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marie beach

Newly diagnosed and helpelsss

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marie beach

Hi everyone, 

I am 21 years old and just recently diagnosed with herpes type 2. I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year, next weekend to be exact. He's 27 years old and we live 3 hours apart from each other. I'm in college, work a part time job and do a lot of volunteering and he has a full time job, which makes a long distance relationship very difficult at times. We aren't currently dating at the moment, but talking still since we are best friends. 

I never cheated on him and never thought about anyone else, but he's messed around with 2 girls. One while we were together and another girl the night he told me he was done, broke up with me, but really it was only for 3 weeks until he realized he messed up and wanted me back so it was basically just a break. 

He's the first guy I've fallen in love with, had sex without condoms (99% of the time) and have basically never felt this way about someone and really saw a future with him. He's super charming and makes me laugh like no one does which is how I fell so hard for him. However, he's also good at manipulating me... which is why I'm so indifferent on if he knew or not that he had herpes. 

He broke up (two days before my final exams) and broke my heart.  He blamed me for his issues when I just wanted my boyfriend to give me the love and attention I deserved. He fucked around with another girl that same night and once I got back from my study abroad trip, 3 weeks later, he contacted me and cried telling me how he messed up and wanted me back. I caved in and visited him. I missed him so much and was worried for his health. We had sex, unprotected of course. Then 6-7 days later I started to have pain down and around my vagina. I at first thought it was a UTI since I never had one before. I contacted my brother whose a doctor and was worried it might be an STI and he told me I needed to see my gynecologist. The day after Memorial Day I did and I was in so much pain. I couldn't sit, stand, or walk. I didn't drink much water because of how bad it hurt to pee. When I pooped or tried too I was in so much pain I would become nauseous no had to lay down for at least 30 minutes until my legs stopped shaking and I could stand up without wanting to pass out. 

I was completely miserable. After finding out I had herpes, HSV, type 2 I was in disbelief and still haven't completely accepted it. I couldn't tell my parents, especially my mom. She would be so disappointed and would definitely contact my ex, and would never let me see him ever again. 

I confronted my ex and he had no idea how he had it since he's never had any symptoms. I told him how bad this looks considering all the videos and pictures I found on his phone of that girl he slept with not to long ago and lied to me about it.  He was extremely apologetic and supportive though. However, he denies that he has to of had it since he's gotten tested year round since college, but has never had the HSV blood test. I asked to see his previous STI records to look at them and he is hesitant to have me see them. Which scares me because its like he has something to hide. 

I haven't had anyone to confide into. I've told my brother, sister, current boss and 2 friends. They don't understand though how stressed, disgusted, confused, and disappointed I am. I feel like a burden talking to them because they can't relate at all. I feel so lost and helpless. I can't accept this diagnoses. I know it won't "ruin my life" but t sure as heck feels like it is.  I can't even say it out loud. My ex, who I'm still talking to that gave me herpes, hasn't gotten the HSV blood test still because he's "busy" with work and other things. He's always had excuses and can be selfish. Therefore it worries me that he doesn't care that he gave me this and doesn't care about putting in effort to have our relationship work out again. 

Im in desperate need of help and willing to listen to anything has to say. I appreciate if you read all of this, sorry it's long. 

Edited by marie beach

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Felina88

Honestly, I'd tell him you want to see his blood test results before you're ever willing to speak to him again. From that point on, I'd make it a priority not to contact him. If he's "innocent" he will give you his results. If he lied to you and knowingly gave you a disease, then he's an abuser that has no place in your life anyway.

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marie beach

I just can't wrap my head around how he would of willingly gave me this. Like if he truly cared and is so in love with me how could he hurt me like that and give me this. I just don't understand... isn't that illegal too?!

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cantdoit
6 hours ago, marie beach said:

Hi everyone, 

I am 21 years old and just recently diagnosed with herpes type 2. I was with my ex-boyfriend for almost a year, next weekend to be exact. He's 27 years old and we live 3 hours apart from each other. I'm in college, work a part time job and do a lot of volunteering and he has a full time job, which makes a long distance relationship very difficult at times. We aren't currently dating at the moment, but talking still since we are best friends. 

I never cheated on him and never thought about anyone else, but he's messed around with 2 girls. One while we were together and another girl the night he told me he was done, broke up with me, but really it was only for 3 weeks until he realized he messed up and wanted me back so it was basically just a break. 

He's the first guy I've fallen in love with, had sex without condoms (99% of the time) and have basically never felt this way about someone and really saw a future with him. He's super charming and makes me laugh like no one does which is how I fell so hard for him. However, he's also good at manipulating me... which is why I'm so indifferent on if he knew or not that he had herpes. 

He broke up (two days before my final exams) and broke my heart.  He blamed me for his issues when I just wanted my boyfriend to give me the love and attention I deserved. He fucked around with another girl that same night and once I got back from my study abroad trip, 3 weeks later, he contacted me and cried telling me how he messed up and wanted me back. I caved in and visited him. I missed him so much and was worried for his health. We had sex, unprotected of course. Then 6-7 days later I started to have pain down and around my vagina. I at first thought it was a UTI since I never had one before. I contacted my brother whose a doctor and was worried it might be an STI and he told me I needed to see my gynecologist. The day after Memorial Day I did and I was in so much pain. I couldn't sit, stand, or walk. I didn't drink much water because of how bad it hurt to pee. When I pooped or tried too I was in so much pain I would become nauseous no had to lay down for at least 30 minutes until my legs stopped shaking and I could stand up without wanting to pass out. 

