Longevity of partner that shared hsv with you....

[Newtothisandscared]

Hi Everyone,

      I was just wondering, as i am newly diagnosed with GHSV1 and have a currently very supportive partner how many people find longevity in relationships where they have been the receiving partner of the virus versus how many people end of ultimately break up as a result. I can see how stress and symtoms and fear and emotion play a big role with this diagnosis and was just wondering what others have found.....

[Blahdittilyblah]

Well I just kind of ended it with my gifter like 30 minutes ago. We lasted about 5 months. I feel bad but I feel like it was necessary at the moment. It's still way to early to tell if this will be permanent. 

[Newtothisandscared]

I am sorry, Blah. I can see how this diagnosis adds some way extra stress onto the already high pile of relationship stress in general....

[WilsoInAus]

It is the reason I am here really. I infected my partner with HSV-1 genitally, however her doctor told her that her swab was positive for HSV-2, a default for genital swabs. That really started a spiral of anger in herself, she believed that either she had it before and hence I was at risk, or I gave it to her having not disclosed. I went for a test the day after her diagnosis and within a few days the test result came back HSV-1 positive, which we knew, and HSV-2 negative which was also not a surprise to us given previous testing. no symptoms etc. 

Mutually we decided, within a week of that, to take a break. We were at the dating stage, about 12 months in and were not living together.

We individually researched and I did put it to her that what she probably had was genital HSV-1. She was in the process of leaving the corporate world to start her own business and heavily focused on that. 

We never reconnected. I spoke with her around about 3 years after her infection. She never found out type, but only ever had the initial outbreak and a small one a couple of months after. She has had a few boyfriends since and is going about her life as normal, even more so on her terms.

[Blahdittilyblah]

46 minutes ago, Newtothisandscared said:

I am sorry, Blah. I can see how this diagnosis adds some way extra stress onto the already high pile of relationship stress in general....

It's ok it's not necessarily the diagnosis I have forgiven her for that very early on as I know she likely had no clue. She is a good woman very caring very loving probably has treated me the best out of all the woman I have been with. I just wasn't planning on dating her in the beginning but then it happen so I figured why not give her a chance. I was interested in someone else and still am but am to chicken to disclose to her. I really don't know what I want to do she's heart broken right now and I feel terrible but I need my space to clear my head and it doesn't help that this is the holidays and her bday is next month I feel like an ass!

[Newtothisandscared]

WilsoIinAus - wow, that is an unfortunate situation. This virus is scary and the initial response, at least for me, was to react out of fear. My partner who gave it to me is supportive, for now, but i do worry about 'what else' may be lurking. And just newly diagnosed i feel a bit 'damaged'. I guess the best way to look at it is that things will settle in with time. And getting tested is smart. And responsible. There is someone out there for each of us, and that gives me hope :). 

[Newtothisandscared]

Blah - i understand, i think that time will help heal. And i think disclosing is a big key for trust and communication. If someone doesnt want to take the time to understand or respect you for who you are, then they may not be worth your time....

[Felix12]

I stayed with my ex for 3 months after she gave it to me. I broke up with her because she was a terrible person for many reasons. I would have accepted her if she had told me about having herpes upfront, but infecting me knowingly and not disclosing wasn't right. Still, I held on unnecessary for several months, but ultimately couldn't stand her anymore due to her personality, not herpes, and broke it off. I think a healthy relationship will succeed with or without herpes.  

[Newtothisandscared]

Felix12 - Excellent point. And i am glad you are not staying with her as it seems she was bringing you down. You will find that person worthy of a relationship with you, i am certain :). 

[Felix12]

2 minutes ago, Newtothisandscared said:

Felix12 - Excellent point. And i am glad you are not staying with her as it seems she was bringing you down. You will find that person worthy of a relationship with you, i am certain :). 

Thanks for the kind words. I've definitely moved on from the past and look forward to the future. 

[Lisajd]

I think if a person knew they had it and did not disclose then thats a different story. I dont know i could forgive.   I think it can put a strain if the relationship is rocky anyway.    

[Disc0rdant]

2 hours ago, Newtothisandscared said:

WilsoIinAus - wow, that is an unfortunate situation. This virus is scary and the initial response, at least for me, was to react out of fear. My partner who gave it to me is supportive, for now, but i do worry about 'what else' may be lurking. And just newly diagnosed i feel a bit 'damaged'. I guess the best way to look at it is that things will settle in with time. And getting tested is smart. And responsible. There is someone out there for each of us, and that gives me hope :). 

Amen.  Testing is smart and responsible.  Being afraid of pain, etc is natural and ok....  I read his response to finding out you got it.  It is not terrible.  He is thinking.  That is ok.  No human is perfect all the time.  It is the holding on, the loving without expectations that makes life worth living.  Holding on is part of loving without expectations.  I wasnt sure if I could truly love again until I met the girl with hsv2 this year.  Although she is not right for me, I know I can love.  That was worth it for me.  I will always be there for her.  Always.  I broke it off with her because she is not healthy.  Not healthy at all.  She apologized for how she treated me after I broke it off.  She said I was different than any man she had been with.  That was cool....

Edited December 21, 2016 by Disc0rdant
Added content and context

[coffeeunicorncandy]

My boyfriend gave me ghsv-1 6 months into dating.  I was furious, and 15 months later, am still dealing with momentary flashes of anger, resentment, and blame.  We are still together. 

I am not sure why he decided to stay with me/ how he reasoned that it was worth it, because the first 3 months were really hard.  I said some really mean things to him, and definitely did not make it easy.  He thought up the idea to go to therapy, and did all the initial research (found the therapist, made the appointment, made me go).  The therapist is great- she really helped, and after the first few months of going to couples therapy, I have continued to go alone.  I still see the therapist and try to go every other week.

It is REALLY, REALLY hard.  It was really hard for me personally, because I felt like he didn't fully disclose to me/I don't remember him disclosing.  I struggled with blaming him, being angry with him.  I still sometimes resent the unfairness of the situation.  But... he is the only person that I have ever dated, who i think I could be happy with/ maybe end up marrying.  And I think that the key in deciding to stay together with someone are the following:

1.) Does he have qualities that you need in a long term partner/ in marriage?

2.) Is this a healthy relationship?

If he meets the first criteria, then maybe it's worth it to try and work through all these issues, so that you can get to a healthy relationship.  I have to admit, sometimes my relationship isn't really healthy- but I'm trying my best, and I know he is too.  I always need to remind myself that if I still foster resentment, then our relationship will never work.

I listen to Louise Hay's positive affirmations, am going to therapy, and am working through Adult Children of Abusive Parents- a healing program for those who have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused.  These are resources that have really helped me. 

I'm not sure if you have had a troubled childhood, but personally- for me, getting herpes has brought all my old demons to the surface.  It is really hard, but I am working through it, and you can too.

I hope this helps you get through the first few months- YOU CAN DO IT!

 

 

[coffeeunicorncandy]

In regards to your post on "what else is lurking"- I forgot to mention, after my diagnosis, we went to a sexual disease expert doctor, to try and check if he had any other STDS (ex: HPV) - the doctor can physically check males for warts, but there is really nothing doctors can do to check for other strains of HPV in men,  For women,  the pap smear tests for HPV.  That might be something you can do to make sure nothing else is lurking.