Falling apart ... finally

[alfalfa]

Hi, guys.

I guess it's time to face the music.

I feel miserable.

For three weeks I have been rational, calm and optimistic, for the most part. I didn't hole up at home. I kept going out and doing the things I always do. I haven't cried about this once, and I've constructed a million reasons to minimize how unhappy I am about my diagnosis.

I can't think my way out of this anymore.

I haven't slept in two days. I don't want to have to grieve this because then I'd have to admit that it's a big deal. Then I'd have to admit that it's going to be a big deal to anyone I have to tell. And I REALLY don't want to admit that I should have known better than to sleep with the person I contracted it from.

The truth is that I need someone to cry to, and there is no one I'm comfortable being this weak in front of. I didn't even want to confess that on this forum because there are so many of you who seemed to feel even worse than I do. I thought I just wanted to be strong and collected for you, but maybe I actually didn't want to see myself as one of you. Maybe I've come off as arrogant. I'm really sorry I wasn't honest here, even though I thought I was at the time.

I so miss the simplicity of life before this diagnosis. I miss not being worried about the bajillion unknowns I'm facing right now. I miss having anything but this at the front of my mind. I'm terrified this will set my life onto a course that is way less happy than it would have been otherwise.

I badly need any comfort you can offer.

[MsLucy]

When we lose something we cherish, be it a loved one, a beloved pet... or the illusion that life was going to work out the way we'd planned, we grieve. It may happen right away, or it may take a while, but the grieving process has to play itself out. It can't/won't be denied. It doesn't mean that you're weak, merely that you're human.

Allow yourself to grieve for what you've lost, because you've lost something worth grieving for. Once your grief is spent, though, let go of the regrets, put the sadness aside, and move on.

Your life has been slightly altered, but not destroyed. Your dreams are still within your reach, and what you make of your life will be entirely up to you. The unknowns that plague you now will become clear in time, and the happiness you're afraid will elude you now will still be there, waiting to be discovered. Trust me.

[Scubagirl0325]

hi

Hi Alfalfa,

I'm new to this also, but I want you to know that I feel the same way as you. Go ahead, cry. Be furious, let all your emotions go crazy. It's normal. I have been doing this for two weeks.

Researching online and working towards preventing outbreaks has helped me. I have learned about all kinds of vitamins, lifestyle changes, etc. It makes you feel that your actually doing something positive to make the situation better. Also, keep doing fun things. I was letting this take over my life. For example, yesterday 5 of my best friends were all going to the lake and wakeboarding. I'm incredibly adventurous and fun-loving (I just moved to florida this past summer to scuba dive everyday and learn underwater archaeology), so having to be this cautious about what I do is too much for me. I haven't been going out and partying because I'm scared of OB's. I haven't touched alcohol and have only drunk water since the day I found out. Do you know I almost didn't go to the lake with my friends yesterday because I was scared being in the sun would cause an OB? That's when I realized I can't let this excuse me, SHIT, take over my life. I'm still a fun, awesome person, who unfortunately has an incredibly frustrating problem to deal with. I have good days and bad. Some days I am absolutely miserable. If I make myself go out and have some fun I feel better.

If you ever want to talk I'm here. I know how you feel. No one else really understand what we are feeling right now. I'm going to see my out of state boyfriend this weekend and I'm scared I won't be able to have sex with him if these pesty little bumps don't go away in time. THAT is frustrating. Vent on this forum. There is even a rant and rave section haha.

Things will be ok. Right now, it sucks. I am here if you need to talk, and believe me, I understand how you are feeling. Your welcome to cry anytime, even if it's through a computer screen. Keep your chin up though, eventually, this will get better. Do something fun tomorrow, even if it's small, it will help get your mind off of it even if just for an hour or so.

Good Luck!

[baffled]

I think I'm going to be feeling just like you in two weeks. It surprises me how strong my denial is. I'm going to have to work through it before I can reach the grieving stage.

I've done the really hard part: I told my mother, and I told my exes, who I may have unknowingly exposed. They are going to get tested [i hope this week], and until I know their results I can't focus. If they also test positive, I'm going to feel even worse, even though there is no way of knowing I was the person who gave them herpes [we've been separated for years, and they had many partners before me, and partners after].

One reason my denial is so strong is that I've never had symptoms, nor have my partners. I keep thinking my doctor is going to call me back and tell me there was a mistake, that the most accurate commercial test out there was somehow wrong.

What's been helping me the most is remembering my own attitude to friends and partners with herpes over the years. I always assured them they were okay, and hadn't suddenly become bad people.

I think what many of us discover is that we must learn to extend that charity to ourselves.

[Olivia612]

Okay, so its at least time to make you laugh...

Look, your bumpy little boys down below WILL not control your life...I'm already getting used to mine. Granted, my tailbone feels like its still about to drop off my body...i keep laughing at those "restless leg syndrome" commercials, cuz I've got that...(tho its associated with my blister buddies)...and I feel like i just threw zit ointment all over my hoo-hah cuz of the burning when i put on my first pair of jeans in a week. (Maybe I should rethink looking cute in tight jeans nowadays)

Here's a couple things I did this weekend to get depression from this out of my system.

1. Get pissed. And I mean downright mad that this is happening to you. You have every right. I lived out one of my fantasies this weekend..,..I was so mad at my situation...I picked up a glass and pitched it at my fireplace. It broke...and I felt better. So then I went and got a dinner plate. Broke that too. I broke two more glasses and bowl...realized that being mad was ok. Then i went to the gym, got my trainer friend, and beat the living crap out of a punching bag. My knuckles hurt...which has taken the pain away from the symptoms....so that's my first suggestion...get MAD. The bottle pent up aggression needs to come out

2.Force yourself out of the house. Trust me, a shovel and a hole I thought sounded better than any remedy on Thursday. A friend of mine took no excuses (she didn't know what was going on with me) and forced me out to a bar. I dressed up, and dirty perv's at the bar kept hitting on me. Granted, I felt like I had "herpes" tattooed across my face, but then again...there were times where I felt pretty again...even if the cheesy pickup lines were coming from complete drunken morons. i think there was even i few split seconds I forgot about it...a return to normalcy so to speak.

3.Accept that your sex life is going to change. Admit that life isn't like a movie with a happy ending. AVOID SAPPY ASS ROMANCES. But I think this thing is almost a blessing (I use that term very very lightly). By telling someone in the future about this, and they choose to stay with me, even with the risks, I don't any longer need to try to validate if they care for me or not. They do, or they wouldn't stay with me. Period. No questions needed. No psycho-analyzing your partners behavior. Because they're staying...that's a nice thought.

I must admit, today is an "up" day for me. Tomorrow, I go to the doctors, which will be most likely another dose of reality, when discussing treatment, etc. Try to get through the day...and email us if you need anything. I'm always here! Lurv ya

[MsLucy]

Olivia, I like your attitude. Wish I'd have thought of breaking something when I was going through my mad stage. Instead, I just held it in til I thought I'd burst a vessel. But alas, I don't have a fireplace...

[alfalfa]

Thanks

Hi, y'all. Thanks for the good words. I still refused to hole up. I definitely got mad ... as much at ignorant health professionals as at anything. Good (deserving) targets. What I am having trouble with is accepting that my sex life will change. I hate thinking that sappy romance was an option until this. I like sappy romance. I'm not childish, but it's human.