New relationship confusion

[chainondoor]

Hi all,

 

I am a bit confused about a few things in my new 'potential' relationship, and I would really appreciate some advice.

I met this guy a month and a half ago, on tinder, which maybe doesn't sound promising, but he seems like a genuine guy and has shown a lot of interest in me. He has pursued me a lot and wants us to be open and talk to each other about everything. I feel I can trust him. (though I could be wrong)

I contracted gHSV1 last year this time. It was very traumatic. I already had a fear of stds, and after that I thought I'd be better off alone. I always told myself that before I disclosed to anyone, we would both get tested (before having sex), and then if he has HSV1, then it would make things a lot easier to either tell him, or keep it to myself.

But there are a few added complications surrounding this:

1) We are fooling around and I am afraid he might have and give me HSV2 or something much worse- my experience with HSV1 was sooo terrible, I still get fevers all the time, so if I had them both it would be physically a nightmare.

2) I am not sure if we are exlusive or official yet. I think he still uses tinder and has many pretty girls on instagram. (i've been hurt a lot in the past)

3) We fooled around a lot. nothing that would have put him at any risk (i was more worried about myself though), but I almost had sex with him one.. he might be angry about this.

 

SHORT VERSION

I met a guy and we are dating more than a month.  In what order do I talk about these things?

1) Are we exlusive?

2) Can you go get tested for everything inclusing HSV1 and HSV2?

3) I have GHSV1

4) I have a huge phobia of stds.

I think telling him everything at once will scare him. Any advice here?

 

Thanks.

Edited April 28, 2017 by chainondoor

[chainondoor]

ps. I would still date him with HSV2 of course. But my phobia is about not knowing, about being used and abandoned and left alone with a painful condition...

[LillianPanos]

Well some of my comments.  Any of the order maybe acceptable. Honesty best policy.  He may have hsv1 himself.  Disclosing you may ask him if he knows about cold sores and let him know you have it as many people do but you have on genitals which is rarely transmitted. Do it all as a matter if fact normal discussion. @chaino

[chainondoor]

Thanks Lillian. 

Everyone says make it matter of fact.

I was planning a dramatic story starting from when I was young and how much it affected me etc etc

He always asked me why I was so guarded. I guess we think of these things as a part of who we are.. but actually I was always guarded, so it hasn't changed me that much.

I wanted him to understand the full story. But maybe that would scare people?

[LillianPanos]

I tend to be guarded too but really liked this guy we are together now 13 months in love. I cried told him he could kick me to the curb don't do that!!!I wrote out what I was going to say as it got me centered and wanted to include things. But didn't read it or have the paper with me. He totally respected my honesty. ..  

17 minutes ago, chainondoor said:

Thanks Lillian. 

Everyone says make it matter of fact.

I was planning a dramatic story starting from when I was young and how much it affected me etc etc

He always asked me why I was so guarded. I guess we think of these things as a part of who we are.. but actually I was always guarded, so it hasn't changed me that much.

I wanted him to understand the full story. But maybe that would scare people?

 

[chainondoor]

Thanks Lillian for the advice.

Did you tell him after 13 months? How far into the relationship did you tell him?

Did you get emotional? Is that a bad thing? Did he take it well?

 

[LillianPanos]

We were dating for 6 weeks before I told him. I was emotional because I really liked him met him by chance, and had just broken up with my giver and met him 2 weeks after my first ob started. during those 6 weeks I was having my first ob for a month. So trying to act like everything ok was horrendous. And of course I knew no sex...so it was quite a task acting ok. One night we went to dinner I got cramps like I never ever had before every time I took a bite I got more and more cramps played with my food.

I had drank a Pellegrino before dinner not sure what caused those cramps will never drink a Pellegrino again lol

10 minutes ago, chainondoor said:

Thanks Lillian for the advice.

Did you tell him after 13 months? How far into the relationship did you tell him?

Did you get emotional? Is that a bad thing? Did he take it well?

 

 

[chainondoor]

7 minutes ago, LillianPanos said:

We were dating for 6 weeks before I told him. I was emotional because I really liked him met him by chance, and had just broken up with my giver and met him 2 weeks after my first ob started. during those 6 weeks I was having my first ob for a month. So trying to act like everything ok was horrendous. And of course I knew no sex...so it was quite a task acting ok. One night we went to dinner I got cramps like I never ever had before every time I took a bite I got more and more cramps played with my food.

