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My Life Continues

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Worse and worse, it cancels my heart

This unending horror 

Only God knows why I cannot share my body with anyone 

No more soft kisses, no more lovemaking

I am poisonous 

If it came and went, my life would go on 

but everyday i feel it, poking and stabbing

and the needles follow straight to my heart, and it beats that horror, over and over

telling me I am poison, and I am alone, over     and      over

it is a closely guarded secret, I am one of very few, 

My heart cannot take it, the visions of babies in my arms and his longing gaze and embrace

 ripped     out     of       my       chest  

I want to keep on living, I want to keep on living, I want to hope,  but I cant do it alone, I can't do the next 50 years continuing this crippling isolation

Our minds are designed to dwell on a problem until it is solved

and I am the problem, every day, it is the body I inhabit

and there is no solution on the horizon

I don't want to spread this heart cancelling horror to anyone

I am 29, I am beautiful and young, and I don't want to die

the world is so beautiful, there is so much to fight for

but this disease has hollowed me out, and my insides are old and dead

All I have is hope left

Knowing that the world is often made of lies

and wishes and magic are granted to those who seek with their whole heart

I scrape up the dust and mix in water and humus and my best seeds

and I hope with time something new will grow

and that truth and healing and love will emerge with new life

until then all I have is my body, my hope, and the horror, the horror. 

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You should submit this at poetry contest or something :) loveeee it! 

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