Positivity is contagious too

[Constant Diplomat]

About me. G-HSV2. 31 year old man, straight. Decent looking I guess, and someday I'll be bald. I'm no Casanova but have always done pretty well with Women if I were in a good mood. Never disclosed before, until now.

My story isn't long, and it's not over... But I thought back to when I was new to the glitter club (even now I'm only 6 months in....) and I remember thinking that this was the end of my love life and that maybe I could date someone with HSV2 if there was such a person in my area (spoiler: there isn't....). Anyway, I met this young woman on Tinder recently. She's 30, pretty cool, conversation flowed quite nicely and I could tell she was fundamentally a good person. We went on two dates, over two consecutive days. No moves were made for intimacy, like no kiss even or anything. But in the days after this via texting etc it became clear she was interested in me. So I was a bit too scared to tell her in person, so I did it via a text. We had already talked about how we deal with challenges etc in life, so I sort of used this as a spring board and said that the last year has been one of the best in my life, but also brought with it a challenge that was harder than any other I had to deal with- I explained how when I was dating another woman about 6 months ago, she didn't know she had HSV2 and I only found out once I was diagnosed. I told her I set about reading as much as possible and educating myself in my usual way so as to get through this with as much strength as possible, along the road I discovered that the hype of HSV2 is grossly disproportionate to the actual effects of living with it, and that I had been lucky in that my experience with herpes has been somewhat benign.... I then said I enjoyed spending time with her, and that I felt it was important she know this, should something ever develop between us romantically, so she could be empowered with this knowledge, and also know that I would do everything that was appropriate to ensure her safety. She was very accepting and seemed to have another male friend who had caught it while having protected sex, so we discussed how this happens, how condoms aren't fool proof (but do offer more protection to women then men) and we discussed the stats, and that the nature of stats can sometimes be a little slippery, so you would want to take them with a grain of salt and try make your judgement by incorporating your experience with herpes when making decisions about herpes and your sex life.

I'm sure this reads as somewhat clunky... in the actual long dialogue itself things were clearer. It was a smooth conversation. While I don't think text was the most appropriate way of going about it, it was my first time, and it worked for me. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Basically I kept my wording positive, I maintained a positive outlook, and I made it about her safety, and the priority of her being aware and empowered by knowledge to make decisions. All of which were true, from a certain point of view. I could have said it has on occasion swallowed up and spat out my sexuality, that I felt unable to have sex or even masturbate for a time, which would be true, because HSV2 is a personal journey... but she doesn't need to know these things, only that it has been a challenge and that I am taking on the challenge at full steam, and being positive about it. She knows it's hard, because I told her its hard... But a person can go through tough times, really feel the struggle, but still have an over all positive outlook... and it is THIS positive outlook that carries over into how the person perceives you and the herpes.

So we're gonna hang out soon, I'm not entirely sure what will happen but I think we are both open to either romance or friendship, so it will be interesting to see how things unfold.

Just thought this experience might bring some light to the people who are feeling down...

If anyone has any suggestions other than condoms and antivirals and keeping healthy etc, in terms of keeping the non herpsters un-infected, I'd be glad to hear it.

 

Peace.

 

[JBnATL]

Your immune system is the #1 defense against spreading this virus, so do whatever you can to strengthen that.  This includes exercise, a proper diet and getting plenty of rest.

I have had this virus a long time and have dated around a dozen women over this time.  When I am dating a non Herpster I take antivirals and lysine daily and have never passed this along.  I let my partner decide if we use condoms and while a couple have started out wanting to use them they all later changed their minds.  I know many couples who have been married decades and never passed it to their spouse and they don't use protection nor take antivirals.  

Good luck!

Jb

[SheIsBlue]

Great story, ConstantDiplomat.  Thanks for sharing. Wish you two the best!

[november13]

You did 2 key things that in my experience have always led to successful disclosures: (1) you identified that she was a fundamentally good person, and (2) you disclosed in a conversation where you were opening up about yourselves. 

Congratulations on your first disclosure! It gets easier from here.

