The problem with hsv dating and support groups

[jreemi]

I got H last summer. It took me several months to reach out for support. Eventually I found this place, which then led me to local groups (FB) in my area.

On the one hand, many of the moderators and admins are nice, positive and throw lots of events. However, I've found that for the most part these groups consists of much older people, many of whom are very jaded. I'm 27 years old and would like to find a girl around my age. Now since it's a fact that far more women have this than men, one would think that a single guy, especially younger, would have a pretty good shot. However, what I've found is a large amount of obese girls, single mothers, or both.

In these facebook HSV groups, where presumably we are all single (as people who get into relationships posts farewell messages and dissappear), I have witnessed some pretty baffling behavior by the women there. One example was last week when a girl around my age, who was of average attractiveness, posted that she hasn't had sex in months and basically wants a "f-buddy". On the one hand I understand being robbed of intimacy for so long, but on the other hand one has to stop and woonder if that kind of behavior is the reason why you're there in the first place. But this wasn't what threw me for a loop; she then began ranting that she was angry that guys were sending her friend requests and messaging her. And I've seen this kind of behavior from numerous girls in these groups; complaining and ranting that guys are messaging them, despite the fact that we are in a hsv dating group and are all in the same small "boat" of people who have this.

You'd think that after getting something like this you'd change your perspective a bit. I understand we're all damaged people now. But it seems as though many guys are completely screwed in this sense. The women get to sit back and have their pick, but simultaneously complain about the attention they receive while attention whoring at the same time. Now how it worked out that way I have no idea. If 10% of guys have this and 30% of women have it, I'm not sure how each group appears to be a sausage fest, and the few desirable women are stuck up beyond belief.

There really are no answers to hsv treatment-wise; valtrex is poorly absorbed by the body and in general sucks. But there are also no solid venues for dating. I've heard nothing but bad things about positive singles and these groups aren't much better.

If you've never been in a local hsv group, you'll be appalled at the enormous egos you run into, the sense of entitlement, and the high school cliques that are going on. This disease we share runs deep. It binds us together more than class. More than race even. What I have seen is nothing short of baffling - I guess I will be single for quite some time, but at least I can sit back and watch the dumpster fire 

[WilsoInAus]

Nought as queer as folk s they say!

What are you hitting is the fact that most people with the virus do not know it or do not care. They go about their lives as normal, date as per normal, disclose on their terms if at all.

My (very personal) view is do not segregate yourself, just play the game of love and life as everyone does.

[jreemi]

7 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

Nought as queer as folk s they say!

What are you hitting is the fact that most people with the virus do not know it or do not care. They go about their lives as normal, date as per normal, disclose on their terms if at all.

My (very personal) view is do not segregate yourself, just play the game of love and life as everyone does.

I disclosed to one girl and while she accepted it at first, things changed after a night of googling. It is very difficult for me to go back into the normal dating pool. I'd like to think there are enough of us to find someone but I guess that's wishful thinking

[WilsoInAus]

Well ironically you will come across more in the broader dating pool. In some regions, age groups and communities - up to 50% o women will have genital HSV-2.

[jreemi]

1 hour ago, WilsoInAus said:

Well ironically you will come across more in the broader dating pool. In some regions, age groups and communities - up to 50% o women will have genital HSV-2.

Yea, older people in the deep south perhaps

[Lisajd]

I chatted with someone off a normal dating site and when I told him I had HSV he said so do a lot of e the girls here.  I belong to a secret Facebook group and one was a female only one and I would have to say there were several of the women there that would just screw around but also there are other women on there who have been screwed around by the guys as well.  It tended to be one guy hitting on 4 or 5 girls and I think the problem with trying to date people on HSV dating sites is that some people tend to think it is an easy job because you don't have to disclose and that some people are desperate for sex

 

From my own experience dating is hard for men and women these days I know a lot of good single women and I know a lot of good single men

[WilsoInAus]

2 hours ago, jreemi said:

Yea, older people in the deep south perhaps

Personally, oh la la!

[LilyMae]

13 hours ago, jreemi said:

Yea, older people in the deep south perhaps

Do you think maybe that's just a little judgemental and offensive? I guess it was meant as a joke. But, still. This is a place where, having been the victims of stigma, we try our best to not buy into unreasonable stigmas and try also not perpetuate them. 

