I'm unsure if I can keep pushing forward - my story, opinions appreciated.

[SnowAngel]

Hi everyone I've honestly been wondering how much longer I can keep pushing forward in life. My dream in life was to get married and have a family, I honestly don't know if this is a possibility anymore.  I'm not nervous about disclosing or ashamed of having this virus I simply cannot have sex without it causing extreme Vulva burning (my typical OB symptom) it literally feels like I have shingles in my vagina. I'm already on Amitriplyn which helps slightly but doesn't work as well as I have hoped. Will this eventually die down? I'm already on daily Valtrex, Vit C, Olive Leaf, Lysine and magnesium. Anyway life is really pushing me down. A few years ago I began dating a friend of a friend , he was an amazing man, my Prince Charming had finally found me! We got extremely close emotionally and physically although we never had actual sex (I was still a virgin and wanted to wait). The relationship ended suddenly when I found out he was also dating a married women. I was heartbroken but tried to move on. After I left him my computer and phone started acting up. Long story short he was hacking me. He also started stalking me. The police got involved, I found out he had a double life, was a drug dealer and had even drugged me (times when I remember blacking out & not being able to move my legs all made sense) The police encouraged me to cut ties with each and every one of our multiple friends which was basically my entire social circle. After this happened I was extremely lonely and suffered from PTSD for months from the emotional abuse he caused me. For those of you who have ever been with a sociopath/psychopath/narassists you know how hard it is to struggle through the fog. But I got through it! Therapy and yoga saved me. I was finally recovering, I was ready to start dating again and ready to take on the world! I was however still insanely lonely. I craved being touched again and craved connections especially with men. This past Labor Day I went to a party with a friend. I met a guy there who I instantly connected with. We found out we had gone to the same school and so on. After talking for hours he asked me to go inside with him, we began to makeout. I loved it, it was the thing my body had been craving, I then gave him oral sex. He then pulled my pants down and pushed inside of me for literally 30 seconds or less. I stopped him and said "not without a condom." We ended the night then and I went home but since that night, that short little what I thought was a safe  hookup changed my life forever.. After the flu like symptoms pasted I started to feel the burn in my genitals.   After realizing I had H I did lots of research and thought "well this doesn't seem so bad! I've survived a stalked, I can survive this!!" but seven months later my opinion has greatly changed. This virus might be the thing that ends me. How can I keep pushing? I want a relationship so badly but I'm unable to have sex. I'm lonely and in pain. My body is not handling this virus well at all, my body is betraying me. I don't know why God has punished me life this when I've been through so much already.  I have one great friend who is always there for me. We went out last night for her birthday, it started out as a great night but at dinner her aunt spoke about having shingles, she  ended the conversation with "the worst part was having to pick up a herpies medication from the pharmacist!" The table burst out laughing while I slowly died inside. Again I'm not ashamed of having this virus, I'm simply in pain, I need a sign that tells me that things will eventually get better, that i'll one day walk down the aisle and one day have a family of my own but how will this ever happen if I can't start a relation because my body can no longer handle sex? Please help me get through this, I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting.  Please share any advice you may have. Thank you for reading. 

Edited April 16, 2017 by SnowAngel

[Whyyyyy]

First, I'm so sorry you're struggling so much! Everything I have read says it will get better with time, keep fighting although it's hard! You are SO loved!

For your discomfort have you tried coconut oil or manuka honey externally? I've also heard of a spray I think it starts with a "B"...I'll see if I can find the name! Hang in there!

 

xoxo

[Seeker1960]

Hi Snow, dont lose hope. You will overcome this and have a family. You are a good person and someone will love you for who your are. Never give up on your dream! 

[mjnrntr]

Hello Snowangel, Be strong and one thing i am very certain than anything else is you will be having a life you wanted and much more. You don't deserve what you are going through but shit happens.

Just a advice: forget about this website, forget about herpes and forget about everything about the past. Just work on your body, health, focus on your career and make sure you are mentally occupied all the time.  

