Kitten10468

Shamed and embarrassed

16 posts in this topic

It's been alittle less then a year since I was diagnosed with herpies and I still feel shame. I feel like I might has well stay with my cheating boyfriend who have it to me since no one else will want me. I feel like one I tell them they will just move on to the next women and won't want to be with me. I know that is probably not true but I can't seem to shake the feelings I have. Help

KayBallard and MoniqueLow like this

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Don't feel like you need to do anything you don't want to do and don't stay with someone who doesn't respect you because you think nobody else would want you. Lots of people date people who have herpes without having it themselves and their are MANY dating sites that you can visit where you can meet people in your position that can relate.

I remember I once felt the way you do and I ended up realizing that I was just depressed and overreacting a bit due to emotion - something you cant help sometimes.

Try exercising or find something new to do that could take your mind off this because its not as bad as you think and over time you'll look back on this and realize that you may have been a bit hard on yourself. Ive had it for almost 15 years and sometimes I forget i even have it.

I've met girls who didn't want to date me because I had herpes. Girls who didn't care and I've also met girls that when I told them I had herpes the next thing they said was "oh shit, me too!". 

Just try not to be too hard on yourself and understand that its only going to get easier from here on out. Sure you may have days where it makes you a bit sad but that's just life in general. You'll be okay 

Herpadoodledoo, Whyyyyy, Stephi and 1 other like this

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Thank you. I keep telling my self that I am overreacting and that I should not feel shame. But it just won't go away. I take my meds every day and haven't had that many out breaks. I don't really talk to anyone about it cause I feel so embarrassed. Almost like it's my fault because I trusted the wrong person. Then I get angry and fusterated with myself for feeling that way. And I just keep going around on circles. Sigh

KayBallard and Whyyyyy like this

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Like I said before, focus on something you enjoy doing right now. Because correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like the idea of herpes is consuming your thoughts and that's not good at all. I stayed with my ex because like you, I thought nobody else would want me. Let me tell you, that was the MOST toxic relationship I have EVER been in. Stressed me out to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself and my behavior.

What I did was joined an adult hockey league. It really helped me forget that I had herpes and made me realize that it doesn't have to dictate my mood and how I feel in general.  If there's anything you enjoy doing focus on that for a bit and just let things process organically without dwelling over them. And honestly, you'd be surprised how many people have herpes. I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of people have it and the minority are the ones that don't. 

But most importantly, don't beat yourself up over it. Its not worth it and you have your whole life ahead of you. Not point in wasting time being depressed about something that isn't that serious.

Give it time.

Whyyyyy, Herpadoodledoo and Kitten10468 like this

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No será grave físicamente pero sí es grave psicológicamente usted no puede decir a alguien que esté virus no es nada por que muchas personas no tienen ayuda ni apoyo y en muchas personas el virus no reacciona igual que todos unos tienen brotes constantes y otros no tanto

@KayBallard

It will not be serious physically but it is serious psychologically you can not tell someone that virus is nothing because many people do not have help or support and in many people the virus does not react as everyone has constant outbreaks and others not so much

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Posted (edited)

@Atrapasueños

Alternatively, you can let her at least strive for the ability to see it as a small thing (remember, up to 90% of the people who have it don't have symptoms) because seeing it as that is a choice. If you're a person who has chosen to let it impact your life in a serious way, then maybe you should take @KayBallard's advice yourself. You say some people aren't capable of having support/help. You're the only one impeding upon that. This is a support site and she's looking for support, and that's what she was given. 

Edited by Herpadoodledoo
KayBallard, Whyyyyy and Kitten10468 like this

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2 hours ago, KayBallard said:

Like I said before, focus on something you enjoy doing right now. Because correct me if I'm wrong but it seems like the idea of herpes is consuming your thoughts and that's not good at all. I stayed with my ex because like you, I thought nobody else would want me. Let me tell you, that was the MOST toxic relationship I have EVER been in. Stressed me out to the point where I couldn't even recognize myself and my behavior.

What I did was joined an adult hockey league. It really helped me forget that I had herpes and made me realize that it doesn't have to dictate my mood and how I feel in general.  If there's anything you enjoy doing focus on that for a bit and just let things process organically without dwelling over them. And honestly, you'd be surprised how many people have herpes. I wouldn't be surprised if the majority of people have it and the minority are the ones that don't. 

But most importantly, don't beat yourself up over it. Its not worth it and you have your whole life ahead of you. Not point in wasting time being depressed about something that isn't that serious.

Give it time.

You know you are so right. I use to play just dance on my Xbox 360 all the time and it made me feel good I had fun and got some exercise. But I don't do it any more when I am not working it's all I think about. I always feel stuck in this situation but I don't have to have to feel that way. It does feel good to know I am not the only one who had ever felt like this. It's good to know that I am not alone. Thank you so very much. I truly convinced myself that if I walk away from my current relationship then I will be alone forever cause no one will want me. And that is such a debilitating feeling

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27 minutes ago, Herpadoodledoo said:

@Atrapasueños

Alternatively, you can let her at least strive for the ability to see it as a small thing (remember, up to 90% of the people who have it don't have symptoms) because seeing it as that is a choice. If you're a person who has chosen to let it impact your life in a serious way, then maybe you should take @KayBallard's advice yourself. You say some people aren't capable of having support/help. You're the only one impeding upon that. This is a support site and she's looking for support, and that's what she was given. 

