Devastated and need support/advice

[Nbalover77]

Hello,

I just joined and am completely heartbroken and needing advice. I was just in a relationship with a wonderful man. We met at my last job and worked together for a year and a half but were just friends. I had a crush on him but thought he had zero interest in me. I was laid off from that job six months ago. About a month ago I joined a dating site and two hours after I joined he messaged me. He was so happy to find me on there and said he had just joined too. We hit it off and me asked me out. We went on several dates, became a couple and fell for each other. We were soo compatible. He treated me like no one else ever has. Things were perfect. We hadn't had sex but I knew it was coming so I had the dreaded talk with him two nights ago. He was in shock and said he needed time to process it and think and pray about it. I left and told him I would give him time and space. Yesterday he came over after work and immediately broke down in tears. He was a wreck. He hadn't eaten or slept and could hardly function at work. He said he's a hypochondriac and can't get past the fact that I have this virus that he could catch. I've never seen a grown man cry so much. He stayed for 4 hours because he couldn't bring himself to leave. He loves me but can't get past this. I'm heartbroken. Do you think he will change his mind and come around??

[WilsoInAus]

I'm sorry but it is a bit outside the realm of a normal grown man's behaviours to cry over herpes. Praying for the starving poor is important, but I'm not sure the good shepherd upstairs has much to much time for guidance on herpes. If she did then it would be "what is there possibly on My natural Earth that could put asunder my Divine gift of love between a man and woman". 

Another approach was possible "that's simply life my darling, that was very hard for you to say and I appreciate your integrity, I admire you even more, We will work through the minor implications and make this the irrelevance that it is"

Many such guys exist, or close enough for all practical purposes

This is your choice, but please focus on what qualities you truly value in a partner.

What herpes do you have and do you get outbreaks often?

[Lisajd]

I agree. Through my experience if a guy wants to be with you hsv is not an issue.  If hes a hypochondriac imagine the drama dating this guy unless he is doing something to deal with it.

Dry your tears dust yourself off and find another guy. They are out there

[Nbalover77]

Thank you for your response. I have HSV2. I have had it for 11 years and my outbreaks aren't as frequent now. I even told him I'm going to get on suppresssive medication for him. I have an appointment Thursday.  He still won't budge though. He wants kids and is worried that I would pass it to the child if we were to get married and have kids. 

Edited March 21, 2017 by Nbalover77

[Nbalover77]

Just to clarify, he wasn't crying over herpes. He was crying because he had to break up with me. He really cares about me and hates himself for hurting me. He said this is a really big issue for him though and he would constantly be worrying that he was going to catch it. 

[WilsoInAus]

I am a male so you deed to put my comments in that context.

I do not see that there is any defence in the feeling that he 'had' to break up with you. That is avoiding responsibility. If he cannot own up to the fact that he is choosing of his own free will to break up with you on the basis of his own unresolved insecurities then you need to reflect what that further says about his qualities and fundamental beliefs.

[useless]

Please the guy a break. Remember how devastated you must have been when you found out you had herpes.  It's not that plain and simple you are accepting maybe because you have the virus but some one who doesn't will be scared maybe he just needs time.

[Nbalover77]

I understand that too. I've been dealing with this for years and it's completely new to him. I've had to tell other guys and they have never had this reaction though. No one has ever dumped me over it. They have generally been supportive and didn't see it as that big of a deal. I sent him articles to read about transmission rates and everything and he still can't get past it. I don't get it. He still wants to be in my life and hang out as friends but I don't think I can do that. 

[Lisajd]

He obviously doesnt still understand the low risk.  There is no ris to a child when you are pregant as you already have the virus.  Its hard i know. Ive been there.  But if he wont budge then he never will.  @useless if a guy chooses to run thats their choice. Not a weakness.  

[Nbalover77]

Yeah he's not understanding the low risk. He has OCD too and said he's constantly washing his hands, etc.  so maybe that's part of it. I have OCD as well though. 

I have a feeling he's not going to budge. 

[Lisajd]

Best to move on.  You will find someone.  

[Erich]

NBALover77, I am sorry this occurred. There are lots of great people out there that are willing to work with you through this.

What medicine are you taking or would you recommend that would deter outbreaks?

[oldgal]

This guy sounds a lot like........someone you really don't want to spend the rest of your life with!  I think that for any relationship to work, you have to at least be comfortable with each other.  Imagine him spending his life worrying about what he might catch from you, and you worrying about that happening.  Imagine how he would react if/when he DID catch it!  There are lots of men out there who will love you for who you are, not judge you for what you have - and they won't have to go away and think about it first.  As they say, there are plenty of other fish in the sea.  I would throw this one back. 

[Hansje]

NBalover, is he willing to get treated for his hypochondria? Cause that seems to be the biggest problem, not you having herpes. 

[Nbalover77]

Erich I'm going to start taking Valtrex even though we aren't together.

hansje, he is thinking about counseling but he feels like there is a stigma with that too and he also can't afford it. 

Oldgal, I had to let him go just last night. He still can't get past it and doesn't think he ever will. He wants to be friends but my feelings are way too strong. I am devastated and haven't been able to stop crying. We were perfect together until the herpes talk. No one has treated Me as well as he did and we were so compatible. It kills us both that we can't be together. I just pray that he gets helps and comes around someday. It may be too late though. He just lost a really good woman. Over a skin condition!

