I’m so fucking upset. I found out I had HSV2 this last June and I was so sick in hospital (before I knew) with fever chills my whole body felt like it got hit by a truck. They thought I had meningitis. Then I realized I had sores and got tested for herpes and came back positive. So since then I keep having outbreaks! I have a healthy diet I don’t drink I live a normal life. I even got vitamin C powder and L-lysine to take. My doctor ended up putting me on Valtrex to take every day since I kept getting outbreaks. But nope! Still Happening. I swear I get them every other week and it makes me SO ANGRY I’ve never had so much rage I seriously hate my life now. I can’t even exercise anymore and I’m afraid to even have sex with my boyfriend who surprisingly doesn’t have it. Does anyone else get them all the time? I’ve never talked to anyone about it besides my doctor and boyfriend so figured I’d join this thing and at least talk to someone who has been through it. UGH
Wow. So, I just got the test results about an hour ago. After calling my mom and sobbing uncontrollably, I did some reading. I read a lot about other women's experiences, and also ended up on this website. Needless to say, I am incredibly upset about it. I feel disgusting. Dirty, gross, like nothing. The worst part: I don't know who gave it to me. I have had more than one sexual partner this past month, and frankly, it is going to be fucking hard to tell them. I don't know how I am going to tell these people, how they will react, if they will tell our friends. Who will I be known as? Who will I become? I'm concerned about future relationships. How to tell those future boyfriends. Will anyone ever love me? I don't want this to become who I am, but right now in the moment, it's hard. Luckily, I am getting medication and seeing a therapist next week. I think that will help. I'm shattered. I'm currently in college, and this is going to be a chip on my shoulder for a while. It almost sucks not having other people know, because they have no idea how hard this is or what I'm going through-- getting diagnosed, all the symptoms, etc. For now, I'm going to try and just take each day at a time. Morale is low, will to live is low, but we always make it to tomorrow. Always. It's never the end, and I don't want this to be the end. Anyways, here I am: needing support, and also ready to give it.
Since I am having such a hard time dealing with my GHSV diagnosis, I thought it would be beneficial to express my emotions via a poem. I welcome all feedback, and thank you for reading:
"Death To My Giver "
My giver was a male, and his penis looked clean
I looked and searched around, but no bumps were seen
We had sex on the couch, and sex in his room
He had an open invitation, as a guest in my womb
My vagina let him in, with a hug and a squeeze
His penis returned the favor, with an incurable disease
Six days later, feeling symptoms in my bed
Taking selfies of my vagina, of bumps that turned red
My worst nightmare in the world, unfolding before my eyes
With no one to talk to, to comfort my cries
Having to go to work, with blisters and in pain
Losing sleep and my mind, isolated and insane
Doctors visits, drugs, and crying for days
Drinking myself to sleep, in an ambien haze
Reading stats and blogs, to make it all seem okay
Feeling worse about my life, with each passing day
A fever, a headache, swollen glands, and the chills
Looking back on meeting you, I should have run for the hills
You infected me, and left me, to deal with it alone
You showed no remorse, no answer from your phone
Now my choice is gone, and the freedom to have sex
Replaced with insecurity, fear, and hiding bottles of Valtrex
The stigma and the pain for the rest of my life
Will I become a mother, a girlfriend, or become somebody's wife?
Will I be accepted, loved, and made whole again?
Or will I be rejected, sad, a lonely old hen?
Hearing jokes about herpes, now it hurts all the more
Having to tell myself I'm not dirty, repeat, I am not a whore
I was tested before, for HSV and all
It always came back negative, never once received a call
I want to sue you and scream, the most repulsive guy
It gives me pleasure to think about every way you may die
Every ounce of anger I have, directed at you
So DEATH TO MY GIVER, you probably knew
This has been the worst week of my life and I’m glad to have found this online community. Trying to wrap my head around this and the pain has just been excruciating.
I’m on Valtrex since Tuesday and slightly feeling better now. I am still waiting for my lab results but the symptoms and my doctor make me think I definitely have Herpes. My doctor also is pretty sure, due to severity of the outbreak and recent sexual history, that I got it from the most recent partner I had (my ex and I were really long term and neither of us ever had any symptoms, I know that’s not a 100% certain but doctor seems pretty sure I would have been exposed a few days before this first outbreak...)
Also the guy I’m with has told me very openly that he’s been in a ton of casual relationships, whereas my ex, like me, has had just a few long-term relationships- again, I know I can’t be 100% sure but...) this is my first fairly casual sexual relationship (we’ve been seeing each other on and off for less than a month) anyway it’s most likely the new guy and now I have to tell him that he probably had this but not sure how to tell him, I don’t know if he’s going to overreact or maybe accuse me of having given it to him and to be honest despite everything I really like him and hope he won’t just walk a away for ever. He’s not from here, has only been in the US for a few years and based on a few conversations I’ve had with him about sex in general, he doesn’t seem to have had the same sex ed I grew up with here and isn’t super informed. He also says he doesn’t believe in doctors in the US (“they just want your money”) and while I agree the healthcare system here compared to Europe where I’ve lived pretty much sucks, I feel that he might not believe me because of that. I feel like I won’t ever find anyone again, I’m in my early forties and dating where I live is hard enough but dating with this condition... Thanks for listening and any advice on how to disclose in my situation would be appreciated!
Hey. I’m a native Charleston guy here that was recently diagnoses with HSV2. It came as a shock to me and for the person that gave it to me! Both pretty blindsided but our goal is make the best of it. It’s not a death sentence; it just changes the game a little. I’d love to connect with other in the Charleston, SC area that would like to share their stories, maybe meet for a social hour and help chip away at the “shame factor” associated with something that’s really nothing more than a skin disease.
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