Thank you. I haven't really talked to anyone and in the beginning I thought i was ok with it dealing with it. But I am realizing that I haven't dealt with it at all. It's just festering inside of me. So I chose to look for some help. Again thank you

KayBallard and Herpadoodledoo like this

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I can tell you 100% you'll mentally become stronger every day from now and what seems like the worse thing in the world (trust me it's far from it) now will mean minimal to you in the future. 500 million worldwide have herpes.. the only difference with you is you've actually been diagnosed so it's affecting you psychologically (which can be worse than the symptoms).

I have no doubt you'll live a full healthy life and do everything you was doing before this diagnosis. Agreed.. herpes can cause physical and emotional pain but you can get past all of it. I know it isn't the best saying but really it could always be much worse.

KayBallard, Kitten10468 and Whyyyyy like this

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I feel shame and guilt too. I was sooo stupid to get H, it was so unnecessary (one night stand with old friend who misused situation when I was drunk as fish)!!! I'm afraid to pass it on my partner and can't forgive myself getting our relationship such a burden, but I know I would feel much better if my physical condition improve. I can't feel ok because I am having constant pain and health issues. I'm focusing on getting better physically first and emotionally will follow. I think it is the way. First get your body to shape, then work on your emotions and then kick your cheating boyfriend to ass and find someone who you deserve. It will take time, but I am sure you will manage it all. Wishing you the best.

mariamunich likes this

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Hello Kitten,

I see from your 10468 that you live in the Bronx. I am a New Yorker too so we have 2 things in common. We  both live in NYC and both have H. It does take some adjustment both from a psychological and physical perspective. I too have this for a year and like Monique said it was so unnecessary and a totally self inflicted wound for me. Don't let shame come into play because you did nothing wrong.

Staying with your boyfriend when you really don't want to is something you should think about changing. It won't be a meaningfully relationship in the end. If he cheated and brought it up to you and asked for forgiveness and you are willing to accept that and move forward then that is another story. If your are staying with him just because you have H too then you should think twice. There are a lot of people who have it so a good chance you will find someone who will treat you better. They may even be some without H who are willing to accept the risks using precautions who will be with you. My good friend was married to a woman who had it for 7 years and never got it. So there is a very good chance of this working out to a good outcome for you. You might also look into some counseling as it could help you work out some of the issues. Don't despair it will work out if you want it to. 

 

mariamunich, Herpadoodledoo and Whyyyyy like this

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On 5/25/2017 at 3:57 PM, MoniqueLow said:

I feel shame and guilt too. I was sooo stupid to get H, it was so unnecessary (one night stand with old friend who misused situation when I was drunk as fish)!!! I'm afraid to pass it on my partner and can't forgive myself getting our relationship such a burden, but I know I would feel much better if my physical condition improve. I can't feel ok because I am having constant pain and health issues. I'm focusing on getting better physically first and emotionally will follow. I think it is the way. First get your body to shape, then work on your emotions and then kick your cheating boyfriend to ass and find someone who you deserve. It will take time, but I am sure you will manage it all. Wishing you the best.

You are not stupid. Every one makes mistakes and uses bad judgment sometimes and remember it takes 2 to tango. I use to think I was stupid because I trusted the wrong person but I am starting to realize that sometimes bad things happen to good people. And that every one makes mistakes. We are all human. I have decided I am not going to beat myself up about this anymore. And I am going to try to do better for myself. I wish you all the luck in the world and pray things get better for you. Good luck to you too

MoniqueLow likes this

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Hey Kitten,

It is pretty normal that you feel like this. I also went through different stages from being shamed and embarrassed to denial, anger, and frustration. It does take some time to process it and get to a point where you completely accept it. Give yourself the freedom to feel what you feel - allow it. I talked a lot about it with my close friends, even though they couldn't really understand my position completely, it really helped me. After some time I stopped talking about it so much because I felt that it was time to focus on something else. You got this! 

On 5/25/2017 at 5:28 PM, Kitten10468 said:

It's been alittle less then a year since I was diagnosed with herpies and I still feel shame. I feel like I might has well stay with my cheating boyfriend who have it to me since no one else will want me. I feel like one I tell them they will just move on to the next women and won't want to be with me. I know that is probably not true but I can't seem to shake the feelings I have. Help

 

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On 5/25/2017 at 8:57 PM, MoniqueLow said:

I feel shame and guilt too. I was sooo stupid to get H, it was so unnecessary (one night stand with old friend who misused situation when I was drunk as fish)!!! I'm afraid to pass it on my partner and can't forgive myself getting our relationship such a burden, but I know I would feel much better if my physical condition improve. I can't feel ok because I am having constant pain and health issues. I'm focusing on getting better physically first and emotionally will follow. I think it is the way. First get your body to shape, then work on your emotions and then kick your cheating boyfriend to ass and find someone who you deserve. It will take time, but I am sure you will manage it all. Wishing you the best.

2

Hi Monique,

I know how hard it is if your body is in bad shape and you feel pain and are sick all the time. I also went through this. I truly believe that the emotional/mental stuff goes hand in hand with your body condition. All the best! 

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Posted (edited)

You shouldnt feel down. People will still want you. Ive never been rejected fir having herpes. You kust bring it up like its not a big deal (cuz its not). Take yout meds and youll be good. Ive never given it to any sexual partnera ive had. Your life is still the same as it was.

Edited by Vickolo1

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@Kitten10468 you will be stuck with yiur bf if you keep thinking the way you do.  Where is the evidence that says no one will want you.  Ive just kicked my loser ass bf to the kerb. Rather be alone that treated like crap.  Plus 3 others know i have hsv and will date me.  Not an issue.  Be optimistic not pessimistic. 

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