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hope2016

He has HSV2, and I don't. I really like him. Please help!

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    Hi all,

    I just met a great guy. Well, I actually had a crush on him 10 years ago, but we were both married at the time. Fast forward 10 years, we are both divorced and we reconnected and decided to meet to catch up. There was an instant mutual attraction. We kissed on the second date and I felt something i haven't felt in many years-alive!!! The day before the third date he told me he had herpes. I told him I still wanted to see him for our third date. I started doing research about herpes, and found out there are things we could do to hopefully prevent him from passing it on to me. So, I started feeling hopeful, that maybe somehow we could work it out and I told him I'm willing to work around it to be with him, that he is worth it. We spent a day together on the third date, with heavy kissing in the car at the end. I felt I was totally crashing on him, and would do anything to be with him, despite the hsv 2. The next few days i didn't hear much from him, so i texted him and asked him if he would like to get together the following week. He then responded saying I should move on, that I deserve a normal relationship with a normal guy without hsv2, that he would be really anxious to pass it on to me if we get involved intimately, which would take fun out of it. He said he realized he just needs to date women who already have hsv2. I responded saying that I don't want normal, that i just want him, and we can take precautionary measures, and hopefully I will be ok. I told him I've started developing feelings for him. Well, that was 4 days ago and he still hasn't responded. I am heart-broken. I've been on first dates with many guys from dating sites, and i haven't met anyone I was attracted to and wanted to date. And here is the perfect guy for me, and i told him I was totally fine with taking the risk, but it seems he doesn't want anything to do with me. I can't stop thinking about him. Those of you who do have hsv2, do you think it's just his way of protecting me or is he just not into me? And if it's his way of protecting me, how can I change his mind and understand that i'm okay with taking the risk? Do I need to move on or is there hope we could work it out? I even told him I would get tested for hsv to see if i might be already carrying it, since many people do and never get outbreaks. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!  

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    I would stay away from him.  It's not worth it to get HSV 2.  It really isn't.  There are other guys out there.  I made the mistake of getting involved with someone with it and I totally regret it.  It is life changing, you run the risk of not being able to have children or even be around children.  It changes your life.  This is just from my own personal experience.  It is not a good thing to get.  And it adds a major strain on the relationship.

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    You can have children still.  Not everyone suffers with hsv. Its a personal decision to choose.  But give it good consideration about what if it doesnt work out.  

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    Hello Hope

    If you really like this man and he is genuinely into you then there is no reason not to have a relationship with him ... he has told you his situation and there are things that you can do to minimise the risks . Seems a shame to give up on love for this reason.  Look at it this way... if you don't pursue this then whats to say your next partner doesn't tell you but he also has it? So many people do, This man seems to genuinely want to protect you. 

    Explain to him that your feelings haven't changed and take it nice and slowly

    Lucy

     

     

     

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    @hope2016. I have a different perspective. I've had genital HSV2 for over 17 years. Unfortunately my "giver" didn't give me any options and I certainly would have appreciated it. Would I have been with him if I knew? My answer is no. But it's not why you might think. I cared about him and we had a monogamous (as far as I knew) relationship for approx 8 months. But the truth is... he was a rebound. He was a LOT older than I was and we both knew from the beginning that our relationship was just for fun and didn't have a future. And for that, I would have passed. Do I hate him? No. Has it really changed my life's path? Can't say that it has. I went on to date and meet and marry my (non-H) hubby. We've been married over 12 years and have 2 children. There is nothing this virus stopped me from... 

    So. If I had met my husband and he was the one that disclosed and not me? Well, clearly I saw a future with him!! Maybe I would have taken things a little slower but when I commit, I mean it. If you want to be with this man but are hesitant about HSV, that's okay... but what he is afraid of is that if you do get it and things don't work out - that you will hate him and blame him. Or perhaps you'll feel obligated to stay in a relationship longer than you want to or should... It's a burden for sure. Even after all these years with my husband I do feel there is part of me that holds back and that does suck sometimes. If you aren't sure how you feel about it then maybe best to let him go. If you think he could be "the one" see if he'll stick around without sex to get to know you a little better and see.

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    I would pay any amount of money to make it go away - the hsv 2 I have.  If I could go back in time I would never go near the guy I got it from. Just being totally honest.  It really really sucks.

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    1 hour ago, brookeb300 said:

    I would stay away from him.  It's not worth it to get HSV 2.  It really isn't.  There are other guys out there.  I made the mistake of getting involved with someone with it and I totally regret it.  It is life changing, you run the risk of not being able to have children or even be around children.  It changes your life.  This is just from my own personal experience.  It is not a good thing to get.  And it adds a major strain on the relationship.

    Over dramatic nonsense. I have no problem with people giving their feelings good or bad, but when you peddle untruths about not being able to have kids or not being around kids, it just scares people unnecessarily. Some people need to wake up to themselves i'm sorry to say

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    19 minutes ago, Free73 said:

    Over dramatic nonsense. I have no problem with people giving their feelings good or bad, but when you peddle untruths about not being able to have kids or not being around kids, it just scares people unnecessarily. Some people need to wake up to themselves i'm sorry to say

    Idk I just wouldn't recommend getting hsv 2 to anyone.  Def a bad idea.  Def strain on your life and your health.

    It's not great for kids to be around it either I'm sorry to say.  It def adds stress.

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    It's not great for kids to be around ignorant adults either Brooke

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    And fyi. Not everyone passes on the virus.  And also if kids are going near an adults genitals there is something wrong.  You really cant transmit to a child except thru sheer bad luck thru birth.  @brookeb300 maybe educate yourself some more before you pass advice

    Edited by Lisajd

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    You can give it to kids pretty easily.  They can die from hsv 2 in the first year of their life.  And they can get an incredibly bad eye infection and they could be excluded from sports.  Its no kidding around.