[Disc0rdant]

7 minutes ago, LilyMae said:

Do you think maybe that's just a little judgemental and offensive? I guess it was meant as a joke. But, still. This is a place where, having been the victems of stygma, we try our best to not buy into unreasonable stygmas and try also not perpetuate them. 

Totally meant as a joke.  As I get older, I get less offended.  My son has a really good friend who is black.  His friend calls him "whitey", my son calls his bud "blackey".  They make fun of all the racial sensitive stuff by joking openly about it.  I have 2 friends from AR that have lived together for 8 yrs.  People ask if they are cousins.  Pisses em off every time but they are insensitive to others but very sensitive themselves.  Just funny.

[LilyMae]

9 hours ago, Disc0rdant said:

Totally meant as a joke.  As I get older, I get less offended.  My son has a really good friend who is black.  His friend calls him "whitey", my son calls his bud "blackey".  They make fun of all the racial sensitive stuff by joking openly about it.  I have 2 friends from AR that have lived together for 8 yrs.  People ask if they are cousins.  Pisses em off every time but they are insensitive to others but very sensitive themselves.  Just funny.

I'm not easily offended. Just pointing out that there's a stygma joke here that, just like the herpes jokes we've all heard over and over again, jokes about stigma aren't really that constructive or necessarily well received by the people they victimize.

[Freedom_Realized]

I believe every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow.  Not everyone is going to take their diagnosis and engage in some deep self-reflection about their life and how they live it.  For some, this has caused an extraordinary existential crisis.  A blessing in disguise even.  For others, they will repeat the same patterns or worse and not really analyze the consequences. 

Everyone is different in their reaction to their diagnosis.  I understand where you're coming from.  But, I also believe this can be a lesson about judgment and compassion.  The people you have met are on their own path.  It doesn't have to be yours.  And, it doesn't have to become your new normal.  Maybe you can find more comfort and support with people you have other things in common with.  When you meet the right people, it won't necessarily matter that they don't have H.  They will still have the capacity to empathize.  

Re: your disclosure - I've decided that I am going to prepare a fact sheet for the person I would like to become intimate with.  I want to be prepared with any questions/doubts/stigma that will probably arise.  I've already told the friend I disclosed to about this website.  I think this seems to be best one out there.  I will do the same to the next person I am intimate with.  I have faith that the right person will want to know more before making snap judgments.  The friend I told did his own research and it was great to talk to him about it in a way that he understood beyond the stigma.

I would not knock the HSV dating websites until you've tried it yourself.  I joined for a minute and had a very nice conversation with another member.  We never met in person, because he lives in a different state.  I will probably re-join, but I do have issues with privacy because of my profession.

One of the questions the website asks is what questions you might have for a match/friend. Two questions I posed were, "What has your diagnosis taught you?" and "How have you transformed from your diagnosis?" - so, I think having that out there helped weed out anyone who wasn't searching for something more meaningful.  There are a lot of people on the websites living very full lives.  They are just hoping to find someone to connect with.  You can skip the ones that check the "Casual" box.

I refuse to label myself as "damaged," but that's just me (you mention we're all damaged goods now).  If this has taught me anything, it's taught me to be kinder and more loving to myself most of all.  

You say you met a lot of older people who were jaded.  But, you sound pretty jaded yourself at 27, haha.  Just saying :-)

And, it is possible that you just might need to be single for awhile, as you've said.  Just don't lose hope altogether.  

[Jules31]

On ‎3‎/‎7‎/‎2017 at 6:57 PM, jreemi said:

In these facebook HSV groups, where presumably we are all single (as people who get into relationships posts farewell messages and dissappear), I have witnessed some pretty baffling behavior by the women there. One example was last week when a girl around my age, who was of average attractiveness, posted that she hasn't had sex in months and basically wants a "f-buddy". On the one hand I understand being robbed of intimacy for so long, but on the other hand one has to stop and woonder if that kind of behavior is the reason why you're there in the first place. But this wasn't what threw me for a loop; she then began ranting that she was angry that guys were sending her friend requests and messaging her. And I've seen this kind of behavior from numerous girls in these groups; complaining and ranting that guys are messaging them, despite the fact that we are in a hsv dating group and are all in the same small "boat" of people who have this.

