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Heide

He won't kiss me and I can't get over it

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My bf and I have been together two years. I got genital herpes almost a year ago while we were on a break. 

At first my bf was in shock, then mad. He would talk to me but not touch me at all, not even be alone with me. I felt awful, like my life was over. He tried to meet other women but never found anyone he liked. 

Anyway, it was awful but we're still together. However, physically it's very limited. 

He's read about the risks and how the virus is spread. His rules are no French kissing although we can kiss each others' faces and necks, no oral sex at all, no intercourse. All we do is mutual masturbation. He won't touch my skin down there at all, only over clothing. 

I understand not having sex, but everything else I think he's being overly concerned. But I've come to accept these are his limits and he's not going to change his mind. 

The thing that I miss the most is the kissing. It was so passionate and intimate. We don't talk about our feelings a lot, but when he kissed me I could feel his love for me if that makes sense. And I'm afraid to say I love you so I would kiss him and say it that way. In the five languages of love I guess we're both physical touch people. 

But, now the kissing is over and it's left this huge hole for me. He thinks everything is fine, but for me it's not fine. I kiss his cheek and his neck but it's not the same. I feel less connected to him and I don't know how to get that connection back. 

Also, I feel like he's rejecting me. I know he's not, he tells me it's not rejection, but it still makes me feel bad, like I have, well, a disease. 

Maybe this is just life with herpes and I have to accept it. I know I don't want to date other guys. I need to find a way to feel close to him again without kissing and without all the other physical intimacy we used to share. 

On the other hand I wonder if it wouldn't be better to cut off what little physical contact we have and just be friends with him. Maybe doing what little we do just reminds me how good it used to be and makes me sad. 

I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

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I'm sorry, but I just couldn't live like that. I'm my opinion that is not a relationship. I would understand if you were newly diagnosed and he was maybe coming to terms, or getting use to the diagnosis but a year is too long to live without feeling love and affection. My heart breaks for you and how lonely you must feel. I really think he doesn't understand how minimal the risks of contracting hsv are when the right precautions are taken (antivirals, no skin to skin contact during an active outbreak and condoms) and why no kissing? You have genital herpes, he can not get genital herpes from kissing or oral herpes from someone who doesn't have oral herpes. I really would suggest trying to get him to educate himself more or consider a break, and or ultimately a split from him. I will not tell you to leave, you have to make that decision, but I will tell you that there are amazing men out there, that will accept you for who you are, herpes and all.  Hsv is not even a factor with my bf. I have ghsv1. He kisses me freely, we have amazing sex (without protection his choice), and I don't feel like I am diseased or damaged ever from the way he treats me. I feel like that on my own (rarely) without anyone else adding to my insecurities.  So I think it's important that you find someone who encourages you, and supports you, but mostly loves you freely and completely.

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He really needs to be educated on this. The no kissing makes no sense. As for you, that's no way to live in a romantic relationship! Plenty of people would be willing to work with you (and actually be willing to please you) with this disease! You deserve love and affection, I say demote the relationship to friendship status. 

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LEAVE HIM. This is emotionally abusive. You shouldn't be treated like that. If he can get pass it then he shouldn't put you through emotional pain like that. 

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Ultimately its his choice, but I find it hard to believe if he loved you he wouldn't want to at least kiss you properly.

If you have ghsv and don't engage in oral sex then really this is very low risk.

If he wants to be your partner for life then really there is little reason not to practice safe sex, take a few precautions and have full intercourse.

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Your not in a whole  relationship ,the kissing thing is crazy ,its very simple genital herpes ,maybe explain to him your genital in that case is your vagina in case he does not know and the other lips on your mouth are OK . .It sounds to me like he is hanging out with you until he meets somebody else who does not have it ,he wants none of your body fluids or body contact ,so he can go into a new relationship knowing that he could not have caught anything from you.

I think you are right,just be his friend and make sure he know why  and you deserve better and a whole relationship .

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Of you don't have oral hsv then there's no issue kissing. Sounds like you aren't really a couple. Maybe you could find someone who also has it. So there's no fear there. It's difficult. I have decided to be alone. As I cannot be comfortable and enjoy sex for fear of transmission. I don't want to go on positive singles. I've accepted my fate. I only love one person anyway. But maybe for you. You could find another way. I hope you do.

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Its sad to feel alone but even sadder to feel alone with someone you love. 

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To be really blunt and hard about this.... If I know now about herpes, that I did not know before I got this shit. I would screen my girl friends carefully. If I knew what I know and experience now with this awful thing, and I know that a future partner has this shit in her and I still do not, I probably would behave as your boy friend. Sorry to be a downer here, but it is the truth.

I would do anything to be without this shit. Now that I have it.....I also look for understanding, but if i did not have it, I would stay away from anyone that has it.

I have suffered badly for the last 6 years, blisters, physical pain and neurotic pain. 

I wish I could turn the clock back and avoid the woman who gave me this life time utter garbage.

 

I am sorry, but this is me speaking straight with no filter.

 

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My heart hurts for you reading this post. I know it's been over a month I really hope things have gotten better for you.  I'm really struggling with the intimacy aspect. I was just diagnosed and my current boyfriend developed symptoms the same time I did. Sex has been  such a huge foundation our relationship this whole thing has really put a damper on it. He is struggling with this diagnoses. I don't know how I will ever be able to look at sex the same. Intimacy is so important. I hope that your boyfriend realizes how futile his actions are and how hurtful they are to you. He can still be safe and touch you without contracting the disease. 

Good Luck

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On 9/18/2016 at 7:45 AM, Heide said:

My bf and I have been together two years. I got genital herpes almost a year ago while we were on a break. 

At first my bf was in shock, then mad. He would talk to me but not touch me at all, not even be alone with me. I felt awful, like my life was over. He tried to meet other women but never found anyone he liked. 

Anyway, it was awful but we're still together. However, physically it's very limited. 

He's read about the risks and how the virus is spread. His rules are no French kissing although we can kiss each others' faces and necks, no oral sex at all, no intercourse. All we do is mutual masturbation. He won't touch my skin down there at all, only over clothing. 

I understand not having sex, but everything else I think he's being overly concerned. But I've come to accept these are his limits and he's not going to change his mind. 

The thing that I miss the most is the kissing. It was so passionate and intimate. We don't talk about our feelings a lot, but when he kissed me I could feel his love for me if that makes sense. And I'm afraid to say I love you so I would kiss him and say it that way. In the five languages of love I guess we're both physical touch people. 

But, now the kissing is over and it's left this huge hole for me. He thinks everything is fine, but for me it's not fine. I kiss his cheek and his neck but it's not the same. I feel less connected to him and I don't know how to get that connection back. 

Also, I feel like he's rejecting me. I know he's not, he tells me it's not rejection, but it still makes me feel bad, like I have, well, a disease. 

Maybe this is just life with herpes and I have to accept it. I know I don't want to date other guys. I need to find a way to feel close to him again without kissing and without all the other physical intimacy we used to share. 

On the other hand I wonder if it wouldn't be better to cut off what little physical contact we have and just be friends with him. Maybe doing what little we do just reminds me how good it used to be and makes me sad. 

I don't know what to do. Has anyone been in a situation like this?

Yes I agree with you. I was with a guy who gave me it in the private area and we didn't have sex. This has ruined my life. There are other guys more accepting. Why are you staying If you don't get what you need ?

 

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