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Well, I just got ghosted..

Felix12

By Felix12,
in ♡ Dating and Relating

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Felix12 Established Member

Felix12

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Before I had the change to disclose. And it sucks, and hurts. Didn't see it coming and I'm not sure the reason, though she seemed immature, so I can't say I'm shocked. But it's also showing me something. If I had disclosed and let's say she decided not to stick around then, I don't think I'd feel any worse than I do now. When something is over, it is over, and dwelling on the reasons is unnecessary. I wouldn't feel any worse if she left because of herpes, than I would if she left because I'm 5'8 and she doesn't like standing next to me in heels for example lol. A genuinely good match will except everything about me and if she doesn't, than wishing it worked would be wishing myself to be with someone who didn't see me as her perfect match. So today, a woman I've been dating ended it with me- and herpes had nothing to do with it. 

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Lisajd Platinum Support Member

Lisajd

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In the last 20 years I have dated a lot of guys some short term some longer term and I still didn't have any luck and having herpes for 18 mths has really not change my date experiences.   It is really just hard to find a guy who has his s*** together or has things in common and who has time and who doesn't stuff people around.   I know quite a few women who are trying to meet men they have herpes and half the time they don't even disclose because the same thing happens it's just not right.

I'm with someone at the moment and hope it is not an issue but it's not been the best of relationships so what you say is true herpes is really not got a lot to do with the dating scene

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Disc0rdant Acknowledged Support Member

Disc0rdant

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Felix-  I agree in some ways, in others I don't.  HSV2 is a dealbreaker for me.  I met another gal I liked to hang with.  She was really trying to move on the sex thing and I like to connect first(or at least feel like it can last thru relating, etc)  She disclosed after I gave my "let's test before we talk about sex" talk...  I pay for us to both test.  She was hesitant to agree at first.  Threw up roadblocks about it.  I am pretty matter of fact....  It doesnt change my opinion of her.  She would still be fun to hang with.  I just admitted I am selfish physically.  So.   Those are the breaks.  Lots of women ghost me or dont ever text back.  Eh.  It is a numbers game.  There are many eligible women for me out there.

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Disc0rdant Acknowledged Support Member

Disc0rdant

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Yeah...  lots of women dont like short guys.  I am almost 6 ft tall and some say it is too short.  City I live in, avg male height is 5'6"

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Felix12 Established Member

Felix12

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8 hours ago, Disc0rdant said:

Felix-  I agree in some ways, in others I don't.  HSV2 is a dealbreaker for me.  I met another gal I liked to hang with.  She was really trying to move on the sex thing and I like to connect first(or at least feel like it can last thru relating, etc)  She disclosed after I gave my "let's test before we talk about sex" talk...  I pay for us to both test.  She was hesitant to agree at first.  Threw up roadblocks about it.  I am pretty matter of fact....  It doesnt change my opinion of her.  She would still be fun to hang with.  I just admitted I am selfish physically.  So.   Those are the breaks.  Lots of women ghost me or dont ever text back.  Eh.  It is a numbers game.  There are many eligible women for me out there.

That is understandable. hsv-2 being a deal breaker for you is your non-negotiable, so you wouldn't be compatible with someone who had it. That's not a bad thing, it just one of your preferences. But you're also not the right guy for a woman who has hsv-2. It goes both ways.

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Disc0rdant Acknowledged Support Member

Disc0rdant

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Agree, Felix.  I really like your writing style, too.  I told her it was a dealbreaker and I am physically selfish.  Surprisingly, she texted me back and said if roles were reversed, she would do the same.  We texted for a couple of hours.  She is successful, a good mom, etc.  Still kinda bitter over her ex and that is not a complete dealbreaker but makes it difficult, too.

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Felix12 Established Member

Felix12

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9 hours ago, Disc0rdant said:

Agree, Felix.  I really like your writing style, too.  I told her it was a dealbreaker and I am physically selfish.  Surprisingly, she texted me back and said if roles were reversed, she would do the same.  We texted for a couple of hours.  She is successful, a good mom, etc.  Still kinda bitter over her ex and that is not a complete dealbreaker but makes it difficult, too.

Thank you for the kind words. You'll both meet someone more compatible. 

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HerpedUpOne Honeycomb Member

HerpedUpOne

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On 1/3/2017 at 0:54 AM, Disc0rdant said:

Felix-  I agree in some ways, in others I don't.  HSV2 is a dealbreaker for me.  I met another gal I liked to hang with.  She was really trying to move on the sex thing and I like to connect first(or at least feel like it can last thru relating, etc)  She disclosed after I gave my "let's test before we talk about sex" talk...  I pay for us to both test.  She was hesitant to agree at first.  Threw up roadblocks about it.  I am pretty matter of fact....  It doesnt change my opinion of her.  She would still be fun to hang with.  I just admitted I am selfish physically.  So.   Those are the breaks.  Lots of women ghost me or dont ever text back.  Eh.  It is a numbers game.  There are many eligible women for me out there.

 

That's a lifesaving strategy, especially for situations like HIV, though if HSV2 is that much worse than HSV1 (regardless of what one has, it's best to say it for the sake of all people involved IMHO).  That's the sort of stuff they need to teach in sex ed classes, self help books, "Coming out" books, intros to porn videos (just saying sex is best in a committed relationship is a waste of recording materials), anything to do with sex and any STD. 

And it's not selfishness, it's self-love that too many people sadly don't think of at the time or at all. And if they make excuses or manipulate afterward, then definitely they become off limits.  Which is half the coin - the other side of the coin is that those who don't disclose, and does it matter if they don't disclose out of shame or any other reason, are engaging in hate by spreading a STD without informing a partner.  IMHO, that includes having something and not knowing it. 

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      SUCCESS STORY: Herpes is an opportunity to built trust and connection through vulnerability.

      By CHT · Posted

      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      SUCCESS STORY: Herpes is an opportunity to built trust and connection through vulnerability.

      By Jeremy Spokein · Posted

      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
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      By WilsoInAus · Posted

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    • WilsoInAus
      Unsure if Herpes, awaiting swabs, need help

      By WilsoInAus · Posted

      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Could this be hsv-2?

      By Lcj987 · Posted

      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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