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tina144

Dating with herpes

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tina144

Hi, I am new to this. Iam entering the dating world. I am 19 years old and the men I have been dating are in their early 20's. I don't know how to say it when it gets to that point of intercourse (which it has not yet). Just wondering if any of you have talked to someone you started dating and you thought they wouldn't understand..how do guys take it? Am I alone feeling this way?:confused: Take care everyone

:D

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okokokok

Feel for you

Yeah,

I am a 25 year old male. I just came down with herpes earlier in the week. I'm single and got it after making out and grinding with a chick, evidently no direct skin contact is needed. I've only slept with two people in my life (both long-term relationships), and am struggling mightly with all of this. I can't imagine having to explain to my next partner that I have herpes. It's more the negative stigma that is associated with it. I think the younger the person the more difficult the discussion will be. I had just started dating another girl that is from my old high school, and I broke up with her, I just can't bring myself to talk to her about my herpes; I guess I don't need her going around to everyone I know.

Seriously the worst week of my life; I can understand your fear.

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justagirl
I just came down with herpes earlier in the week. I'm single and got it after making out and grinding with a chick, evidently no direct skin contact is needed.

Wait, grinding as in clothes-on dancing or grinding as in rubbing your genitals against each other without penetration?

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okokokok

The more complete story

This is the first time I have had to rehash this. I had a monogomous relationship for 4 years with my previous g/f and we broke up as she is graduating from college and looking to exlpore. That was quite a bad experience for me; I would have married her on the spot. Fast forward 2 months... I meet a girl, I've had a few beers, she seems nice, we come back to my place and talk eventually get in bed, she keeps on her shirt and boxers (I sleep in boxers) we make out a little heavy petting I go to sleep. 3 days after I felt a little wierd, 7 days after I gets some pain, and at 10 days, no doubt herpies. Not bad, but burns a bit.

I went to get a blood test to ensure it would be negative, I get these results back tomorrow or Friday. My doctor thought that the chances were so low I may have had them previously and they came out "by chance" after 7 days. If it comes back positive (at 12 days) the antibodies shouldn't have been there yet, so I know I had them previously. Then I get to go tell the ex of 4 years that I have herpies and she needs to be tested.

The kicker, the g/f and I had an STD checkup before we started dating, f'ing doctor tested for everything except herpies, and we came up negative.

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Paul2007

Its a pain in the arse! unless you ask them, they check for everything except herpes. I was put in the same position, i gave it to a girl and i had no idea ihad had it even though i had been for a full std check.

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tina144

thanks for understanding! Yea i agree the younger you the harder it is to tell people our age or around our age. People make fun of it and think it is the worst thing in the world when really soo many people have it and we were lucky enough to find out to protect other people. I just wish i could rewind a bit. Im sooo scared to tell a guy..i just think soo negative about it i dont see any positives coming out of the "talk"

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okokokok

I know

Having just found out about this, part of me can't help but think, "I wish I didn't even know about this", maybe if I was asymtamatic my life would have been easier, why am I so unlucky?

Then I remember not to feel bad for myself, keep my head up, and handle my shit like I have my entire life. I can't even imagine telling someone I wanted to be with; you know what my response would have been 2 months ago??? "Not worth the chance, thanks for telling me." So that's how I think anyone I tell would also think. It puts a serious cramp on my life plans.

If you end up telling him let me know how it goes, and how you brought it up. Take care...

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justagirl

Lots of doctor's offices don't test for herpes because it's viewed as a "nuisance virus", from what I've gathered from the calling around I've done. Also, the blood tests aren't cheap for a lab to run. Considering how many people have HSV1 (oral herpes/cold sores) which means that they show up positive for that -- but may not have genital herpes. There's type-specific testing to differentiate between the two, but three guesses how cheap it isn't.

The next point I wanted to make is that if you're having an OB and your doc says it's herpes, why are you having a blood test? The anti-bodies may not have made themselves obvious, but if you have herpes it's not going to be going away any time soon. Just thinking about it from a financial standpoint.

