I'm not okay.

[brownsugg]

I've been trying to convince myself that I'm okay with the diagnosis, that it's not as bad as I'm making it out to seem. I've been watching encouraging ted talks and reading anything that'll normalize HSV2 so I don't feel as disgusting as I do. I wish I had a better story of how I got herpes that wouldn't generalize me and have me cater to the story, but unfortunately not. I lost my virginity at 14, and from then on to 17 I've just been hoeing it out. I was 17 with 6 partners. The lucky six. I remember celebrating with a friend about how this was a milestone for me. Ironic right? Now I think of the statistic 1/6 people has genital herpes. My lucky six. The worst part about it is I don't even know who I contracted genital herpes from. Ive always been a hypochondriac, even though most of the time I practiced safe sex I had to be sure. This was my first outbreak, and I thought it could be everything except herpes because it didn't look like the typical case. So, as I'm sitting there getting tested for the typical STD's, I asked my doctor about a bump on my vaginal lip. "It's nothing to worry about, probably a razor bump. I doubt it's herpes." Music to my ears. Flash forward a few weeks later, I get my results happy as hell that everything came back negative. I told my partner who was also relieved and we were having celebratory sex. Here's a quick timeline: the first time we had sex I had a sore throat and what I assumed to be a UTI. Wasn't really concerned. Second time we have sex was just days afterwards so the symptoms were prolonged. Third time we have sex, it was great honestly earth shattering (literally). Two days later I get 3 more similar bumps like the one my doctor told me not to worry about. Not only did those bumps appear on my vaginal lips, but I also had it inside my vagina my rectum too and those suckers felt like acid hit them every time I peed.  I was afraid to go to the bathroom and it even affected my ability to walk. Desperate and afraid I waddled my way back to the gyno and showed them the damage. Three doctors came in to confirm that it was genital herpes and I broke down. It didn't make the situation any better having my doctor !*@* shame and question me as to why I even had that many partners at that age. As if I didn't feel disgusting enough already. I felt and still do feel so alone. What a lovely 18th birthday gift, the diagnosis of herpes. It's only been a month and some change since I found out and I'm talking to an amazing guy right now who I'm dreading telling my status. It would be so much easier to just date someone who already has herpes so that I don't have to deal with the emotional toll disclosing your status takes on you. Honestly I'm not okay. I'm trying to be as positive as I can because I have a history with depression, but this diagnosis is going to get the best of me and I know the rejection is going to bury me into a pit. 

[Lisajd]

Hi there. I know it sux but it gets better in time.  Going back to your results initially did they test for hsv2?    What tests did you have when you had the next ob?  I assume that guy is not on the scene.  To the guy you have met its in your interest to talk about mutual testing.  You need to know his status also.  You can talk to him and say you have the cold sore virus but down below.  You can talk about prevention ie meds and condoms.  You talk about depresdion ... what are you doing to deal with it.

Second why are you talking about rejection.. you havent told the guy yet.  Give it a chance.  Dont assume anything.  You dont know his status or how he views it.  

[K_Sock]

Best wishes @brownsugg . You're certainly far from disgusting and did nothing wrong! It'll get better.

[kinlea]

On Mon May 01 2017 at 8:11 PM, brownsugg said:

