Telling my ex's new wife

[bitsnpieces]

A brief history: I was a virgin when I got married, my ex-husband cheated multiple times (though he only confessed to one), our last sexual contact was over 6 years ago. I apparently had several outbreaks over past year or so, but because I am abstinent, never suspected an STD. The viral test came back negative, but the history and symptoms with outbreaks and successful treatment (on this last outbreak) with Valtrex tells me enough.  

Now:  He just got married again a few months ago and to a former friend of mine no less. I feel compelled to tell him (for lots of reasons, righteous vindication being one of them).  Also, since his new wife is an old/former friend, I think she needs to know too, but I don't trust him to be honest with her. He was never honest with me about his affairs when we were married--not even when he gave me two other STDs!  

My quandary: What do I say to them? They live overseas and she doesn't seem to want to speak to me at all.  I've decided a personal letter might be best, but what do I say?  

[Blahdittilyblah]

I'd say nothing that's all on them. You are not responsible. And unless you have children with your ex there isn't much need for contact. You know you didn't get H from running around he got it and brought it back to you without telling you shame shame. However it is not your responsibility and he can easily try and twist this around to make you look bad. I feel this will only complicate matters worse for you. 

[bitsnpieces]

We do have kids together, so I am stuck still having to communicate with him. I wonder if I would feel the same sense of obligation to tell then if he was totally out of my life now.  I think the other thing is that she and I were once friends. If I was with someone that could be lying to me and my friend knew the truth and didn't tell me ... wouldn't I want the friend to say something? I don't know. 

[Lisajd]

You say you tested negative.  Did you have a swab or bloods.   If he has it hes probably passed it to her anyway or not.  If hes had it for years and is assymptomatic then his chances of passing probably low anyway.

Unlesd you have definitive test results what proof is there to say you have it 

Plus up to them to get tested. She might have something else to pass to him.  Is that your respinsibility as well to talk about stds with them?

[bitsnpieces]

They did swab test. I've wondered about asking for the DNA test next time I have an outbreak because I want to know for sure.  But when you read all the symptoms and patterns--it matches up to my history exactly and three different medical professionals agreed just by the history and appearance of last two outbreaks.

I agree it's not my job to educate them about choices and risks, but they may not even know what they could be dealing with. I highly doubt my ex has ever been tested for any STDS.  He's one of those people who thinks he is invincible and nothing is ever his fault. At the very least, he must have this one.  Even though she and I are estranged, I hate to think I could be sitting on valuable information and didn't share it with her.   

[Blahdittilyblah]

 It she is no longer a friend of yours. You even said she won't talk to you. I believe by you saying something now at this point will make you appear to be a disgruntled ex with herpes. Just think about it. And get a proper diagnosis first before you proceed any further. 

[bitsnpieces]

Okay so yeah, we aren't friends and I definitely don't want to come off as the disgruntled ex.  OF COURSE, I don't want our first communication in nearly 16 years to be 'hey you married my ex after all of barely 3 months of talking on Facebook and oh by the way he gave me an incurable STD and chances are you have it or will, but hey let's chat about how we intend to co-parent over an ocean'. (Obviously read sarcasm here.)

I know getting too far in their personal lives is risking the possibility of having a good working relationship for the sake of parenting, but I just can't imagine knowing and not saying something.  Maybe it's just because friend or not, I don't wish evil (in this case my ex with his lies, herpes and all) on her.  Wow, I do sound like the disgruntled ex ... but you have no idea what a manipulative jerk he is!

[Blahdittilyblah]

Then let this be his karma and hers you owe him or her nothing the parenting will come. The only mention is consider is if you guys had oral type1 then I'd say something for the kids sake although they'll likely be exposed to it in their lifetime 

[SureWhyNot]

Do what feels right for You. It is obvious this is playing on your mind and it seems you have considered all the angles. I would be like you, wanting to protect another human being. Obvious you cannot protect her as she has decided to marry this man you know so much more about. She made her choice and she gets to live with It. (notice I said It, scary clown)

I told a friend that her live in boyfriend had made sexual advances towards me. She never spoke to me again. I had to tell her because if he would do this with me he was doing it with others and I felt, as a woman, it was my duty to protect her with my knowledge. I guess she assumed I lied. For all I know, she was aware of his actions but now I knew that she had this weakness regarding him and felt exposed to me so could no longer face me as a friend.

Either way, good luck coming between a couple. You probably do not care what they think of you anyway and if this clears your conscience because she was a friend, do it. Just understand what your motives truly are as You will be blamed for it no matter what. You Will be the source so he garners her empathy and that she understands he would never do anything to hurt Her.

Or they will be grateful you made them aware, then not be able to look you in the eye because... You Know!!! Only you know the animals you are dealing with.