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Newly diagnosed -sort of


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Hello All,

I have HSV2 which I got from an ex-boyfriend 6 years ago.  I haven't been in a relationship since. I have been so jaded from my diaganosis that I haven't been able to date anyone.  I have had a few hook-up's and I have not given anyone herpes.  About two years ago I feel in love with a great man, he loves me dearly and I love him.  We have know each other from childhood and he said that I was his dream girl, and that ever since then he has always loved me.  I cannot imagine my life with out him.  

As you may have guessed he  doesnt know I have herpes.  I wanted to tell him early in the relationship but i was so in awe by him that I couldn't bring my self to tell him for fear of losing him.  We talked about getting engaged this summer and we always talk about having children. I can't believe Im at this point in my life and I may ruin the only true love that I have ever had.  I have told him before that I had a yeast infection and that I can't have sex with him.  This is what keeps me able to stay away from him when i have and out break.  He has bought it a few times but more and more he has become leery. I had a outbreak two weeks ago and I used the same old excuse; this time he didn't quite buy it and he seemed very annoyed.  He asked me "what do you have?". I was horrified. I didn't know what to say but its just a yeast infection its no big deal.  A week later the unimaginable happened. I got another herpes outbreak. I had to lie again.  This time he didn't buy it.  In fact is is really mad at me.  He thinks i don't want to have sex with him and I'm am using this as an excuse and he also think's Im cheating on him. He is the love of my life.  And I may have lost him forever. 

I am telling my story because number 1. don't do what I did and 2. I need help and pointers, I am going to tell him tomorrow. I feel like my life is ruined.  Im too old and too tired to start again.

I have not told anyone about this, not my family nor my friends. I feel alone.

I would like to also mention that when I was diagnosed the dr told me not to tell anyone because of the stigma around it, and i followed her advise. :( Big mistake. I know he will not accept me for who i am anymore. Im so sad i hate this, I hate my life. Why me GOD?

Anyone please help.

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Not true, if this guy loves you he will accept you. You've already had sex before so im guessing you used precautions and he hasn't contracted it. Good! This will at least show him that there is a way to be safe and not contract herpes. Knowing this and maybe showing him the risk % chance of getting it is very little with precautions. Just let him know that you have been smart about it and thats why you had to avoid sexual contact sometimes. Be honest when telling him your feelings about how you were scared What he would think thats why you lied Sometimes and im sure he will understand. Also, just to ease into the conversation dont say "i have herpes" rather say , "i get the cold sore virus down there, thats why i have to abstain from sex sometimes" Something like that. Because for some reason the word herpes just sounds scarier to people at first.

give him some time to research, and just soak it in. I didn't know anything about herpes before i got it so im sure he doesnt either so he needs time to just see its not a big issue. 

This is a good test to see if he truly loves you too, i think having this virus is a great way to see the true side of people.

p.s that doctor is an asshole

and goodluck:) you will feel alot better after telling. And it may take time but im sure everything will be fine. 

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I read this post the other day and I felt that I had responded.  Before I say anymore did you actually get to tell him and how did it go

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    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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