Angry and looking for ways to cope

[Depressed16]

I'm just here to vent and share my story with whoever is willing to listen(or read) and those who can relate.

 

So I was talking to/dating this guy not too long ago. We used to hang out a lot and have sex every once in a while. Sex wasn't something that I really wanted from him, but just continued because he wanted to. I asked him whether he got tested;when was the last time he got tested,etc.. He told me he got tested and didn't have anything. He didn't show me any documentation proving his statement, so I had no reason to believe him. I still wanted him to use a condom; I suspected he had something anyway.

But about a month into us talking, during sex, I happened to turn around and noticed he had taken the condom off. Initially, I didn't know how to react; I did not want to catch anything from him. I didn't say anything. I couldn't believe he took the condom off; I never agreed to unprotected sex .. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS ?!!!!!!! (He even asked to not use protection again afterwards and I said no of course) I felt so much regret, I don't know why I even agreed to sex with him if I suspected he had something. But I just brushed it off.. the only thing I could do at that point was get tested. Which I did of course and everything (not including herpes) came back negative.

I noticed about 3 weeks after he didn't use protection, some kind of sore or whatever it was. It wasn't itchy or painful or anything. But it did look suspicious, it was something I never had before. I suspected herpes immediately... but since it didn't hurt or anything I just concluded that it was from shaving and being on my period. It cleared up before I knew it (it was less than a week; a few days maybe). But anyways I got even more suspicious as the months went on with these little skin abrasions. But long story short, I finally got tested for hsv, and came back positive. He knew he had it the whole time but was willing to take the risk with me. If I'd known he took the condom off, I would've made him get another.I had no idea he had herpes. He even had the nerve to say I was disrespecting him for accusing him of giving it to me. NO he disrespected me by NOT using protection. It's been months since I found this out, and I'm still miserable and angry with him. I never had an STD before and this is really affecting my self-esteem. I've looked online to find peace and assurance that I'll be ok... but all I've found was negativity. People say the most awful things about herpes and people who have it. Some people make herpes out to be worse than it really is. I don't even think half of those people even know what herpes is honestly because of their ignorant remarks. I'm not promiscuous, or a sl*t or anything similar. I don't have blistering sores all over my privates.. I rarely ever get symptoms and when I do, I barely notice them (outside of the itching) The symptoms don't even bother me; what bothers me is how people will view me and how this is affecting my current relationship and how this will affect future ones. I have to live with this life long infection because of him. I'm only  19(going on 20). I got this from the second guy I was with. Me and my boyfriend were broken up at the time.

 

What should I do? How should I handle this situation? How do I get over these feelings of anger? I've thought of just waiting outside his house for him to come out and bashing his face in with a metal bat. That would definitely help with some of my anger!!!!!!! I just want him to suffer for what he did to me.

Edited April 24, 2017 by BriAmazed

[Dreamer10]

First, I am sorry that you are experiencing this. I truly understand every emotion.  I found out almost 5 years ago and one thing that amazes me the most is just how much little people know about Herpes.  I too was ignorant. For instance, I know you are beating yourself up about the condom incident BUT guess what, though condoms protect you against many STDs, Herpes is not one of them. I didn't know that until it was too late.  You have every right to be upset about removal of the condom, that was a violation in itself however you have to forgive yourself about that incident.  

Also, because the enigma which is Herpes sometimes it's hard to know where you got it from.  There are many cases of dormancy and asymptotic symptoms (me) that reveal themselves later which make it hard to pinpoint a giver.  It's possibly him but again it's counterproductive for you to contain all the negative emotion for him. I know because I have been there so believe me when I say I understand.  You have every risk to be highly part.   Every time I see someone who I think is possibly my  giver I want to use the same bat you had in mind but I can't do time, lol. 

I have had every emotion you detailed and some moments I get down after that passes I still have Herpes so I keep moving and learn to live with it.  

Pleae protect your self from the woes of the internet because the uneducated comments will have you a mess.  Like you said, most people commenting don't know much like you can wear a condom and get it, you don't always get sores or your giver unbeknownst to you could be three exes ago. On many open forums I want to comment but don't because I would out myself.  I found out in 2012 and it alarms me how a site like this one get more and more cases daily because many really only know Herpes by the jokes that are told about it.  That Sucks!!