Somehow it's not clicking to me for you have received herpes from a boxers-on adventure. Are you sure you didn't get this from another partner or potentially have skin-on-skin contact? Thats (for the vast majority) how herpes is passed.

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okokokok

"The next point I wanted to make is that if you're having an OB and your doc says it's herpes, why are you having a blood test? The anti-bodies may not have made themselves obvious, but if you have herpes it's not going to be going away any time soon. Just thinking about it from a financial standpoint. "

Zero, skin to skin contact with my genital area directly. I talked to the girl and she is freaked out now as she didn't show any symptoms. Anyways, I got the blood test, it's only $100. The reason I am got the test is to figure out if I had the symptoms earlier or if I did indeed get it from the boxers fiasco. Again, I had sexual contact with one other person over the last 4-5 years and never showed symptoms until right after the boxer night. I figure if I show up positive I can call back the girl from boxer night and tell her all is well, as she didn't give me the infection. Plus my physical signs are very minimal, and at some point I should figure out if it is HSV1 or HSV2.

If it does show up positive after only 12 days that means I was infected earlier and then I have to decide if I tell the ex girlfriend. What are your thoughts?

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justagirl
"The next point I wanted to make is that if you're having an OB and your doc says it's herpes, why are you having a blood test? The anti-bodies may not have made themselves obvious, but if you have herpes it's not going to be going away any time soon. Just thinking about it from a financial standpoint. "

Zero, skin to skin contact with my genital area directly. I talked to the girl and she is freaked out now as she didn't show any symptoms. Anyways, I got the blood test, it's only $100. The reason I am got the test is to figure out if I had the symptoms earlier or if I did indeed get it from the boxers fiasco. Again, I had sexual contact with one other person over the last 4-5 years and never showed symptoms until right after the boxer night. I figure if I show up positive I can call back the girl from boxer night and tell her all is well, as she didn't give me the infection. Plus my physical signs are very minimal, and at some point I should figure out if it is HSV1 or HSV2.

If it does show up positive after only 12 days that means I was infected earlier and then I have to decide if I tell the ex girlfriend. What are your thoughts?

Okay so you're trying to figure out if SHE gave you the genital herpes then, is my understanding as to why you're getting the blood test -- NOT because you doubt you have it. I was a little confused from your post. Either way "boxer girl" should get tested. I really doubt you got it from her without any skin on skin contact, BUT... did you two have oral sex at all? Does she have a history of cold sores? She could have herpes orally and never have had an OB.

If you have herpes, you should probably be calling your ex-gf. Regardless of how you parted, it's a health issue as well as alerting her to the possibility she may have been exposed/infected. There's a chance she gave it to you, if boxers girl is HSV negative and you haven't had sex with anyone else. Not all people experience OB's, as many members here can attest to.

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justagirl

Also, something you should remember about blood tests (I took this from the link about herpes blood test results to your left):

"... after the first exposure to herpes, a person may take several weeks to develop the antibodies that the test looks for. Usually, it takes two weeks to three months after exposure to herpes for antibodies to appear in the blood."

So you may not be able to tell which girl passed you herpes after 12 days. :(

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okokokok

Well it has been about 2 months since I had sex with the ex, plus the odds that she gave it to me in our last few encouters after hundreds previously are fairly low.

I got my test results back and I was HSV1 positive, and HSV2 negative. Meaning if I do have HSV2 I got with another girl while we were both in our boxers! The doctor couldn't do an accurate culture becuase I really don't have much in the way of an outbreak, just a small pimple right under my penis head. He diagnosed me mainly on my symptoms. Burning down my leg, painful pimple, tingling feeling prior to symptoms, etc.

I wasn't sure how I wanted the test results to come back. It's pretty easy to feel sorry for myself if I got genital HSV2 in my boxers, and the timeline works out. Anyhow thanks for all of the help. I have a follow-up with the doctor today and will get screened for other potential possibilities. Thanks for all of the information and support!

