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Mike Donovan

How to tell him?

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Mike Donovan

Hi guys! I was diagnosed with herpes for over a month, so everything is new to me. I've been alone since December 2015, and a week ago I met a boy and he makes me very happy. we have not hooked up yet, but I know it will happen soon. I want to tell him first. how can I do this in a way that does not let him uncomfortable, or go away from me?

 

ps.: sorry my english, I'm actually from Brazil

Edited by Mike Donovan

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K_Sock

Welcome to the site.. So, disclosure isn't tricky as it really just implies being honest so both him and you can make a decision that is best for the both of you - that decision may be to take it slow, discontinue the relationship or go full steam ahead with the relationship.  

There is definitely no sure fire way to ensure he doesn't become "uncomfortable" or "go away from you". All you can do is be honest and provide some facts. There are plenty of discussions on the topic here on the site. Best of luck 

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Lisajd

 

Often i say i like you and like to get to lknow you further but if things are going to progress there is something i need to tell you.   You could say, you know  the cold sore virus well i have it but down below.  Then go from.there based on what he says.  Just be strong and confident so he sees its all ok with you.  Good luck

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hitkid
On 10/17/2016 at 0:26 AM, Mike Donovan said:

Hi guys! I was diagnosed with herpes for over a month, so everything is new to me. I've been alone since December 2015, and a week ago I met a boy and he makes me very happy. we have not hooked up yet, but I know it will happen soon. I want to tell him first. how can I do this in a way that does not let him uncomfortable, or go away from me?

 

ps.: sorry my english, I'm actually from Brazil

Alright here's what you have to do: get to a point where you really don't give a shit about herpes. 

When I caught it I felt all the same bullshit that the people around here talk about. Stigma this and my life sucks that. I started telling people that I had herpes.After telling 8 or 9 people I have herpes, I found out that more than 15 people I personally know have herpes.

I started telling people when I was scared and depressed,  and when I would tell people they would mirror my horror and act like they just lost a friend. As time went on I stopped giving a shit about herpes and it was at that period when I noticed that when I told people they'd just shrug their shoulders at me. 

Moral of the story here is people will mirror your emotional state when you tell them. If you tell them like you're going to die, they'll talk to you as such. If you talk to them when you don't give a fuck, they won't give a fuck. It's pretty simple. I'm pretty sure I found the actual psychological theory behind that once. The key thing to being able to do this is not giving a fuck about your herpes. I mean at all.

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Mike Donovan

Thank you, guys! I talked to him, on week ago. I was like

"I care about us! Is that why I'm telling you that" 

Okay.. I cried. hahaha I was super scare! But he was so cozy, and I showed him that I'm okay living with that, and I didn't wanted him to feel sorry about me, I wanted his love and company. So... We are okay and I hope we date soon!

And I believe what hitkid said. When I found out about my herpes, the exams said that I already had it, for a long time. I realized that I was okay all this time, so nothing is changing. I just know myself better. 

Again, thanks! And lucky for all of us!

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SureWhyNot
23 minutes ago, Mike Donovan said:

And I believe what hitkid said. When I found out about my herpes, the exams said that I already had it, for a long time. I realized that I was okay all this time, so nothing is changing. I just know myself better. 

Simply Brilliant!

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K_Sock
On 10/22/2016 at 2:52 AM, hitkid said:

Alright here's what you have to do: get to a point where you really don't give a shit about herpes. 

When I caught it I felt all the same bullshit that the people around here talk about. Stigma this and my life sucks that. I started telling people that I had herpes.After telling 8 or 9 people I have herpes, I found out that more than 15 people I personally know have herpes.

 

15?! Wow! I guess it should be that easy... Still, i'm assuming most of that 15 did not know definitively that they had HSV, but rather just 'thought' they had had a cold sore at one point... Not every lip sore is actually a cold sore as caused by HSV...

On 10/22/2016 at 2:52 AM, hitkid said:

I started telling people when I was scared and depressed,  and when I would tell people they would mirror my horror and act like they just lost a friend. As time went on I stopped giving a shit about herpes and it was at that period when I noticed that when I told people they'd just shrug their shoulders at me. 