 Unfortunately, there are risk involved with sex and people aren't always honest.  It is messed up, it hurts like he$$ and sometimes I want to kick and scream IT'S NOT FAIR and some days I want to punch my giver in the throat but I refuse to let my charges be "Battery after he gave her herpes" (sorry just being silly)

But seriously, I pray you feel better soon!  

[cantdoit]

8 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I'm just here to vent and share my story with whoever is willing to listen(or read) and those who can relate.

 

So I was talking to/dating this guy not too long ago. We used to hang out a lot and have sex every once in a while. Sex wasn't something that I really wanted from him, but just continued because he wanted to. I asked him whether he got tested;when was the last time he got tested,etc.. He told me he got tested and didn't have anything. He didn't show me any documentation proving his statement, so I had no reason to believe him. I still wanted him to use a condom; I suspected he had something anyway.

But about a month into us talking, during sex, I happened to turn around and noticed he had taken the condom off. Initially, I didn't know how to react; I did not want to catch anything from him. I didn't say anything. I couldn't believe he took the condom off; I never agreed to unprotected sex .. WHY WOULD HE DO THIS ?!!!!!!! (He even asked to not use protection again afterwards and I said no of course) I felt so much regret, I don't know why I even agreed to sex with him if I suspected he had something. But I just brushed it off.. the only thing I could do at that point was get tested. Which I did of course and everything (not including herpes) came back negative.

I noticed about 3 weeks after he didn't use protection, some kind of sore or whatever it was. It wasn't itchy or painful or anything. But it did look suspicious, it was something I never had before. I suspected herpes immediately... but since it didn't hurt or anything I just concluded that it was from shaving and being on my period. It cleared up before I knew it (it was less than a week; a few days maybe). But anyways I got even more suspicious as the months went on with these little skin abrasions. But long story short, I finally got tested for hsv, and came back positive. He knew he had it the whole time but was willing to take the risk with me. If I'd known he took the condom off, I would've made him get another.I had no idea he had herpes. He even had the nerve to say I was disrespecting him for accusing him of giving it to me. NO he disrespected me by NOT using protection. It's been months since I found this out, and I'm still miserable and angry with him. I never had an STD before and this is really affecting my self-esteem. I've looked online to find peace and assurance that I'll be ok... but all I've found was negativity. People say the most awful things about herpes and people who have it. Some people make herpes out to be worse than it really is. I don't even think half of those people even know what herpes is honestly because of their ignorant remarks. I'm not promiscuous, or a !*@* or anything similar. I don't have blistering sores all over my privates.. I rarely ever get symptoms and when I do, I barely notice them (outside of the itching) The symptoms don't even bother me; what bothers me is how people will view me and how this is affecting my current relationship and how this will affect future ones. I have to live with this life long infection because of him. I'm only  19(going on 20). I got this from the second guy I was with. Me and my boyfriend were broken up at the time.

 

What should I do? How should I handle this situation? How do I get over these feelings of anger? I've thought of just waiting outside his house for him to come out and bashing his face in with a metal bat. That would definitely help with some of my anger!!!!!!! I just want him to suffer for what he did to me.

Beat him with the bat. 

[LillianPanos]

@BriAmazed Don't hit him. My giver didnt know he had but when he found out I had it he was happy he thought that this would make me stay with him he was in love with me.  I talked to him a few times afterwards but parted ways and havent spoke with him in over 6 months. I have been tempted to call him but do not want him anymore. I am with the best man ever now. I would suggest you continue to take care of yourself and move on. I understand your anger, I am madat myself for this too, but I have forgiven him and continue to forgive myself.  I agree venting/talking is good!

[Lauren125638]

My heart goes out to you, it's not a great feeling finding out. I got diagnosed yesterday, although I didn't have the anger cause I don't know who my giver is and even if I did anger is an emotion I don't feel for long. I know it's hard to think positively but having this isn't the worst thing in the world. Most people go through life not knowing they have it. We just know, and can take proper precautions. I have the mindset that it is essentially just a skin condition that flares up when I'm stressed or have a weakened immune system. I know that might not help with the anger, and you have every right to be angry that he took the condom off without your consent (be angry with that), but he just might not have know that he had it. 