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okokokok

We had zero oral sex, she offered and I declined. Again, not a handjob, no skin to skin contact with any part of my genitals.

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kireina

I have never told anyone about my herpes. I've had it for about 6 years. I can't imagine telling a partner at all. I've dated but I always break up with the guys before I feel like I need to tell. I hate that this gets in the way of my life. I've also broken up 2 engagements because I didn't want to tell the guy. It sucks. It especially sucks because now I don't take any medication and never have outbreaks so it's like I have it but I don't, and it's still in the way of a normal relationship. I go on a ton of dates but the second they are into me I just become really busy with work or find something I don't like about them so that I can move on. With so many friends and dates I am still so lonely. I'd love to have at least 1 friend that has herpes. Feels good to vent.

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okokokok

Kireina

Kirenia~

I'm so sorry to hear your story. It hits really close to home for me as I think we all have many of the same feelings and have been afraid to disclose our situation. Your story really scares me as well; I want to have a normal life and get married at some point have kids, the white picket fence and all of that.

Have you told ANYONE you have herpes? I think telling someone you care about can only get easier after you have taken the first leap. You can't let fear of rejection run your life. I also feel like I don't need to tell someone until we are ready to be intimate. I have not told anyone, but I haven't had a need to tell anyone at this point because I haven't been looking at putting anyone at risk.

I can't really tell my family; they have been through a lot lately, and I have always been the safe, responsible son. I too feel like sometimes I just need to vent, this site is good for me... I just feel so silly that I even put myself in this situation, and think over and over again about how such a stupid situation resulted created all of this.

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lilanne19

I found out I have both hsv 1 and 2 on Sept. 4th so I've known for a month. I've been dating this guy since July so I had to tell him that not only do I have it that he may have it as well. I can tell you that I was a total wreck, I was embarrassed and petrified of his response to this. I don't think he gave it to me because I've just remembered back in may I had a bump on my genital area (not painful at all, I thought it was from shaving)and I do remember having the "flu" around that time so it's possible it was presenting itself but then again I don't know if I'm just trying to find symptoms or not. Anyway my point, at first I tried to get him to dump me (being distant, not returning calls and cancelling plans at the last minute). I thought it would be easier if we were no longer dating but then I started to see how my behavior was affecting him and realized that he didn't deserve that. So I decided that since I couldn't tell him verbally (I still can't even say the word herpes but fortunately I can type it :) ) I decided to send him an email. He read it immediately, I was shocked and I couldn't open his reply. He sent his email at 9am and I didn't read it until 9pm (only after he sent me a text to ask me why I hadn't responded). His response was that he was sorry about what I was going through and that he still wanted to be with me. He's been so kind to me that I am literally amazed. So my point is, if you date someone and that person is into you as much as you are to them, it's possible that they will stay. But you owe it to yourself and them to give them the opportunity to decide rather than doing it for them. As much as I adore my current bf (who got tested last friday so we should get his results soon) I know it's possible that I will be on the dating scene again. And while I'm not looking forward to it, telling someone that I have it has to be easier than telling someone I may have infected them. If they don't want to deal with it, I won't take it personally (at least i'll try anyway) and know it's the disease they're rejecting not me. In theory, this will make it easier. I know that this is hard for us, herpes is devastating emotionally. But we have to get back out there, the hardest will be the first but it'll get easier and eventually we will find someone to love us for us and not because we have a skin condition. Just a thought.

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catiesmom
I got my test results back and I was HSV1 positive, and HSV2 negative. Meaning if I do have HSV2 I got with another girl while we were both in our boxers! The doctor couldn't do an accurate culture becuase I really don't have much in the way of an outbreak, just a small pimple right under my penis head. He diagnosed me mainly on my symptoms. Burning down my leg, painful pimple, tingling feeling prior to symptoms, etc.

