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sometimes it's just too much


sunkeepsshining

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I want to share my story with those of you who might feel similarly. 

I was diagnosed with Herpes Type 1 during the previous summer, contracted from a boy who I am insanely in love with. I was devastated and upset with myself that I had been so stupid, but was never mad at him for his deception, which is one of my biggest concerns. He never lied to me but he did omit the detail that he frequently gets oral cold sores, which is how I contracted the virus. Nor did he share that he had given it to a girl during the previous summer, deeply impacting her as well. He also did not tell me that he had chlamydia 4 years before. I was in a rural town with one urgent care at the time, and was told that I would never be able to have kids without exposing them to the virus (I now know this is incorrect information), but at the time I was horrified and truly didn't think I could make it through this. He was my support system during that terrible time and I think I became somewhat dependent on him for my happiness and validation. 

When summer was over, he moved across the world from me but we have try to stay in contact, as much as we can when we are 10,000 miles apart. I have not had an outbreak since the first one in August, but I am constantly depressed, and I feel like my only source of happiness is him. I have tried to take care of myself and my body as much as I can but it gets harder every day. I have developed serious anxiety since my diagnosis, and the only thing that calms me is smoking weed. I am a full time college student, work 20+ hours a week at a restaurant, and throw myself into activities so I forget about this entire situation. But sometimes none of that works.

Before my spring break, I found out he has been sleeping with many other people, while still telling me that "we have a future" and talking about marriage, kids, life together. I had planned a trip to visit him and could not refund my ticket so I went anyways, despite how upset I was about the news. Things are always different in person, and we had an amazing time together for the 10 days. But not amazing enough to forget the way he's made me feel in the past: worthless and anxious.

5 days after the trip, he shared that he has a red rash on his penis. Naturally, I was concerned, because I didn't know whether it was a transfer of my genital herpes to his genitals. But, my immediate thought was that he had contracted something from one of the other girls he has slept with in the past 9 months. He claimed I was overreacting like I "always do." But the mere fact that he could have exposed me to ANOTHER disease made me sick. Thankfully, the test results came back clean and his doctor told him that it was just a male yeast infection, probably given to him by me and was nothing to be too concerned about. I am relieved to know he doesn't have another STD, but I'm sitting here now asking myself why I'm even with him anymore? He isn't truthful and I don't deserve what he has put me through. I shouldn't have to feel this way about my vagina, constantly worried that I will have another outbreak, or having to get tested right after a visit with him because he can't keep his dick in his pants while I'm away. 

It fucking sucks being in love with someone who has consistently hurt me but I don't know how to stop. Will I just be fucked up forever after this because I truly cannot imagine what it's like to not worry? How can someone ever love a girl who is so mentally messed up? I don't feel beautiful anymore, no matter how many people tell me I am. I feel like a part of me has been taken away, whether it's the herpes or my broken heart.   

I hope some of you can relate to my story and this feeling of hopelessness. I want to help other people who are in similar situations. Thank you

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Hello and welcome to the site and I'm sorry you were still feeling messed up.  What he has oral herpes is what 80% of the population has and most people don't actually disclose that to somebody.  However the rest of your story makes me wonder why you do want to be with him and I am in a similar situation as you in that I was dating someone for 9 months and we were completely opposite and he treated me badly and I broke up with him but I still care about him and I think that's because there's no one else around at this point in time.  A Broken Heart does take time to heal and maybe it's a combination of that and the diagnosis but if you have HSV 1 genital it really isn't the worst one you can have.  If you are struggling with other issues maybe you need to get some counseling to help you move forward.   I've had a lot of issues in my life and I get where you're coming from but I also say that you have to make a choice about how you want to live your life and only  you can change the way you feel and think about yourself.  If you are young just get out there and enjoy your life you don't want to have regrets trust me on that one.  And don't think because you have herpes that no one will want you because it's not true you just have to get out there and take the risk and given that most people have some form of pages for you anyway you will find someone with it as well

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37 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

I know exactly how you feel. I was a pageant girl, I took so much pride in my appearance. I was once someone who had everything to offer someone and now I feel worthless and disgusting although I'm pretty much asymptomatic. I wish it would just all go away. I relate to you so much in that my bf is now my source of happiness. We will get through this!!! In a weird way maybe this is meant to make us stronger women. But you definitely shouldn't stay with someone if they aren't treating you well...you're still the same exact person you were before. (I wish I could take my own advice).

