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Scubagirl0325

A new issue

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Scubagirl0325

Hi everyone.

My boyfriend told me for the first time this weekend that he is absolutely head over heels in love with me. He knows all about the Herpes thing and totally disregards it as an insignificant problem for our relationship. I couldn't be happier. This is the first guy I have ever dated that I can see myself with long term.

Next problem...he wants to have sex without a condom. He says he wants to be as intimate with me as possible. I'm worried about giving him this. I'm on valtrex daily and the bumps I kept complaining about, turns out they weren't herpes related at all and just a skin irritation (yes, I spent a week being depressed about nothing) so, I have only had one minor OB (2 closed slightly itchy bumps). So anyway, I was just wondering if other people have run into this. I don't want to use condoms either, but I think my fear of giving him something is overpowering that want. Talk about being haunted by your past forever....

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Caliope

I think that people overestimate this virus and its potential to hold us hostage. You are living with this and he observes how it effects you. He can see that it hasn't ruined your life. I'd trust that he knows what he wants.

If he is aware of the fact that he could get hsv and that there is no cure and he is okay with this then why should you restrict yourself from enjoying sex without condoms. I hope that you don't let your fear of the unknown stop you from enjoying what you have.

Congratulations!

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Omaha80

Agreed.

My bf has been wanting sex forever and I've held back, in large part because I am so afraid of giving it to him.

We had sex this weekend, unprotected, and it has brought us much closer. There is so much to be said for the physical part of a relationship; it should never be the foundation of it or define it, but there is no denying its importance.

Having had progressively more in-depth conversations about it, he is very educated about the virus and knows his risks and can see, from my own experience, that it does not have much of an impact on my life - at all.

I am lucky to have met someone like this - the first person to know I I had herpes. I also realize that he is a big boy. If, after knowing all the risks and being told constantly how nervous I am giving it to him and he not only is ok with having sex, he CONSTANTLY WANTS IT... I would be a fool to hold back.

My advice is to make sure everything is on the table and then, if your partner is still making every effort to be with you, don't shut him/her out. People like this do not come around that often; I'm lucky to have fallen in love with this guy. And, through it all, it's clear that those who truly do care about you, who truly love you, will see past the virus and may even be willing to risk their own health to be with you. If you love your man back, hold on to him.

Good luck! :)

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Anon

I am still having sex with my bf and I have been infected since Nov 06. He is still fine. We even had sex when I still had a "small cut" at his insistence. We used a condom them though.

Anyway, I think with type 1 as long as he has lots of antibodies and he washes with soap and water afterwards- you are fine.

I have what you have, prob worse, and my bf is totally fine! I would only worry if I was having sex with someone new, who maybe didnt hsv1 antibodies. My Drs tell me it is really hard to give someone the same type of herpes they already have. He would have to have an open cut or raw skin and you would have to have an open cut and/or be shedding the virus. Even then, there would have to be enough virions to cause a latent infection in the spine.

I would never put anyone at risk though and if I ended up divorced in the future, I would make sure all future partners had hsv1 somewhere before being intimate.

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MsLucy

I have to agree wholeheartedly with Caliope and all those who don't let HSV control their lives. As long as all the facts are on table, and both parties agree, there's no reason to shy away from what could be a wonderful experience for both of you. Enjoy!

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isldgrl

totally opposite situation w/ me...

The guy I was seeing had an outbreak and tested positive on both fronts. I tested positive for antibodies but have no OB symptoms that I know of...he's pushed away from me even though he believes he contracted from someone else. I'm of the opinion that we both know and that should be of some solace and shouldn't interfere.......but he won't communicate w/ me at all. So here I sit.......wondering.......

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Scubagirl0325

Thank you everyone for your responses! Me and the bf had another conversation about this today. He is coming this upcoming weekend and he still does not want to use condoms. I told him that I want him to realize what he is doing, know that if he contracts this, it is permanent and he will have it forever, there is no cure. I must have said this 3 or 4 times throughout the conversation and he still hasn't changed his mind. How is it that I am more nervous than he is? He just tells me that he loves me and wants to be as intimate as he can with me. I think I have found a keeper, eh????

I'm feeling better knowing I am on Valtrex everyday. I take it religiously. I also found a perfect vitamin! It combines Lysine, olive leaf and astragalus into one capsule! I have read so many horror stories on this forum about people being rejected for having this, I can't help but thank the Lord above that I am so lucky. I would almost say it is more painful emotionally than anything else having this virus. You find someone you love and all you want is to be pure and beautiful for them, not scared to give them pain, ya know?

Isldgrl, I am so sorry you are going through this. Keep your chin up, it will get better. Maybe giving him a little space to let him sort through things in his head would help. It took me about a month to somewhat come to terms with this whole situation. I still hate it and or weeks I have been absolutely depressed, I am finally starting to feel like myself again. I hope things get better for you and if you ever need to chat, I'm here!

