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My Life Continues

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    Worse and worse, it cancels my heart

    This unending horror 

    Only God knows why I cannot share my body with anyone 

    No more soft kisses, no more lovemaking

    I am poisonous 

    If it came and went, my life would go on 

    but everyday i feel it, poking and stabbing

    and the needles follow straight to my heart, and it beats that horror, over and over

    telling me I am poison, and I am alone, over     and      over

    it is a closely guarded secret, I am one of very few, 

    My heart cannot take it, the visions of babies in my arms and his longing gaze and embrace

     ripped     out     of       my       chest  

    I want to keep on living, I want to keep on living, I want to hope,  but I cant do it alone, I can't do the next 50 years continuing this crippling isolation

    Our minds are designed to dwell on a problem until it is solved

    and I am the problem, every day, it is the body I inhabit

    and there is no solution on the horizon

    I don't want to spread this heart cancelling horror to anyone

    I am 29, I am beautiful and young, and I don't want to die

    the world is so beautiful, there is so much to fight for

    but this disease has hollowed me out, and my insides are old and dead

    All I have is hope left

    Knowing that the world is often made of lies

    and wishes and magic are granted to those who seek with their whole heart

    I scrape up the dust and mix in water and humus and my best seeds

    and I hope with time something new will grow

    and that truth and healing and love will emerge with new life

    until then all I have is my body, my hope, and the horror, the horror. 

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