You still have all those same things to offer.  Who says you are worthless because you have hsv?   Remember that what you feel is only a feeling and does not make it true.  

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54 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

You still have all those same things to offer.  Who says you are worthless because you have hsv?   Remember that what you feel is only a feeling and does not make it true.  

You're right! I know this to be true...today was just a bad day.

Lisa will you just delete my comment? I don't want to drag anyone down. Just having a rough day. Thank you.

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1 hour ago, Whyyyyy said:

You're right! I know this to be true...today was just a bad day.

Lisa will you just delete my comment? I don't want to drag anyone down. Just having a rough day. Thank you.

You are not bringing anything or anyone down you're allowed to say how you feel and my comment back to you can actually help other people to realise that having herpes doesn't change who you are.  I I'm very self conscious about myself because I had anorexia for a long long time and to me now I feel that even though I am a normal weight and I will whinge about that to people but then they pull me up and put things into perspective and that's why it's ok to vent so that people can help you get through those tough times.. you know a friend of mine has always said to me Lisa there are worse off people in the world than you and whenever I feel down I always reflect on that because it's damn well true.  Sometimes it's about perspective but it is also ok to have down days because you would not be normal if you did not but it's when you choose to be constantly down there that's the problem.  I truly believe is your life is what you make it

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Lisajd - I was going to write something after reading the main post, but you have said everything I wanted to say and more so beautifully there is nothing for me to add.  I hope many newcomers read this thread and gain benefit from it. :2thumbsup:

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It sucks when your source of happiness is also your source of pain. I'm going through something similar. My long term girlfriend, now ex, broke up with me, assumed I was sleeping with other girls so she slept with my best friend. Then I take her back because she was actually sorry (she doesn't know that her friends told me what she was saying) she was devastated with what she did but then when I took her back she realized she caught feelings for my friend while still hardcore loving me (she has BPD so her mind with love is a wild card) so I know that she's talking to my friend so I get really depressed and I go to a party to fill a void end up having sex with a random and she was so good looking, yada yada yada, turns out she has herpes and I get it. I tell my ex girlfriend and she comes to me and says that she wants me back regardless if I have it. Then she starts getting cold and a few weeks later she's already talking to someone new to fill the void of me. Worst part is that she wants me so bad emotionally and physically. She wants me back but she won't be with me now because I have herpes. I'm a pretty hardcore guy but I physically feel worthless. I'm not the crying type but going through all this I've caught myself sobbing a bit. I'm still at a point where I don't want to live with herpes but I won't hurt myself. All I wanted was to have someone that loved me as much as I loved them and herpes really complicates that. I can't have spontaneous sex anymore. I work landscaping and the heat and sweating and the sun makes me breakout but I'm that type of person I work with my hands. And the person I would bitch and moan to about this is me Ex. I'm only 20 and this is my life now. If you ever need someone to talk to I'm a good listener 

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This has to come to an end soon....I do suffer and I see a lot of suffering here...I have so much to give (emotionaly talking) but I can´t accept myself with this virus...It´s been almost 10 years now since I contracted, and still not getting used to it, sincerely I don´t know if I ever will. I, ve been involved in three long term relationships since then, always disclosing, and never had to face a rejection because of that. The problem is in me, I don´t accept the idea of having to be accepted...it´s like I feel in debt with the other person, and it s so disturbing. The worst part is when someone is interested in me...I have developed a kind of bitter behaviour, as I feel I can not be good for anyone, so I try to keep the distance with every girl that likes me, and it´s something none of my friends undestand, mainly because I don´t tell them the real problem...same as the title of the thread, sometimes its just too much...

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8 minutes ago, readytostart said:

This has to come to an end soon....I do suffer and I see a lot of suffering here...I have so much to give (emotionaly talking) but I can´t accept myself with this virus...It´s been almost 10 years now since I contracted, and still not getting used to it, sincerely I don´t know if I ever will. I, ve been involved in three long term relationships since then, always disclosing, and never had to face a rejection because of that. The problem is in me, I don´t accept the idea of having to be accepted...it´s like I feel in debt with the other person, and it s so disturbing. The worst part is when someone is interested in me...I have developed a kind of bitter behaviour, as I feel I can not be good for anyone, so I try to keep the distance with every girl that likes me, and it´s something none of my friends undestand, mainly because I don´t tell them the real problem...same as the title of the thread, sometimes its just too much...

