the ins and outs of online dating

[Stillme1968]

I got divorced in 2012 after being married for twenty years. At first, I was looking forward to seeing what was out there. I started caring again about myself, eating better, exercising. I got back into school to finish my degree. I even went to counseling to help me sort out what it was I was missing in my marriage and what it was I needed in a relationship. I signed up online and made a few profiles on mainstream dating sites and began the process of messaging back and forth with people. I texted, talked on phone and met a few for dinner and a walk in the park. Then I got the phone call..you know the ONE. From the man I was married to for twenty years, from the father of my children who swore he loved me above all others but also telling me to go get tested to find out and though they ( the doctors) could not tell me when I was exposed they could tell me that I did indeed carry the antibodies for the virus. I was in a kind of dazed stupor for quite some time. I wondered what to do about my dating profiles and the carefully chosen pics that were showing me in a favorable light. The witty but charming profile that I worked to hard to create. My life was put in a holding pattern and has remained there ever since. Messages would continue to come in at times, if I were feeling generous I might respond. I would quickly cut it off after only a message or two. Why? because I became an expert at zooming in on their faults and spotting those red flags and weeding em out left and right. Zap there goes that one he was married and divorced twice! Zoom there goes that one he mispelled two words in his profile and has a picture of himself deer hunting. I was of course, convincing myself the entire time of my own intelligence and patting myself on the back over how particular I had become. I have only recently had an epiphany moment over what I was really doing. What are my choices then? to make a new profile on the main dating sites saying openly and honestly what I have? I have been on dating forums as an avid poster for years and know exactly how the word herpes is thrown around. I know exactly how most respond with repulsion and derision upon hearing that word. It suddently becomes the one word that defines the sum total of who you are as a human being.

 Where does that leave me?  I could try my hand at sites specifically tailored and marketed for std's. oh goody and so once again I took flattering pictures and labored over the words chosen for my profile only to find that the major sites catering to people with herpes and their affiliated ones may not actually be authentic and seem to send out flirts and winks and messages that may not be real. Dead profiles that were not deleted in order to give the illusion that they have a large number of members. Forums that have the same five posters posting in all the threads that are either paid moderators or paid free lance writers. The members that were real that did respond seem to think that because I have this virus I somehow no longer should have the right to turn down their advances, have morals or values or be particular with whom it is I chose to meet. I am supposed to be 'flattered' just because someone is willing to meet up with me and should be thankful enough to throw my skirt up and welcome any and all who wanna hop on board and take a ride..almost reminds me of the weeding out I had to do on the mainstream sites..like a bar at closing time only this time, the regulars all have something in common..so it seems I am at a crossroads in my life. How about you?

Edited April 20, 2017 by Stillme1968

[KayBallard]

So much truth in this post. 

[Stillme1968]

thank you. I decided to take down my profile from a popular H dating site. I refuse to pay just to send a message to someone. I still kept it up on a couple of lesser known sites. I also put one up on OK cupid stating my status for all to see and leaving it up to the reader as to whether or not he wants to contact me

[KayBallard]

$50 a month literally just to send someone a message on Positive Singles. The creator of that site is pure evil! 

[fixme1]

its full of fake profiles and dodgey ones too.

[Stillme1968]

33 minutes ago, fixme1 said:

its full of fake profiles and dodgey ones too.

so and so likes you send them a message

would you like to see who likes you? upgrade

so and so winked at you send them a message oops gotta upgrade first

 

 

soooooooooo if you guys would stop yanking my chain? that would be great 

[K_Sock]

3 hours ago, KayBallard said:

$50 a month literally just to send someone a message on Positive Singles. The creator of that site is pure evil! 

I'm not sure you understand bussiness... It's expensive because it's soo niche and they have plenty of expenses in driving traffic to the site. That is, would you rather there be a free dating site with no one on it, or pay $50/month on a site where there are plenty of real people? I'm in marketing and could develop a site just like positive singles, but I assure you there would be costs I need to cover and it would be tough building a user base without cash flow. 

It would be nice if it was like $10/month but I'm sure there price point is high because it needs to be. I can tell you that positive singles is not really making anyone filthy rich -- definitely nowhere near comparable to spending $50 to go to a concert to make some horrible celebrity millions more.

