My first disclosure...and I lived to tell about it.

[aliceinwonderland]

So, I began dating someone recently...and my biggest worry was how/when to disclose, and the obvious fear of being humiliated.

Despite the advice I have been given here to only do it in person, I chose to do it via text. I did this because he was planning on coming over to stay the night, and he lives two hours away. I was worried about his reaction and didn't want to make things worse by him driving two hours, hearing this terrible news, getting upset, and having to drive all the way back. Because that's how I played it out in my head. So, I decided to inform him ahead of time to save himself the drive time, because I fully expected him to bail out.

He didn't bail. While he did express some concerns on how it would completely change his life if he got it, and what-not, he still came and stayed the night with me. And we did get intimate. Twice. I am a little confused that he did show quite a bit of concern originally, but then had zero issue sleeping together. (unprotected, even...) Apart of me has been worried all day with 'what if I do pass it to him?', etc. But, I know that I did my part in telling him, and he chose to initiate and take the risk. I am thankful he handled it the way he did, and didn't leave me scarred my first time disclosing. It was a huge relief for me, and a realization that maybe, just maybe, this isn't going to be the life-changer I expected it to be.

It was so completely opposite of what I was expecting. Even reading all these stories of people just shrugging it off and seeming not minding...I didn't buy it. But, that's essentially what he did. And I am so relieved. 

[Lisajd]

Good to hear. The proof will be in him following through again... from my perspective if I have had 80% acceptance .  I have said before that you don't make assumptions because you don't know the other persons circumstances nor how they view it.  I always text someone because I don't know them well enough to actually tell them in the same with you if the person with two hours drive I certainly wouldn't want to be telling them in person.   Did you actually have a conversation with him about whether he gets cold sores or has ever been tested for herpes

[aliceinwonderland]

4 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

Good to hear. The proof will be in him following through again... from my perspective if I have had 80% acceptance .  I have said before that you don't make assumptions because you don't know the other persons circumstances nor how they view it.  I always text someone because I don't know them well enough to actually tell them in the same with you if the person with two hours drive I certainly wouldn't want to be telling them in person.   Did you actually have a conversation with him about whether he gets cold sores or has ever been tested for herpes

Once he got here, we talked a little about it. He said he actually knew a couple girls with it, and has dated one girl with it before, but that he has been tested, and never got it from her. So, It was comforting for me, to know he's actually kind of been in this situation already. You're right, you never really know how someone else views it or what their circumstances are. 

 

[Lisajd]

4 hours ago, aliceinwonderland said:

Once he got here, we talked a little about it. He said he actually knew a couple girls with it, and has dated one girl with it before, but that he has been tested, and never got it from her. So, It was comforting for me, to know he's actually kind of been in this situation already. You're right, you never really know how someone else views it or what their circumstances are. 

 

Thats really encouraging.  When I was first diagnosed I also spoke to two people and they said they have dated someone with it as well and didn't care

[BumbleBee22]

It sounds like it went really well for you. You have done your part, and he chose to go ahead with you, and why shouldn't he you're an amazing person! As for him choosing to have unprotected sex, again that's on his insistence I assume. Being educated about the virus definitely helps, knowing about transmission rates and how anti vitals can reduce this too. 

I have only recently been diagnosed and have been feeling really down about it. I have been seeing someone whilst going through this and he has been really nice about it, but was scared to get tested himself but I have pushed him to do get tested as I feel like he needs to know if he has it... he could have even given it to me and just not known he had it. He doesn't see me any differently and nothing has changed in that aspect. I am still healing so we haven't had sex since I found out but I assume our sex life will resume as it was once I am fully recovered. I have been worried about having to disclose to future partners if it doesn't work out with this guy.... and have been feeling low and my self worth has plummeted. But I found that talking about it with him and getting it off my chest about how I'm feeling has helped me a lot in general. I feel like in general if you own it, and realise how common it is, and do not make it a life shattering diagnosis then most people you tell will take this queue from you. It's not going to stop doing anything in life unless I let it I suppose. 

Hearing stories like yours definitely help to enforce this mindset and make me feel better as I feel that a lot of the discussion around it on the internet are doom and gloom. 

If anything I feel like this virus will make me more conscious about sexual partners and my health, and probably push me to engage in more honest and open adult conversations with people. Isn't it funny that people feel so devastated about a cold sore on their genitalia??? Like that is literally all that it is.  

Anyone who can't understand that or rejects you in a horrible way because of it is just a little immature or a little self absorbed in my opinion. 

Glsd you had a positive experience with a disclosure! I look forward to reading about more positive disclosures as I feel in general, that is how it will be for people! 

[dont quit!17]

That is really cool!