Life with HSV2 partner. I'm negative

[silverdream]

To speak off my title it is no different than any relationship.  Normally I chat with others, chat is down and I wanted to open this up to anyone with questions. I chat with so many people that tell me that they fear dating, disclosing and  giving HSV to someone else. I don't know where to begin, I lay here unable to sleep with this wonderful man next to me sleeping so peaceful and I am so thankful for him and the love he gives me. I wondered through the kitchen checked the fridge to  make sure our leftover dinner was sealed proper so he will have a good lunch tomorrow at work. I noticed he changed the strings on my guitar while I was in the shower, this may seem trivial to some but it is what people who care for each other do, He has HSV2 and I am negative, we are no different than any other couple in love. Love is possible after you get diagnosed with HSV, sure it may decrease your dating pool, decrease it to people who don't want to do the little things for you to show they care and accept you for who you are no matter what. HSV does not define you, it does not make you low class, unworthy, gross or off the dating market. I understand people all date different and I don't judge or look down on anyone looking for something casual, everything I said applies to you too. Sh*t happens to us all. 

How could I let this wonderful person not be apart of my life because he has a skin disorder? No way, I deserve this happiness as does he. 

He did disclose to me before we had sex, that is a question I get a lot. I got a blood test for HSV after we had protected sex as well as other STDs because who knows where I have been. I am in no way above him because I am negative. My IGGs were both were negative. I did test positive on IGM which is how I found this community, a OBGYN told me I was positive for HSV due to  IGM which I learned was because I had chicken pox in the past The people I met here encouraged me to get a second opinion. I still test negative for IGG. I have learned so much about HSV and feel have become an advocate even though negative.

Please anyone who feels down about this and thinks that love is not possible, I hope just my short bit helps you to know that there are people who are negative that will love you, look beyond the stigma, take an interest into wanting to know more because they care about YOU! 

Edited May 1, 2017 by silverdream
spelling

[Lisajd]

Thank you for posting.  Its the stigma and assumptions that people make about dating and disclosure.  I also see it that is a two way street that the person that I would be sleeping with needs to have an STD test because I want to know what they might have it's not just about me disclosing my status to them.   

[silverdream]

For sure! Just because he has HSV and I don't doesn't make me a saint. My sexual history is more broad than his. Very VERY good point, always know the past and make sure who you have sex with is okay with you. 

[Lisajd]

@losinghope1 I'm sorry you are in so much emotional pain but I think it would be best if you ceased communication with this person.  I missed out on something good because I got herpes but it doesn't stop me from meeting anybody else although It's Tricky to find the right person but  h is not an issue.  It is actually finding someone decent. now if this guy was really wanted to be with you then herpes would not have stopped him.   It is easier for a woman with herpes to find a man because it is library then the other way around so please don't think that you won't be able to find someone.  You say you've lost your old self but you actually haven't herpes doesn't change who you are is just a virus in your body it is like having cold sores but in a different location.  Has this ideal man tested for hsv?  Anyhow it will get better.  Allow yourself to get over him but dont pine too long.  You are better spending time finding someone who wants you than crying over a guy who doesnt want you.. 

[losinghope1]

@lisajd thank you for your words of encouragement! You are right! I need to cease all communication and forget about him and move on with my life. I just feel stupid that I let someone string me along while they were moving along with their life.

I guess I will encounter this a lot now that I have this disease and maybe this was preparing me for what's to come. By a blink of an eye my whole world has changed but I hope I find myself soon because I can't with this pain anymore. I hope one day to be the vibrant, happy, positive person I once was.

This was my very first post on here and I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to me @Lisajd

Thank you!

[Lisajd]

I know its not easy and its hard to let go when you care.  The guy i liked we stayed friends but evrrytime he got a gf he blew me off. In the end i cut the cord and whilst it was hard for a few weeks as i saw him a few times it was the right thing to do.  Now i see him so differently.  I have no respect for him.  Your world hasnt changed.  You only think it has.  You still go about your life and still can do what you want to do.   A few months is not long enough to be ok with it.  But its only you that can change how you feel.  Just dont think that cause this guy left they all will.  I had 2 negative outcomes from 2 pple i knew (tricky situation which i regret) anf i thought no one would want me.. but Id say ive had 90% okay with it since then. and that guy he will probably end up getting it anyway.  