[BoatyMcBoatface]

I haven't had an outbreak for 8-9 months and the only thing I've been using is Dr. Bronner's tea tree oil body wash there. Maybe that's the trick or they just stopped for other reasons.

A gym instructor was instructing a dance move in one of my classes with this kind of "push away" move and he said, "Act like, get away from me with your herpes". People don't realize they may be making jokes about something someone in the room has.

I'm at this age where I'm tired of dating and want to settle and get married,kids maybe too then last year I get GHSV2. Makes it a lot harder..

[WilsoInAus]

I am sorry to hear this @SnowAngel

It is the case though that you do not have genital herpes. Not that having genital herpes stops any dream at all.

This is your fear that needs to be confronted. Turn to God. Turn to Mum. Turn to a friend. All I can say is that the song is Turn, Turn, Turn for a reason.

Confront your fears. What do you fear about herpes? What do you fear about your negative results?

[Mackie82]

Hey snow , I am really sorry to hear that you are still in pian I have worse symptoms for the past 10 months which has not been changed. Now I have decided to get the varivax ( chickenpox) vaccine to see if it will help at least on my daily nightmare. This virus is tricky and cause deferent symptoms for each one. We are the unlucky ones  to suffer this way . Anyways if I do get the vax I will keep you update since it has work for some people who suffers bad HSV symptoms 

[Lisajd]

@SnowAngel when were you diagnosed and what type.  Remember the longer you have the virus you tend to have less symptoms.  It is also  probably your mindset that is adding to this situation.  Have you tried any meditation

[oldgal]

SnowAngel, your story is heartbreaking and I think all of us here can feel the pain you are suffering.  You don't mention that you have spoken to any doctors about the problem you have after sex - have you ever done so?  Have you ever considered perhaps talking to a professional counsellor?  I only ask this, because the first thing that strikes me when I read your post is that your physical symptoms sound a lot like emotional reactions, maybe to something or things that have been repressed/suppressed for a long time, or maybe just to the idea that you have in your mind that your life is basically over.  They do not sound like classical herpes (though I may be wrong).

One thing is for sure - actually two things - your body is not betraying you, nor is God punishing you.  Your mind is.  Often worries and anxieties manifest as physical symptoms.  I would strongly suggest you think about consulting someone who is trained in the ways of the mind.  When we have some semblance of control, life ticks over in a fairly manageable way.  When it has control of us, life becomes a nightmare and I feel this may be what is happening to you.  

I guess that you are a young woman and so there is no reason why you aren't in the running for a beautiful life ahead of you.  There's no reason also why you can't settle down and have a family like so many of us on here have done.  You deserve as much love and happiness as anyone else and it will come your way sooner or later.  Have you ever flown on a really overcast gloomy day, and the plane takes off and climbs until it gets above the clouds, and then there's the most gorgeous clear blue sky all around?  It was always there, just we couldn't see it for the clouds.  Life's a lot like that.  Lots of love to you and a big hug 

[SnowAngel]

Thank you so much everyone for the beautiful replies. I appreciate it so very much. My doctor put me on the Amitriptilyn to try to help the pain so I have been very open with the doctors. I'll. See if there is anything else they can do to help. I have a great therapist who got me through the Stalking  but I honestly think she doesn't even know what to do with me anymore lol mylife just keeps going further and further down hill. I didn't even mention that I was assaulted this past December toyou guys  it's just relly difficult to keep pushing onward. I'm so thankful for all your replies, I will take all of the advice to heart and your kind words mean so much to me. Thank you all! 

[Whyyyyy]

You seem like a really sweet person! I hope you start to feel better soon!

[oldgal]

58 minutes ago, SnowAngel said:

 mylife just keeps going further and further down hill. 

It can only go so far my love, and then you know what they say - the only way is UP!  I hope it starts for you real soon 

[SnowAngel]

Thank you guys so much! You've made my Easter a lot better already  you both seem like amazing women too. Let's hope good things are on the way for all of us. 

[Whyyyyy]

Where are you from snow?

[SnowAngel]

I'm from Buffalo, NY! 

