New to It All

[Michele1920]

I tested positive for HSV II about a month ago and have been experiencing highs and lows since. While I try to stay positive about it for the most part, I am reminded constantly of the relationship that was divided because of my diagnosis. I decided to sign up for an online forum today after I had my first disclosure (with a new partner) and it didn't go well. I couldn't decide what the intentions were of a boy I have been texting for about two weeks now when he asked me to stay the night last night. Was he just looking for a one night stand? He told me he wanted a physical relationship but not an ACTUAL dating relationship. I didn't know if I should tell someone something so intimate when I wasn't sure how long he'd stick around. When I got to his apartment the time never seemed right for me to say anything. Would he send me away if he knew? When it was obvious we were going to have sex I asked if he had a condom and he did and we used it. I left this morning feeling so guilty for not saying anything. I then made the mistake of disclosing over text, so I could feel some relief for not telling him before. Even though I explained how I was on medication and he didn't have anything to worry about, he was obviously still very angry. I totally understand why he was; if someone told me in this way I would be too. But this anger is so disheartening. I'm 0 for 2 when it comes to telling someone I really like that I have genital herpes. I guess this is just a long-winded way of asking how and when to disclose. I don't want every disclosure to be like this - where I feel like a terrible person for having such a common disease. Some much needed love and responses would be great. Thanks for reading. 

[Lisajd]

 you put yourself into a difficult situation from the start.  I have seen some people disclose in the sack and it's not been a problem and some people disclose after the event and it's not been a problem.   given that you are newly diagnosed you are higher risk regardless of whether you are on medication and using condoms. he is also responsible for his own sexual health however.  Did he ask you about stds?  It would be expected that he would be angry because you did not give him the choice to make  the decision.  Maybe these experiences you can learn from them and figure out what you want from someone if you want a relationship status quotes from the outset or take your time to get to know somebody.  When I was firstly diagnosed I met someone and I was scared to tell.  We lay in bed together and I was not prepared to tell him at that point of time so I'll restrain from having sex and A respectable guy would accept that.  When I did finally tell him he was ok with it because I was honest from the outset.   Because in a relationship trust and honesty is the most important thing and you blew that with this guy by not being upfront with him and telling him.

 

Maybe it is better for you to get used to your diagnosis before you think about dating again.   but just because two guys didn't accept it doesn't mean they all well you just have to be more selective about who you date

[GeminiGirl83]

Same thing happened to me. I started dating again after almost 2 yrs of not dating because I was in a really bad state when I got diagnosed with ghsv1. I already have oral hsv1 and dated a guy who have the same but out of our ignorance he passed it to me down there. I was so depressed and still now from time to time. Last year was worst as every month I have outbreak down there. Now this year is better, so I decided to be open on dating again and I met this guy who seems to be so nice and accepting. He mentioned he dated women who have  gwarts and gherpes, but never contracted it. He was the very first guy I told about my gherpes but never thought I have to tell him about my oral herpes. I wasn't trying to keep it a secret I just out of ignorance again thought it wasn't a big deal. He got so mad when I told him after making out and told me he wasn't sure if he can trust me again. I have apologized to him but he still is upset and scared that he might have contracted it knowing he has cold sore when we made out. He doesn't want to date me again because of that not telling him but I think he just didn't want to risk of having it which I totally understand and I think he probably just don't like me that much. I just really hope he won't have it or I may not forgive myself. I talked to him again and apologize and he seems OK now but still worried and I'm worried too. This disease is really depressing and I hope there will be cure out there soon! But I have learned my lesson to just disclose it right away before any feelings start to occur. I think it will be easier for both. And you will save yourself from any blame. It's hard as we would feel embarrassed but it's better than being blamed for someone else's suffering.

[chillybean]

Disclosing is so hard because we fear the outcome- especially if it's with someone we really like. 