Moral of the story here is people will mirror your emotional state when you tell them. If you tell them like you're going to die, they'll talk to you as such. If you talk to them when you don't give a fuck, they won't give a fuck. It's pretty simple. I'm pretty sure I found the actual psychological theory behind that once. The key thing to being able to do this is not giving a fuck about your herpes. I mean at all.

Sounds kinda nice...but also a tad manipulative if you're just pretending not to give a shit about herpes... Disclosure is nothing except honesty that should lead to the best decision for both people involved... 

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hitkid
On 10/28/2016 at 6:18 PM, K_Sock said:

15?! Wow! I guess it should be that easy... Still, i'm assuming most of that 15 did not know definitively that they had HSV, but rather just 'thought' they had had a cold sore at one point... Not every lip sore is actually a cold sore as caused by HSV...

Sounds kinda nice...but also a tad manipulative if you're just pretending not to give a shit about herpes... Disclosure is nothing except honesty that should lead to the best decision for both people involved... 

That was all genital Herpes. Not oral coldsores. I've seen people I know on positive singles when I crept there and I've had people come into the chatroom pissed that one of my friends gave them herpes. I've also had people tell me. Had a girl that I disclosed to shrug her shoulders and say me too. 

There's nothing manipulative about it all. I don't give a shit about herpes. I almost never think about it. I usually just come around here for nostalgia. This place is filled with good decent hearted people. One of the only places you'll actually find that in the world. 

Edited by hitkid
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K_Sock

@hitkid Wow.. That's certainly pretty wild you've encountered 15 people with this ...Pretty cool, but a stark contrast to my reality where the girls I'm interested in don't even have oral HSV-1 and very few have even had mono...

Nicely put.. I'm glad you don't think anything of this herpes thing. :) And you're right that there are loads of awesome people here. 

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hitkid

Are you around nuns? lol. Truthfully a lot of them probably have oral h and it's not something to even worry about disclosing if you have it. People talk about that openly and don't care.

Trust me when I say this. If the entire internets google history was made public people having herpes would be the last thing thing on their minds. 

I just remembered you're from Toronto lol. You're in the land of herpes LOL. Herpes patient zero probably came out of Toronto.

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Free73
8 minutes ago, hitkid said:

Are you around nuns? lol. Truthfully a lot of them probably have oral h and it's not something to even worry about disclosing if you have it. People talk about that openly and don't care.

Trust me when I say this. If the entire internets google history was made public people having herpes would be the last thing thing on their minds. 

I just remembered you're from Toronto lol. You're in the land of herpes LOL. Herpes patient zero probably came out of Toronto.

hahahaha

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K_Sock
18 hours ago, hitkid said:

Are you around nuns? lol. Truthfully a lot of them probably have oral h and it's not something to even worry about disclosing if you have it. People talk about that openly and don't care.

lol. Nope, no nuns.. The people i'm around are just university-educated people whom have been fairly responsible...but also have had 10+ sexual partners and make-out in bars from time-to-time.. My sluttiest friend is a doctor who always seem to be necking on with someone new and has slept with over 50 girls (no nuns among them ;)).. To this day he has never had an STD/STI, and only just recently contracted CMV. He still does not have EBV, VZV, HPV, HSV-1/2 or anything else.. and he gets screened frequently.

I have kissed well over 30 girls but didn't get oral HSV-1 until my mid 20's... Again, none of the 30 were nuns... and at least half of those were friends where we discussed STD's (including oral herpes) and none of those have ever had one -- they would've told me...

Since we know HSV really isn't all that contagious without sores, the stats are beyond shocking... We can't really have super high prevalence and super low transmission risks...

 

Quote



Trust me when I say this. If the entire internets google history was made public people having herpes would be the last thing thing on their minds. 

That's just silly...You need only read this site to understand that people experience stigma and someone finding out their status would be beyond mortifying for them... 

Quote

I just remembered you're from Toronto lol. You're in the land of herpes LOL. Herpes patient zero probably came out of Toronto.

