Jump to content
World's Largest Herpes Support Group
Rdphx3191

Having A Rough Time - Looking for an H-Buddy

Recommended Posts

Rdphx3191

Hey! I'm Ryan—25, male. I was diagnosed about 4 months ago. Looking for a buddy (no gender preference) to message, Skype, and maybe meet in person (I'm in the Phoenix, AZ area).

It's been strange dealing with this. Some months the mental strain is really difficult, and others I hardly think about it all. I'd love to hear how different people find their own mental peace and resilience :)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
LilyMae

Hi Ryan. I've had H for 21 years. My life is very normal and happy. The impact H has had on it is there but really pretty minimal on the scope of all the things that make up a human life. I think the most important thing in dealing with it is our own attitudes anout it. Please feel free to message me anytime. 

Hope you're having a good day.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Adzboiii
On 08/12/2016 at 3:08 AM, WarriorKing said:

Been 38 years for me. Didn't slow me down or stop me in life.

How did you find dating? Did you change your approach? How did you get the confidence to come out with it before you really know someone? That's all I need to know and I'll be a happy man.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
JessW

Hey Ryan and everyone else. I'm Jess I'm 26 currently in Maryland and I was diagnosed in November. I ended up contracting it from my ex bf who lied about his clean testing. I've been living with herpes for about a month it's been hard to say the least. I haven't told many and the ones I have told about 50% of thoes friends have deserted me and now treat me like I have leporcy so dealing with it mentally has been done in a different way for me. 

 

I try to not think about what's happened to me as much and focus on other aspects of my life. I have a daughter from a divorce and I try to focus on her and not worry about it. I've come to terms with it and understand that life goes on and i have to keep moving for myself and my child and remind myself it.could have been a much worse diagnosis.

If you ever wanna chat look me up I'll be around and I hope this website can also help me in a way to cope with it. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Adzboiii
2 minutes ago, sclg said:

One piece of advice I do have is to try your best to not sound ashamed when talking about it. It's really difficult, but try to be calm and normal, like you would be about saying "Hey, I want to let you know that sometimes my hands get really dry in the winter and I have to use extra lotion," because, when you take the stigma out of it, it's really as simple as that. A minor skin condition that flares up occasionally. 

 

 

 

That's the only trouble for me, I can be confident but when it comes to this?! I have no chance. Sounds pessimistic I know but I hate people around my neck of the woods, even the boys are just as bitchy as the girls! Thing is, my problem is not par-say how I will tell them because I have a rough idea more so on who do I trust to tell, a lot of people round here are in group chats etc, myself included. These group chats usually get the latest gossip and if say perspective partner were to leak that to her friends for advice and they give the 'errrggghhhhh' speech and then everyone knows and you get avoided like the plague. Catch my drift?  When do you tell them, 1st date 2nd 3rd? Online before you even meet? I just don't know when's 'Appropriate' My trust issues are a major factor in my wanting to stop it altogether.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sclg

@Adzboiii Oh totally! I completely get it. My advice is this-- wait until you feel is the right time with the person you're seeing, and you feel like you TRUST this person. I can't give you a set amount of dates in that might be, but I can say that with my current boyfriend it was about 3/4 dates along.

At this point it was clear that he was invested in getting to know me, and also wanted to sleep with me. I gave him the little speech and he said "yeah, cool. I dated someone who had this." This is the second boyfriend in a row who has responded this way. 

I think the important thing is trust. You need to trust the people you tell love you unconditionally, or, in a dating context, are attracted to you and invested enough in you that they are like "yeah, okay, whatever, get naked."

In a platonic context, only a select few of my friends know. This isn't information I share with everyone. Only with my closest friend who I trust dearly, and with people I am dating and going to sleep with. 

If you find people treat you like you have the plague then I'd say to challenge them. Say, "explain to me why this is so horrible? Explain to me how this changes who I am as a person? Explain to me how this situation would be different if the tables were turned?" Or drop some statistics about how common the virus is, or, say something along the lines of what I said above, which is,"this is about as "bad" as occasionally getting a zit, so what are you freaking out about? That it's on my private parts? grow up." 

