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NotASaint

Ruined It

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NotASaint

I was diagnosed over 10 years ago. Always got to know really well and tell my partners before being intimate. Now I've met someone and something magical happened. We very quickly spiraled into a very intimate relationship in a very short time. I didn't tell him. I don't know why. I just COULDN'T. Well, I finally did after being with each other for almost 8 weeks. He didn't take it well at all. He's not mad or ugly to me but he's emotionally gone. He's so hurt and sad. My heart is shattered. After telling him we didn't speak for several days and when we did he just sounded so hurt. I don't know what to do. I really think I fell for him and he for me and now I ruined it. How could I be so irresponsible and reckless? I know our relationship is new but I've never felt this type of connection so quickly to someone. I feel like I betrayed him. I'm in so much guilt and shame. If you have any experience or advise please guide me.

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Happyshak3042

Sorry to hear you are so hurt. I can relate completely. This is the hardest thing ive ever gone thru except getting clean off heroin 8 months ago. So the guy ive been seeing for 2 mos hasnt talked to me since i told him 2 days ago. To make it worse idk if he dissapeared cuz he knows he gave it to me, or if he is shocked and processing news. My advice is if he is at least willing to be in your presence take it for what it is. Take it slow and one day at a time (learned that from my recovery). The night i told him i had just come back from a week vacation. I missed him and my feelings for him had grown. Thought i was falling in love. Yet when he saw me, no hug, no kiss, no affection at all. This was before i told him. After, he wouldnt even sleep in his bed with me. I woke up hurt and felt guilty and isolated. I left for work and he didnt even say bye, not a word. I hope he comes back to me, yet i think if he did it would never be the same. Like you said the emotions would be gone. How are us women supposed to handle this? My gut tells me he cheated and that is how i got this. Yet i have no proof. If he was just leading me on i guess its easy for him to walk. I feel for you, as this is definitely a life changer. I did see an article on herpes being your wingman. You should check it out. 

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Sansa218

Hi Not,  BTW, none of us are...we're just real people who get a bit sidetracked at times with this stupid infection.  I wouldn't jump to the conclusion that you have ruined it just yet.....give him some time to process.  Yes, he has a right to feel hurt and sad, and pretty much all you can do is apologize profusely and tell him that you just got bowled over with the pace of things.  It's not a great excuse, but it does explain why you did it.

If you acknowledge that the horse is out of the barn, so to speak, maybe you could talk with him about whether he's been tested before, if he has ever had a cold sore, and talk about safer sex practices.  I am assuming you were probably not being excessively diligent re:  condoms, but if you were not in a prodome or OB, then the likelihood of it being transmitted to him is not high, as female to male transmission rates are lower than male to female.  If he was truly vulnerable, he could have already had an OB.  You can't change what happened, but maybe you two can discuss it rationally and move on.  If he doesn't come around, then as hard as it is, you might have to chalk this one up to experience.  

I understand that things can happen quickly and be very intense.  This sort of thing happened to me a couple of months ago.  I disclosed after we had sex the first time and he was OK with it, but about 6 weeks later he had an OB, and he backed away big time.  I am not even sure if he had it before and just didn't notice symptoms or if I was the cause of his infection.   The guilt is hard, I know.  I've tried to see if we could get past it, but he had other big life issues at the time, so I basically gave up at the beginning of November.  I broke down and texted him yesterday and he texted right back, and said he had texted me on Thanksgiving to say hi (I didn't get it) and that his other issues are resolving, so perhaps there is some hope.  I don't know, but I cannot help being cautiously hopeful that we might resume our relationship.  So don't despair, try to be realistic about how he is being with you, and maybe try to let him gain a sense of control over his feelings. Being open to discussing it, and acknowledging his fears while providing potential safeguards and testing could help things go in you favor.  Good luck.

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NotASaint

Thanks y'all. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. Give him space so he can clear his head and hopefully we'll talk soon. Can he be tested without an OB? I feel like it might help if he knew right away.

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Sansa218

He can be tested without an OB....it is the IgG test, but he could have a false negative if the infection was recent (i.e. within the last 12-16 weeks).  It is a blood test;  you don't need to have symptoms.

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Lisajd

Ive seen it happen many times and its always gone pear shaped.  Its a trust thing.  Think about this?  Did you get told?   If he wants to be with you he will look past it. 

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Disc0rdant
On 12/3/2016 at 7:00 AM, NotASaint said:

I was diagnosed over 10 years ago. Always got to know really well and tell my partners before being intimate. Now I've met someone and something magical happened. We very quickly spiraled into a very intimate relationship in a very short time. I didn't tell him. I don't know why. I just COULDN'T. Well, I finally did after being with each other for almost 8 weeks. He didn't take it well at all. He's not mad or ugly to me but he's emotionally gone. He's so hurt and sad. My heart is shattered. After telling him we didn't speak for several days and when we did he just sounded so hurt. I don't know what to do. I really think I fell for him and he for me and now I ruined it. How could I be so irresponsible and reckless? I know our relationship is new but I've never felt this type of connection so quickly to someone. I feel like I betrayed him. I'm in so much guilt and shame. If you have any experience or advise please guide me.

