Yesterday I had my life
Yesterday I would have been a wife
Burning, shooting, stabbing pain
Never again to regain my health
Tormented for life by this strange disease
Revenge from the body I foolishly neglected
Blinded by love
Always too trusting
How could this happen? Why me? Why did you do this?
Burning, shooting, stabbing pain
Yesterday shall come never again
Tomorrow promises better but today.....
Today I simply want to go back to yesterday
By Nick t
I was on this forum about a few months ago when I thought I had herpes. After about half a year of going through hell, I still don't know what is going on with me. I will try to make it short as possible. I came on this forum after having intercourse with a girl then a day later I got an infection down there. (I am a male, 19 years old, at the time I was 18 when it happened and she was 16.) Long story short, I went to a dermatologist and he instantly told me it's herpes. Gave me the medicine etc, the usual.
I confronted that girl and she said she doesn't have herpes. I kinda trusted her since we had a small thing going on.. it wasn't a one time thing. We had intercourse 2 times, first time the condom broke then second time didn't use a condom at all. (I know, that was stupid but heck.. I'm not special, lots of people do it and some have consequences from it others don't.) What I've had around my penis it definitely looked like herpes! Small red dots all over the tip, small itching, pain in left thigh, flu-like symptoms etc.
I was never tested for it since within days of taking the medicine it went away and I since it went away, the medicine probably did its job... and at that particular time I was like, meh, f*ck it, it happened, now lets focus on the future. The reason I never tested is because ever since, half a year or so, my penis is perfectly fine and I've never had any outbreaks whatsoever. The reason I am 100% sure it's not herpes, it's because a good friend of mine(in his late 30s), told me same thing happened to him. I described the symptoms to him and he couldn't believe it.. basically it looked like it rained with small red dots all over. He told me it's not herpes but a yeast infection. He said he had a girl who liked to have multiple partners and after the intercourse the next day he had the yeast infection. He knows that for certain because he's seen an urologist and that guy definitely looked like he knew his stuff. And indeed, it was an yeast infection (for him.) That's why after I showed him some similar pictures he said it's an yeast infection.
Therefore, I can conclude it's not herpes that I have.
Now the symptoms.. oh boy. I've had all the symptoms you can imagine. I mean, all of them. Some of them might be due to stress(will explain later) some might be due to something I definitely have. (which personally I think it's HIV.)
After about a month and a half, I started experiencing all these symptoms, not all at once but followed one after another. I've never had a strong fever and cold but I did have small fever, cold, sneezing a lot etc. One of my main symptoms is my stomach noises. When I had that first symptom, I started thinking about HIV. This whole post is about what I think, HIV. At this point I think I have HIV. I am here to seek your help and opinions and tell me what you guys think. Am I crazy or am I not?
My story has lots of details and I'd be writting a book if I had to list them all here. But basically my last test was back in May, 84th day and I tested negative. (tested negative on everything else). However, I believe the girl had HIV and I have my reasons. I am aware that would be a crime if she didn't tell me so I'm hoping maybe she doesn't have ..but all the reasons I see , make me believe I do have it.
I am no longer in contact with the girl therefore I can't talk or ask her again. (Will post some of our conversations below to see for yourself what she had to say, although I never asked her about HIV since I didn't want to scare her.)
I have been to a bunch of doctors and they all told me I don't have HIV and my stress is causing my health issues plus on top of that I used to do juicing and I wasn't doing it properly. One day I was eating good, juicing, then next day I'd eat something bad. One day I'd fast then next I'd eat a lot etc. I also lost like 50 pounds back when I was 17, I used to be around 200 pounds and went down to 148 then back up to 160( the reason I went so far is because I found it how easy it is to lose weight, I was doing intermittent fasting and it worked like a dream!) My body NEVER had any issues before! Even after losing so much weight, I actually felt damn better. So I don't want to blame it on my eating habits since my body could handle anything. Basically my friend and all the doctors say the stress and the sudden change on my body with my juicing and eating habits messed with my system therefore the symptoms bla bla bla. I don't believe it although I might be wrong.
Ever since I've been with that girl I had nothing but problems and I am going crazy. I kept telling myself I have HIV each time I had a test done. I've had like 4 HIV tests within a period of 3 months. All negative but the symptoms would get worse or have A NEW symptom each time I thought about HIV or read about its symptoms. So I'd read about it online then within few days I'd have it happen to me. At this point I want to go get tested but I live in Washington State and I can't find anything for free. I still live with my parents and for me to pay 150$ at Planned Parenthood is too much, hell even 100$ is too much. I don't have a permanent job, I work from a computer and I do graphic design and sites and stuff like that. Freelancer I guess you can call me.
I used to live in another state where they had HIV done for free(Louisiana). I also don't have insurance so at the moment it's hard for me to just go and get tested or ask for money from my parents. Although I will probably go eventually because I can't anymore. One day I feel good, then next day I don't feel good.
I've had some small diarrhea in the past, green stools although this could be attributed to jucing. I have constant migraines. Back this spring I had flu-like symptoms, headaches etc. etc. Also since back in April, when I started getting my stomach noises, I have bad acid reflux. It comes and goes. I have never vomited. I have had white gums (somewhere in May and when I read about the white gums and HIV I instantly said ok, it's HIV, I'll get tested and it will be positive.) Well I was wrong it was still negative.
I've also had yellow spots around my legs but my dermatologist said those are bruises... but giving the fact that I was so paranoid, I said ok, it's not HIV but Hep C. For a few days I thought I have Hep C. Then after the bruises went away, my thoughts went back to HIV.
At this point I don't know what to think. I know I have to get tested one more time since the 6 month period for HIV and all that stuff.