[Wintergirl]

Hello SnowAngel....your message has resonated with me deeply. I too, was in a bad relationship with a narcissist. I find myself making a daily decision to push through the fog and heartbreak of my past experiences. Some days are better than others and I've found that the best way to get by is to share my story as you've done and to be supported and loved by others who understand.

You will absolutely meet a wonderful partner one day....try not to let your inner demons take over by instilling fear and worry and doubt in your heart. Love and faith always prevails. I do hope you can find some comfort for your physical symptoms. If you ever need to talk things out...would love to help.

All the best.

[SnowAngel]

Thank you so much Winter! I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult time as well. I found that yoga and a good therapist helped greatly after my breakup. I promise you it does get better! It took about a year but you will get through this!  

[Just want to move on.]

On 2017-4-15 at 6:01 PM, SnowAngel said:

Hi everyone I've honestly been wondering how much longer I can keep pushing forward in life. My dream in life was to get married and have a family, I honestly don't know if this is a possibility anymore.  I'm not nervous about disclosing or ashamed of having this virus I simply cannot have sex without it causing extreme Vulva burning (my typical OB symptom) it literally feels like I have shingles in my vagina. I'm already on Amitriplyn which helps slightly but doesn't work as well as I have hoped. Will this eventually die down? I'm already on daily Valtrex, Vit C, Olive Leaf, Lysine and magnesium. Anyway life is really pushing me down. A few years ago I began dating a friend of a friend , he was an amazing man, my Prince Charming had finally found me! We got extremely close emotionally and physically although we never had actual sex (I was still a virgin and wanted to wait). The relationship ended suddenly when I found out he was also dating a married women. I was heartbroken but tried to move on. After I left him my computer and phone started acting up. Long story short he was hacking me. He also started stalking me. The police got involved, I found out he had a double life, was a drug dealer and had even drugged me (times when I remember blacking out & not being able to move my legs all made sense) The police encouraged me to cut ties with each and every one of our multiple friends which was basically my entire social circle. After this happened I was extremely lonely and suffered from PTSD for months from the emotional abuse he caused me. For those of you who have ever been with a sociopath/psychopath/narassists you know how hard it is to struggle through the fog. But I got through it! Therapy and yoga saved me. I was finally recovering, I was ready to start dating again and ready to take on the world! I was however still insanely lonely. I craved being touched again and craved connections especially with men. This past Labor Day I went to a party with a friend. I met a guy there who I instantly connected with. We found out we had gone to the same school and so on. After talking for hours he asked me to go inside with him, we began to makeout. I loved it, it was the thing my body had been craving, I then gave him oral sex. He then pulled my pants down and pushed inside of me for literally 30 seconds or less. I stopped him and said "not without a condom." We ended the night then and I went home but since that night, that short little what I thought was a safe  hookup changed my life forever.. After the flu like symptoms pasted I started to feel the burn in my genitals.   After realizing I had H I did lots of research and thought "well this doesn't seem so bad! I've survived a stalked, I can survive this!!" but seven months later my opinion has greatly changed. This virus might be the thing that ends me. How can I keep pushing? I want a relationship so badly but I'm unable to have sex. I'm lonely and in pain. My body is not handling this virus well at all, my body is betraying me. I don't know why God has punished me life this when I've been through so much already.  I have one great friend who is always there for me. We went out last night for her birthday, it started out as a great night but at dinner her aunt spoke about having shingles, she  ended the conversation with "the worst part was having to pick up a herpies medication from the pharmacist!" The table burst out laughing while I slowly died inside. Again I'm not ashamed of having this virus, I'm simply in pain, I need a sign that tells me that things will eventually get better, that i'll one day walk down the aisle and one day have a family of my own but how will this ever happen if I can't start a relation because my body can no longer handle sex? Please help me get through this, I don't know how much longer I can keep fighting.  Please share any advice you may have. Thank you for reading. 

I am so very very sorry you feel like this. My heart goes out to you and I wish you all the best and wish you a speedy recovery. As for the pain, I can relate.....its nearly soul destroying, nearly. There is life after this, just keep moving forward Snow. I'm about to try a few different things will let you know how I get on.