I've been trying to convince myself that I'm okay with the diagnosis, that it's not as bad as I'm making it out to seem. I've been watching encouraging ted talks and reading anything that'll normalize HSV2 so I don't feel as disgusting as I do. I wish I had a better story of how I got herpes that wouldn't generalize me and have me cater to the story, but unfortunately not. I lost my virginity at 14, and from then on to 17 I've just been hoeing it out. I was 17 with 6 partners. The lucky six. I remember celebrating with a friend about how this was a milestone for me. Ironic right? Now I think of the statistic 1/6 people has genital herpes. My lucky six. The worst part about it is I don't even know who I contracted genital herpes from. Ive always been a hypochondriac, even though most of the time I practiced safe sex I had to be sure. This was my first outbreak, and I thought it could be everything except herpes because it didn't look like the typical case. So, as I'm sitting there getting tested for the typical STD's, I asked my doctor about a bump on my vaginal lip. "It's nothing to worry about, probably a razor bump. I doubt it's herpes." Music to my ears. Flash forward a few weeks later, I get my results happy as hell that everything came back negative. I told my partner who was also relieved and we were having celebratory sex. Here's a quick timeline: the first time we had sex I had a sore throat and what I assumed to be a UTI. Wasn't really concerned. Second time we have sex was just days afterwards so the symptoms were prolonged. Third time we have sex, it was great honestly earth shattering (literally). Two days later I get 3 more similar bumps like the one my doctor told me not to worry about. Not only did those bumps appear on my vaginal lips, but I also had it inside my vagina my rectum too and those suckers felt like acid hit them every time I peed.  I was afraid to go to the bathroom and it even affected my ability to walk. Desperate and afraid I waddled my way back to the gyno and showed them the damage. Three doctors came in to confirm that it was genital herpes and I broke down. It didn't make the situation any better having my doctor !*@* shame and question me as to why I even had that many partners at that age. As if I didn't feel disgusting enough already. I felt and still do feel so alone. What a lovely 18th birthday gift, the diagnosis of herpes. It's only been a month and some change since I found out and I'm talking to an amazing guy right now who I'm dreading telling my status. It would be so much easier to just date someone who already has herpes so that I don't have to deal with the emotional toll disclosing your status takes on you. Honestly I'm not okay. I'm trying to be as positive as I can because I have a history with depression, but this diagnosis is going to get the best of me and I know the rejection is going to bury me into a pit. 

Hey sweetie,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I was diagnosed with GHSV-1 the end of February. I had just started dating my boyfriend and I contracted it from oral, the first time we had sex. He didn't have an outbreak so I was completely shocked when I was diagnosed. 

I'm scared that if we break up, I'll end up being alone. I don't know how I'd be able to tell someone. I totally get where you're coming from. I'm having a hard time dealing as well. If you ever need to talk, let me know.

[Lisajd]

2 hours ago, kinlea said:

Hey sweetie,

I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I was diagnosed with GHSV-1 the end of February. I had just started dating my boyfriend and I contracted it from oral, the first time we had sex. He didn't have an outbreak so I was completely shocked when I was diagnosed. 

I'm scared that if we break up, I'll end up being alone. I don't know how I'd be able to tell someone. I totally get where you're coming from. I'm having a hard time dealing as well. If you ever need to talk, let me know.

I think it is important to remember that genital HSV 1 is the less risky of the two genital types and if someone does have an existing oral infection which 80% of the population has it is unlikely that you are going to transmit it to them.   I keep saying everyone seems to worry about disclosing but it's a two way street, you need to know what STD they might have because there is still a real risk of you catching something else.  If by chance that you do break up with your boyfriend and you meet someone else you would want to have mutual testing.  

[kinlea]

On Fri May 05 2017 at 6:59 AM, Lisajd said:

I think it is important to remember that genital HSV 1 is the less risky of the two genital types and if someone does have an existing oral infection which 80% of the population has it is unlikely that you are going to transmit it to them.   I keep saying everyone seems to worry about disclosing but it's a two way street, you need to know what STD they might have because there is still a real risk of you catching something else.  If by chance that you do break up with your boyfriend and you meet someone else you would want to have mutual testing.  

I definitely would. I used to do that for everyone, then I got married at 21. I don't know what changed after I got divorced but I stopped requiring testing.  Maybe I was just messed up and looking for anyone that would "love me", I'm not sure. I know this was a stupid thought but I was scared that I wasn't really attractive to men anymore. (My ex kind of messed me up) 

GHSV-1 is supposed to reoccur less often but I just got my third outbreak in less that 3 months. I've heard that from everyone that knows anything about HSV. I guess I'm just really unlucky. I know that she has HSV-2 and I have HSV-1 but I was trying to tell her that I understand what she's going through. I'm scared to tell someone that I have it too. I think when most people hear the words genital herpes, they would have a hard time making the distinction between HSV-1 and HSV-2.