Do things that make you feel good but try to keep a routine.  You will be ok. 

[Whyyyyy]

Silver, in all honesty how do you think you would feel if you got hsv2 from him?

[K_Sock]

10 hours ago, Whyyyyy said:

Silver, in all honesty how do you think you would feel if you got hsv2 from him?

Probably not as bad as he'd feel for passing it. He sounds like a good caring guy who wants to take care of his lady, and I think he'll need a lot of consoling to cope with the guilt/ sadness of producing suffering in the woman he loves. What both will have to remember is that HSV-2 is a live virus and he won't have 'given' her the virus using his own free will. The reality is that HSV-2 is a contagious virus, but, with disclosure out of the way, both are equally complicit to how it spreads... that will be the only healthy way to deal with it in order to prevent spirals of blame, guilt, overcompensation, anger, trapped, etc...

I do have oral HSV-1 and date women with genital HSV-1 without any concerns. My logic is both that we have the same virus and, by virtue of the sexual acts we want to do (licking each-other's fun bits, sex, kissing), we'd always be at risk of the location transfer in any relationship anyway. This is different from Silver as she is negative, but she will have to be adamant in her logic that this love is worth it and anything that happens just happens.

 

Edited May 1, 2017 by K_Sock
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[Lisajd]

No one should feel guilt for passing it if that person made the choice and its a stable loving relatuonship.     You don't really know her as an individual to be able to judge how it will affect her and obviously she has made the decision based on facts and how she feels about the person so to say that she will suffer is not justified.  You have very strict rules about he will date and years about transmitting your oral herpes which is fine but not everybody has to date people only with herpes

[K_Sock]

40 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

No one should feel guilt for passing it if that person made the choice and its a stable loving relatuonship.   

Agreed, no one should feel guilt in that scenario...but, as humans, we're not just logical. Guilt is a useless emotion and so hopefully what's felt is more along the lines of compassion. For me, it'd be guilt and I don't want that.

Quote

 You don't really know her as an individual to be able to judge how it will affect her and obviously she has made the decision based on facts and how she feels about the person so to say that she will suffer is not justified.

Suffer was too strong a word. You know what I meant though. HSV is not rainbows and lollipops despite all the asymptomatic impressions out there.

Quote

 You have very strict rules about he will date and years about transmitting your oral herpes which is fine but not everybody has to date people only with herpes

Absolutely agreed. Life's short and all that really matters is love.

Edited May 1, 2017 by K_Sock
Typo

[hopingforthebest08]

@silverdream Thanks for posting! It's encouraging to hear about a male not transmitting to female, because that's currently my situation and I tend to find more stories of non-transmission from female to male. 

If you don't mind me asking how long have you been together? 

[notjejune]

<3 you silver. thank you for being a ray of light and hope in all of our lives. cheers to your good health!

[Lisajd]

1 hour ago, notjejune said:

<3 you silver. thank you for being a ray of light and hope in all of our lives. cheers to your good health!

You are the only one stopping yourself finding love.  Got to take the leap of faith

[notjejune]

19 hours ago, Lisajd said:

You are the only one stopping yourself finding love.  Got to take the leap of faith

Thanks for the advice but I haven't said anything about myself or looking for love. I was simply thanking Silver for being a positive influence here and in the chatroom. She is one of the most supportive and kind people around and I'm glad she's found her way to us, even if she is not HSV+! I wish more people who were negative would take the time to inform themselves in this way.

[Lisajd]

Ok i misunderstood apologies.  There are three types of people i find who are negative

1.  Accept someone and dont care

2. Dont know anything about it and are open to educating themselves

3. Dont know anything or think they know and are ignorant and make their decision based on the stigma

 

[silverdream]

On 5/1/2017 at 7:19 AM, Whyyyyy said:

Silver, in all honesty how do you think you would feel if you got hsv2 from him?

I don't know if quote is where I should reply, but I will try it out. If I do happen to get HSV from him, I have nobody to blame but myself although I can't forsee a situation that has not happen as of yet but knowing myself I don't see where I would feel anger towards him. He took things slow with me, he disclosed and never pressured me into sex. Sure, if he did not tell me that he has HSV and just one day I got and he was oh.....by the way I forgot to tell you I have HSV2...sorry. That would be a different situation. 

