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I ghosted on him...now he's asking questions

kr827

By kr827,
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kr827 Honeycomb Member

kr827

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Not sure what to do right now.  Met a guy online a little over a year ago.  We talked here and there, but never managed to get together.  He was living in NC at the time, but would occasionally come to PA to visit family.  He moved back to PA about 6 months ago.  I was sort of involved with someone and didnt want to meet up because of that.  Well, ended up sleeping with the guy I was involved with after I felt comfortable.  A few days after we slept together, he became flaky and I decided I wasn't going to waste any of my time playing games.  He stopped talking and I wasn't fighting it.  The guy who recently moved back to PA had messaged me about a week later and we met for drinks.  Nothing else happened and we had a really nice time.  I planned on seeing him again...that's when my symptoms started.  Went to the doctors and a week later, found out about h.  I was devastated and pretty much ghosted the guy that moved back to PA.  He messaged me last night wanting to know what happened.  Everything I said seemed to make me out to be unworthy of him and that he deserved better....SO mad that I did that because I know who and what I am.  I can't bring myself to tell him the real reason and he asked about seeing me again.  I want to, but also feel I'd be wasting his and my time because I don't see him sticking around if I'd disclose.  I'm in my mid thirties, he is only 28.  I really don't know what to do or think right now...

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crisper Established Member

crisper

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8 hours ago, kr827 said:

Not sure what to do right now.  Met a guy online a little over a year ago.  We talked here and there, but never managed to get together.  He was living in NC at the time, but would occasionally come to PA to visit family.  He moved back to PA about 6 months ago.  I was sort of involved with someone and didnt want to meet up because of that.  Well, ended up sleeping with the guy I was involved with after I felt comfortable.  A few days after we slept together, he became flaky and I decided I wasn't going to waste any of my time playing games.  He stopped talking and I wasn't fighting it.  The guy who recently moved back to PA had messaged me about a week later and we met for drinks.  Nothing else happened and we had a really nice time.  I planned on seeing him again...that's when my symptoms started.  Went to the doctors and a week later, found out about h.  I was devastated and pretty much ghosted the guy that moved back to PA.  He messaged me last night wanting to know what happened.  Everything I said seemed to make me out to be unworthy of him and that he deserved better....SO mad that I did that because I know who and what I am.  I can't bring myself to tell him the real reason and he asked about seeing me again.  I want to, but also feel I'd be wasting his and my time because I don't see him sticking around if I'd disclose.  I'm in my mid thirties, he is only 28.  I really don't know what to do or think right now...

Give him a chance. You told him you are unworthy and he still wants to see you.  But, tell him the truth when you see him.  Make sure you tell him you lied because you were under distress. But, you want to set things right.  He might stay or  he might go...But, at least you will not feel you compromised your integrity.  Good Luck. 

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kr827 Honeycomb Member

kr827

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Thanks...I'm just so scared of the rejection I'm pretty confident that I'm going to get.  I was lied to by my gifter so I'd never put anyone through what I went through.  I was told by a few guys that know me that I'm still "me" and a great person so if he would choose to leave, I don't need to take it to heart.  I just haven't told anyone about having h (besides people in the Facebook groups) and wasn't planning on telling anyone that didn't have it. :(

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SnowAngel Established Member

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Hey sorry you're going through a stressful time. When I got H I was seeing a therapist because I was looking for work but couldn't find anything anyway this time overlapped when I hit H, her advice helped me a lot so I'll pass it on. She said "the right person won't care" and I truly believe that. If he truly likes you as a person he won't think any less of you for having a virus. I'll admit I used to think herpies was only given during one night stands or paid sex! Boy was I wrong, all of you guys are normal everyday people, including myself! It's just a virus that's spread by skin to skin contact, it's not a dirty sickness that only hookers have :) good luck. 

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kr827 Honeycomb Member

kr827

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Thank you!  Part of me doesn't want to even bother, but time will tell.  The stigma is ridiculous and it's sad that it has me feeling the way I do.  No way do I see him willing to risk it for me so part of me just wants to tell him to look elsewhere.  This is what makes me despise having this and want to punch my gifter!

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Freedom_Realized Honeycomb Member

Freedom_Realized

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Hi @kr827 - thanks for sharing your story.  

You don't have to tell him about H right away.  You can tell him that some "stuff" has come up that you're dealing with and your ghosting definitely isn't about him.  Since he's just moved back to PA, give it a chance.  Go out a few more times and see how you feel.  You may find that you won't want anything more with him yourself.  Then, the H subject may not need to come up.

Best wishes!

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kr827 Honeycomb Member

kr827

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I thought about doing that also...waiting a bit.   I just don't want to waste time, if that makes sense.  I told myself I was going to stick to guys with h because I didn't think I could handle trying to educate someone on how minor this stuff is, but there is just something about him that makes me want to change my mind and try.  I've only had it for 2 months now so I'm no expert.  I was an emotional disaster in the beginning and the thought of unintentionally passing this on to someone kills me (yes, I know that if they choose to stay after I disclose, they are taking that risk themselves, but still).  Life loves to throw them damn curveballs lol.

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WilsoInAus Platinum Support Member

WilsoInAus

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Hi @kr827 did you learn of the type of herpes you have? That can play a role in the disclosure and perspectives as well as likelihood he already has the same type.

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LillianPanos Platinum Support Member

LillianPanos

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Get copies of test results. I think this is best way to kknow what you have for your records.

1 hour ago, kr827 said:

I'm pretty sure it's HSV-2...no oral was involved 

 

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Lisajd Platinum Support Member

Lisajd

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Dont assume he will reject you.  You dont know his status nor how he feels about it. I told 2 guys straight up recently.  One has no idea the other has hsv1. The one with hsv1 knows little. I sent him info and he wants to chat more.  You never know if you dont put yourself out there

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dont quit!17 Acknowledged Support Member

dont quit!17

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You should be able to tell if he digs you. Make him show you he cares and if he does, disclose, if not then let it be and be his friend. No hurries. Wait until you feel comfortable; as you know you cant force a conversation and damn well can't force a relationship. One thing about females is that they know when someone cares about them. You should be able to feel it. Good luck. 

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oldgal Established Member

oldgal

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On March 27, 2017 at 7:23 AM, dont quit!17 said:

One thing about females is that they know when someone cares about them. You should be able to feel it. 

I hope this is right for all you ladies, but in my own experience there is a word missing - "they think they know!  I have been dropped like a hot potato by numerous men over the years who I "knew cared about me", most notably by the one who left this precious gift behind when he vanished all those years ago.  I gave him my heart, he gave me his herpes lol!!  But then, I think I am just a notoriously bad judge of character :D

Anyway, I think it is best to take a step back with disclosing.  Wait until you know the guy a lot better and follow KeepThriving's advice.  While things are in the very early stages of a relationship he may well think it's not worth the trouble, but if his feelings for you grow he probably won't care about it.  Plus, if you don't know him very well, who knows what his reaction might be - he could throw your name all over the place!  I wish you well. 

 

  

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oldgal Established Member

oldgal

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Lol Hansje!  At least you have an excuse.  The only thing I have ever had removed is the useless fatty lump that I divorced :D!

  

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