Newly Diagnosed with HSV1 Genitally...??

[Siobhan]

Well... I started dating my best friend of a year and a half a few months ago, and I have now been diagnosed with HSV1 after a horrible genital outbreak. It went on for weeks and it seems almost gone. No more scabs though I do have some reddened skin. A couple weeks after my bf and I started being intimate I had a full STD screening done including herpes blood tests and a swab test on a small pimple on my buttocks. Everything came back negative at that time. However I shaved down there about a month later and the outbreak and infection began. I saw 7 doctors, most of whom at first believed it was a staph infection, but finally the diagnosis was confirmed by both swab and blood test. Type 1. I am planning on Valtrex for maintenance after I am finished with the rest of my acyclovir. I asked my bf if he has ever had a cold sore and he said once. I never ever knew one could get genital herpes from oral sex with someone with no symptom of a cold sore! It infuriates me that there is so little education on this virus. I am a researcher and I like information, but I didn't know, and I think this information ought to be more readily accessible in schools and doctors' offices!

Anyway, my boyfriend has chosen to stay with me after an initial withdrawal, and in some ways this is increasing our intimacy on an emotional level which is amazing. But whenever we kiss and cuddle and things become more heated, I can feel his reluctance to even touch me through clothes anywhere down there. He went in to his doctor and his HSV tests are pending, but we both know it won't really tell us much other than rule out type 2 in him. We know he has oral type 1. What is sad is not knowing if he has genital infection. He says he has never had a genital outbreak but people mistake symptoms for ingrown hairs and other things of course.

I am so confused. I have never had a cold sore so I may not have it orally. But if he and I kiss, I can get oral. He loves blowjobs and right now that's all we are really doing. But if he has genital type 1, I could get it orally from that. Conversely, if he gives me type 1 by kissing and I give him oral, I could give it to him genitally anyway. It's just such a mess. Though we have not been together long we have been close friends for a long time and I can see a long term thing here. I am not as freaked about getting a cold sore. But he is definitely worried about getting it genitally. I don't blame him, but I figure he can't have it both ways and want unprotected blowjobs and not take any risk of genital infection from my mouth if I get it orally from him.

So... Is oral with dental dams and/or condoms the only reasonable option besides giving up oral sex? It seems with 80% of the population having oral HSV1 herpes, there would be a lot more genital herpes type 1 infections. Then again, here I am as an example of it happening. I just don't know if the risk is worth it. I love him dearly and I would be in agony if he got genital symptoms and I could have been the cause, even though I (most likely) got HSV1 from some region of him.

My other question is... He is considering having sex with me again but we want to be certain to be as safe as possible. Condoms of course, but how long to wait? My scabs are gone but being a fair skinned redhead, my skin is sensitive and something like a bug bite will stay red for weeks and weeks. The skin in the outbreak area is smooth but still reddened. It has been a month since the OB started and a week since it felt healed. Should we wait months and see if any scarring or residual redness goes away before we have protected sex?

Sorry for the long post... Thanks for reading and for your response. I truly want to do all I can to protect my boyfriend and be responsible. This breaks my heart because I am in my 30's, finally escaped a sexless marriage and I find an amazing lover in my best friend and... Now I can't have protected or unprotected sex without risking my partner. I guess I may need some more time to adjust...

[supermad]

I was just recently diagnosed with genital HSV-1 as well, and I am a doctor (as is my partner). We really were quite ignorant about the whole thing, and sadly, so was the ob-gyn I saw for my diagnosis-our infectious disease lectures do little to explain exactly how to deal with this diagnosis. I also am incredibly frustrated and angry with the lack of answers out there. I have exactly the same questions as you...the bj thing especially, b/c that is how he likes to be finished off, and I am afraid that it will increase both my risk of getting oral, or his risk of getting genital.

Most people note that condoms are helpful, but not a sure thing because the virus can spread outside the confines of the rubber. So, even if you have sex with a condom, that isn't going to be a sure way for him to avoid a genital outbreak. I have read that most of the time, where the initial lesion lands, is where it recurs, so if he has oral outbreaks and you have genital outbreaks, then you can hope they stay where they are and not exchange places.

Its a no win situation. I think the best you can do is use common sense. Condoms will protect his penis only, not any other part of his anatomy, and using them will protect your mouth, only if your lips go no where else but where the rubber is. If you do use them for oral sex get a flavored variety and no spermicide/lube, because they have the worst taste! Dental dams will work if he wants to go down on you, but if he already has oral cold sores, think about that...clearly he won't go down on you during an OB, but otherwise? That is your choice. As for intercourse, the same applies, his penis will be protected but not his scrotum or surrounding skin. I think the "right" time to have sex again is individual. If it hurts, don't do it. Use lots of lube to decrease the risk of micro tears, and avoid it when you have an OB.

I am trying very hard to find a balance between maintaining the spontaneous loving relationship my bf and I had for almost two years, and using common sense. I am in my 30's too and love being in a sexually charged relationship. It sounds like your bf is as supportive as mine, so we are VERY lucky. There aren't right or wrong answers, I think its just what is best for you both in the relationship. The advice my ob-gyn gave me when he told me the diagnosis was to do my best to live exactly how I had been living, and love exactly the way I had been. He said trying to out-guess the virus would make me nuts and put a huge strain on my relationship, and he said, you probably have it both places anyway, so just try to keep enjoying yourself.

That is impossible to actually do, but I think in some ways he is right. It seems like there are other people on this board who have partners with dissimilar symptoms and they are doing whatever they want to do and dealing when they have to. I would like to hear their experiences.

Good luck.