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Disclosing after sex (HSV1 oral)

anxiousgrrl

By anxiousgrrl,
in Disclosure (telling)

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anxiousgrrl Newbie

anxiousgrrl

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Posted

Sigh where do I even begin? I was diagnosed with oral herpes (HSV1) after a long time bf went down on me (with no symptoms). We broke up years later for other reasons. But since then dating has been a nightmare. I can't shake my own internalized stigma about everything and the feeling of shame like my sex life will be ruined forever and no one will ever want me. It truly makes me feel sick with stress. I met someone new a couple of months ago and we've been hanging out consistently and developing feelings for one another. We've made out and such but last night we had sex for the first time (used protection). He tried to go down on me and I stopped him, thinking having sex with a condom was safer than oral, given my status.  I didn't have it in me to disclose when he asked me why I stopped him from oral later that night. And the thought of disclosing and the fact that I didn't is weighing heavily on me now. I genuinely care for this person and the fear of him rejecting me is making me sick and I know I've been selfish. My question now is how do I disclose after the fact? We used condoms and my GYNO has said using condoms already helps a ton. She insists it's not a big deal, but I can't shake the feeling that it is? What do I say? "I didn't let you go down on me the other night/ I didn't go down on you because I've had a cold sore (aka oral herpes) and I wanted us to talk about that first" "it's not a big deal as 80%_90% of people have had a cold sore once in their life, I just wanted to let you know before engaging in oral sex. I haven't had a coldsore in months and that was my only one, but I just wanted to let you know I have had one - even though I don't right now" is that okayyyy? HELP

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Disc0rdant Acknowledged Support Member

Disc0rdant

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Honestly.  That is exactly what you should say.  Then both get tested.  Protect you.  Protect him.  There is a 60-80% chance he has it.  Even if he doesn't, 60-80% of the girls he may kiss have it.  That is how I explained it to my ex who was negative for everything.  Then tell him how you will protect him(if you notice sonething down yonder, no sex till it clears plus a couple days.

She still let me please her down there....

We were careful(but she was a tiny bit paranoid)  

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Throwaway6759 Honeycomb Member

Throwaway6759

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Well for one you don't have oral herpes. You have genital herpes but you have type 1 instead of the once typical type 2. You should have told him before you had sex because there is a risk, although low, that you could give it to him genitally. Be honest with him and tell him the facts and what you are doing to mitigate the risk for him. 

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    • CHT
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      By CHT · Posted

      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
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      By CHT · Posted

      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
    • FirstTimeUser
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      By FirstTimeUser · Posted

      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      HSV1/2 blood test results

      By Marlena · Posted

      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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