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How do I tell him!

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How do I tell him? He doesn't deserve this! I didn't know I had a canker sore because I thought I just bit my cheek, I have a problem with always biting my cheek like a stress reliever, but after giving him oral sex I noticed my cheek was burning I looked inside and it was now a canker sore/herpes sore he was gone by the time I noticed. I went to my dentist for a check up and asked him about the sore he said not to worry it's not contagious. But then now he's been feeling a little tired and sometimes hot, yesterday his lower back was bothering him! These are the sign aren't they?! I'm freaking out and keep having anviety attacks. My doctor diagnosed me with herpes labias or something like that by looking at it only no swab back in June of this year. How do I tell him I might've given him herpes on his genitals? I never thought I had to tell him I've had it on my mouth since I've always thought it was normal in my family! I'm such an ignorant person and a horrible one I wish I could die!



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Don't freak out. Seriously. Deep breath in, breathe out.

Canker sores are common and no one knows what causes them. I don't know what Doctor you've been to, but there are some seriously misinformed doctors out there. Herpes-type sores usually happen on your lips, not inside your mouth. Not that it never happens, but really, really nothing to freak out over unless you've tested positive.

If you're really concerned, go get tested.


but I really wouldn't be too freaked out by this.

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Do I tell him anything? Or just wait to see if gets sores?

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Looks like there've been no responses for about 3 weeks.  Any updates yet?


My 2 cents based on my own life story:

Tell him upfront, ASAP, and educate him on risks and symptoms and lifelong considerations, starting with prevalence - especially type 1 (the cold sore type, which has mutated over the years to survive on the lips or even the genitals because in the past it wouldn't survive in the genital area, but thank the 1960s for that development, I suppose).  Including the somewhat increased risk of dementia in old age while also noting risk does not mean it will by any means happen.  There are online resources that do coaching on this issue, I need to look up the bookmarks on my other computer as well since, the next time I become intimate with somebody, I have to mention this and how I got it.  If they reject me, I can not and will not blame them for rejecting me regardless of how innocent I am.  If the situation were reversed, I would react the same way.  And I wouldn't want to give it to them. 
Disclaimer - the remainder of my post is my story.  It has been 1.25 years since I left that person.  I still have raw feelings.  My situation does not parallel anyone else's, and individuals react to what could be similar situations differently.  It is also why I advocate being the bigger person and saying upfront what one has.  It might not be necessary to explain the "how", but saying so someone "I have this" can help.  In my case, saying "I have this, it was given to me by an ex who cheated and brought it home" is all there really is to it.

Personally, looking back, I can't think of a way it would have been avoided.  Possibly reduced chance at best, but still probable.  HSV travels through sweat so condoms would inevitably have been ineffective.  Heck, it's claimed there's only a 4% transmission risk is unlikely when one has no symptoms but it still can happen.

All in all, let him have the informed choice - but education on prevalence and treatment, patience, understanding, and so on, it is not the end of the world.  It only feels like it at times.  But we believe to value the lives of those we sleep with, or we would not call them "lovers".  Knowing one has a STD and spreading it doesn't seem to be an act of love.  Not that I am aware of.  Treatable or otherwise, trying not to spread it is the ideal solution.  The risks remain but, heck, a person can walk across the street and get half-splattered by a drunk driver and being crippled for life.  I can't think how HSV s worse than that and drug treatments do exist.  Because "life happens".  Doesn't mean anyone is bad, not even my ex.  You're not bad.  Just feeling ashamed and worried.  Despite it all I still believe that was the case with my ex.  I feel such emotions constantly, along with worry that I would be rejected.  But I have to let people know regardless of risks and repercussions no matter how minor (and in most cases they're minor, with the bigger risks often exaggerated but the risks are still technically there.)

Edited by HerpedUpOne

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    • Pitchbird
      It may be small scale but at least it shows me that I'm by far not the only one who isn't willing to disclose to casual partners anymore. The damage for oneself is too high to make it worth it imho: - seduction becomes difficult as guy if they know in advance - you're very likely to become a gossip object if it happens within your social circle - you get abandoned before it even starts to get intense - you end up lonely and depressed after being abandoned for such a reason Still, that doesn't answer the question if it's better to disclose properly out of nowhere during the relationship or wait for the symptoms to appear and pretend to be surprised and fake the doctor diagnosis afterwards. At the moment I think the true disclosure would be less likely to be accepted by the partner, but in case it works it would feel better in the end because there's less of a secret kept in the long run... and of course there's lower moral burden when disclosing earlier because you're handing over responsibility of risk exposure to the partner.
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