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SecretAgentMan

Have had sex many times and haven't told her

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I got herpes from an ex girlfriend about 3 years ago.  I recently have started dating a new girl who I honestly care more about than perhaps anyone I've dated in the past 10 years.  It is because of that fact that I have delayed telling her, for fear that I would lose the best person to come into my life in a long time.  I have been seeing her for 2 or 3 months and we have been having sex a few times per week without a condom.  I know this makes me a bad person and I know I am possibly exposing her.  I have really mishandled this situation and I am well aware of that.  I should have told her before things even started.  I have now come to the realization that I really care about her, and because I really care about her I don't want to live in fear that one day she's just going to say "Hm I have these weird bumps on my vagina, what do you think it is?" .  At this point I feel like if I flat out tell her "I have herpes and I've known about it all along" she will hate me for it and will never speak to me again.  At the same time, I desperately want to tell her.  I get tested for STDs a couple times per year.  The test I usually take doesn't include herpes, so I've never actually been tested for herpes (though its obvious I have it).  I am thinking to get herpes included on my next test (which I would take soon).  I expect that it will come back positive at which point I can break the news to her that I've recently gotten tested, and found out I have herpes.  I am thinking doing it this way will accomplish informing her, while also making it appear that I didn't know previously and am just finding out.  I know this is not the most noble way to go, but I've dug myself in a ditch here and I want to tell her while not making myself look like a terrible person for not telling her sooner (I'm not a terrible person, just someone who has been afraid of losing her). 

I'd just like to hear your thoughts on this plan.  From now on, if this relationship doesn't work out, I'm going to tell any new potential GF on day 1, but for now it is what it is and I'm in the situation I'm in. 

Also FYI I typically have 1 or 2 outbreaks per year which aren't serious and usually last like 3-4 days (I take Valtrex for them). 

Thanks everyone 

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Tell her the honest truth.  Trust and honesty is important in a relationship.  If you dont tell her will it eat away at you.  Tell her you know you shld have told her but you were afraid as you said if losing her.  But yes you could have at least used condoms. Thats selfish.   Is it hsv1 or 2?  You might be lucky and not passed it already or she may have hsv1 at least anyway

Edited by Lisajd

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I don't think you should consider yourself a bad person, but perhaps it was bad behavior.  Everyone makes mistakes.

 

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Tell her the truth. I'm sure she will be able to see through the lie anyway. It's not easy to fake a recent diagnosis and will only make things worse for you. If she is completely naïve, she may believe you, but you would have to be a good actor. And it will probably eat you up anyway by lieing

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And if you truly care about her you will be honest with her.  She actually deserve to know the truth because you have no right to keep that from her because it's her health and well-being at stake.  And I know many people don't disclose and there are many people who don't know they have it and pass it on but you actually know you have it

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Ya man you should really just be honest and tell her. If she freaks and never speaks to you again then it's a lessened learned to be honest the next time. Also means she didn't feel the same about you. I believe true love means nothing can separate one from the other including this. But going the test route then telling her is still a lie and misleading. What's done is done it's time to take ownership for your lapse in judgment. Also if it dosent work out I wouldn't necessarily tell the next potential on day one. I would date avoid sex for a little while then tell the individual. If sex is unavoidable for whatever reason then talk about it before the sex begins. 

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At least you're realizing the error of your ways now. Many don't disclose and have absolutely no guilt about it then those that get exposed end up on here broken like a lot of us. Its not fair and people should be aware of their risks. I wish I could not disclose and not have a conscious like some of those people but I know I could never do that knowing I have a definitive diagnosis. Just be honest from here on out. The fact you are reaching out shows that you really do care. 