Doesn't make any sense.. Clearly Italy should be the land for oral HSV if there is one as there is loads of social greeting kisses... In the U.S and Canada, education is fairly good and condom-use is fairly high..there's no reason to think either are the land for genital HSV.. The land would have to be Africa...

Edited by K_Sock
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WilsoInAus

Most people have HSV-1, CMV and EBV. Dating 10 people means there is the expectation that 7 have HSV-1. However it is exactly the same as throwing 10 dice and counting the 3, 4, 5 and 6 faces. Sometimes there will be 10, throw all day and maybe there will be none on a particular throw.

Nothing shocking, inconsistent or mysterious here.

There is no HPV test for males.

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K_Sock
16 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

Most people have HSV-1, CMV and EBV. Dating 10 people means there is the expectation that 7 have HSV-1. However it is exactly the same as throwing 10 dice and counting the 3, 4, 5 and 6 faces. Sometimes there will be 10, throw all day and maybe there will be none on a particular throw.

Nothing shocking, inconsistent or mysterious here.

There is no HPV test for males.

Yep. The dice analogy is a good one.. But when I reference this 'slutty doctor' who has kissed well over 200 girls and still doesn't have those viruses than that's more than luck.. He's the extreme example, but I know that of the 30 people closest to me, not one would have HSV-1... and I know that of the 3 girls i've disclosed to and have gotten tested, none of them had oral HSV-1.. Do I think the stats can still be correct and that i'm just unlucky with those 3 girls and that my doctor friend is very lucky to have not caught it...of course!

Crazy there is no HPV test for males yet governments have the audacity to cite prevalence in the 90%'s... Anyways, was just saying he had never had symptomatic genital warts, and so no evidence of HPV.

Edited by K_Sock
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WilsoInAus

It may be more than luck, some people have good general immunity. There is also the theory that people make skin Tcells against HSV as they are exposed to it but it doesn't reach the nerves. Basically it means the odds of being infected are ever decreasing over time for some people, oral and genital.

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hitkid
32 minutes ago, K_Sock said:

That's just silly...You need only read this site to understand that people experience stigma and someone finding out their status would be beyond mortifying for them... 

Quote

Everyone would be mortified. That's the point of this comment.

YOU HAVE HERPES IN A TORONTO UNIVERSITY AND YOU'RE WORRIED OTHERS DON'T HAVE IT? I've seen it all now. Trust me man, you're not even in the minority on that one lol. STD's are like trading card there man.

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K_Sock
25 minutes ago, hitkid said:

Everyone would be mortified. That's the point of this comment.

Gotcha... I think... Maybe not.

Quote

YOU HAVE HERPES IN A TORONTO UNIVERSITY AND YOU'RE WORRIED OTHERS DON'T HAVE IT? I've seen it all now. Trust me man, you're not even in the minority on that one lol. STD's are like trading card there man.

..I never said anything about being in university (i'm 29 and those days are behind me...Just said that everyone I know has gone to university - doesn't mean much)..or about being worried that others don't have it... (I'm glad those cited don't have it... I was purely speaking logically thats it's just startling that they don't)..

STD's are not like trading cards... I'm not even gonna humour that with a response...I'll just remind you for one that HIV is an STD, and I don't think you'd think it'd be like trading cards if you got it...

Edited by K_Sock
typo

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K_Sock
10 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

It may be more than luck, some people have good general immunity. There is also the theory that people make skin Tcells against HSV as they are exposed to it but it doesn't reach the nerves. Basically it means the odds of being infected are ever decreasing over time for some people, oral and genital.

How many people are like that? ;) 

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Lisajd
21 hours ago, hitkid said:

There's nothing manipulative about it all. I don't give a shit about herpes. I almost never think about it.

I agree not manipulative at all.  I dont care i have it either most of the time.    

21 hours ago, hitkid said:

There's nothing manipulative about it all. I don't give a shit about herpes. I almost never think about it.

I agree not manipulative at all.  I dont care i have it either most of the time.    

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