BriAmazed

Should I tell him ?

10 posts in this topic

If I'm just having casual sex with someone should I disclose ? My thoughts are if he doesn't ask I don't tell. If he doesn't ask then that let's me know he accepts the risk of contracting an STD. He can't just assume that I don't have anything, that would be sort of naive of him. I've thought long and hard about this. I'm sure the guy I was with knew he had it but never told me. I just don't think this is fair at all because I was never given a choice... and I was only 18 and just had lost my virginity. I don't know what to do or who else to ask...:/

mw_1234 likes this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

But you also said you wished you'd been given a choice, correct? Have you asked him about his status and whether or not he has any STDs?  How would you feel if you contracted another STD from him? Just some food for thought. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

If you know you have it. Disclose, you have no right to take someone's life choices away. Just my opinion. If you had it done to you I'm sorry to hear. But you be the better person and give someone the choice, then again... He might already have it and not tell you.

Newtothisandscared and valleynovascotia like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Why dont you want to disclose?  When i found out i had hav i had to trll someone i had been having sex with. He went off at me... long story short... i said you werent worried about stds when you were having sex....he said i trusted you were clean

If this guy is regular give him the choice. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah i wish i was given the choice at least your contemplating on it though the girl I caught it from had no care in the world.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

YES! Please tell him. 

I really can't wrap my head around how someone would intentionally not disclose whether or not you're using protection and whether or not it is casual. 

Just think of what could happen if you don't disclose and he does contract it and for some reason he doesn't show symptoms and now he's transmitting it to other women unknowingly. Think of how you felt when you found out you were positive....do you really want other women to feel that way?

My boyfriends ex gave it to him and didn't disclose and he never had symptoms so we never knew and therefore weren't taking precautions. There's not a day that goes by that I don't consider reaching out to her current boyfriend to "warn" him and I know that makes me sound a tad crazy, but  what's to say some women won't come back and track you down? I've also heard it's illegal to knowingly put someone at risk of contracting an STD. I just don't think anything good comes of not disclosing plus I have a feeling these things come back to you one way or another. Also, a lot of members on this site talk about the stigma and by not telling him I think you're just adding to it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
9 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

He can't just assume that I don't have anything, that would be sort of naive of him.

 

9 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I'm sure the guy I was with knew he had it but never told me.

 

9 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I just don't think this is fair at all because I was never given a choice...

 

9 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

My thoughts are if he doesn't ask I don't tell.


You're right in thinking that your partner should know better than to just assume that you don't have HSV. However, think back to your other posts, where you described what you went through and how you don't think you could handle the guilt of passing it to somebody else.

If your moral compass still tells you that this - not telling if he doesn't ask - is the way to go, then go for it. Just know that in doing so, you are likely doing the same thing to your partner that the person who infected you did to you. You were never given a choice and now you're thinking of not giving your partner a choice.

 

BriAmazed and LilyMae like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi @BriAmazed. I'm glad you've asked this question. It's important to remember that a sexual relationship with another person is not a right but an incredible privilege. And I believe that it is important to behave in a way that makes us worthy of that privilege. And for me, being honest about who I am and what my hsv status is, is part of that. I expect the same from my partners.

One of the things about hsv is that it gives you a framework of how to think about how you decide to conduct your sexual life. This definately includes how you decide who to include in your partners. Being able to have a frank and honest two way conversation about sex and practicality and expectations with the other person will always serve both of you well. I think you should maybe consider whether a sexual relationship with a person who you don't want to do this with is something you really want to engage in.

There could be lots of reasons you are reluctant to talk to this person about something as personal as hsv. Maybe you don't trust them to behave decently towards you if they learn your status. Maybe you don't trust them to keep your privacy. Maybe you're just embarrassed. Maybe you're not interested enough in them as a human being to reveal something so personal. Maybe you don't care enough about their personal self determination to take the time to have the talk. Maybe you're afraid they will reject you because of your status. Maybe you're afraid of the thousand other things about disclosure that we all find nerve wracking. It's always a little hard. 