I totally understand this...I feel like my boyfriend is doing me some kind of favor by being with me even though he has told me a million times he's not. Have you tried dating someone who has H as well? Idk if that would help as these things seem to be more psychological.

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Just now, Whyyyyy said:

I totally understand this...I feel like my boyfriend is doing me some kind of favor by being with me even though he has told me a million times he's not. Have you tried dating someone who has H as well? Idk if that would help as these things seem to be more psychological.

Well, I don´t date...I still have feelings for my ex but the story ended months ago...and I don´t feel confortable with the idea of "look for" someone, I want to "meet" someone, in any case, but I understand what you say and I thank you for the advice :) 

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Yeah I get that totally!!! Maybe they should do a dating section on this site for the single people? I'm new idk if that's been done before or not...lol. Just a thought! 

 

Good luck! It's all going to work out!!! From what I hear most people have HSV in one form or another! 

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  • Posts

    • CHT
      Hi "Jeremy"..... I agree, the topic of your HSV status does not need to be something you disclose too soon in a developing relationship..... get to know each other first....see how it's going and as it progresses, then the HSV issue will naturally need to be revealed.... it's my personal opinion though that before there is any sexual encounter you ought to disclose your HSV status.... I know some will disagree with me on this but, I think it is morally wrong not to disclose first.  This can be a make/break situation for most people but, again, I feel it is simply wrong not to give the other person the whole story since your decision not to disclose could put their health at risk.... that is simply not an option in my opinion.  Looking back to my "pre-HSV" life I most certainly would want my partner to disclose their HSV+ status before intimacy so that I could make my decision as to whether I want to take that risk or not.... 
    • Jeremy Spokein
      Thanks, CHT. I appreciate the feedback. The whole trauma of going through this has led me to figure out a lot about myself and my attachment wounds, so I'm taking courses to come out of this better. This girl really was my dream woman in so many ways, it's been the hardest heartbreak to deal with ever. I'm truly in a lot of pain, but using the pain as fuel to launch that new business and work with coaches. I also opened up to my family about HSV, so my parents and sister know now, and they were very loving and accepting of it. Since opening up about it, I feel way better around this thing. After opening up, I also found out that some mutual friends in our family have discordant couples who are married with children, so HSV hasn't stopped them from living a loving life. The thing is... all of these couples I mention did not disclose until 6-8 months into the relationship. So now I'm thinking it might be better not to disclose until I know things are very serious. I'll of course stay on the medication and use protection, but maybe this is a better route than disclosing upfront and scaring women off.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @Lcj987 and welcome to the website. You can be sure that isn't HSV-2, looks nothing like it. It is much more likely to be folliculitis or inflamed fordyce spots.
    • WilsoInAus
      Hey @JackThrowAway herpes causes an outbreak where it enters the body first and maybe a progressive spread. If it doesn't cause an outbreak at the entry site then it won't cause one elsewhere, it also won't 'jump' upon infection - it would be more likely that the lesions are continuous from the penis to the anus. Nevertheless, testing trumps symptoms or any interpretation of symptoms. The correct conclusive result arises when: you have a positive swab; or An IgG HSV-2 level over 3.5 (Herpeselect test).
    • Lcj987
      Slept with someone unprotected, roughly 2 weeks ago now. I felt generally unwell the couple of days after but I’d been drinking the whole weekend and didn’t have much sleep either of the days of that weekend so put it down to that. 6 days after I noticed these spots appear on the shaft of my penis. Along with symptoms of discomfort in my shaft in the couple of days prior to them appearing. No pain when urinating at all that I have noticed. They don’t hurt, itch or tingle and they don’t have fluid in from what I can see or feel if I squeeze them and have never burst? I went to a sexual health clinic to get checked up, they took bloods to do a full test and looked at the spots but said they saw nothing that concerned them but I’m not sure about that, any advice? The smaller spots under the shaft are just follicles I had diagnosed years ago and non-sti related.
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