She must be posting in multiple Facebook groups, because that sounds exactly like a post I read last week in a Facebook HSV group that was not specifically for dating. I can't understand why someone would make a post like that and then get upset over guys messaging her.

[jreemi]

28 minutes ago, Jules31 said:

She must be posting in multiple Facebook groups, because that sounds exactly like a post I read last week in a Facebook HSV group that was not specifically for dating. I can't understand why someone would make a post like that and then get upset over guys messaging her.

Yea you know the one...I'm in your state as well

[Disc0rdant]

22 hours ago, LilyMae said:

I'm not easily offended. Just pointing out that there's a stygma joke here that, just like the herpes jokes we've all heard over and over again, jokes about stigma aren't really that constructive or necessarily well received by the people they victimize.

We dont chose what people say to us.  We chose our response, though.  I joke about anything.  For instance.  After my dad killed himself I told my boss:  "I dont own a garage so you dont have to worry about me hanging myself in a garage"  He said it wasnt funny.  

Well.  It was.  

I just try to avoid sensitive people.  They seem to be ok belittling others and showing terrible behavior and being super sensitive when it is pointed out or they are expected to do something like actually work.  

I steer clear.  Much rather enjoy positive vibes, fun times and enjoying moments.  Moments are all we have.

 

 

[hatecoldsor]

Just because someone has herpes doesn't make them a better person. You should expect normal dating norms like in any other online dating sites. 

[Lisajd]

Yes I agree with you there and I think it's a lot easier for people to believe that they will find someone decent because they also have HSV but players are still play it is and it is still a numbers game

[mcf1971]

On 3/5/2017 at 4:34 PM, WilsoInAus said:

If you have antibodies, then you have the virus - no question! Your ex therefore has HSV-1 and it was probably an oral infection.

Your test result indicates an infection and your number can be that level if your infection was a couple of months old or even years old.

Your back and leg problems are almost certainly not related to herpes. HSV-1 does not cause such issues when it is genitally located.

Did you get your outbreak swabbed? Do you have a previous negative test for HSV-1? If not then there is minor question as to whether what you had was herpes. Did the doctor see the outbreak?

 

On 3/7/2017 at 4:13 PM, jreemi said:

I disclosed to one girl and while she accepted it at first, things changed after a night of googling. It is very difficult for me to go back into the normal dating pool. I'd like to think there are enough of us to find someone but I guess that's wishful thinking

First of all WE are not damaged.  If you see yourself that way, that's your choice and it will not help you get where you want to go.  Yes, Herpes is a very challenging infection and it can be extremelly painful at times but there are a lot, and I mean A LOT of people that you don't see on these site who are living normal lives.  Also if you think about it, there are tons of risky life circumstances that can be way more devastating...

 

[dont quit!17]

On 3/8/2017 at 8:23 PM, Disc0rdant said:

I just try to avoid sensitive people.  They seem to be ok belittling others and showing terrible behavior and being super sensitive when it is pointed out or they are expected to do something like actually work.  
 

This is so fucking true. Lazy ass people!

[Disc0rdant]

On 3/8/2017 at 1:36 AM, KeepThriving said:

I believe every experience is an opportunity to learn and grow.  Not everyone is going to take their diagnosis and engage in some deep self-reflection about their life and how they live it.  For some, this has caused an extraordinary existential crisis.  A blessing in disguise even.  For others, they will repeat the same patterns or worse and not really analyze the consequences. 

Everyone is different in their reaction to their diagnosis.  I understand where you're coming from.  But, I also believe this can be a lesson about judgment and compassion.  The people you have met are on their own path.  It doesn't have to be yours.  And, it doesn't have to become your new normal.  Maybe you can find more comfort and support with people you have other things in common with.  When you meet the right people, it won't necessarily matter that they don't have H.  They will still have the capacity to empathize.  

Re: your disclosure - I've decided that I am going to prepare a fact sheet for the person I would like to become intimate with.  I want to be prepared with any questions/doubts/stigma that will probably arise.  I've already told the friend I disclosed to about this website.  I think this seems to be best one out there.  I will do the same to the next person I am intimate with.  I have faith that the right person will want to know more before making snap judgments.  The friend I told did his own research and it was great to talk to him about it in a way that he understood beyond the stigma.