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You should totally tell her that you suspect you have it,  since you haven't actually taken  a test, (just like me  but my husband is aware of my recent discovery and he actually has oral hsv1). Honesty comes first, because I think it would be worse for you if she contracted it from you..  And her not knowing anything,  at least I would feel terrible...  Maybe she'll freak out at first,  to be honest I had a LOT of misconceptions regarding genital hsv,  I'm used to seeing people with obs on their mouths, it's not a big deal for me,,  but when I contrated mine on my genitals I freaked out,  but it's just that anything regarding the genial area is scary,  but it's just  an idea that most of us have.  So maybe explaining your situation and letting her know that it's not always like you see it on the Internet (super scary)..  I'll think that if she's the right girl for you she will understand,  just give her time :).. But for your  sake...  Be honest :).. 

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If you're in a relationship with someone, I think you'd better disclose. I had sex with a guy once and told him after. Not my best moment, and he was pretty unhappy. I think we all know how you feel. The potential rejection is hard, but just do it.

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Definitely recommend coming clean with her about the situation, but tell her how much she means to you as well. We all know how bad herpes is, so everyone deserves to make a decision as to whether they want to risk getting it. Whoever gave it to me either did not know they had it or did not disclose it. If they did know I would have appreciated them coming clean even after we hooked up rather than not at all. 

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On 10/15/2016 at 7:08 PM, cryptkeeper said:

At least you're realizing the error of your ways now. Many don't disclose and have absolutely no guilt about it then those that get exposed end up on here broken like a lot of us. Its not fair and people should be aware of their risks. I wish I could not disclose and not have a conscious like some of those people but I know I could never do that knowing I have a definitive diagnosis. Just be honest from here on out. The fact you are reaching out shows that you really do care. 

i have to agree with you on this  was not told by someone and ended up on here with and she ditched me after i caught it leaving me single and with no one. Its is terribly wrong to not tell someone you should of at least used a condom her life wil never be the same if she caught it. my life hasnt been the same ive dealt with depression anger, everyday. 

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Im in a very similar spot, however, I have never not used a condom. I met a girl I didn't think I'd be serious with, and fell for her. I have GHSV2 and have never gotten a coldsore anywhere else. I feel like the easiest way to tell her is to just get a test for HSV antibodies (I've gotten one before and it's come back positive). I'd explain that I've never had a coldsore on my mouth and that although I am asymptomatic 95% of the time, it's possible that I contracted HSV genitally from a past girlfriend. I've been seeing her occasionally for 5 months and we started dating recently. I wanted to tell her way earlier but I didn't know if it was going to get serious, and disclosure is obviously easier said than done. 

Insight would be appreciated.

Edited by Littleshockedd

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You probably didn't ask about her HSV status either nor did she ask you about yours. If you think the relationship might get serious, ask her if she would get tested for you - and you can get tested for her - so that both of you can make informed decisions as adults as to how you want to approach sex now and in the future. Only disclose once you know her status.

If you can't handle that approach and the truth eats away at you - even though she could very well be doing the exact same thing you are - I'd suggest just breaking up with her and, if she asks, let her know that the reason why you broke up is because you broke her trust by knowingly putting her health at risk and that she deserves better.

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I'd like an update on this thread to see whether the situation was resolved or not...

What about letting her read what you wrote on here?  Writing her a letter first might help.  It would give you both the space for her to react to what you have to tell her while shielding yourself for the moment.  Then, hopefully, a face to face conversation reiterating exactly what you wrote might actually turn into something positive. 

It says a lot about who you are to even admit what you did wasn't right...I hope it worked out for the best.

"We all do damage, character is defined by how we repair it." - Sons of Anarchy

 

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On 2/14/2017 at 1:29 AM, VVK said:

You probably didn't ask about her HSV status either nor did she ask you about yours. If you think the relationship might get serious, ask her if she would get tested for you - and you can get tested for her - so that both of you can make informed decisions as adults as to how you want to approach sex now and in the future. Only disclose once you know her status.

If you can't handle that approach and the truth eats away at you - even though she could very well be doing the exact same thing you are - I'd suggest just breaking up with her and, if she asks, let her know that the reason why you broke up is because you broke her trust by knowingly putting her health at risk and that she deserves better.