[Depressed16]

@Lauren125638 I know that there are things that are much worse than this. The condition itself is not what bothers me... this has ruin my self-esteem, my relationship, and whatever possible relationships I'll have in the future. I'm 99.9% sure he knew he had it the whole time. It would be so much easier to forgive, accept and move on if he didn't know he had it. But my anger towards him is keeping me from doing so. I would rather be in your situation where I don't know who my giver is.

[Lauren125638]

@BriAmazed I understand completely, it doesn't have to  ruin any of that. With your current relationship and future relationships it just takes explaining it. If the other person won't even listen to you and let you explain then thats their fault, i feel that a lot of people freak out when they hear you have this because of the stigma. 

This is going to sound weird, but maybe don't try and forgive him? Like eventually you may, but you're feeling like this for a reason, so let yourself feel this way. You can still accept that you have it though and move on, but if you want to feel anger then feel it. Don't try rushing the process of the forgiving though.

[Depressed16]

@Dreamer10 I've read your post like ten times lol . But you've really helped me feel a lot better about this. I was really contemplating on having some guys I know confront him, but that certainly wouldn't solve anything or change the fact that I have it.

[Depressed16]

@Lauren125638 You really think this won't ruin any of my relationships ? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone with herpes... unless they're ok with catching it at some point. Most men will run the other way regardless of how understanding and/or how educated he is.

I don't think I could ever forgive Him for this. What he did was completely selfish and inconsiderate. 

[Lauren125638]

@BriAmazed Most people are just scared of the name. If someone wants to be with you they will despite this and as long as your honest with them then its their choice. Ive talked to so many people on here that are in relationships. Either they have it and their partner doesn't or their partner has it and they don't. Some of them have been together for years and they haven't caught it from the other. 

Some may not want to risk it, some may. It doesn't have to be your opening line when you meet a guy. But if you guys get to know each other, he may still want to "risk it". I personally don't think its that big of a risk. Cause it's not that dangerous, and most people don't even show symptoms. 

You don't have to forgive him if you don't want to, but know that while he could have 100% known and did the dick move of not telling you, he may not have know. You'll never know the truth of that. 

[cantdoit]

49 minutes ago, BriAmazed said:

@Lauren125638 You really think this won't ruin any of my relationships ? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone with herpes... unless they're ok with catching it at some point. Most men will run the other way regardless of how understanding and/or how educated he is.

I don't think I could ever forgive Him for this. What he did was completely selfish and inconsiderate. 

He's a sociopath. Take a bat to him

[cantdoit]

1 hour ago, BriAmazed said:

@Lauren125638 I know that there are things that are much worse than this. The condition itself is not what bothers me... this has ruin my self-esteem, my relationship, and whatever possible relationships I'll have in the future. I'm 99.9% sure he knew he had it the whole time. It would be so much easier to forgive, accept and move on if he didn't know he had it. But my anger towards him is keeping me from doing so. I would rather be in your situation where I don't know who my giver is.

My giver knew too. I made him lose his job. It felt great. 

[Depressed16]

6 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

My giver knew too. I made him lose his job. It felt great. 

I'm sure doing that didn't solve anything. At the end of the day you still have it and always will. Sorry if that was a little harsh...

[cantdoit]

5 minutes ago, BriAmazed said:

I'm sure doing that didn't solve anything. At the end of the day you still have it and always will. Sorry if that was a little harsh...

Actually it felt great. He has no job and now can't get one because he can't get a reference. You never know when you knowingly infect another how they'll react. Only a sociopath would intentionally give someone an incurable virus. 

[Dreamer10]

@BriAmazed, Haha! Sorry, I was typing  on my phone so I apologize for the errors. I was trying to make you laugh a little.  But, I understand your feelings.  I think my giver knew but I can't be sure.  I know first hand what a blow of getting a Herpes diagnosis is so I am not sure if he knew and went about it all wrong. I am still working on forgiveness with him. Like you said, the stigma, the mental breakdown and others negative comments are the hardest part.  I know you probably don't feel it now but it does get better and you ill find a man one day who will see YOU and not herpes.  It's a few young ladies on the site who got Herpes at 19/20 and they will tell you they continue to date. 