I would not knock the HSV dating websites until you've tried it yourself.  I joined for a minute and had a very nice conversation with another member.  We never met in person, because he lives in a different state.  I will probably re-join, but I do have issues with privacy because of my profession.

One of the questions the website asks is what questions you might have for a match/friend. Two questions I posed were, "What has your diagnosis taught you?" and "How have you transformed from your diagnosis?" - so, I think having that out there helped weed out anyone who wasn't searching for something more meaningful.  There are a lot of people on the websites living very full lives.  They are just hoping to find someone to connect with.  You can skip the ones that check the "Casual" box.

I refuse to label myself as "damaged," but that's just me (you mention we're all damaged goods now).  If this has taught me anything, it's taught me to be kinder and more loving to myself most of all.  

You say you met a lot of older people who were jaded.  But, you sound pretty jaded yourself at 27, haha.  Just saying :-)

And, it is possible that you just might need to be single for awhile, as you've said.  Just don't lose hope altogether.  

I was just re-reading this.  I am texting with a couple of girls that I may decide to date that live in my city.  Maybe I make a "fact sheet" with my crazy family history disclosed.  It doesnt embarass me or worry me.  But.  It is part of who I am.  Just random thoughts....  

One has said she wants a "nap date" w me.  Apparently, people out there are as weird and crazy as me....

[Corilou]

On 3/7/2017 at 6:57 PM, jreemi said:

I got H last summer. It took me several months to reach out for support. Eventually I found this place, which then led me to local groups (FB) in my area.

On the one hand, many of the moderators and admins are nice, positive and throw lots of events. However, I've found that for the most part these groups consists of much older people, many of whom are very jaded. I'm 27 years old and would like to find a girl around my age. Now since it's a fact that far more women have this than men, one would think that a single guy, especially younger, would have a pretty good shot. However, what I've found is a large amount of obese girls, single mothers, or both.

In these facebook HSV groups, where presumably we are all single (as people who get into relationships posts farewell messages and dissappear), I have witnessed some pretty baffling behavior by the women there. One example was last week when a girl around my age, who was of average attractiveness, posted that she hasn't had sex in months and basically wants a "f-buddy". On the one hand I understand being robbed of intimacy for so long, but on the other hand one has to stop and woonder if that kind of behavior is the reason why you're there in the first place. But this wasn't what threw me for a loop; she then began ranting that she was angry that guys were sending her friend requests and messaging her. And I've seen this kind of behavior from numerous girls in these groups; complaining and ranting that guys are messaging them, despite the fact that we are in a hsv dating group and are all in the same small "boat" of people who have this.

You'd think that after getting something like this you'd change your perspective a bit. I understand we're all damaged people now. But it seems as though many guys are completely screwed in this sense. The women get to sit back and have their pick, but simultaneously complain about the attention they receive while attention whoring at the same time. Now how it worked out that way I have no idea. If 10% of guys have this and 30% of women have it, I'm not sure how each group appears to be a sausage fest, and the few desirable women are stuck up beyond belief.

There really are no answers to hsv treatment-wise; valtrex is poorly absorbed by the body and in general sucks. But there are also no solid venues for dating. I've heard nothing but bad things about positive singles and these groups aren't much better.

If you've never been in a local hsv group, you'll be appalled at the enormous egos you run into, the sense of entitlement, and the high school cliques that are going on. This disease we share runs deep. It binds us together more than class. More than race even. What I have seen is nothing short of baffling - I guess I will be single for quite some time, but at least I can sit back and watch the dumpster fire 

Ok, I'm going to tell you this from the best possible place.. From a loving place & an understanding place.. Shut the hell up you judgemental douche bag. 

I'm saying this because I know you're better than all that nonsense, I promise it's not mean, or hateful, I just hope you grow from here.

Let people be who they are dude, worry about you. If you dont want a single mom, or a bitter obese whatever, keep on moving. With all your statistics and ratios,  you sure seem to care more than you claim.

