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Was dreading the "talk" with my boyfriend

Diffoutlook

By Diffoutlook,
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Diffoutlook Honeycomb Member

Diffoutlook

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I am not writing this to give advice as to how to disclose.  Rather, I am writing this because I want people to know what true love is and what it should look and sound like in this type of situation. 

Last week Friday I was diagnosed with both types 1 and 2 HSV.  Definitely something I was not prepared to hear after requesting a routine STD check during my yearly female appointment.  How could this be?  How long have I had this?  Who gave it to me?  I don't even know what an OB looks like or how it is supposed to feel!  No way this could be me, the lab got my blood mixed up with somebody else.  Yeah, that's what happened.  Unfortunately, that is not what happened.  Everything starts sinking in now.  Can I kiss my kids? Oh my god, what if they contracted it using the loufa in the shower?  Can I still snuggle with them during our movie nights when we "camp out" in the living room on the weekends (which has become a tradition and would devastate me if I had to change it)?  I am a walking disease.  So what does any person do after finding out they have HSV.....they hit the internet and start researching.  I must have researched from 430pm until 1am.  Slept for maybe 4 hours and woke up only to start researching again.  My mind is racing and I need to talk about it with somebody because quite frankly, I need somebody to reassure me that it will be ok and to bring me back down to earth.  But crap, how am I going to tell them?!  Then I stumble upon this support group and start browsing all the topics and find the disclosing tab.  Ok cool.  I need advice big time because I am in a relationship with the man I am 110% sure I am supposed to marry.  I would be devastated if he left me.  I know I didn't get it from him because he showed me paperwork saying he had a clean bill of health.  So I start browsing on this site and come across success stories about revealing the big H news to a significant other.  I grab a pen and note pad and start writing down statistics, facts, information, basically anything positive about having this virus. Then I read that you should reveal this news in person.  Don't cry. Talk about the positive things.  And whatever you do, do NOT say, "I understand if you don't want to be with me anymore."  Check.  Got it.  Saturday comes and goes and all day I am up down, thinking, not thinking, thinking, not thinking.  My brain literally hurts.  I'm in a daze.  I need to tell somebody NOW before I flip out.  My dad calls.  Phew, thank god.  I ask if he is sitting down and chuckle a little (yes, I need to throw a little humor in there at this point).  He knows I am about to lay some serious news onto him.  I tell him.  It goes just as I had imagined.  Smooth.  Well, besides my bouts of crying.  He is my best friend and reassures me everything will be alright and that he hates the H word because it sounds so much worse than what it really is, which I found ironic because I just got done reading that very same thing in most of the posts.  I managed to cool down for about 5 minutes while talking about it but I can't keep it in any longer and now I'm bawling....again.  The last day and a half has caught up to me and its just pouring out.  But eventually I calm down again and end the convo with my dad.  Phone rings 5 minutes later.  Its the boyfriend.  Up until that night I was able to put on a pretty good front and act and sound like everything was A ok.  We start chatting.  Then the conversation gets a little quite.  Shoot.  He senses there is something wrong.  He asks if I am ok.  I start choking up.  I say no.  Stupid me!  I am already doing everything I read NOT to do when disclosing!  Too late now.  We're not in person.  I'm bawling.  I don't have my note pad in front of me and worst of all, before I even tell him about the big H, I say, "If you leave me after I tell you this I will totally understand and will not blame you."  Nice one you idiot.  Here is the beginning to the end.  I somehow manage to choke out the words......