 

[LiveLife100]

@Stillme1968 - are you on any of the FB groups? A lot of them are set up by location and there are national ones too. They aren't explicitly for dating but I think there are some of those too. But a great way to meet others and hear about events, etc. 

[Stillme1968]

29 minutes ago, LiveLife100 said:

@Stillme1968 - are you on any of the FB groups? A lot of them are set up by location and there are national ones too. They aren't explicitly for dating but I think there are some of those too. But a great way to meet others and hear about events, etc. 

as matter of fact I was ..for like a week

the main one I found to be filled with helpful people there for support but also..for me

not so helpful and here is why: I was diagnosed four years ago now. I have gotten over the initial shock of it and I have no symptoms. 

 

the local groups around me ....picture a tumblweed rolling thru....

nobody there 

and besides..not sure I 'get' this whole concept

of a group of strangers all getting together with one thing in common

like group therapy or one of those old grandma travel groups..

[snippy43]

3 minutes ago, Stillme1968 said:

as matter of fact I was ..for like a week

the main one I found to be filled with helpful people there for support but also..for me

not so helpful and here is why: I was diagnosed four years ago now. I have gotten over the initial shock of it and I have no symptoms. 

 

the local groups around me ....picture a tumblweed rolling thru....

nobody there 

and besides..not sure I 'get' this whole concept

of a group of strangers all getting together with one thing in common

like group therapy or one of those old grandma travel groups..

your mindset sounds familiar and your story has some similarities.  however, i haven't tried the online sites you've referenced as i figured your description would be the experience.  also, I've never used dating assistance in the past so why start now?  i look forward to meeting new people and enjoying the friendship - let's have a beer and shoot the shit.  if sparks fly, wonderful.  if not, i wasn't looking anyway.  i have plenty of things to occupy my time and after years of marriage, i rather enjoy my independence.  you sound (read) like an independent, educated woman who will be fine regardless of relationship status.  confidence is attractive - no need for online help.  it'll happen naturally at some point, doesn't it always?

[Stillme1968]

2 hours ago, snippy43 said:

your mindset sounds familiar and your story has some similarities.  however, i haven't tried the online sites you've referenced as i figured your description would be the experience.  also, I've never used dating assistance in the past so why start now?  i look forward to meeting new people and enjoying the friendship - let's have a beer and shoot the shit.  if sparks fly, wonderful.  if not, i wasn't looking anyway.  i have plenty of things to occupy my time and after years of marriage, i rather enjoy my independence.  you sound (read) like an independent, educated woman who will be fine regardless of relationship status.  confidence is attractive - no need for online help.  it'll happen naturally at some point, doesn't it always?

2 hours ago, snippy43 said:

your mindset sounds familiar and your story has some similarities.  however, i haven't tried the online sites you've referenced as i figured your description would be the experience.  also, I've never used dating assistance in the past so why start now?  i look forward to meeting new people and enjoying the friendship - let's have a beer and shoot the shit.  if sparks fly, wonderful.  if not, i wasn't looking anyway.  i have plenty of things to occupy my time and after years of marriage, i rather enjoy my independence.  you sound (read) like an independent, educated woman who will be fine regardless of relationship status.  confidence is attractive - no need for online help.  it'll happen naturally at some point, doesn't it always?

hmmmm could be I am not meant for the online dating world

it's a bit like buying a used car online

yes tis true we all have a few bumps, dings and may not go quite as fast as we used to

might take a bit more warming up as we get older

but..

just because you read the ad online and it looks all bright and shiny

does not mean ya buy it without test driving it or taking a look under the hood

at least I hope not

 

online dating is an odd thing to me..people sending likes and winks and messaging back and forth

sometimes for weeks and then the phone calls and the texts 

and the problem is

that they fall in love with this image they have created of who they think this person is gonna be

and then ...they meet

and cannot figure out why there are no bells and whistles going off

3 hours ago, LiveLife100 said:

@Stillme1968 - are you on any of the FB groups? A lot of them are set up by location and there are national ones too. They aren't explicitly for dating but I think there are some of those too. But a great way to meet others and hear about events, etc. 

as matter of fact I was ..for like a week

the main one I found to be filled with helpful people there for support but also..for me

not so helpful and here is why: I was diagnosed four years ago now. I have gotten over the initial shock of it and I have no symptoms. 