I do know and understand that there is a possibility that I can contract HSV from him, I like to think we take the precautions to do all we can to help me from getting it. Long story short, As we stand right now, it would not change my feelings towards him, I would more worry about how he would take it. 

 

On 5/1/2017 at 7:19 AM, Whyyyyy said:

Silver, in all honesty how do you think you would feel if you got hsv2 from him?

 

[silverdream]

On 5/1/2017 at 9:43 PM, notjejune said:

<3 you silver. thank you for being a ray of light and hope in all of our lives. cheers to your good health!

<3 you too lady! Thank you for being there for me when I need someone who understands my neurosis 

[silverdream]

@hopingforthebest08  We haven't been in a relationship for way too long, I would say maybe 10 months now. I hope things continue to go well with us! wish me luck

[silverdream]

On 5/1/2017 at 5:22 PM, K_Sock said:

Probably not as bad as he'd feel for passing it. He sounds like a good caring guy who wants to take care of his lady, and I think he'll need a lot of consoling to cope with the guilt/ sadness of producing suffering in the woman he loves. What both will have to remember is that HSV-2 is a live virus and he won't have 'given' her the virus using his own free will. The reality is that HSV-2 is a contagious virus, but, with disclosure out of the way, both are equally complicit to how it spreads... that will be the only healthy way to deal with it in order to prevent spirals of blame, guilt, overcompensation, anger, trapped, etc...

I do have oral HSV-1 and date women with genital HSV-1 without any concerns. My logic is both that we have the same virus and, by virtue of the sexual acts we want to do (licking each-other's fun bits, sex, kissing), we'd always be at risk of the location transfer in any relationship anyway. This is different from Silver as she is negative, but she will have to be adamant in her logic that this love is worth it and anything that happens just happens.

 

We both understand that him passing it to me is a real possibility, he got it from a long term relationship where she disclosed so sadly he has been through that before, of course we hope for the best. I do agree that he would take it worse passing it to me but the bottom line is that I chose to take a chance and even when we had a scare I reminded him of that. Just like he took a chance we he contracted it from his ex. If that is too happen, I would hope we would hope we wouldnt need therapy but one can never tell the future. He is a strong individual who is very picky who he chooses to pick to be in his life and treats me wonderful. I think if that would happen we would be able to get through it with honesty and communication. Thank you for your reply

[silverdream]

I am not use to replying in the forums! I hope I got to everyone! If not, I was not ignoring you and just let me know if you have a question or comment that you would like me to reply to. Best wishes to you all 

[hopingforthebest08]

28 minutes ago, silverdream said:

@hopingforthebest08  We haven't been in a relationship for way too long, I would say maybe 10 months now. I hope things continue to go well with us! wish me luck

Thanks for responding and good luck! I've been with my boyfriend 5 years (sexually active for about 2) he didn't know his status so we didn't use protection and he hasn't transmitted it to me thankfully, so I feel like there's hope for both you and I. Although I know you stated in another comment you would be ok if you got it, I'm not there yet. Anyway good luck, I love your perspective/ outlook. 

[Lisajd]

6 minutes ago, hopingforthebest08 said:

Thanks for responding and good luck! I've been with my boyfriend 5 years (sexually active for about 2) he didn't know his status so we didn't use protection and he hasn't transmitted it to me thankfully, so I feel like there's hope for both you and I. Although I know you stated in another comment you would be ok if you got it, I'm not there yet. Anyway good luck, I love your perspective/ outlook. 

Just wonder if you have had blood tests to check if you hsve contracted it or not

[hopingforthebest08]

6 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

Just wonder if you have had blood tests to check if you hsve contracted it or not

Yes, I've had two type specific igg's with last possible exposure last November they were both negative and the nurse practioner seemed pretty sure that was definitive given my situation so I'm inclined to believe that. 

[Lisajd]

Thats great thanks for sharing. 

[cowpoke02]

just have sex when the feel healthy  . problems solved .. check over .. haha . pretty safe if feels like new .. take care ..  could be worse like mental illness and stress problems ..