After I manage to spit it out his first words to me were, "It's going to be alright.  We will get through this together." Ummmm, come again?  Did I just hear what I thought I did?  I am apologizing profusely at this point saying I am so sorry, I had no idea I had this, I am so sorry if I gave it to you, you must think I am disgusting.  He stops me and asks when I found out.  I manage to choke out the words,  "Yesterday around 3pm while I was at work."  I want to say he shocked me again with his next statement but deep down I always knew this man was a true gentleman who didn't run at the first site of trouble.  Anyway, he says, "Sweetheart, I wish you would have told me when you found out so you didn't have to feel so alone."  Seriously?  Now I am crying even harder and not because I have HSV, but because at that moment I knew I was the luckiest girl alive to have found such a wonderful man.  He comes from my side of the world where people know that life throws curveballs and if you truly love somebody you don't run when things do not go your way.  After settling down a bit I ramble off the statistics about how common HSV actually is and a little about this and that and the rest of the information I remember reading since I don't have my little note pad in front of me.  He then tells me that if he has it, he has it and that we will deal with it TOGETHER if or when there is a OB and we will use protection and that I am the same girl he met 20 years ago and the same woman he reunited with 2 months ago.  Yes, we were two little love birds at the roller rink back in the day :)  And yes, I did say 2 months.  It hasn't been that long but like I was always told, when you know you just know.  I knew he was the one before this little misfortune happened and now I have no words to describe the love and respect I have for this man.  Any word I come up with would not do him justice.  The next morning he calls me and tells me that after we hung up the phone the night before he sat there and thought about everything for about an hour.  And are you sitting down????  He tells me that he does not want to stop doing what were doing and change how we go about our lives and sexual life because of this "thing" that people are overdramatic about anyway, therefore protection is not necessary.  He wants all of me.  We are in this for the long haul and so what if he gets it.

 I am not saying this is how every conversation should go to the T if you are with somebody that truly loves you, but what I am saying is that if your partner truly loves you, you should walk away feeling even more loved and not disgusting and most importantly, not alone.  If you receive anything less than this, trust me, you are better off without them and there are other people in the world that understand what it is your going through.  I hope my little short story has brought some hope to those who feel there is none and brings a smile and a happy tear to those who have similar stories and remembers how your heart felt when your partner grabbed your hand and stood beside you.                   

 

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LillianPanos Platinum Support Member

LillianPanos

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My story almost exactly the same but I found out I had this as we started dating. . . I disclosed 6 weeks into the relationship he totally accepted ad he wanted me. Wr are celebrating our 1 year together this week! 

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Diffoutlook Honeycomb Member

Diffoutlook

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2 hours ago, LillianPanos said:

My story almost exactly the same but I found out I had this as we started dating. . . I disclosed 6 weeks into the relationship he totally accepted ad he wanted me. Wr are celebrating our 1 year together this week! 

That is awesome! So happy for you! Finding true love is the best feeling in the world and I only hope everybody who is going through this little speed bump in life finds that special person :)

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Lisajd Platinum Support Member

Lisajd

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Great to hear. My experience has been positive. I say dont assume they will run and never ever say i understand if you run or leave.... dont make it worse than it is

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  • 2 weeks later...
Whyyyyy Acknowledged Support Member

Whyyyyy

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I just disclosed to my boyfriend this morning after two weeks of torture!!! His response "I love you, it's not the end of the world"...He's flying in to see me this afternoon!

What. A. Relief.

On 3/21/2017 at 6:43 PM, Lisajd said:

Great to hear. My experience has been positive. I say dont assume they will run and never ever say i understand if you run or leave.... dont make it worse than it is

I definitely said what I wasn't supposed to lol

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LillianPanos Platinum Support Member

LillianPanos

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So cool... there are great guys and gals out there look at us!!!

49 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

I just disclosed to my boyfriend this morning after two weeks of torture!!! His response "I love you, it's not the end of the world"...He's flying in to see me this afternoon!

What. A. Relief.

I definitely said what I wasn't supposed to lol

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
oldgal Established Member

oldgal

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What a beautiful beautiful story, and so cleverly related.  I'm sure we could all feel EXACTLY what you were feeling, which means we are fortunate enough to share your happiness.  I have also had the same experience and I cried and said all the same things you did and got the same reaction you did.  I married the guy (and divorced him lol!).  Thanks for a great post.  Wish you could shout it from the rooftops, there's an awful lot of ladies need to hear it.  (Sorry guys, I know you need it too, but this is a girl thing :D)  I wish you and your wonderful man all the happiness in the world.

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