 

the local groups around me ....picture a tumblweed rolling thru....

nobody there 

and besides..not sure I 'get' this whole concept

of a group of strangers all getting together with one thing in common

like group therapy or one of those old grandma travel groups..

[snippy43]

2 hours ago, Stillme1968 said:

hmmmm could be I am not meant for the online dating world

it's a bit like buying a used car online

yes tis true we all have a few bumps, dings and may not go quite as fast as we used to

might take a bit more warming up as we get older

but..

just because you read the ad online and it looks all bright and shiny

does not mean ya buy it without test driving it or taking a look under the hood

at least I hope not

 

online dating is an odd thing to me..people sending likes and winks and messaging back and forth

sometimes for weeks and then the phone calls and the texts 

and the problem is

that they fall in love with this image they have created of who they think this person is gonna be

and then ...they meet

and cannot figure out why there are no bells and whistles going off

like i said, "let's have a beer and shoot the shit".  no pressure.  if sparks fly, great.  if not, you may come away with a new friend to hang with

[Stillme1968]

update on my experience on PS

in past few weeks I have numerous winks and requests for pictures but very few actual messages. why? because you must be a paying member to send a message. I decided to check out there forum and blog section. I have now spent enough time in the blog section to walk away
a bit disappointed but not surprised
obivious that many of the regulars are professional bloggers/wrters
that have written these blogs for other sites and are posting here
either as moderators , paid freelancers or given free membership to do so
same group of people starting/answering most threads
not unusual..I see it in most dating site forums
the same kind of threads on politics, news and then
there are the instagator threads thrown out there
in order to illicit an emotional response from readers
not surprised just a bit disappointed to see the same thing here
sad thing is...that the real ones that do stumble on here 
hoping for support, encouragement seem to be ignored

[Lisajd]

Personally I don't even bother with positive singles I get plenty of activity off the other free dating sites and I don't have an issue with disclosing.  I too found positive singles a waste of time and I know other people who also feel the same way

[wildman]

Online dating is just a way to get a real-world date from a large pool of people you can filter based on somewhat dubious self-reported information. Used correctly, it can help you you spend your limited "dating" time more efficiently. You should be going on the real-world date right away, though, so you don't waste time on someone who looks good online, but who in real life isn't worth it. The whole point is to have a big pool of people to filter, though.

Disclose like it's no big deal at about date 3 or 4 (after you think they are into you and vice-versa, but before you get into bed with them). If they walk away it's no big deal - no one should fall apart if someone rejects them after 3 or 4 dates, that happens to people who go on dates.

It also helps if you say when disclosing that the risk is minimal and no greater than it would be with anyone else as long as standard precautions are taken (which is largely true), and that you are always careful and take precautions (which should be true).

PS or any specialized dating site, seems just counter-productive. Why limit your options by excluding practically everyone? Much better to have a large pool of applicants and cast a wider net. You will almost always end up rejecting other people much more than you get rejected, it's just the nature of the business. Just try to be nice about it. To ditch someone nicely but firmly after a few dates, and you know they like you more than you like them, you can always just text and tell a fib like "Please accept my apologies, but I need to break things off. My ex came back into my life unexpectedly and we decided we are going to give things another shot" - hard to argue with that one.

[Stillme1968]

4 hours ago, Lisajd said:

Personally I don't even bother with positive singles I get plenty of activity off the other free dating sites and I don't have an issue with disclosing.  I too found positive singles a waste of time and I know other people who also feel the same way

I have taken a look at HWERKS seems like a ghost town though now I am a lifetime member..many of other ones are affiliated with PS so they are run the same way. I have accounts on OK and POF ...though I think I just picked up a virus on that one..won't load my profile page or mail. 

[Stillme1968]

think the reasoning behind going to a H positive site for dating is so that you do not have to have 'the talk' with anyone but can openly state in your profile what you are diagnosed with. You still might have others that have a different kind than you do . You might be HSV2 and the other person may be HSV1 or may actually have HPV or HIV then you must decide if the risk of exposure is worth it. 

[Lisajd]

I agree that you don't have to have the Disclosure discussion but in my view I don't even have a talk I just simply stated as it is but remember that it is more difficult for guys to be accepted then women so most of them or just probably b******* you and tell you that you want a relationship when in fact they just want to get a shag and they know that they don't have to worry about disclosing and being rejected

[wildman]

Most people have no idea what someone who is "disclosing" is talking about - most of the time, if the "discloser" makes it seem like not a big deal, and they are just being extra-careful and respectful of the other person, then it's not a big deal.