[Lisajd]

2 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

@Lauren125638 You really think this won't ruin any of my relationships ? Who would want to be in a relationship with someone with herpes... unless they're ok with catching it at some point. Most men will run the other way regardless of how understanding and/or how educated he is.

I don't think I could ever forgive Him for this. What he did was completely selfish and inconsiderate. 

@BriAmazedEverybody seems to assume that no one will want them because they have herpes.  Have you actually tried to date since.  If not how do you know that the next person does not actually has herpes themselves or does not have a problem with it.  What you are doing is actually counterproductive and that is because you are reading all the wrong websites if you go to a reputable website you will see that there is no reason that you cannot have a relationship.  Believe me when I found out I thought that no one would want to date me but I was so wrong and you know why because I made an assumption.   The reason why you want to blame him so much maybe is because you know that to some degree you know in your own mind you probably should have not continue to see him when you knew that you didn't really want sex from him in the first place.   You did say yourself that you didn't really want sex from him but you continue to do so.  And as the others have said he may not have known he had it if you did not get tested for herpes because it is not part of standard testing and secondly there are a lot of doctors who are very ignorant about herpes and don't explain the risks properly to people.  Your life is not over because you have herpes your life will be over because of the way you let it affect your life there are plenty of people in Happy relationships who have herpes and you can too but it is up to you.  

[_Garden_girl]

What he did to you, taking the condom off without your consent, is sexual assault. 

Stealthing, the said act, is a new "trend" horrible human beings are encouraging other human beings to do to their partners.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/04/24/stealthing-removing-condom_n_16209510.html

Get as far away from this man as you can. He is a garbage human and not worthy of your time.

[cantdoit]

4 hours ago, _Garden_girl said:

What he did to you, taking the condom off without your consent, is sexual assault. 

Stealthing, the said act, is a new "trend" horrible human beings are encouraging other human beings to do to their partners.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2017/04/24/stealthing-removing-condom_n_16209510.html

Get as far away from this man as you can. He is a garbage human and not worthy of your time.

There is a chance she could charge this doice bag for removing the condom. 

[cantdoit]

9 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I'm sure doing that didn't solve anything. At the end of the day you still have it and always will. Sorry if that was a little harsh...

Call a lawyer and ask them if he can be charged. Unless you find that to be too harsh for a sociopath who assaulted you. Maybe then he won't pull anything with anyone else. 

[Depressed16]

2 hours ago, cantdoit said:

Call a lawyer and ask them if he can be charged. Unless you find that to be too harsh for a sociopath who assaulted you. Maybe then he won't pull anything with anyone else. 

I don't think I could sue someone for that. And even if I could I wouldn't have time nor the energy to do that. This happened almost a year ago and I have absolutely no proof. 

[cantdoit]

6 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I don't think I could sue someone for that. And even if I could I wouldn't have time nor the energy to do that. This happened almost a year ago and I have absolutely no proof. 

I could. No problem. I also wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else. I've filed a civil suit against my giver. I'm going to ruin him. 

[Whyyyyy]

18 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

I could. No problem. I also wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else. I've filed a civil suit against my giver. I'm going to ruin him. 

can you 100% prove he is your giver without a reasonable doubt? 

[Whyyyyy]

I ask that because these cases are extremely hard to prove. I know you're angry and rightfully so! I'm angry too! But are you ready to accept the attention this case could draw? I just think doing this adds to the stigma and doesn't really solve anything. Just my opinion. 

[cantdoit]

7 hours ago, BriAmazed said:

I don't think I could sue someone for that. And even if I could I wouldn't have time nor the energy to do that. This happened almost a year ago and I have absolutely no proof. 

I could. No problem. I also wouldn't want this to happen to anyone else. I've filed a civil suit against my giver. I'm going to ruin him. 

[cantdoit]

34 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

I ask that because these cases are extremely hard to prove. I know you're angry and rightfully so! I'm angry too! But are you ready to accept the attention this case could draw? I just think doing this adds to the stigma and doesn't really solve anything. Just my opinion. 

I have proof. I'm perfectly okay with any attention. I didn't do anything wrong. The stigma will always be and frankly I understand why people don't want this. I would never have slept with someone with herpes had I been told.