Relationships are about trust.  He needs to know you are going to protect him(as you need to know he will protect you)  I have no great advice except you need to apologize to him.(in my opinion)  We all make mistakes.  The best thing to do is own them.

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NotASaint

Thank you. We are talking again but not like it was. He's supposed to be getting a blood test soon. I'm not sure if he'll ever come back completely but I'm willing to wait it out and be patient with him. I know he deserved to know in advance. I know I broke his trust. I know this will be devastating if he has it. I just hope he will forgive me.

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Disc0rdant

I agree with Lisajd.  If he wants you, he will look past it.  I personally would not look past it.  That to me is physical danger.  Anyone who knowingly does that to me is probably not going to make the cut.  I don't know the effect hsv2 would have on me.  If that means I miss out on love, I will deal w it.  You cant force love.  You can chose to love, though.  

I am currently alone and ok w it.  Maybe take a step back.  I am sure at this point it will be difficult.  If you told me to step back a yr ago, I couldnt have.  I was so intensely missing her, I couldnt step back.

Thinking about you.  

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Lisajd

People are afraid to disclose for their own reasons (mostly selfush or thru embarrassment)  i told a guy yesterday i had the cold sore virus but it aint on my lips.  I explained i take meds so risk is 1%.  He goes lisa im not worried about it, there are no guarantees in life you need to make the most of it.

 

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NotASaint

He has it. I have ruined his life and it is such a heavy burden. We haven't talked in several days, I know he needs space but it is so hard for me to stay away. I don't understand how i could be so cruel. I didn't have any symptoms. I've never not told a partner. My doc says that it may have been because I hadn't been sexually active for quite a while and being with him 'woke up the virus'. WTF. How do I go so long with never giving it to anyone to giving it to this one person that matters the most to me??? How was I so stupid? I've never been scared or worried about disclosure, it was always part of the deal. Now I've completely ruined another persons life. I have forgotten how hard that first outbreak is. I've been looking at Google pictures and researching it and what I've done is absolutely hateful. I doubt I'll ever hear from him again and my heart is completely shattered. I'm at a total lost. I

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WilsoInAus

Are you sure @NotASaint? It doesn't sound like he had an outbreak. If he has HSV-2, then he may very well have had it long before he met you. What testing did he have?

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NotASaint
12 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

People are afraid to disclose for their own reasons (mostly selfush or thru embarrassment)  i told a guy yesterday i had the cold sore virus but it aint on my lips.  I explained i take meds so risk is 1%.  He goes lisa im not worried about it, there are no guarantees in life you need to make the most of it.

 

That's pretty much how it's always gone in the past. I've never not disclosed. Ever. The men I dated I took the time to get to know and well before being intimate I said something similar to "our relationship is going well and I hope that one day we'll be intimate so I think you should know now that I have tested positive for HSV." Then I give them some info and tell them I'm available to answer any questions. Never once did a man back away, we always moved forward. I just don't have a reason for not telling this man. I was so intimidated by my initial attraction and it just happened. And then kept happening. I am sick to my stomach knowing that if I would have told him he most likely would have been OK with it and we could have moved forward. Now I'm pretty much guaranteed to never see or hear from him again. Fuck.

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NotASaint
1 minute ago, WilsoInAus said:

Are you sure @NotASaint? It doesn't sound like he had an outbreak. If he has HSV-2, then he may very well have had it long before he met you. What testing did he have?

I'm pretty sure. Over text (freaking text) he told me he had the beginning of a cold sore. That he was freaking out because he's never had one. Then he fell off the face of the planet. 

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Lisajd

A cold sore on his mouth is unlikely to be from you if you have hsv2.  Hsv2 oral is rare.   He may already have oral hsv from the past and stress of your disclosure has brought on an ob.  

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NotASaint

@Lisajd I don't think I have HSV1. Are you telling me it's 2 completely different things? Fml.... Google, here I come! And this week I'm going to try and get another blood test to see what exactly I have. My brain is scrambled. I am going to really be able to handle life a lot better if he's just using my truth as an excuse to dump me, lol! My goodness, I hope that's what happened.

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WilsoInAus

That is a great idea to get sorted what you do or do not have.

HSV is generally a single location infection. A genital infection does not result in an oral cold sore for example. 

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Sansa218

Hi again, Not....so I'm reading this through and you say he dropped off the planet....but wasn't that just a few hours ago?  He stopped texting, OK, but try to take a breath here.   I think you are beating yourself up massively and that is not very soothing or productive for you.  You cannot change what happened, and ruminating is just making you feel worse.  I think you both need information - if he said he has the beginning of a cold sore, that is not factual evidence that he has herpes.  The results of a swab of an active lesion, PCR and/ or correctly timed IgG test are what will provide evidence of infection.