I wasn't sure how I wanted the test results to come back. It's pretty easy to feel sorry for myself if I got genital HSV2 in my boxers, and the timeline works out. Anyhow thanks for all of the help. I have a follow-up with the doctor today and will get screened for other potential possibilities. Thanks for all of the information and support!

You're getting screened for other possibilities because you think it's not HSV? But you just said you are HSV positive! If you have HSV-1, it doesn't HAVE to appear in your mouth. It's possible you have HSV-1 in your genital area. I'm confused -- you sound like you don't think HSV-1 is causing your OB, but you think it's herpes?

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okokokok

Confusing

Ok,

I'm getting tested for other STD's just to be sure I am healthy and don't have any other major health risks to worry about. As far as the herpies, I think it is important for me to figure out if I have HSV1 or HSV2 so I will go to get re-tested.

To me, knowledge is the power that will help me get through all of this. I need to know more about how I got this, what I can do to protect future partners, and other health risks I might be facing. I might have had HSV1 my entire life and never known, and the anti-bodies from that and not my genital infection is what is causing my HSV1 anti-bodies.

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catiesmom

I see. I'm sorry, i think i'm clear now. I hope you get the answers that will help you deal. :)

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"Hmmm"

How To Find The Courage To Date???

How are any of you just finding the courage to make yourself go out and date at all when you have ongoing challenges with this virus? I have genital version of HSV1, but it only stays in my spine blistering about once a month even though I take anti-virals every day. It causes a terrible amount of pain so I have to take a nerve pain blocking drug 3 tx a day. My life was good before this. I get really depressed and wonder how you find courage to go out and date again, let alone explain what you have to them and how it impacts your life. Help! I need to feel some hope there can be a good relationship after this and courage to go out and try!!!!

"Hmmm"

thanks for understanding! Yea i agree the younger you the harder it is to tell people our age or around our age. People make fun of it and think it is the worst thing in the world when really soo many people have it and we were lucky enough to find out to protect other people. I just wish i could rewind a bit. Im sooo scared to tell a guy..i just think soo negative about it i dont see any positives coming out of the "talk"

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okokokok

Hey Hmm...

Yeah I found out about this a month ago. I'm a relatively young guy and haven't told anyone except my doctor and the girl I thought may have given it to me. I'm sorry you have frequent re-occuring outbreaks, I think the amount of re-occurances goes down for most people over time. I have my first OB, quite the 3 week bitch, as the physical signs are well gone, but I still feel wierd down there.

If I had to deal with this every day I would flip the "F" out. It really hasn't effected my dating at all; I just plan on waiting a lot longer until I put myself in a situation that we could be doing more than just kiss. I haven't really figured out how I am going to broach the whole discussion, but I think I'll know when my relationship is ready.

I know I have a lot to offer, and I figure when I meet the right one the positives I have to offer will outweigh the negatives of herpes. I do think the older the person and the more they are looking to settle down the better the chances you will get a positve response. If someone doesn't want to settle down in the near future they may not want to take the risk of getting herpes and having to tell a future partner in the unlikely event that they are infected while with you, but if they want to settle down they would be more willing to be with you as the telling part is far worse than the virus for most of us.

If you aren't looking to settle down in the near future I would recommend trying to meet someone through online dating that is HSV positive. Herpes will effect your relationships, but this is how I look at it... I've only slept with people I had a long term relationship with. Most of the people I date never get by the kissing stage. If I do get passed the kissing stage and want to get serious with someone then I can bridge the gap; I won't let fear rule my life, fear of other people finding out and fear of rejection are always in the back of all of our minds, but fear can be overcome and we all need to do it if we want to live a long and happy life.

I hope this helps!!! Let me know your thoughts.

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catiesmom

I was going to recommend the same thing -- use an HSV dating site just to get yourself back out there. Even if you don't find your "prince charming", you can at least date without having the "talk" until you're comfortable dating again. Good luck!

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