[Acesheart]

9 hours ago, Constant Diplomat said:

About me. G-HSV2. 31 year old man, straight. Decent looking I guess, and someday I'll be bald. I'm no Casanova but have always done pretty well with Women if I were in a good mood. Never disclosed before, until now.

My story isn't long, and it's not over... But I thought back to when I was new to the glitter club (even now I'm only 6 months in....) and I remember thinking that this was the end of my love life and that maybe I could date someone with HSV2 if there was such a person in my area (spoiler: there isn't....). Anyway, I met this young woman on Tinder recently. She's 30, pretty cool, conversation flowed quite nicely and I could tell she was fundamentally a good person. We went on two dates, over two consecutive days. No moves were made for intimacy, like no kiss even or anything. But in the days after this via texting etc it became clear she was interested in me. So I was a bit too scared to tell her in person, so I did it via a text. We had already talked about how we deal with challenges etc in life, so I sort of used this as a spring board and said that the last year has been one of the best in my life, but also brought with it a challenge that was harder than any other I had to deal with- I explained how when I was dating another woman about 6 months ago, she didn't know she had HSV2 and I only found out once I was diagnosed. I told her I set about reading as much as possible and educating myself in my usual way so as to get through this with as much strength as possible, along the road I discovered that the hype of HSV2 is grossly disproportionate to the actual effects of living with it, and that I had been lucky in that my experience with herpes has been somewhat benign.... I then said I enjoyed spending time with her, and that I felt it was important she know this, should something ever develop between us romantically, so she could be empowered with this knowledge, and also know that I would do everything that was appropriate to ensure her safety. She was very accepting and seemed to have another male friend who had caught it while having protected sex, so we discussed how this happens, how condoms aren't fool proof (but do offer more protection to women then men) and we discussed the stats, and that the nature of stats can sometimes be a little slippery, so you would want to take them with a grain of salt and try make your judgement by incorporating your experience with herpes when making decisions about herpes and your sex life.

I'm sure this reads as somewhat clunky... in the actual long dialogue itself things were clearer. It was a smooth conversation. While I don't think text was the most appropriate way of going about it, it was my first time, and it worked for me. All the pieces of the puzzle fell into place. Basically I kept my wording positive, I maintained a positive outlook, and I made it about her safety, and the priority of her being aware and empowered by knowledge to make decisions. All of which were true, from a certain point of view. I could have said it has on occasion swallowed up and spat out my sexuality, that I felt unable to have sex or even masturbate for a time, which would be true, because HSV2 is a personal journey... but she doesn't need to know these things, only that it has been a challenge and that I am taking on the challenge at full steam, and being positive about it. She knows it's hard, because I told her its hard... But a person can go through tough times, really feel the struggle, but still have an over all positive outlook... and it is THIS positive outlook that carries over into how the person perceives you and the herpes.

So we're gonna hang out soon, I'm not entirely sure what will happen but I think we are both open to either romance or friendship, so it will be interesting to see how things unfold.

Just thought this experience might bring some light to the people who are feeling down...

If anyone has any suggestions other than condoms and antivirals and keeping healthy etc, in terms of keeping the non herpsters un-infected, I'd be glad to hear it.

 

Peace.

 

This was amazing to read you journey , so far that is! I blurted out mine ghsv 2, we are still married and he's still negative. I loved the approach you chose and the wording and also you are opened to being JUST friends first, we were for 2 yrs, and when that beautiful moment happens between the two of you, breathe and relax and just enjoy the moments , no hurry , no frictions and remember slow and steady is just as fulfilling as fast and furious. GREAT experience and thank you for sharing this with us. Big squishy hugs, Aces xo 

Ps, I wouldn't change one thing about how you disclose, you did Awesome! 

[Constant Diplomat]

Cheers for the positive words Y'all. I share in the hope that some other people can gain a little insight and inspiration from every positive (and negative) story of disclosure. Knowledge is wisdom.

[Createss Galore]

Congrats to you and I wish you both the best.  I don't believe though that there are no such people like you in your area. They are just purposefully (those that know) or unconsciously (those that are unaware that they have it) in the closet.