I was just diagnosed with HSV 1 and this was the first time I had been tested for it. I am not sure how long I’ve had it and now I’m feeling a lot of stress and anxiety. A lot of my friends have had cold sores before and I know they’re super common but I am so afraid of passing it to someone else with an unknown outbreak. I know that HSV 1 can be oral or genital but is most commonly oral. I don’t think I’ve had an outbreak yet because I figured it would be easy to recall. I’ve had a small fluid filled bump above my lip for a month or so that at one point I picked off and it grew back. It hasn’t bursted and doesn’t hurt at all. I’m not sure if this is my first outbreak or if it’s just something else. Is there any kind of medication I can take to lower the chances of spreading it to another person?
I was diagnosed with herpes-2 about 3 weeks ago, I had gone in for std testing because my boyfriend cheated. I had been having strange side cramps then some discharge I anticipated a yeast infection. I told my gynecologist that I had been getting chafe a lot but only on one side of my vagina. She suggested getting full testing as it may be herpes that has not come through (a breakout) yet. While I did have a yeast infection two weeks later I learned I had herpes. I have been with him 3 years and was tested and clean before him and one year later after finding he had another girlfriend I tested clean again. When I told him he was very calm too calm and I think he knew he had it! I also found condoms that had fallen out of his bag a few weeks ago. I can not understand why he would do this to me.
I’m so fucking upset. I found out I had HSV2 this last June and I was so sick in hospital (before I knew) with fever chills my whole body felt like it got hit by a truck. They thought I had meningitis. Then I realized I had sores and got tested for herpes and came back positive. So since then I keep having outbreaks! I have a healthy diet I don’t drink I live a normal life. I even got vitamin C powder and L-lysine to take. My doctor ended up putting me on Valtrex to take every day since I kept getting outbreaks. But nope! Still Happening. I swear I get them every other week and it makes me SO ANGRY I’ve never had so much rage I seriously hate my life now. I can’t even exercise anymore and I’m afraid to even have sex with my boyfriend who surprisingly doesn’t have it. Does anyone else get them all the time? I’ve never talked to anyone about it besides my doctor and boyfriend so figured I’d join this thing and at least talk to someone who has been through it. UGH
Wow. So, I just got the test results about an hour ago. After calling my mom and sobbing uncontrollably, I did some reading. I read a lot about other women's experiences, and also ended up on this website. Needless to say, I am incredibly upset about it. I feel disgusting. Dirty, gross, like nothing. The worst part: I don't know who gave it to me. I have had more than one sexual partner this past month, and frankly, it is going to be fucking hard to tell them. I don't know how I am going to tell these people, how they will react, if they will tell our friends. Who will I be known as? Who will I become? I'm concerned about future relationships. How to tell those future boyfriends. Will anyone ever love me? I don't want this to become who I am, but right now in the moment, it's hard. Luckily, I am getting medication and seeing a therapist next week. I think that will help. I'm shattered. I'm currently in college, and this is going to be a chip on my shoulder for a while. It almost sucks not having other people know, because they have no idea how hard this is or what I'm going through-- getting diagnosed, all the symptoms, etc. For now, I'm going to try and just take each day at a time. Morale is low, will to live is low, but we always make it to tomorrow. Always. It's never the end, and I don't want this to be the end. Anyways, here I am: needing support, and also ready to give it.
Since I am having such a hard time dealing with my GHSV diagnosis, I thought it would be beneficial to express my emotions via a poem. I welcome all feedback, and thank you for reading:
"Death To My Giver "
My giver was a male, and his penis looked clean
I looked and searched around, but no bumps were seen
We had sex on the couch, and sex in his room
He had an open invitation, as a guest in my womb
My vagina let him in, with a hug and a squeeze
His penis returned the favor, with an incurable disease
Six days later, feeling symptoms in my bed
Taking selfies of my vagina, of bumps that turned red
My worst nightmare in the world, unfolding before my eyes
With no one to talk to, to comfort my cries
Having to go to work, with blisters and in pain
Losing sleep and my mind, isolated and insane
Doctors visits, drugs, and crying for days
Drinking myself to sleep, in an ambien haze
Reading stats and blogs, to make it all seem okay
Feeling worse about my life, with each passing day
A fever, a headache, swollen glands, and the chills
Looking back on meeting you, I should have run for the hills
You infected me, and left me, to deal with it alone
You showed no remorse, no answer from your phone
Now my choice is gone, and the freedom to have sex
Replaced with insecurity, fear, and hiding bottles of Valtrex
The stigma and the pain for the rest of my life
Will I become a mother, a girlfriend, or become somebody's wife?
Will I be accepted, loved, and made whole again?
Or will I be rejected, sad, a lonely old hen?
Hearing jokes about herpes, now it hurts all the more
Having to tell myself I'm not dirty, repeat, I am not a whore
I was tested before, for HSV and all
It always came back negative, never once received a call
I want to sue you and scream, the most repulsive guy
It gives me pleasure to think about every way you may die
Every ounce of anger I have, directed at you
So DEATH TO MY GIVER, you probably knew
Anyone who suffers terribly with unusual symptoms and doesn't understand what's going on, we need to talk, because I can't be the only one
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