[Lisajd]

6 hours ago, Nbalover77 said:

Erich I'm going to start taking Valtrex even though we aren't together.

hansje, he is thinking about counseling but he feels like there is a stigma with that too and he also can't afford it. 

Oldgal, I had to let him go just last night. He still can't get past it and doesn't think he ever will. He wants to be friends but my feelings are way too strong. I am devastated and haven't been able to stop crying. We were perfect together until the herpes talk. No one has treated Me as well as he did and we were so compatible. It kills us both that we can't be together. I just pray that he gets helps and comes around someday. It may be too late though. He just lost a really good woman. Over a skin condition!

I have been in a similar situation as you and the way I look at it now is that it is really his choice and I don't hold him against that but I also think that he will never be happy and that's what makes me feel better about it that he made that decision and I will be the winner in the long run.  You know people say that everything was perfect before you described but the reality is it wasn't so perfect if he is going to leave you because of that.   I always say you Grieve over someone until you meet the next person and then you will realise that it was the right thing to do.  I have been seeing someone to the last night much and he has accepted that I have herpes but the relationship was volatile and in the last 6 weeks we have not seen each other and things continued to be volatile and I have to keep reminding myself that the relationship cannot be.  And that's what you need to do and move forward and spend your time finding someone else than wasting it on him

[Hansje]

I feel very sorry for you, this is hard. Lisajd is right. You deserve better. And something better will come, in whatever form and shape, Be strong, because you are.

[oldgal]

I also feel very sorry for you, I think we all know how it feels when a relationship ends, no matter what the reason was.  But Lisajd echoes my thoughts too - that it always feels like the end of the world, until the next time.  Then suddenly the man we couldn't live without strangely becomes the one we couldn't care less about any more ! You say this man treated you very well, but it was obviously a very superficial love on his part.  He was a fair-weather friend, none of the "in sickness and in health, for better or worse" for his kind!  The best thing you can do is get out there again and start life afresh.  You will soon meet someone else with a more mature outlook who will care about you - because you are worth it!  Good luck.

[Atrapasueños]

El hecho de que una persona no quiera contraer herpes no quiere decir que es superficial o que no le importe, sólo son personas que no quieren contraer una enfermedad como el hsv, yo también dejaría a esa persona 

 

The fact that a person does not want to get herpes does not mean that it is superficial or that it does not matter to them, they are only people who do not want to contract a disease like hsv, I would also leave that person

[Atrapasueños]

Algunas personas con herpes son doble moralista, diciendo que la persona que te rechaza no era para uno, sólo se limitan a decir que llegara otra persona que si nos valoré, si fuéramos negativos para el herpes sería muy diferente pero no es asi

 

Some people with herpes are double moralistic, saying that the person who rejected you was not for one, they just say that someone else would come if we valued, if we were negative for herpes would be very different but it is not so

[oldgal]

Atrapasuenos - We can all only speak from our own experiences and those of others we know.  In my own experience over many years, I have found that prospective partners who reject you are the ones who are not looking for a serious relationship.  Nothing wrong with that, and best they move on.  When a man (or woman) is really in love with you, they take you "warts and all", because that's what love is.  If I did not have herpes and found a wonderful man who loved me and wanted to spend his life with me, and told me he had herpes, I honestly believe it would not make a difference to me.  The qualities of the man are more important.  If you seek perfection in your life partner, you are destined for a lonely life.

[Atrapasueños]

Disculpe pero para mi eso es ser doble moralista,  si yo fuera negativo no quisiera contraer herpes, pero no por eso seré un inmaduro, a mi no me dejaron elegir si quería tener herpes, no se si ha usted la dejaron elegir, usted a dicho que la gente que nos puede rechaza, es inmadura, superficial, así como le dijo a nbalover que ya llegará alguien que se preocupe por ella, si yo fuera negativo claro que me iba preocupar por mi mismo y tomar la mejor decisión para mi 

 

Excuse me but for me that is double moralist, if I were negative I would not want to get herpes, but not for that I will be an immature, I was not allowed to choose if I wanted to have herpes, I do not know if you have let her choose, you said That people who can reject us, is immature, superficial, as well as told to realize that someone will come and worry about it, if I were negative I would worry about myself and make the best decision for me

@oldgal

[oldgal]

Atrapasuenos - and you have every right to do so.  I don't mean to insult anyone and I am sorry if my opinions appear overbearing.  It's just how I believe love really is - a two-way thing, where we stop thinking only of ourselves and start thinking in terms of a partnership.  When "you and me" becomes "us", you can work anything out.  Herpes is not really that big a deal unless you want to play the field rather than settle down.  It's very unpleasant and that's for sure, but there's more to life and love than herpes !

[Nbalover77]

Thank you so much for the support. I'm still having a hard time with this. I feel so rejected and so very sad. I wake up every night thinking about him and feeling depresssed. I'm trying to move on but it's not easy.

[Atrapasueños]

Entiendo, pero yo no quería una vida de ardor picazón efectos psicologico, tampoco quisiera dañar a esa persona que quiera estar conmigo como pareja, por una parte sabemos que si revelamos nuestra condicion nuestra pareja tiene el derecho aceptar o rechazar, en mi punto de vista si me aceptara creo que sería egoísta de mi parte ya que puedo contagiarla

@oldgal

I understand, but I did not want a life of burning itching psychological effects, nor would I want to harm that person who wants to be with me as a couple, on the one hand we know that if we reveal our condition our partner has the right to accept or reject, at my point of If I accepted I think it would be selfish of me as I can infect her