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So my s/o just found out from the hospital she tested positive for herpes, this is after receiving a notice from planned parenthood that she had not tested positive (she was tested at each location.) Naturally she is extremely devastated, what is concerning too is to my knowledge I do not have herpes, Ive never had an outbreak, and I trust her in regards to her being with anyone. Im scared I'm an asymptomatic carrier, and that I could have given it to her (I'm scheduling a doctor's appt on Monday) because I would not want to give anything to anyone. 

She is terrified and convinced that she cannot be a mother, and she wants to leave me out of a desire to protect me from contracting, and not being able to have children, I told her repeatedly that I would love her no matter what and we will figure it out together. I just want to help her.

Edited by Hopingtohelp
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Any advice anyone has would be wonderful, I'm trying to keep her reminded that she is loved and appreciated no matter what, but she is devastated for the time being. 

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Hi Hopingtohelp.  The first thing I would like to say is I hope that all those members on here a) read your post and b) find a partner like you!  Addressing your situation, I think the best thing you could do first up is to get your lady to have a good look at this website and read all the posts from newly diagnosed people and the advice that is being given to them.  There really is a wealth of information and support here which both of you will derive huge benefit from.  Certainly herpes isn't much fun for a lot of people, but after the initial shock and fear have passed and you learn what it really means to have herpes from a lot of people who have it, you come to accept the situation and learn to live quite happily and normally with it.  Many people here have lived with herpes for many years - I was diagnosed around 35 years ago!  There are antiviral treatments available, pills and topical creams, which can often prevent an outbreak altogether, or at least significantly reduce the severity.

Certainly your lady can still be a mother!  I don't know how many here have children, but I certainly do :).  As I had an outbreak at the time, my child was delivered by c-section, but I think a normal birth is ok otherwise.

It's a very scary time when you are first diagnosed and it sometimes feels like your whole world has been turned upside down.  Your lady is very lucky in that she is in a very supportive and loving relationship, and this will help her enormously.  So, together, and armed with all the information you can gather from here and elsewhere, I feel sure things will settle down soon emotionally and I truly wish you both a very happy future! 

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Hi Hopingtohelp

I echo Oldgals comment that you sound like a great partner and I am sure you will help her through.

It is useful to find out if she has HSV1 or 2 and is there a possibility maybe that you have had a cold sore in the past and she could have got HSV1 genitally from that?

There is tons of information on this site and people who will help you both so it would be good to advise her to come along and get more support. Oh and there would be very few babies being born if women with HSV were not able to have them :)

Take care


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Thank you so much for the responses! I'm trying to make sure she knows she is loved and I've shown her your replies, basically trying to get her to realize that she is not alone in this.  At the end of the day im just so worried about her emotional well being right now, I'll try to get her to read through the site, but I don't want to push anything while shes still pretty emotionally drained.

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On Saturday, April 01, 2017 at 3:42 AM, Hopingtohelp said:

Thank you so much for the responses! I'm trying to make sure she knows she is loved and I've shown her your replies, basically trying to get her to realize that she is not alone in this.  At the end of the day im just so worried about her emotional well being right now, I'll try to get her to read through the site, but I don't want to push anything while shes still pretty emotionally drained.

It would be beneficial for you to get tested as you are doing then you know how to proceed.  She needs to know the risk is very low. She can take meds and condims is 1%.  If she has not had symptoms this also reduces risk. But above it is important to understand which type she has because HSV 1 genital is much lower risk than HSV 2.  It does just take time and she does need to just educate yourself about it so that she will see that there is nothing she cannot do because she has herpes. 

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    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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