I am part of another herpes forum that has some awesome resources for having "the talk" with a partner, including when and how to disclose. Dr. Kelly has a free checklist you can download with some helpful tips. I used it myself, and while it was a really hard conversation to have, and it didn't always end up the way I wanted, it helped me gain confidence in my diagnosis-

http://pinktent.com/living-with-herpes/dating-prevention/

Feel free to check it out....and good luck! I hope next time it goes a little smoother. Just know it is possible to have a normal sex life and get to a point that you can be confident when you tell people you have herpes. Chances are they probably have it too these days...

[Disc0rdant]

Yeah.  Some(like me) will not risk hsv2 no matter who it is.  I have hsv1 and wont risk that pain.   Even though I know the risk is low.

Plz dont take it personal.

[West end gal]

Sorry about the tough situation you are going through. I've been dealing with this for a year and it's actually helped m e reflect on situations and people that I have dated prior to diagnosis. Some people you can just sense will not be okay with THIS...but also many other things...a little extra weight, they are always looking for the next best thing, etc. In hindsight I'm sorry  I didn't walk away earlier because these people weren't right for m e..it doesn't matter what the issue is. Stay confident in yourself and move on. The world is full of amazing and accepting people!

[Disc0rdant]

2 hours ago, West end gal said:

Sorry about the tough situation you are going through. I've been dealing with this for a year and it's actually helped m e reflect on situations and people that I have dated prior to diagnosis. Some people you can just sense will not be okay with THIS...but also many other things...a little extra weight, they are always looking for the next best thing, etc. In hindsight I'm sorry  I didn't walk away earlier because these people weren't right for m e..it doesn't matter what the issue is. Stay confident in yourself and move on. The world is full of amazing and accepting people!

It's funny because I know lots of people don't accept me the way I am.  I have learned to love myself first(again) in my last couple of years.  One gf with hsv2 started nitpicking things and the one negative for all hsv did as well.  Chewing gum the wrong way, putting my shoe on furniture.  Little things.  

How can someone accept me if they are going to take issue with a bunch of meaningless drivel.

I agree.  I called her out on the furniture thing and the moment she told me to quit smacking my gum, I knew it was over.

Funny thing is, neither treated their kids well.  That is my biggest red flag. How they handle their kids.  No.  Everything isnt about herpes.  But I can judge if someone is right for me and not feel guilt about it.  I have the right to choose just like anyone can walk from me anytime.

When my son(who has the exact personality type as me)asked why I broke up with the last one, he understood immediatelty.  He said he saw the same behavior and thought the same thing.  If this is her own flesh and blood and she treats them this way consistently, can she really love me?  

My judgments surround her ability to love me, nothing says love better than being stable and solid around your kids.  Eff everybody else.  The other was forced by a judge to take parenting classes.  

We all judge fitness/compatibility with each other.  I am single and ok alone vs. being with someone terrible.  

[Lisajd]

You made me start to think about my own situation and I have been seeing someone for 10 months and he accepts me with herpes.  The problem is I am being judgemental because he has no job and nowhere to live and no car and I am the complete opposite and to some degree I feel like I am being nasty and pushing away someone who actually does care about me.  For me I feel like it can't work because we can't enjoy the same things because he is broke and does not have the same things as me.  Am I just being completely selfish all my friends tell me how I can do better

[LillianPanos]

@Lisajd  you deserve better dont settle. 

[Lisajd]

6 minutes ago, LillianPanos said:

@Lisajd  you deserve better dont settle. 

Thanks Lillian. .  He does have a good heart but he also does have a bad temper and that was one of the reasons why I broke off with him back In march. The anger has now settled because he is not working but I do need to be someone who at least have a job a car and somewhere to live.  I know it is wrong that I have been looking online but even that hard to find someone decent as well where you have a spark with someone

[Disc0rdant]

1 hour ago, Lisajd said:

You made me start to think about my own situation and I have been seeing someone for 10 months and he accepts me with herpes.  The problem is I am being judgemental because he has no job and nowhere to live and no car and I am the complete opposite and to some degree I feel like I am being nasty and pushing away someone who actually does care about me.  For me I feel like it can't work because we can't enjoy the same things because he is broke and does not have the same things as me.  Am I just being completely selfish all my friends tell me how I can do better

Maybe you are being selfish.  Maybe all of the things we want in a partner are because of selfishness.  Not sure if it is good or bad.  I have learned thru experience that loving myself first must come as my #1 priority.  Then my kids, then family and SO.  I get lonely alone sometimes, but usually not.  If I sleep well, eat well and excercise, I do much better.  I am going to fly to Cancun for Christmas this year by myself.  No kids.  No SO(If I have one).  I judge a partner solely on their ability to love me (and that they are mostly balanced) after they have met attractiveness and confidence standards.