I had drank a Pellegrino before dinner not sure what caused those cramps will never drink a Pellegrino again lol

 

Haha, sounds a bit like my first ob. It just went on and on, the strangest thing would set it off, and nothing worked. First time that nothing worked.

If it was so soon after, no wonder you were emotional. I was a wreck for a while.

It's been a year since then. I've never disclosed before.

Hope for the best... I guess if he's not in, he can't like me all that much

[LillianPanos]

Good luck you will be fine if meant to be it will.  We have a right to be selective! 

[1aday]

I guess one more thing to ask is, do you have your OBs under control?  Are you ready for a sexual relationship because it seems it is headed that way.  I think the hsv talk should come first because if he is not accepting of it, and/or he doesn't want to get tested, then asking about exclusivity is useless.  Assuming that's a concern.  Do you feel comfortable and trust him enough to talk about hsv?  There was this guy I hung out with for 3 months (or I think even longer, nothing physical) on and off.. it was fun talking to him but I didn't feel I could trust him enough.  In the end it just fizzled out.  As for your guy possibly talking to/seeing other people.... I personally assume that people see/talk to other people unless we actually talk about exclusivity.  People deal with this kind of situation differently but I found that lowering your expectations is what's best.      

What's the reason you think he gave you hsv2?  Did your symptoms get worse? 

[Lisajd]

First of all I think the best approach is to talk about mutual testing and if you have already fooled around you need to start thinking about that because you might get in the heat of the moment and then have to disclose and that would make it awkward.  It also depends on the age you are I find that I can tell people that I have herpes and it's not an issue when we move on from it.

I also think that you need to keep it short and simple and not be emotional.  If you tell someone you have herpes and you're all emotional about it if I don't know much about it will freak them out but it also might think that you're not accepting of it yet and that it will become an issue emotionally for you and guys don't need that.  From the outset did you ask this guy Webber he wanted a relationship or something more casual because that's the first thing I do with these guys online no point in wasting my time if we are not on the same page.  

You don't know how another person is going to react because you don't know their own circumstances and you don't know how they view it but the best thing is to keep it short and simple and give them the facts

[Disc0rdant]

On 4/28/2017 at 0:39 PM, chainondoor said:

Hi all,

 

I am a bit confused about a few things in my new 'potential' relationship, and I would really appreciate some advice.

I met this guy a month and a half ago, on tinder, which maybe doesn't sound promising, but he seems like a genuine guy and has shown a lot of interest in me. He has pursued me a lot and wants us to be open and talk to each other about everything. I feel I can trust him. (though I could be wrong)

I contracted gHSV1 last year this time. It was very traumatic. I already had a fear of stds, and after that I thought I'd be better off alone. I always told myself that before I disclosed to anyone, we would both get tested (before having sex), and then if he has HSV1, then it would make things a lot easier to either tell him, or keep it to myself.

But there are a few added complications surrounding this:

1) We are fooling around and I am afraid he might have and give me HSV2 or something much worse- my experience with HSV1 was sooo terrible, I still get fevers all the time, so if I had them both it would be physically a nightmare.

2) I am not sure if we are exlusive or official yet. I think he still uses tinder and has many pretty girls on instagram. (i've been hurt a lot in the past)

3) We fooled around a lot. nothing that would have put him at any risk (i was more worried about myself though), but I almost had sex with him one.. he might be angry about this.

 

SHORT VERSION

I met a guy and we are dating more than a month.  In what order do I talk about these things?

1) Are we exlusive?

2) Can you go get tested for everything inclusing HSV1 and HSV2?

3) I have GHSV1

4) I have a huge phobia of stds.

I think telling him everything at once will scare him. Any advice here?

 

Thanks.

I have advice.  I would disclose that you know you have hsv1 and 70-80% of the population does.  That prior to sex you want to go in and get tested to respect/protect both him and you to be sure.  I emphasize that you go together so he doesnt send a proxy.  

As the woman in our culture, YOU make the call on when sex starts.  He decides when to commit.  Tinder has lots of STD+ folks but that may or may not be the case, here.  Stories like yours keep me diligent and convince me alone is better than finding the wrong girl or the wrong situation.  

I am not a player but many think I am because of my typically happy go lucky nature.  He may or may not be one....