I want more than anything to tell her. She has been curious as to why I want to use condoms, and I told her I wasn't completely sure of my STD status and that I could be asymptomatic. She is amazing, and is intelligent. I'm also unsure though if she would be blinded by the stigma because we are young adults. I'm not sure if she would want to commit knowing that she could be at risk of contracting anything. Obviously I can't know without telling her, but I just want to do it in a way that will show her I care and want to be with her.

Edited by Littleshockedd

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If you weren't a decent person you wouldn't be here owning up to your guilt.  If you truly love her then you've got to take the risk and tell her the truth. Trust me there's no other solution and this is why.

I've been on my own for a very, very long time and last year I met the most amazing woman. We went out for dinners and to the movies, country drives, swimming, walking our dogs. We'd have dinner at each other's houses and watch movies and snuggle on the couch but I always held back because of my fear. 

I ended up up losing this woman because of that fear.

I never summoned up the courage to tell her my status and eventually she moved away. 

In the end I realised that not only had I cheated myself out of something possibly amazing but I also cheated her out of the opportunity to choose for herself. 

I know disclosing (or in my case not disclosing) can be a huge leap of faith but I don't feel that it's something we have the right to choose for others. 

 

Edited by Theblues

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Let me know how this worked out for you, I am going through a similar situation that has been eaten me up since day 1, all the best.

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I'm going through the same and have no one to talk to about this I'm soo afraid of coming clean about this for fear of losing the love of my life I hate the man who gave this too me. I was young a little girl and I've had to live life with fear of never being loved behind this disease this is eating me up inside I feel so alone 

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So I finally told her. She was very very upset, but mostly because I hid it from her for so long. As I mentioned^^, I've never not worn a condom and I've been on suppressive therapy for the last 3 months almost. She is obviously saddened by the news and I want to do everything I can to make her feel comfortable. I've told her all the stats and how minuscule the risk is with us just continuing what we've been doing (condoms+suppressive = 99% or so effective per annum). She says she just wants to be comfortable again and I'm trying my best to do everything I can make that happen. She obviously cares a lot about me, and I'm so grateful she didn't just dump my ass on the spot. I want it to work and I hope she can eventually become comfortable with me.

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So many people not telling their lovers they have it. Its so wrong but we choose to put their health at risk for fear of rejection. ANd thats why i stay single because i get rejected when i disclose and feel as if it would be wrong to not tell them.

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On 2/27/2017 at 6:02 PM, Littleshockedd said:

So I finally told her. She was very very upset, but mostly because I hid it from her for so long. As I mentioned^^, I've never not worn a condom and I've been on suppressive therapy for the last 3 months almost. She is obviously saddened by the news and I want to do everything I can to make her feel comfortable. I've told her all the stats and how minuscule the risk is with us just continuing what we've been doing (condoms+suppressive = 99% or so effective per annum). She says she just wants to be comfortable again and I'm trying my best to do everything I can make that happen. She obviously cares a lot about me, and I'm so grateful she didn't just dump my ass on the spot. I want it to work and I hope she can eventually become comfortable with me.

I would dump your ass.  At least you were brave, strong and told her all the steps.  You are being loving and a man telling her.  I think it is admirable you showed moxy.

All the steps you are taking to protect her....

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En pocas palabras eres una escoria por personas como tú es que muchos estamos en este problema y en este foro

 

In short, you are a scum by people like you that many of us are in this problem and in this forum

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@Littleshockeddit would be pertinent for her to get tested.  If she has it from you then no need for protection.   What made you choose not to disclose on the first place?

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I was in your shoes...tell her before someone else does. It's way worse and now I'm sitting here feeling like a monster. And he won't speak to me. And I feel like I've been rediagnosed all over again. Not worth it 

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On Thursday, May 04, 2017 at 5:05 AM, Poisonflower said:

I was in your shoes...tell her before someone else does. It's way worse and now I'm sitting here feeling like a monster. And he won't speak to me. And I feel like I've been rediagnosed all over again. Not worth it 

Take this as a lesson learnt which I'm sure you are but I'm sure you did not disclose because you are afraid which a lot of people are but just remember that being honest is what's really important in a relationship and even if the guy rejects you they will appreciate your honesty

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