 

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Adzboiii

You're very down to earth, I have to admit. It's very refreshing to speak with someone in a similar age group and hear nice things! 

Yes like you all my close friends know but that's in case I ever crash my bike (Like I do every week) and bleed everywhere so they can be cautious. At first they didn't really understand and sort of had a joke but then my close friend did loads of research to put my mind at ease and told me to man up. However, he also agreed that he couldn't give me any advice in terms of talking about it. 

I have been too trusting and told someone else who screwed me over but I've had my revenge so all good. (No I didn't rim his cup of tea but I was very tempted too).

I just find it hard to know who I can trust, that was present even before I contracted this. Not many people have it around here especially by some of the stats I've seen.  I've considered relocating to another country where the stats of people who have it are higher but that's something that would take time.

How on earth did you cope at 18? Finding out at 24 has made me reckless let alone if I'd known back then.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
sclg

Yes, trust is crucial. 

Oh boy. I thought my life was over when I got it! It was hard as it took a while to find a way to keep outbreaks to a minimum (I'm at about one every 1-2 years). But honestly, it rarely comes up in my mind unless I am having an outbreak or if I am seeing someone new. 

It makes you slow down a little, which for me isn't a bad thing, and it's certainly given me more compassion to people who have conditions that have a stigma. 

I've never transferred it to anyone (I've never slept with anyone while I was having an outbreak).  I've had long term relationships (6 years, 2 years, etc) where we didn't use any protection, and those partners also never got it. 

Edited by sclg

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Adzboiii

You've reassured me somewhat that things may get better. I do have a little bit of my mind put to rest.

Thank you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Joseph_Esp
On 9/12/2016 at 8:51 PM, Adzboiii said:

You've reassured me somewhat that things may get better. I do have a little bit of my mind put to rest.

Thank you.

We are on the same boat, mate. Young and got it not a long time ago, I still fucking cry sometimes. If you wanna share any thoughts on this, you can do it anytime. Would be useful for me, too. Cheers.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Rdphx3191

The physical aspect is almost non-existent. Just the emotional struggle. It's getting better though. I found a buddy in my area, so that's helped a lot. We both went through nasty breakups while finding out.

(And sorry to everyone for responding like a week later. I think because the site went down for awhile I didn't get any notifications on this.)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Peacepleez

I'm looking for an H-buddy too.  For me the physical is unbearable--so much pain from primary ob that won't go away for 6 months--burning back pain, leg pain, genital pain--since diagnosis.  won't go away.  driving me crazy--just want some support that others have gone thru this and got better.  i can handle the positive part.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
honeybadger19

Hi there! I'm new to this site and new to really publicly disclosing my diagnosis, but I feel it is necessary on my path to healing. I've contracted H when I was 16 from my boyfriend who had been cheating on me from the very beginning of our relationship. I am now 29, and my path to healing has been very slow and emotional. Shame is definitely holding me back, and it has affected my ability to have a positive outlook on dating. I had a steady boyfriend for over 5 years and when we broke up I gave up on finding someone who would accept and love me. 

So here I am... hoping to release the shame and negative surrounding my beliefs around H. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
honeybadger19
On 12/9/2016 at 1:48 PM, sclg said:

Hi, All, 

Ryan, I totally get it. I got H when I was 18 years old, and am now 28, so I've dealt with having this since a young age. I still struggle with it. Especially at two particular times: 

  1. When I'm dating (which @Adzboiii I'll go into a bit more in a minute).
  2. When I have an outbreak

What I notice most is that I get really ashamed. Most of my struggle is just that-- shame. So what I try to do is break it down. What I'm feeling is that people will judge me and that I'm embarrassed. But how is this really different than any other skin condition? If you get eczema, or poison oak, or something of the like, the shame isn't there. I remind myself-- this is like having a zit. Just a simple skin condition. Most everything else I feel about it is just a reaction to the way the media has portrayed it to boost prescription drug sales, and the fact that sex is taboo in our society. So what I do is just remind myself over and over about that. 