I think you will be glad if you take a good long look at why you don't want to tell this person about your hsv status and use that as your map for how to proceed. I also urge you to remember that while you are correct that it is nieve for him to assume that you don't have any sti's, it is also nieve for you to assume that he doesn't have any. And for that matter for him to assume that he doesn't have any unless he's been thoroughly tested since his last partner is nieve. And hsv can make us more vurnerable to contracting further sti's.

Even in a casual sexual relationship trust is important. It seems like there are some potential trust issues here to iron out before you proceed. No one can tell you how to live your life. But there are consequences for our actions. Even if it is just how we feel about ourselves.

realscience77 and KeepThriving like this

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
On 16/02/2017 at 3:02 AM, BriAmazed said:

If I'm just having casual sex with someone should I disclose ? My thoughts are if he doesn't ask I don't tell. If he doesn't ask then that let's me know he accepts the risk of contracting an STD. He can't just assume that I don't have anything, that would be sort of naive of him. I've thought long and hard about this. I'm sure the guy I was with knew he had it but never told me. I just don't think this is fair at all because I was never given a choice... and I was only 18 and just had lost my virginity. I don't know what to do or who else to ask...:/

While I can understand a persons reluctance to disclose, your rationale sounds very selfish here, and I personally think it is always pertinent to disclose.

I won't even go into how frustrating your comments on 'his naiveté' are....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you have a duty to disclose.  Nobody can make you do it, though.  I have done many terrible things in this life so who am I to judge.  While he should be smarter, I was ignorant at a younger age.  

You make the choice.  Nobody else does.  This is one reason I test.  One reason I insist we go together.  She deserves respect and so do I.  Sex isnt just a pleasurable thing.  It is a trusting, emotional giving of yourself to another.  Giving pleasure and trust to another.  

My hand will do for now....  lol. I trust rosie.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!


Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.


Sign In Now

  • Herpes Dating Web Site

    Guest, would you like to try dating another Herpster in your area?

    Search Now
  • Similar Content

    • anon999
      By anon999
      hey, i'm a 21 year old female and i was diagnosed with hsv1 over a year ago through oral sex, i've only ever had the one initial outbreak and felt completely normal since.
      I have a few questions i'm hoping someone could help me out with, i'm having a hard time finding a clear answer to a few things...
      So, typically i'm having this debate in my head whether or not i should disclose to one night stands because the extremely low risk with my case (i have not had sex since i've been diagnosed btw) I just literally couldn't imagine saying it to someone, especially when i would probably NEVER give it to anyone, and the fact that life now is so like social media driven, i'm way too scared to tell anyone in fear it would get around or something stupid like that... and i'm also scared about if i actually did somehow end up giving it to someone how i would handle being like ooo yeah sorry about that... i just couldn't imagine anyone ever ever being okay with taking the risk, because no matter how you explain the statistics people will just hear std and run lol 
      ok so for my questions..
      1. I kept reading that if someone has had hsv1 orally and i have sex with them because i have hsv1 genitally, they cant catch it due to having built up antibodies, a doctor and a std specialist has also confirmed this to my mother this (but finding this too good to be true sounding, i also found many people saying its not true its just MUCH lower) so i just kinda want a clear answer
      2. if the first one is true, what is the best way to explain to someone that you have it, like the most chill, easy, most unscary way of saying it (like bringing up that its the same as mouth coldsores) idk how to word anything yikes lol 
      3. also everyone on all these forums says to take supressive therapy but i was told by the last doctor i went to towards the beginning of my diagnosis that they dont give them to you unless you have regular outbreaks? does this sound right?
       
