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Thinking of dating again, but scared


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       I'm new to this site and this is my second post. I thought I'd try to get some advice. It has been since 2014 since I was diagnosed with HSV. I don't know what type I have because it was a visual diagnosis. I don't think I have had an outbreak since then. I also haven't been on any medication for HSV.

          I've been thinking about dating again because I've been feeling so lonely and I want to meet someone. I've been with both men and women, although I know identify myself as being lesbian. I haven't dated/had sex with anyone since I found out I had HSV because I have been too afraid to disclose this information to anyone.  When is the right time to tell someone you have HSV? Should I start taking medication if I'm going to be dating? Is it necessary for me to find out what type I have? I have so many questions and I  feel like this extra obstacle has been stopping me from getting close to people. I'm so tired of being scared and alone, but I'm so afraid of being rejected. Does anyone have any experience or advice on this? Thanks.

Edited by Janie725c
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Hi Janie,

There are many opinions on what the best time would be to disclose, if at all. Since you don't have a definite diagnosis and visual diagnoses are frequently inaccurate, you may want to get a IgG blood test. It also helps to know what type you have, since that can play into the conversation (i.e. most people already have cold sores, which are mostly HSV1). I think the best time to talk about it would be when you're comfortable enough to think about moving on to intimate behaviour. That's the point where you need to find out about one another's sexual history and health. It's not just your HSV that you should be concerned about but rather the big picture that includes any kind of infections that you or your partner may have. There are a lot more dangerous infections that may be in play.

Some people will react better than others to the idea of being exposed to HSV. If you look around the forums, however, you will see that there are many success stories and, since most people already carry one type of HSV or another, your chances are pretty good.

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  • 3 weeks later...

You need to get tested ASAP.  Visual diagnosis is the LEAST accurate way to diagnose someone.  There is a good chance you aren't even a Herpster.

www.anylabtestnow.com will test you for $49

If you haven't had an outbreak since I would definitely get tested.


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Thank you! I just assumed that it was true because I was diagnosed at Planned Parenthood. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up that I'm not, but I guess I have to take a more active role in my health and just get the facts. Thank you both for the information.

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If it does turn out that you do have HSV then in terms of Dating the way I see it is that one it is a two way street because you do need to know their status and also don't assume that someone will reject you because you don't know their own status and you don't know how they feel about it.  It is basically the stigma that lead us to believe that we will be rejected when in fact it is the opposite.  Apparently there is a survey on the UK HV a site that says about 80% accepted someone with herpes.  I have disclosed to two people that I have been sexual with as soon as I was diagnosed and they ran to the hills and then I have dated 3 people and it is not an issue and I have probably told at least four other men and again not an issue.  If you don't put yourself out there through fear of rejection then you will never meet anyone unless you choose to date someone off at herpes dating site

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    • CHT
      Hi "firstimeuser".... let's see what "WilsoinAus" thinks but, for what's it worth, I don't see anything in your picture (or description) that looks like herpes..... it actually looks more like a scrape or follicle issue.... maybe even a bug bite.  Also, by the way, the odds of having HSV2 with an outbreak on your testicles is very low.... that is not a typical spot for an HSV2 outbreak.    Have your doctor take a look and if you want some peace of mind, get an IgG antibody test for HSV2 in about 12 weeks (takes that long for antibodies to develop).... but, again, I don't think you have anything to worry about here.... just not seeing anything herpes-related here.    take care....best of luck.
    • CHT
      Hi Marlena..... since you stated you've had "herpes on the lips" then you likely have oral HSV1, which the majority of adults worldwide have... the fact your results for HSV1/2 are positive (at least I believe that's what your results show - I don't speak Polish but, I think I'm seeing your results are positive based on the attachment you included) may simply be reading the fact that you have HSV1.... the question is whether you've contracted HSV2 in your genital area. Your description of symptoms could possibly be related to HSV but, it's difficult to verify with certainty based on your description. You may also have contracted a different type of sexually transmitted infection (STI) or a simple fungal infection.   Your doctor does not believe what he/she is seeing is HSV but, unless your doctor has experience with HSV, they could easily misdiagnose your condition.  You need full STI testing. Do you have the option to travel to a larger city in Poland where you could get an appointment to be seen by a doctor with more experience with STIs?  You really need to have an experienced doctor take a look and run tests to check specifically for HSV2 as well as other STIs.  If they can rule out HSV2 or other STIs then hopefully they can then determine what is causing the redness, itching, and swollen condition.... again, it may not be HSV2 but, you need proper testing to verify.  Have you talked to your boyfriend about all this?  Has he had any symptoms on his genitals that are suspect?  Has he taken any tests to check for STIs?   I hope you can get more definitive testing so you know what you are dealing with and how best to treat it.  If you have any other questions/concerns, please come back and let us know.... I hope this helps a little.... best of luck.... take care.
    • CHT
      Hey Jeremy.... I know only too well that emotional pain you are feeling.... I really do.... and many of us on this site also know that pain.  It's not so much the physical side of having HSV that hurts, it's the stigma and risk of rejection that stings like hell!  You have to do what you think is right as it relates to when you disclose your HSV status when getting to know someone romantically.... I just think it's best to do it relatively early, and certainly before any sexual activity.   Have you looked into dating sites that cater to those with HSV?  I know others have had some luck with meeting partners on these sites.... you don't have to worry about the "disclosure" talk nor would you obviously have to worry about passing along a virus the other person already has.... take a few minutes and search around and see if it's an option you like. By the way, by taking your daily antiviral med and using a condom, your risk of passing along the virus is down around 1.9%.... pretty good odds that if you stick to your regimen you are very unlikely to transmit the virus....keep that in mind when you meet your next girlfriend and need to have "the talk."  That statistic might help calm any concerns about contracting the virus from you. I hope you don't give up.... as tough as it can be to find the right partner, it's still worth trying.... try to stay optimistic and look into some alternate options and see what happens.... all the best.... take care.
    • FirstTimeUser
      @WilsoInAuswould appreciate your thoughts as have seen you comment quite a bit before!
    • Marlena
      Good morning. My name is Marlena and I come from Poland. Sorry, my English is average. For two years I have been in a relationship with a man, for a year and a half I have been struggling with intimate problems. On average, my intimate condition is getting worse every month. Then I feel itching, redness, swelling around the entrance to the vagina, small blisters (not always). Most often it is only red and swollen, itches and then disappears. This state lasts 3-4 days. I come from a small town, doctors don't know what it is. They say it's 'skin irritation'. They prescribe moisturizing creams with lactic acid, probiotics. It doesn't help. I did a blood test for HSV on my own, which is very expensive in Poland, but it does not separate HSV1 from HSV2. The doctor, when he shows these results, says that it's not herpes, but irritation. I would like to add that in the past I suffered from herpes on the lips, then it was a 'scab'. There has never been a scab in an intimate area. Sometimes there are blisters that last 1-2 days, but not always. So what do high blood test results mean? I would like to add that in Poland people do not talk about the HSV virus. It's just that sometimes someone has it on their lips and that's it. Results translation: IgM HSV 1/2: questionable IgG HSV 1/2: result above the measuring range https://files.fm/f/4cpu7uee4  
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