I got H as a newly divorced single mom. Was I pissed, sure, I got over it. I've been on dates with people I've met through the normal channels and I've dated online. I'm a monogamous kinda chick, so I've been in 2 relationships since finding out 7 years ago - one with a non-herpster (who turned out to be a whiney little bitch baby) & the guy I'm with now (5 years) that I met online, a herpster. I've met up for support groups and realized, I don't  want to be depressed, I don't want to hear stats on who has it, or not.. I just want to live my life, man. I want to binge watch my favorite shows and have a normal night out with friend bitching about their husbands, or gf'/bf's, or the bad ending of a really good book.. Herpes does not change who you were before, it's a virus, only you can better, or worsen your own experience.. Keep on living a happy life and try to help those down in the dumps, don't judge them:)

Good luck!

 

[Whyyyyy]

6 minutes ago, Corilou said:

Ok, I'm going to tell you this from the best possible place.. From a loving place & an understanding place.. Shut the hell up you judgemental douche bag. 

I'm saying this because I know you're better than all that nonsense, I promise it's not mean, or hateful, I just hope you grow from here.

Let people be who they are dude, worry about you. If you dont want a single mom, or a bitter obese whatever, keep on moving. With all your statistics and ratios,  you sure seem to care more than you claim.

I got H as a newly divorced single mom. Was I pissed, sure, I got over it. I've been on dates with people I've met through the normal channels and I've dated online. I'm a monogamous kinda chick, so I've been in 2 relationships since finding out 7 years ago - one with a non-herpster (who turned out to be a whiney little bitch baby) & the guy I'm with now (5 years) that I met online, a herpster. I've met up for support groups and realized, I don't  want to be depressed, I don't want to hear stats on who has it, or not.. I just want to live my life, man. I want to binge watch my favorite shows and have a normal night out with friend bitching about their husbands, or gf'/bf's, or the bad ending of a really good book.. Herpes does not change who you were before, it's a virus, only you can better, or worsen your own experience.. Keep on living a happy life and try to help those down in the dumps, don't judge them:)

Good luck!

 

You win at herpes! Lol. You're the real MVP.

[Corilou]

5 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

You win at herpes! Lol. You're the real MVP.

Lol, everyday is potentially the best day ever girl;)

[Itsminor]

On 08/03/2017 at 0:04 AM, WilsoInAus said:

Nought as queer as folk s they say!

What are you hitting is the fact that most people with the virus do not know it or do not care. They go about their lives as normal, date as per normal, disclose on their terms if at all.

My (very personal) view is do not segregate yourself, just play the game of love and life as everyone does.

After a year of misery im with ya. 

I'll get lambasted by the righteous types on here but you have one life n you dont have HIV that can kill. What always makes me laugh about this forum is its kinda feeding the fire. What we need the world to understand is herpes is minor, mostly a non issue but whenever people google it they get forums of misery (largely due to rejection from disclosure - caused by people freaking out- caused by forums of misery - "it ruins lives!") 

Valtrex does work actually and use condoms. 

And date as normal, be happy dont disclose but be as safe as possible.

Meet s/o you like. Be the best boyfriend ever (i bet youre a nicer person now right? ) 

play the odds : say 1/5 she gets it in a year, 1/3 she knows. = 1/15 chance it'll be a problem. 

If she gets it you didnt know yu had it youre sorry but you love her. Get marriedlive happily ever after. 

You have my blessing, problem solved. 

(Boy oh boy am i gunna get some abuse now lol)

 

[luvurself16]

1 hour ago, Itsminor said:

After a year of misery im with ya. 

I'll get lambasted by the righteous types on here but you have one life n you dont have HIV that can kill. What always makes me laugh about this forum is its kinda feeding the fire. What we need the world to understand is herpes is minor, mostly a non issue but whenever people google it they get forums of misery (largely due to rejection from disclosure - caused by people freaking out- caused by forums of misery - "it ruins lives!") 

Valtrex does work actually and use condoms. 

And date as normal, be happy dont disclose but be as safe as possible.

Meet s/o you like. Be the best boyfriend ever (i bet youre a nicer person now right? ) 

play the odds : say 1/5 she gets it in a year, 1/3 she knows. = 1/15 chance it'll be a problem. 

If she gets it you didnt know yu had it youre sorry but you love her. Get marriedlive happily ever after. 

You have my blessing, problem solved. 

(Boy oh boy am i gunna get some abuse now lol)

 

I'm sorry but you should disclose and make that person choose whether or not they want to take that risk. You never know how someone will react to you not disclosing. JS.

[cantdoit]

The above was probably written by the mother fucker who gave me this std