      anyway i think thats all for now, thank you
       
    • anon999
      By anon999
      hey, i'm a 21 year old female and i was diagnosed with hsv1 over a year ago through oral sex, i've only ever had the one initial outbreak and felt completely normal since.
      I have a few questions i'm hoping someone could help me out with, i'm having a hard time finding a clear answer to a few things...
      So, typically i'm having this debate in my head whether or not i should disclose to one night stands because the extremely low risk with my case (i have not had sex since i've been diagnosed btw) I just literally couldn't imagine saying it to someone, especially when i would probably NEVER give it to anyone, and the fact that life now is so like social media driven, i'm way too scared to tell anyone in fear it would get around or something stupid like that... and i'm also scared about if i actually did somehow end up giving it to someone how i would handle being like ooo yeah sorry about that... i just couldn't imagine anyone ever ever being okay with taking the risk, because no matter how you explain the statistics people will just hear std and run lol 
      ok so for my questions..
      1. I kept reading that if someone has had hsv1 orally and i have sex with them because i have hsv1 genitally, they cant catch it due to having built up antibodies, a doctor and a std specialist has also confirmed this to my mother this (but finding this too good to be true sounding, i also found many people saying its not true its just MUCH lower) so i just kinda want a clear answer
      2. if the first one is true, what is the best way to explain to someone that you have it, like the most chill, easy, most unscary way of saying it (like bringing up that its the same as mouth coldsores) idk how to word anything yikes lol 
      3. also everyone on all these forums says to take supressive therapy but i was told by the last doctor i went to towards the beginning of my diagnosis that they dont give them to you unless you have regular outbreaks? does this sound right?
       
      anyway i think thats all for now, thank you
       
    • chainondoor
      By chainondoor
      For anyone who has disclosed. (Particularly GHSV1, but all stories are helpful :))
      I feel like, after you disclose, it's never going to be black and white, like yeah I'm okay with it OR no sorry I'm too scared.
      Your partner might be okay with it, but then they might start looking at you differently, treating you differently, become more hesitant. You might become less confident around them. They might be nervous when having sex.
      They might take you off the pedestal. They might picture your genitals differently. They might lust you less. They might look around more.
      They might become less attracted to you sexually...
       
      Can anyone share any insight? 
       
      ps: I have GHSV1 and if it turned out my partner had GHSV2  I'd still go out with him because I really like him. But it might be different the other way around because I am a girl, and he might feel funny about it/see me differently.
    • Michele1920
      By Michele1920
      I tested positive for HSV II about a month ago and have been experiencing highs and lows since. While I try to stay positive about it for the most part, I am reminded constantly of the relationship that was divided because of my diagnosis. I decided to sign up for an online forum today after I had my first disclosure (with a new partner) and it didn't go well. I couldn't decide what the intentions were of a boy I have been texting for about two weeks now when he asked me to stay the night last night. Was he just looking for a one night stand? He told me he wanted a physical relationship but not an ACTUAL dating relationship. I didn't know if I should tell someone something so intimate when I wasn't sure how long he'd stick around. When I got to his apartment the time never seemed right for me to say anything. Would he send me away if he knew? When it was obvious we were going to have sex I asked if he had a condom and he did and we used it. I left this morning feeling so guilty for not saying anything. I then made the mistake of disclosing over text, so I could feel some relief for not telling him before. Even though I explained how I was on medication and he didn't have anything to worry about, he was obviously still very angry. I totally understand why he was; if someone told me in this way I would be too. But this anger is so disheartening. I'm 0 for 2 when it comes to telling someone I really like that I have genital herpes. I guess this is just a long-winded way of asking how and when to disclose. I don't want every disclosure to be like this - where I feel like a terrible person for having such a common disease. Some much needed love and responses would be great. Thanks for reading. 
    • ivantoinette
      By ivantoinette
      Today I told the guy I've been dating that I have HSV-2. I've been dating him for almost 2 months. We'd  kissed before and he'd fingered me, but I never let it get further. I was nervous because he doesn't like to talk AT ALL.
      We were lounging around & I said, "Can we talk about something serious? When is the last time you were checked for STDs?" He said last year & asked me the same. I said "6 months ago, but before that, I found out I got herpes from when my ex cheated on me.
       I wanted to let you know because I respect you and I like you." He joked & said, "So what if you didn't like me." We laughed,  and I asked him if he knew much about it & he said no. I told him that there are different strains of herpes, like cold sores, shingles & even chickenpox , that I don't have outbreaks often, and that I take medicine for it.
      He stopped me and said "It's ok, I like you." We had sex a few hours later lol, but I'm still going to give him more info on it and about transmission rates etc. 
      I feel more confident for if/when I have to have the talk again!