Disclose it the same way you would if you had a medical procedure that might affect your fertility a little bit, so a partner might want to know about it, but the situation is usually not a big deal - like if you had to have one of your testicles or ovaries removed at some point in the past - "hey, this situation exists, just so you know, but the risk of future problems is low, just wanted to tell you so you are aware of it."  Not something most people talk about every day, not cocktail party conversation, not 1st date conversation, but also not really a big deal.

[Whyyyyy]

1 hour ago, wildman said:

Most people have no idea what someone who is "disclosing" is talking about - most of the time, if the "discloser" makes it seem like not a big deal, and they are just being extra-careful and respectful of the other person, then it's not a big deal.

Disclose it the same way you would if you had a medical procedure that might affect your fertility a little bit, so a partner might want to know about it, but the situation is usually not a big deal - like if you had to have one of your testicles or ovaries removed at some point in the past - "hey, this situation exists, just so you know, but the risk of future problems is low, just wanted to tell you so you are aware of it."  Not something most people talk about every day, not cocktail party conversation, not 1st date conversation, but also not really a big deal.

For me H isn't a big deal physically...I just worry it would be for a partner who got it from me. I would feel terrible!

Edited June 30, 2017 by Whyyyyy

[hitkid]

You have a pretty toxic way of thinking about dating to be honest. Getting rid of guys because they miss spelled two words, or for holding emotional baggage that is on the same levels as yours, but different circumstance is kind of an indicator of that.

Your problem isn't herpes. Adults have herpes and are usually fine disclosing with a person they care about. To be honest, most of the time I believe that people turn others down with herpes because the person has an underlying problem that they don't want to deal with; eg personality faults, or disregard for ones own appearance. Your problem is the standards you place on other people and now you are placing those same standards on yourself which has brought you to this "crossroads" period. You have to inflict the same standard on yourself as you did on men and it is becoming toxic too you. I can't reason with why someone would want to date someone that would hold those standards in the first place to be a little bit to honest.

I wouldn't waste my time on someone that said they were getting rid of men for those reasons you did. I know that person would hold standards that I could never amount up too and why try? My hobbies, romantic baggage and english skills all being under scrutiny by a person who feels like I would be lucky to get to know them? What better way to try and kill a persons confidence. 

[Stillme1968]

hahhaa..was this for me?

easy there darling

what I was doing is called self sabotage

the epiphany came when realizing why I was being so harsh and quick to judge

why do you suppose someone would do that? keep barriers up and come up with excuses as to why none are quite good enough to date?

 

I apologize if that was not clear in my post. I am if nothing else quite self aware

[wildman]

6 hours ago, Whyyyyy said:

For me H isn't a big deal physically...I just worry it would be for a partner who got it from me. I would feel terrible!

The risk is low enough that it's not worth worrying about - if you take precautions the risk is only very slightly above the average replacement person + precautions (if the other person switched to some other partner of unknown status, but still used condoms every time).  And you would be significantly less risky than the average replacement person if condoms were not used every time with a replacement person. Condoms are more effective at preventing male-to-female transmission (95%) than the other way around (better than 60% at least), but they are significantly effective at reducing risk.  An H+ female (who knows about it, takes Valtrex, uses condoms) could have sex 2x per week for 100 years straight with an H- male, and she would be statistically most likely to NOT pass it on - that's longer than most lifetimes, never-mind active sex lives. For a male-to-female scenario, it's even longer. It's more likely there would be a cure invented, before it would ever be passed on. Indeed, even if a cure was never found, the people involved in this scenario would likely die of old age before it would get passed on.

Additionally, since 15-20% of people who might theoretically replace you would have H already (but not know it), and because such people don't always use condoms, you would probably not be doing anyone a "favor" by holding yourself back. If condoms weren't used every time with other partners, but were in your case, then you would be (by far) the less risky option.

Of course, sitting on the sidelines would generally allow any person to coddle their psyche - if they passed on dating opportunities, then they wouldn't have to think or talk about disclosing things . . . But it does seem like that sort of an approach might incur some pretty significant costs over the long run . . .

Edited June 30, 2017 by wildman