long distance relationship disclosure

[sparkle]

Hi,

I am brand new to the forum, but you all seem so nice and supportive, I decided to join, seeking help with my current predicament.

I am in a new long distance relationship, meaning two different countries separated by a vast ocean. We met over the summer and had a sex fling for 2 months (with and without protection). Eventually, the sexual relationship turned into love. He went back home to his country across the world, and now we are in intense long distance love. We are crazy for each other, speak every day, and have pretty open communication about everything else, including plans to live in the same country to be together, marriage, babies, etc (testing the waters!). We are adults and this could easily happen.

I didn't tell him about the herpes initially because:

A. Herpes is not always at the top of my head. I have had it for 8 years and although some years I have frequent outbreaks, I went the first 4 years with just the initial outbreak.

B. I thought it was just going to be a fling until the sex turned to love, and I didn't think I needed to tell him if I was almost certain he wouldn't be infected and we may never see each other again.

So, I am going to visit him in his far away country in a month, staying for two weeks. We are always talking about how much sex we are going to have when I get over there, how much fun, how great it will be... I need to tell him I have herpes as soon as possible. Do I tell him over the phone before I get there, or do I tell him right away when I am there?

The phone seems like such an impersonal option, but is it better to get it over with before I am physically with him? I honestly don't think it will affect the way he feels about me (I hope!!! Plus my ticket is non-refundable, j/k, haha!), but I want to be as respectful and honest as possible, since I already had unprotected sex with him.

Any advice appreciated. Thanks!!

Sparkle xo

[bluefrog]

First, you should have told him before you had sex with him. NOW, you must tell him before you even visit him.

[Demosthenes]

Wow. This is really a tricky situation. I have to tell you, if i were this guy, i would NOT be pleased. Sort of an understatement. Those of us who have had this disease for many years realize that the physical effects can be almost nil. We know that the real fear that most people have is the stigma at play. But still, this is a potentially life changing disease. My diagnosis was more traumatic than i care to attempt to recount here. I was devastated - at least partly because the nurse who did the diagnosis was cold-hearted and treated me like i was some kind of man-whore, despite the fact that i had been as safe as someone can be. But regardless of how it is diagnosed, there are life-long emotional issues tied to this virus.

How do you think he's going to feel when you tell him you were putting him at risk without his knowledge? You didn't even give him a choice. You were forcing him to make a possible life long commitment (in the form of dealing with H) in return for what commitment from you? You thought it was just a fling!

Maybe he cares about you enough to overlook this. But understand that this is HUGE violation of trust. You know him better than the rest of us. And you know yourself better than the rest of us. How are you going to feel when you fly to see him, tell him, and he tells you to get lost and never speak to him again?

I'm sorry if i'm coming across as rude. I really don't mean to be. But if someone slept with me, knowing that they were putting me at risk (unprotected, even!), and refused to tell me because they thought they might just ditch me anyway - christ, i would be hurt and furious, and i would likely not trust that person again.

You made a very poor decision. If i were you, i might prefer to talk to him in person. But you better go into that conversation knowing that he may not want to have anything to do with you after that. Try to see it from his perspective, and plan to say things accordingly. A good way to start would be "Look. I've made a terrible mistake. I really care about you, and i realize now that i've done something that might be unforgivable. I understand if you never want to speak to me again..."

Good luck.