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unrelentingagony

7 Months In

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unrelentingagony

Some days are better than others, like all things. Some days I think about it very rarely. Some days I think about it all day. Yet, even if I am not thinking about it, it has carefully lodged itself in the back of my mind. Something that makes it so I can never truly feel happy. I can feel stable. I can feel content. But the actual feeling of happiness has vanished from my life. 

I am either okay, or sad. Really, really sad. It's like something good will happen in my life, but in the back of my mind, I remember what has happened to me. I remember this virus in my body and I remember that I did this to myself. I remember how carefree I used to be, and I mourn my old self. 

I have passed the denial phase, and now I can't even imagine not having this. Symptoms or not my disposition for life has changed. I am not sure how to get my happiness back.

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WilsoInAus

Hey @eva13, why are you doing this to yourself you sweet girl.

Your testing was conclusive at 12 weeks, there is no indication that you have genital herpes. No swab or IgG blood test has indicated a hint of HSV. You really can believe this.

Regardless of one's HSV status, and the 80 other viruses that you may have in your body, there is no reason not to feel happy. You are human, not a machine, and humans get natural viruses from time to time, quite a few are permanent for life.

Perhaps the only thing that has happened is that you learnt the name of a virus? That actually gives you more power to achieve happiness, not less.

There is no need get your happiness back. It never left you. It is inside you, just waiting to shine again!

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Joe1976

Would it not be good idea to do WB as you are not trusting your negative igg and swab? This could give you more understanding of your situation and money would be more than well spend. It would be crazy be suffering years of sadness for something that was never there in the first place. 

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Lisajd

I think there is this notion that we have to be really happy and life is not a box of chocolates as Forrest Gump would say.   Everyone has up and down days for various different reasons but you are the only one who can control how these things affect you.  But if you have not tested positive I agreed why are you continuing to torture yourself

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unrelentingagony

I appreciate your kind words @WilsoInAus @Joe1976 and @Lisajd. I know I haven't tested positive via swab or IgG but I did test positive twice for IgM, with increasing numbers each time. I feel that I have the symptoms. I feel pins and needles in my legs, itchiness on and off at least a little bit each day, weird bumps I didn't use to get before. None of them turn into lesions and are never painful enough where I can't touch them but I just feel that my body has changed. 

I know some people don't test positive for years - weird cases but it happens. 

I am currently on daily suppressive therapy because I am so afraid of getting an outbreak. I think I have to stop taking antivirals for 4 months before getting a WB but I am afraid if I stop I will be so uncomfortable or finally get lesions and a very bad outbreak :(

Some of my symptoms are way too specific to write off. Chronic itchiness and sometimes discomfort - definitely brought on by either my period or sexual activity. Tingly legs and groin - although never in a prodromal sort of way, more in a consistent nerve damage type of way. 

I am going to get IgG tested again in September, but I really feel like my body is telling me I have the virus. Too loud to ignore. 

Definitely very open to your thoughts on this.

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Lisajd

I do suggest you come off medication because without a proper diagnosis you are taking something that you may not need for a start and it can possibly impact on your igg test.  And if you were to have an outbreak it would probably be mild.  Who is to say that you are going to get it out break anyway

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