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Scubagirl0325

One more question....Could an uninfected partner take suppressive therapy to keep from contracting the virus? Does it even work that way?

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Caliope

scubagirl0325- If the guy loves you and wants to continue the relationship and not use condoms then I think you should respect his decision. Unless you think you should use condoms to protect yourself from contracting something else from him. No I do not think that antivirals will keep him from contracting hsv. His immune system, if it is really strong, could do this though. Antivirals keep viruses from replicating and reproducing they do not kill them or keep them from invading human cells. I think you should go for it and be ecstatically happy if you can.

I've been wanting to make a general statement for a while to everyone and suspect I'll get slammed for this opinion but here goes.

Most people do not have severe and frequent ob's. Most people do not have life-long issues about hsv. Most people have one minor ob and that is it. The rest is a minor nuisance to them and does not ruin their lives. I think many people on this forum are making this into something way bigger than it actually is.

This is not to say that you should not be educated and inform your partners. Rather you should consider that not everyone has the same experience and contracting this may be very minor for many people. A high percentage of the population who has this virus doesn't even know it because it is so minor. Men seem to have considerably less symptoms than women in general.

Further I think it is ludicrous to be overly concerned about re-infecting the partner who infected you. If your partner has hsv and so do you- what are you so worried about? Take precautions during ob's because it cuts down on discomfort but by all means be normal - love your partner - enjoy being alive. Once your body has developed antibodies you do not need to worry so much about re-infecting yourself because your immune system can deal with it immediately.

If your partner had hsv when you met them and they didn't know it the chances are that they still conduct their personal lives the same way they did with previous partners. If they perform oral sex on you they probably performed oral sex on their previous partner and vice-versa and this would mean that they've probably been exposed orally and genitally. Just because you got hsv from his coldsore and he's never had a genital ob does not mean he doesn't have asymptomatic shedding somewhere else on his body.

We come across viruses every day of our lives and most of them are not major issues such as the common cold. In fact I would bet that more people die from the common cold than will ever die from hsv and we don't freak out about shaking hands with or hugging someone who has a cold.

I'd like to see less paranoia and more happy people with positive outlooks on all the wonderful things life has to offer.

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Eresh

No slamming from me Caliope :)

Even for those of us who have painful and recurrent OBs, it will eventually get better and it is manageable. Plus you know what they say about having a positive mental attitude and the wonders it will do for your body...

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isldgrl

Totally agree.......

with Caliope...and thanks for your comments Scubagirl! I think it's shocking to most people at first because they're not aware of the amount of people that have been exposed to this virus and also because somebody, somewhere made hsv2 into something to be ashamed of...at times it disgusts me that people react in such a negative way. You don't see anyone freaking out over cold sores..myself included. I've had them most of my life and always avoid kissing someone or having oral sex when I have an outbreak. People notice the sore on my lip and don't give it another thought...but tell 'em you have it genitally and the freak out begins! Even the commercials on tv crack me up....we're seeing more and more for valtrex and there's a reason for it people! Yet, any abreve commercial you see never mentions herpes (always a cold sore). If people were more open about it, the taboo would disappear! That's what I like about forums like this...it helped me when I was feeling like there was nowhere to turn for information. I think the more educated people are about this virus and use that education to ease their fears, the more empowered they will become which only makes you stronger which only helps fighting any kind of infection that hits your body. It's all about the way you approach any problem...if you come into it feeling like all is lost, most likely it will be lost...that whole law of attraction thing, ya know? I've been more upset w/ the way my guy is dealing with it (and me) than the fact that I've been exposed. I don't think it should change anything between us but he has other ideas (or past baggage to deal w/ I suspect). I'm glad you made the statement...it needed to be said:D

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MsLucy

Thank you, Caliope, for expressing what I believe a lot of us have been thinking but were hesitant to say. There is too much fear and paranoia associated with this thing, and too much of it is generated right here. Life is too important and love is too precious to allow something like HSV to ruin it. I agree with you 100%.

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alwall0828

Hello everyone. I have had HSv since 2003, I found out that I had got it then was with my soon to be ex husband. I have been blessed that who I have been with have been very understanding.

My thoughts are this....

1. Tell someone right from the start, they have the right to know what they could receive from you.

2. If this person runs, says anything bad, then they weren't worth your time in the first place. Imagine how quick they would run if money got bad, or you came up pregnant. Who's to say they are good enough to stay for that. (something to think about)

3. If he wants to have unprotected sex then he knows what he is exposing himself to. If he loves you enough to want to do this then I say do it. As long as you are still keeping up with your body and what it is doing and inform him the minute you even suspect something might be rearing its head.

4. With my boyfriend and casual friends I have learned that more people have it than I would ever think. Like my best friend said I mean come on now they have commercials about it now.

I do worry, and if he gets a heat rash I panic that he contracted HSV, but that is something we are both willing to live with. He has cold sores from his ex wife and I have genital.

Okay I'll stop rambling now.

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