I'm Lost & Ranting

[JustOne2]

Iv'e kissed two men, one of whom was also my sexual partner (and the source of my HSV2). I would say that I'm very particular about the people who I spend time with, and admittedly  - I know I'm a handful and let that be the reason for me isolating myself from a lot of people who I could have a great connection with. 

I strongly prefer cuddling over sex, I'd rather talk about the latest scientific discoveries than celebrity gossip, play/watch sports over shopping at the mall, I experiment a lot with food and I will sing songs sporadically that I know my vocal range can't conquer, and so on.

I'm also an over analzyer and worry a lot about things - hence, I've unofficially diagnosed myself as dealing with anxiety and experience anxiety attacks on the occasion. There's also a part of me that can't get over what happened in high school - where I was depressed most of the days but never let anyone knew (I was even nicknamed "smiley" by several people.., which bothered me beyond reason). I went through college knowing plenty of people, but more so on a shallow basis. I knew details and details about them, but was unable to open up to other people - I was the "mommy" figure in my group of friends and preferably studied alone at the 7th floor of the library. When convocation day finally came, I realized that I was the same lonely person I was in High School, which brought me to tears. The only person who knew about my HSV2 was my partner and my mother. Sometimes I wonder why I even let this guy, who literally told me that he "could never love me" many times and rarely found the time for me, take my virginity - maybe it was because he seemed as broken as I was, but he could be a great guy when I least expected it, I'm not sure. 

Quite recently, I think I won't be having sex for pleasure anymore...  especially since it hurts when I do engage in sex with my partner. So maybe I'm asexual? I'm a confused asexual...? I believe that I'm hard to love, (and I'm not asking for anyone to tell me that I'm an okay person), but it's more of a personal block that I created because I'm afraid of the unknown and people hurting me like they have in the past. I do think I'm in a better place, and Iv'e learned a lot since the 24hours that I had an account on this site, but I don't know... I'm just ranting. 

 

Edited February 11, 2016 by JustOne2
typo

[SureWhyNot]

Welcome to a site where people have a great deal to offer each other. Rave on my friend. You have every right to live your life your way! 

Sounds like you enjoy learning new things in life, have you heard of Emotional Freedom Technique EFT as a way to communicate with and understand yourself? Since you are not looking for some one else in your life take the time to discover who you are and why. Not saying you need to as there is nothing wrong with your choice for you. Just may find it an interesting journey of self and the power of our thoughts. EFT is an amazing way to deal with stress and real life situations as well.

[JustOne2]

I know I just commented you in my other post but I love the fact that anyone can vent on here and that people like you will listen and offer support. 

I will definitely look into EFT, it also seems like a very appropriate thing for everyone to experience as well. Thank you <3