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A Whole Bunch of Feelings


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It's often difficult for me to put my emotions and feelings in to words so bear with me.

Over the past two months, I have dealt with guilt, remorse, regret, anger, sadness and extreme self loathing. I contracted HSV from a sex worker on January 12th, a decision which I now view as the worst I've ever made. I knew something was wrong within the next few days, with a discharge, tingling in my genitals and classic symptoms that occur during a first outbreak. I made the decision to get tested, at first for Gonorrhea and Chlamydia at a family planning clinic, then blood testing at the local hospital a few days later. Lo and behold, I tested negative for G and C, negative on HIV/AIDS, but positive for HSV 1/2. I've done plenty of reading on testing and will be getting an IGG type specific test to confirm what exactly I may have.

Some days are better than others. I have had very mild symptoms, at least I think so compared to reading other peoples stories about their outbreaks. I am taking daily Valtrex doses, along with Lysine and daily vitamins to help my immune system. The thing that bothers me most is my own thoughts. Constantly I am devaluing myself, calling myself an idiot, suicidal ideation, one major anxiety attack and in general a feeling of malaise. I don't really want to work but that isn't an option so I go through the motions of construction and bar tending. Many of my coworkers and friends have noticed a change in my behavior as usually I am a happy person, able to talk with anyone, and now have withdrawn into my own head, negative thoughts swirling around constantly. I've started seeing a counselor which I guess is a start, to talk about dwelling on the past, my self loathing and feeling alone and depressed.

I guess what I'm asking for is your help. I've read plenty of stories and posts on this website and others but please respond to this and let me know how you were and have felt after your diagnosis. What did you change about your life to start being happy again? How do I deal with this diagnosis? What are resources that I can use to help? What should I do?

Thank you in advance,


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Hey Neil, what up.

I had a very similar experience as yourself. It lasted much longer, almost 2 years, since I kind of overtook control of myself again. Nevertheless, at the beginning, I was dealing with an illness that was suppossed to last forever. But within one year later, I started to get informed and I saw all the new developments coming up.

First of all, if having symptoms reminds you too much of your current condition, just take antivirals to stop them. You can do that for years and it won´t damage you. Second, around 5-7 different vaccines are being worked on and are in a very advanced status, and more than one or two will have been released within the next 1-3 years. Then you have Crispr/Cas9, which can stop replication and even eliminate the virus. That´s gonna take longer, but no more than 5-10 years. 

Sure you´ll have your ups and downs and this is gonna be real bad for you for some time, but you must be aware that this won´t play a role in your life forever. Worst case scenario, several years. So try to learn how to be patient, work, think about things differently... But don´t go crazy, it won´t last forever.

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Your test result for herpes has revealed your status before sex with the CSW.

Was the test IgG for HSV1/2 combined or are there separate results?

Only a test in April compared to a correct text from January will reveal whether a HSV infection took place.

The sex was protected?

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    • Nameshame
      @WilsoInAus do you really thing that above my symptoms are Herpes related? Or it may because of Herpes zoster shingles? Bcz of this my Igm is positive?
    • Nameshame
      @WilsoInAus i requested my partner, but they are refusing from testing and saying they dint had any symptoms. Now the only way i left is to wait untill 12 weeks window period right? I am not getting what to do in this case. Any suggestion for any other tests?
    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
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