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    24 minutes ago, Free73 said:

    It's not great for kids to be around ignorant adults either Brooke

    This was going a little too far.  I didn't personally insult you.  I just told someone about the dangers of the disease.  You shouldn't have taken it so personally.

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    Guys with hsv 2 should not necessarily only have sex with women who dont have it.  If its safe to be around kids and safe to have sex than they should really consider doing this stuff with a female who has hsv 2.

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    Thats your opinion which is unfair and insulting to h carriers and non h women who are with h men who chose to be with them.  

    Edited by Lisajd

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    30 minutes ago, brookeb300 said:

    You can give it to kids pretty easily.  They can die from hsv 2 in the first year of their life.  And they can get an incredibly bad eye infection and they could be excluded from sports.  Its no kidding around.

    Not true.  You seem confused between type 1 and 2.  Hsv2 is genital and does not cause eye herpes.  Kids will not be excluded from sports because of a cold sore.  Where are you getting your info from?

    Edited by Lisajd

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    3 hours ago, hope2016 said:

    Hi all, Do I need to move on or is there hope we could work it out? I even told him I would get tested for hsv to see if i might be already carrying it, since many people do and never get outbreaks. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!  

    Hi Hope,

    I honestly believe that in any relationship, be it herpes or not, unless a guy or girl are generally happy with themselves, that they cannot be healthy and functional in any relationship. Do you really want to coerce or convince someone that they should be in a relationship with you?

    Perhaps the better way to do this is for both of you to just ease off and take the pressure off by starting with a friendship. It will give you both a chance to get to know each other much better (I understand you had a crush on each other previously). It will also take the expectation and pressure of sex off the table for a bit and give him a chance to develop more self confidence in your presence. It will also give you the chance to reflect on whether he is ultimately the right guy for you.

    Perhaps it would be a good idea to get tested yourself anyway as it would be a good baseline for any future relationship.

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    3 hours ago, hope2016 said:

    I can't stop thinking about him. Those of you who do have hsv2, do you think it's just his way of protecting me or is he just not into me?

    It could be either. 

    Quote

     

    And if it's his way of protecting me, how can I change his mind and understand that i'm okay with taking the risk?

    It's not just about you accepting the risk.. If he couldn't 'live with himself' if he passed it than that's his decision. It's certainly a horrible thought having an infectious virus that may cause suffering in those we love the most. I know I often feel that I don't deserve to love or be loved.. That's a shitty way to feel and so I'm on a positive dating site..

    Quote

    Do I need to move on or is there hope we could work it out? I even told him I would get tested for hsv to see if i might be already carrying it, since many people do and never get outbreaks. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!  

    It is doubtful you're a carrier. There are ver very few symptom-less (never had a symptom) people with HSV. Most people do get outbreaks. You're reading the stats wrong - it's said that MOST people do not know they have the virus (HSV), but when told the symptoms 80% of those with the virus admit to having had symptoms. Often they're just uneducated, ignorant (i.e; it's just jock itch), etc...

    It would be very foolish to think that you won't get symptoms. It's a BIG decision that you can't take back. It's up to the two of you.

     

    Edited by K_Sock
    stuff

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    39 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

    Thats your opinion which is unfair and insulting to h carriers and non h women who are with h men who chose to be with them.  

    Yuck

    35 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

    Not true.  You seem confused between type 1 and 2.  Hsv2 is genital and does not cause eye herpes.  Kids will not be excluded from sports because of a cold sore.  Where are you getting your info from?

    hsv 2 can get in your eye just like hsv 1 can get in your genitals

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    40 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

    Thats your opinion which is unfair and insulting to h carriers and non h women who are with h men who chose to be with them.  

    what about herpes women with non herpes guys? is there any of that going around?

    I agree that its a big decision that you can't take back. 

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    6 minutes ago, brookeb300 said:

    what about herpes women with non herpes guys? is there any of that going around?

    I agree that its a big decision that you can't take back. 

    That would be me. Genital HSV2 for over 17 years. Married for 12 years and have children with my NON-H husband.

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    33 minutes ago, brookeb300 said:

    what about herpes women with non herpes guys? is there any of that going around?

    I agree that its a big decision that you can't take back. 

    Yep. Im one. Ive been with 2 guys who have hsv1 and one with neither.  You dont seem to see that having hsv does not preclude people being with non h partners. 

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    40 minutes ago, brookeb300 said:

    Yuck

    hsv 2 can get in your eye just like hsv 1 can get in your genitals

    Go google hsv2 and eye herpes

    Eye herpes is a side effect  with hsv1 not 2.  Sheesh

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    1 hour ago, LiveLife100 said:

    That would be me. Genital HSV2 for over 17 years. Married for 12 years and have children with my NON-H husband.

    It's a fantastic story and i'm so glad that has been the outcome. On the other side, it feels a little irresponsible to promote that so much as your outcome has absolutely no bearing on the outcome of another.. We're talking about highly infectious viruses (how else could their prevalence be estimated so highly?) and so that outcome (Non-H husband) simply cannot be expected..

    Love conquers all. Two people just have to make the choice.

    Edited by K_Sock
    typo

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    Thank you to all for responding! I texted him again today and told him I would take the risk, and that we could lower my risk of getting it by him taking the suppressive meds. I've been supportive from the moment he told me. He responded, saying he doesn't want to take meds or his partner to take meds. He told me I should move on. I'm heartbroken. I was ready to take a risk, but I guess he doesn't want me. But thank you all for your responses. 

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