Now, on to dating. Being a teenager and having to disclose this information was very difficult for me, but it gets better and better the older I get as this is a common condition and most people stop me while I'm telling them to say "oh, yeah, no problem, I've heard this before as I dated someone who had this." And even though I feel better about it, I still worry each time I date someone new and know we will likely become intimate. So. What I do it this. I make a speech in my head, and I repeat it and repeat it until I've memorized it. It varies per each person, but typically goes something like this "hey, I have something I'd like to share with you. I want to let you know that I have genital herpes. I have had it for 10 years and have never transferred it to any of my partners. I know when it's acting up and at that time I just refrain from any sexual activity. I just wanted to let you know so that we're on the same page." Sometimes people have questions, so I like to have some stats handy-- like how common it is, when my last outbreak was, how often it happens to me, etc. It hasn't changed my dating at all, it just adds an extra step before sleeping with someone. One piece of advice I do have is to try your best to not sound ashamed when talking about it. It's really difficult, but try to be calm and normal, like you would be about saying "Hey, I want to let you know that sometimes my hands get really dry in the winter and I have to use extra lotion," because, when you take the stigma out of it, it's really as simple as that. A minor skin condition that flares up occasionally. 

Hope this is helpful/reassuring. 

 

 

Your thoughts about over coming shame is refreshing! Thank you for sharing this. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Irina

I've had hsv2 since my early 20's, im now 53. After all these years I still get depressed during a break out. I've only told 2 people, a guy I dated who told me he had it before I slept with him and a NP friend who works works for health dept.   I was married for 20 years and never told my spouse. He has never had a breakout. I'm not sure how common this is but I get breakouts on my body way more often than the genitals. The site changes evert 3-5 years. This is so weird. 

Edited by Irina
Misspelling

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
WarriorKing
On 12/9/2016 at 0:27 PM, Adzboiii said:

How did you find dating? Did you change your approach? How did you get the confidence to come out with it before you really know someone? That's all I need to know and I'll be a happy man.

I never agreed to use my own word against me. The evil ones, beginning with the drug company that invented the stigma, and continuing with the comedians, and evil minded people that love to find something to cause others to internalize bad thoughts, whether by calling them fat, ugly, skinny or having an uncommonly big nose, were never allowed to pierce my mind.

This is a usually minor medical condition. Tens of thousands of people every year die from the flu. And many more have to fight through very unpleasant symptoms. Herpes related deaths are very rare, very rare. Both are viruses. Yet the one which barely threatens human existence has been used by the evil people to make others feel very bad about themselves.

Choose to change your viewpoint.

Now some potential sex partners may not want to get naked with you, then the very next night they will bare all and deep dive into a pool of hpv, hiv, hep c, chlamydia, gono, syph, hsv etc because the next one doesn't even know, consider, or care that they carry something. And/Or they themselves carry something. Such is life.

Choose to use different words, cold sore virus, minor medical condition.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


  • The Hive is Thriving!

    • Total Topics
      69,571
    • Total Posts
      468,650
  • Posts

    • Abdul malik
      I'm in ny and 39 inshallah Allah u still check for this
    • WilsoInAus
      That's exactly right, you can return to your life and get the blood test as a sleep easy in 12 weeks time (from the last episode).
    • Laurenhelena
      Him and his ex have regular breakouts with all the traditional symptoms and I believe he was swabbed.  So I can return to life as it was before all of this drama ? I may still look into a blood test is I am confident it is accurate 
    • WilsoInAus
      @Laurenhelena how is this guy sure he has herpes? All sounding a bit odd to me. Yes it is very unlikely you will develop lesions now. Rubbing skin to skin is required for any feasible transmission chance. The odds of transmission with unprotected vaginal sex are of the order of 0.08% per epsiode. Halve this if a condom is worn. Compare that to chamydia that has about a 33% chance of transmission with unprotected sex; now that's contagious!
    • Laurenhelena
      I just feel that it’s known as such a contagious STD - I’ve been lying to my family cause when I tried to talk about it they became very anxious and begged me to tell them I hadn’t slept with him when I had - If someone told me that they slept with someone with genital herpes my mind would instantly think they had it.  So it’s unlikely then that I’m going to get symptoms now? I’m not going anything further with that guy but we have cuddled and kissed in bed with underwear on, is that ok?  Im quite sure he has hsv2 given that his ex gave it to him through a threesome  I’ve never had a cold sore   
×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.