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Afraid to break up boyfriend bc I have ghsv type-1


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Hi.. Ive been on this board a few times in the past and it's always just what I need to feel not so alone in all of this. You guys are great!!!

To my story.. Im 23 and have type-1 genital herpes that I contracted about a month after having oral sex with my current boyfriend. I was 21 and still a virgin. I had 3 other relationships in which I had oral sex and none of those guys every had a cold sore for the entire time we were together. My boyfriend also has never had a cold sore, and immediately got tested after I had my outbreak in which the test came out negative. That left me angry and confused.. but the fact that I got an outbreak a month after the first time we had oral sex made me think I prob got it from him. It was like a freak accident I swear and it's something I could have never ever ever prevented. It's just an unfortunatle crappy thing that happened to me.

Anyways to my problem. We've been together for 2 1/2 years and he's been great to me since day one. We continued on with our relationship (in which we had only been together 2 months at that point) as if nothing happened. We had sex a year into our relationship and I went on the pill so we had unprotected sex and he's been fine. Never showed any sign on his mouth or genitally that he has herpes. I had that first outbreak and nothing since. But I have been left with chronic dysuria and painful sex in which im going to see a specialist in a week (Finally!!!). When it comes to our sex life its not that great cause it always feels like its burning "down there". Then I think how much sex hurts if I dont use crazy amounts of astroglide JELLY and it just turns me off. I think this is part of my problem. On top of this I feel like we've drifted apart. He's someone I thought I would marry at first, but this past year I havent felt the same about us. Sometimes feel more like friends then that boyfriend-girlfriend connection. Even though he's the greatest guy I know and has been nothing but good to me, I've been thinking of breaking up and just being single so I can go out and have fun. I want to be with someone I can have fun with and joke around with and just feel like theres no where else i'd rather be. With him, we've had fun together, but there always felt like there was something missing.

The problem is im afraid of breaking up with him because I have herpes and also because I have the whole burning and painful sex issue still there, it's not something I want to broadcast to a new boyfriend. My boyfriend has accepted me the way I am and has been there for me, so I feel so selfish to want to end it. I myself want to be single, but then I get this dreadful feeling of not being able to date normally because I dont know how anyone will react. On top of the fact that I dont want anyone to know!!! I dont want to regret losing such a great guy who accepted me for who I am and ill be alone forever!!!! This sucks so much! And no one knows I have it. I havent told any of my friends for fear that they are uneducated about it. Im afraid someone might blackmail me someday with it. Only my mom, best friend and boyfriend know. Oh and my exboyfriend who I am good friends with knows too because when I found out I told him. All he said was "so what its not a big deal you know.. just use condoms". That made me feel so much better but he's just ONE guy. Im afraid of telling someone and them having this immediate stigma about herpes, not understanding what it is and the different types and way of transmission without giving me a chance to explain how I caught it. I'm a pretty private person so to disclose this to someone is soooo hard. I've wanted so many times to tell a good friend of mine but I back out cause im scared of anyone else possibly finding out. I get upset when my friends tell me about their sex lives cause I dont have the same. It just feels bad in so many ways. I try to forget about it and just be optimistic but when it comes down to it the reality is that I have herpes and its something I have to deal with. I guess im still just so mad about the whole thing. And the fact that I had no idea I could have even caught it or prevented it makes me so mad. Im such a cautious person, it just makes me so angry. Who knew someone could have the herpes type-1 virus in their body and shed it from their mouth, never having a cold sore in their life, and at that moment pass it to you during oral sex!!! I only thought it was when the person had a cold sore you had to watch out. But even if I did know it was a possibility, I still couldnt have prevented it.. I mean come on people dont really use dental dams "just in case". And people kiss all the time without fear of spreading the virus to each other so why would I be cautious with oral sex when I had no reason to believe anything was wrong?

Anyways.. sorry this is soo long!!! Just a lot I wanted to get out. The main point was that I wanna break up, but scared of what may happen. Type-1 herpes isnt a big deal, its harder to spread genital to genital, and its even harder for a guy to catch it then a girl. On top of that the shedding rate is a lot lower. Even so, other people may not understand that and just say oh she has herpes eww gross lets tell the whole world!!! Ughh!!

Any feedback is welcomed. We are all in this together and that makes me smile. =)


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your 23 and have YEARS to find a new bf.

i say dump him, or keep it as friends- the fact that your even thinking about it is a issue, so you need to deal with it. then while your free and single, have some fun go out, have some you time. go to the doctor see whats up with the painfull sex, and deal with that.

all of this will make you feel so much better about your self that finding a new man wont be a issue.

and trust me, when you find the right one, it doesnt matter if you have 1 arm, and a stub for a leg they will still be with you for who you are on the inside.

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cold sores have been around a long time, i mean it comes out when the immune system is low (like during a cold) thus its called a cold sore. cold sores are very common, as a matter of fact, some people are born with them...doesn't necessarily mean the person is dirty.

dont stay in a relationship because you think you wont be able to find someone else ;)


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If you are simply not happy there, move on. Sometimes it is difficult to foresee what is going to happen next, but you DO know you don't like it NOW. Don't let fear stop you. It is like other things in life. You explore and grow.

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Question, does anyone know if pain and burning during sex is a symptom of herpes in women? My ex always complained it hurt to have sex; and burned. I'm trying to figure out how I got herpes, and that may be a tell-tale sign. Anyhow I would be intersted in feedback on this. Sorry to hear about the bad luck you had!

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      Hello "FeelingLost".... your fears and concerns are understandable but, nothing you've described regarding the sexual encounter would cause you to contract herpes.... further, your symptoms are not herpes related.  Best of all, your doctor is correct, your results don't show any herpes here.  You can relax.... definitely have your GP take a look at things and see what might be causing the symptoms but, again, none of them are typical herpes related.  I wish you the best in terms of talking to your wife about this encounter.... hopefully she will understand and you both can work through this amicably.  We all make mistakes.... be careful not to beat yourself up too hard over this.... you can become so racked with guilt that you start imagining physical symptoms.  Best of luck.... and take care..... come back to the site if you have questions.
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