I have flat out stopped asking for girls' #'s.   Everyone has their own set of things they want.  

 

Me.  I just want to be loved.  Probably too high of a want.  2 gf's ago girl broke it off saying I couldnt love her.  Funny thing is, I already did love her.  We were about 10 mos in.  I had been pushing her away.....  

Wanting him to have a job, $, etc.  That is your perrogative.  I see that on dating apps.  

[LillianPanos]

As @Lisajd One of my requirements was to have a job as ex husband quit his job and thought we could live on my salary that would have been ok if he committed to do other things child care for son etc. But he didn't .

[cowpoke02]

people are mean .  just normal life is brutal .  world will clean up after these bad years of disease .. focus on you  .  you gotta know people for a while any way for  you own safety .  get healthier your self and learn your body and food ..  love is a game or dance . same as it was before . full of losers players .  liars . people having fun before settling down .. pride in your self .  most people don't deserve you time or timings off .  

    i don;t get out much any more . before it was work . so my odds of meeting some one and trust i'll be single for ever  . . lol.  i need to reproduce to save the world from my enemies  . 

 

[Lisajd]

22 hours ago, Disc0rdant said:

Maybe you are being selfish.  Maybe all of the things we want in a partner are because of selfishness.  Not sure if it is good or bad.  I have learned thru experience that loving myself first must come as my #1 priority.  Then my kids, then family and SO.  I get lonely alone sometimes, but usually not.  If I sleep well, eat well and excercise, I do much better.  I am going to fly to Cancun for Christmas this year by myself.  No kids.  No SO(If I have one).  I judge a partner solely on their ability to love me (and that they are mostly balanced) after they have met attractiveness and confidence standards.

I have flat out stopped asking for girls' #'s.   Everyone has their own set of things they want.  

 

Me.  I just want to be loved.  Probably too high of a want.  2 gf's ago girl broke it off saying I couldnt love her.  Funny thing is, I already did love her.  We were about 10 mos in.  I had been pushing her away.....  

Wanting him to have a job, $, etc.  That is your perrogative.  I see that on dating apps.  

I am in a situation where by I have no children so I don't have anything stopping me from doing what I want to do and I want to do that with a partner I have been holiday alone for 20 years.  I am not one of those women you see I'm dating site who has a list of must haves because I'm not materialistic but I do want someone who can stand on their own feet and not having a job is not something that I can deal with considering I'm successful

[cowpoke02]

14 hours ago, Lisajd said:

I am in a situation where by I have no children so I don't have anything stopping me from doing what I want to do and I want to do that with a partner I have been holiday alone for 20 years.  I am not one of those women you see I'm dating site who has a list of must haves because I'm not materialistic but I do want someone who can stand on their own feet and not having a job is not something that I can deal with considering I'm successful

bad people .  life is brutal . the most ambitious hard working people end up used and disabled ..  more they don't want your money like women wanting free money and free ride and free way of life cause they can't buy their own and it' easy to pretend for security  .. why europe russia has better women . if they are not to  free sex crazy share crazy . lol.  money is evil ..  many who do not work cause of abuse and injuries from fake sucesfull people using their hard work . inherit mommy daddies money .  free ride and support ...  i'll date  rest of my life hire a baby mama .   you got lazy people . dna or abuse . from childhood see work so the are done by 40 . done by other peoples neglect .. then you get educated and abused ;as thing you want is to work for nothing . you want time off ...   many of the so called driven are lazy and screw over for workers ...  i'd love to work ad can't . . people run people off of life .  they become lazy scumbags . lol.