As Wilso and Lisa said, HSV-1 (oral) and HSV-2 (genital) are individual viruses of the same family and they cannot change their type on transmission and it is unlikely that your HSV-2 would appear on him in his mouth area.  

As you've realized, texting is not the best format for talking about this.  If you have his email, maybe you could send him a note saying you are going to get fully tested and that you will share your results with him as soon as you have them.   Apologize again if you want, but also urge him to get tested (maybe you could offer to cover his costs), and maybe provide him some links with good and accurate information.  Then let it be....try to process this in your own mind and find a way to move off constantly thinking of it.  Good luck.

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Disc0rdant

Trying 45 liked my post and it got me curious.  Have you heard anything more from him?  

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Poisonflower

I've found my self in this situation and I'm not quite the same and I haven't been with another man since. It's hard to say something when you really feel the way you feel about someone. All he kept saying is you should have told me! And he would have respected me more. But would he have chose me...and I been rejected far too often already. I just went the wrong way. I stole an experience for me and stole his right to choose for himself. And I can honestly say no it wasn't worth it. That was the greatest relationship I ever had and I only had it for 6 months. I got too afraid when I got to know him that he wouldn't choose me. He was so disappointed and he hasn't spoken to me since.

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      My comment was about THE BLOOD TEST!  You’re 95-100% accuracy for it?  Garbage.  Pure garbage.  You might as well have pulled that number out of your ass. Google search HIV accuracy... almost every medical site will tell you 4th generation HIV testing is as close to 99.9% percent you can possibly get after a certain period of elapsed time.  They will pretty much GUARANTEE you that you are indeed negative if you have a negative test. That defined certainty of accuracy WILL NOT AND CAN NOT be found for HSV blood tests.  You get vague descriptions of it’s accuracy from almost every site you visit.  NO CERTAINTIES.  Thousands of us on these forums KNOW the test isn’t accurate. When your score is between 1.1 and 3.5, this could be a false positive.  Certain sites list almost 1 in 2 tests can be false positives.  50 fucking percent!! And you want me to believe the test is 95-100% accurate? How come so many sites also seem to dance around the possibility of false negatives?   All that isn’t necessary in HIV testing.  Because if YOU DO get a low positive, the confirmatory HIV test checks for the actual VIRUS in your system.   And there are almost NO FALSE NEGATIVES.    NO HSV BLOOD TEST CAN DO THAT! Not even the Western Blot.  At the end of the day, it’s just a more detailed look at antibodies.  And many sites will tell you a “small” number of people may never develop. How small are we talking???? That can be any number.   Trash. And again, a large margin of people with herpes DO NOT GET LESIONS to be swabbed.  Google tells you that.  If majority of herpes infected have nothing to swab,  well that pretty much makes PCRs and cultures worthless for the most part doesn’t it?  If there is nothing to swab after a year, in your words, you are clear of herpes. BULLSHIT! So Wilso, just stop it.  You have never done scientific testing in a lab yourself on herpes. You are not a doctor.  You are constantly telling people false information.  Assuring them of promises you have no authority to make.  I’ve seen you do it time and time again.  Do you have regrets???????????  Im tired of your lies.  
    • WilsoInAus
      @Talx2520 based on what you say, Im not sure the odds exceed 50/50 that you have genital herpes. If you take a random genital infection from vaginal sex then about 95% of the time it’s HSV-2. How long after the episode was the blood test?
    • Talx2520
      Thanks for the response! My first suspected outbreak was definitely painful. Started with what felt like a UTI, then noticed what looked like ulcers starting 1.5 days after unprotected sex. Never scabbed over, but I had a horrible itch that lasted 2  weeks (didn't feel like yeast). Given my symptoms, I've pretty sure its genital herpes, but I mean it could have been some allergy (I had extremely rough intercourse in the middle of the wilderness, sorry if that is tmi lol and maybe naive of me to think it was a weird plant). Both my mom, sister, and grandma get coldsores and I feel like i've totally shared drinks with them even during their outbreaks. Can't remember if I ever had one though. I am not totally sure how I should go about disclosing in general. Should I mention I had a full panel and hsv-1 came up positive and that I am not sure where it is? I really wish I had just gotten it swabbed, but couldn't afford it without insurance at the time. I was under the impression that if it was herpes, it would come back and I could get it swabbed, but I realize now that with HSV-1 that isnt always the case. 
    • WilsoInAus
      @viralfrog given your symptoms do not react to any known antiviral doesn thatvsuggest these are not herpes lesion?  Lets apply Occam’s razor here.
    • viralfrog
      @Lulupazoola I have tried with a straw but it's difficult to create enough suction if the straw is deep enough in your throat  After drinking 6g from a shotglass I immediately drink a glass of water to dilute it down the throat.  Little update: blisters, redness and lethargy are back today. I'm still off the antivirals completely and my outbreaks are not any worse than usual for now. That's interesting, it seems I don't react at all to Acyclovir.   
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