But, I hope I don't sound crazy. My symptoms are real as they get and at this point they are not like in the past but the only thing I still get is the bad acid reflux with mild migraines. I also have a feeling of..... can't explain it. Just feel ill. Like sometimes I have something in my muscle. or blood. or stomach. I feel like everything is coming from my stomach. It all starts with the acid reflux and the mild migraines and just a feeling I can't describe with words... which is why most doctors told me it's stress..
Sure, my stress is crazy, maybe I indeed messed my stomach up and my whole system but.. shouldn't I get better? Should all these symptoms go away with time?
The ONLY thing that helps me is marijuana. I don't smoke it everyday but at least once a week I try to. Sometimes even 3-4 days in a row and all my symptoms go away. I won't stop smoking it because for me it does nothing but help me.
I also get all kinds of weird hives or bumps around my body. Although this can be attributed to the fact that I eat bad at the moment, lots of chocolate and fast food and I used to have perfect skin in the past and sometimes get weird hives/pimples and wouldn't care at all, I would actually scratch them or pop then put some alcohol and whin days my skin would be clear again (thanks to my mom for perfect skin.) However, now that I think I have HIV, every thing that happens to my body I blame it on HIV..
I have a lot more to say but I already made this too long. I will add in details along the way. So.. please tell me what you think. Don't be nice to me and try to make me feel good, at this point I don't care if it's HIV or not. I just want to get better and find out what the hell is wrong with me.
Below are some screenshots of my conversation with the girl I had intercourse with. Please all look at them and tell me what you think her words mean. I did a lot of research and one thing I can say is that she hides a lot of stuff and there are things she didn't tell me. But see for yourself and help me with some opinions. I can't talk with my parents yet because they have TOO MUCH stuff on their minds and our family has a lot of problems and I don't want my mom to break down. I'm not scared of HIV more than I am scared of seeing my mom cry.
The reason I am attaching these images is also because right after me she went with some old dude and they were dating... like that was unexpected and that would never happen over night. People don't just have intercourse with someone then next day have a boyfriend they just met like two hours ago. I'm assuming she cheated on him because eventually she ended up blocking me and blocking my cell as well. Well not assuming but she did indeed cheat on him.
This might be a rant for me to just blow some steam, but I’m almost 3 months in and exhausted of everything. I still don’t know if I have this damn virus or not since I apparently was in the false positive range when I was tested in August and now the only place I can go to at the moment is a hospital since I have some financial help from them due to not having health insurance. All of the specialists like urology, infectious disease that I have to wait a month in between to see keep brushing me off and dismissing my request for a 2nd std panel now that it’s been 8 weeks. I keep getting UTI’s and have yet to come across a guy on this site that mentions anything similar to my problem. My urethral meatus is scaring the shit out of me because it keeps getting red and then less red and looks abnormal as hell now. I can’t even fucking masturbate anymore without it hurting in the end or having some sort of consequence the next day. How the hell can HSV even cause anything like that?! 3 months in and I still can’t get anyone to help me get back to having the normal life I should have and no doctor wants to diagnose me with an actual problem despite me having all these crazy ass gastrointestinal, urinary, respiratory, and even cardiovascular symptoms. I have always been a healthy individual with almost 0 health problems and I can’t even wake up every morning without urinary problems or feeling like complete shit. Being diagnosed with this paleolithic virus and at the same time getting all this crap is making me physically and mentally unstable. I’ve never in my life ever had thoughts of just disappearing completely or harming myself to end all this until now, but this is ridiculous. If this is HSV’s doing then I don’t know what damn strain I must’ve gotten to be dealing with all this. I’ve been tested for HIV as well as the person I was with and both results were negative. None of this makes any sense!
Hey, I’m new here, diagnosed in 2013 with HSV I get both oral and genital outbreaks (I think I have HSV1, I have oral outbreaks more than genital). I’ve been on Valacyclovir for the past two years. Haven’t really had any long term serious sexual relationships since my partner who gave it to me. After being mostly single for 2 years, I’m dating someone who could possibly be something long term. I’ve already disclosed, he was supportive and did some of his own research afterward.
Now that we’ve started having sex I’ve been so anxious about passing it to him. I’m on anti-virals, but I keep getting I’m worried that I’ll miss an outbreak cause my genital outbreaks have never been all that severe. Like “is that just a zit or herpes” or “My vulva itches a bit” level. I just keep worrying that if I don’t know my body enough I can’t protect him from something that causes me so much stress and anxiety. Without antivirals, if I had a stressful day, you could almost guarantee I would have a cold sore the next day. (I have anxiety disorder as well so that doesn’t help much either :P).
Looking for support because It’s been hard for me to fall asleep on the nights we’ve had sex and its messing with my self-confidence. I know that a lot of my stress is coming from the negative internal monologue I was telling myself for years. I like to think that I’ve gotten past that but it seems to be bubbling up again.
How have you dealt with your negative internal monologue surrounding genital herpes? I always thought I could never have a fulfilling sex life, and this man is proving me so wrong. I don't want to be anxious about my herpes because I've finally found someone who is so awesome.
Thanks for listening
Just need a quick rant- isn't it weird that this subject is so hard to talk to people about ? My partner went away for work on 13th march for four weeks. Lo and behold the week before he went I had an ob- miss him so much-can't sleep and worried about him because its dangerous where he is. This week I've had another ob or maybe the other just hadn't cleared? He's due back Friday which I'm so excited about but today my son and his fiancé have decided to postpone their July 29th wedding and he's moved home for a few days. Needless to say my stress levels are sky high which I know won't help me heal. Feel so so down
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