I was completely miserable. After finding out I had herpes, HSV, type 2 I was in disbelief and still haven't completely accepted it. I couldn't tell my parents, especially my mom. She would be so disappointed and would definitely contact my ex, and would never let me see him ever again. 

I confronted my ex and he had no idea how he had it since he's never had any symptoms. I told him how bad this looks considering all the videos and pictures I found on his phone of that girl he slept with not to long ago and lied to me about it.  He was extremely apologetic and supportive though. However, he denies that he has to of had it since he's gotten tested year round since college, but has never had the HSV blood test. I asked to see his previous STI records to look at them and he is hesitant to have me see them. Which scares me because its like he has something to hide. 

I haven't had anyone to confide into. I've told my brother, sister, current boss and 2 friends. They don't understand though how stressed, disgusted, confused, and disappointed I am. I feel like a burden talking to them because they can't relate at all. I feel so lost and helpless. I can't accept this diagnoses. I know it won't "ruin my life" but t sure as heck feels like it is.  I can't even say it out loud. My ex, who I'm still talking to that gave me herpes, hasn't gotten the HSV blood test still because he's "busy" with work and other things. He's always had excuses and can be selfish. Therefore it worries me that he doesn't care that he gave me this and doesn't care about putting in effort to have our relationship work out again. 

Im in desperate need of help and willing to listen to anything has to say. I appreciate if you read all of this, sorry it's long. 

This guy is a sociopath. Has no conscience. In some states it's a felony to  infect. You'd have to prove he knew. Contact a lawyer. Also stay away from this guy. You're worth much more. 

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Whyyyyy
2 hours ago, marie beach said:

I just can't wrap my head around how he would of willingly gave me this. Like if he truly cared and is so in love with me how could he hurt me like that and give me this. I just don't understand... isn't that illegal too?!

Hey sweet girl, so sorry you're going through this too!

But reality is he honestly may not have known he has this...I've read that 85-90% of people with hsv2 don't know bc they either don't show symptoms or their symptoms are very mild. I'm "assymptomatic" (can't tell if I'm having an outbreak) and wouldn't have known had I not gotten a full panel at a lab. My gyno even told me that without an outbreak I don't have a diagnosis. Crazy! 

So I guess I would just say, don't jump to conclusions...you may never know if he knew or not and that's so hard...but I think forgiveness is important in this process for your wellbeing, proceed cautiously though of course. 

And know there are some things in the works to make this even less of an issue for the future! 

PM me anytime if you want to talk!

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cantdoit
1 hour ago, Whyyyyy said:

Hey sweet girl, so sorry you're going through this too!

But reality is he honestly may not have known he has this...I've read that 85-90% of people with hsv2 don't know bc they either don't show symptoms or their symptoms are very mild. I'm "assymptomatic" (can't tell if I'm having an outbreak) and wouldn't have known had I not gotten a full panel at a lab. My gyno even told me that without an outbreak I don't have a diagnosis. Crazy! 

So I guess I would just say, don't jump to conclusions...you may never know if he knew or not and that's so hard...but I think forgiveness is important in this process for your wellbeing, proceed cautiously though of course. 

And know there are some things in the works to make this even less of an issue for the future! 

PM me anytime if you want to talk!

And possible he did know.  She's suspicious. Trust your instincts. My giver knew. It happens all the time. 

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Whyyyyy
Just now, cantdoit said:

And possible he did know.  She's suspicious. Trust your instincts. My giver knew. It happens all the time. 

Yes, that's true but probably not the case. You've seen the stats/heard the stories on how most people don't know they have it.

I'm sorry you're so upset. And I'm sorry this happened to you. I get it, I don't want to have this virus either. But, I see you call people sociopaths constantly while that may be true in some cases, not all. There really are situations where people don't know they have it and unwittingly pass it on. It sucks! But It's probably more practical to assume that's the case more often than not. If it helps you and makes you feel better to say your giver is a sociopath, fine that may be true...I just don't think it's helpful to tell people who are newly diagnosed & come on here for support that their giver is a sociopath. 

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cantdoit
12 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

Yes, that's true but probably not the case. You've seen the stats/heard the stories on how most people don't know they have it.

I'm sorry you're so upset. And I'm sorry this happened to you. I get it, I don't want to have this virus either. But, I see you call people sociopaths constantly while that may be true in some cases, not all. There really are situations where people don't know they have it and unwittingly pass it on. It sucks! But It's probably more practical to assume that's the case more often than not. If it helps you and makes you feel better to say your giver is a sociopath, fine that may be true...I just don't think it's helpful to tell people who are newly diagnosed & come on here for support that their giver is a sociopath. 

Think what you want. Don't kid yourself. People who know they have this virus knowingly sleep around without disclosing all the time. Why should they care?  Their wonderful doctor probably told them it's no big deal. Just a skin condition. Everyone has it. Tell that to the people with constant symptoms and health issues who suffer daily. She deserves better than that scum.  Read what he's done. He's got no conscience. Furthermore, since I'm the one who actually knew my giver and the situation I'm going to say I can judge on whether or not he's a sociopath and whether he knew he had it. I will tell people that if I choose. 

Edited by cantdoit

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cantdoit
1 minute ago, cantdoit said:

Think what you want. Don't kid yourself. People who know they have this virus knowingly sleep around without disclosing all the time. Why should they care?  Their wonderful doctor probably told them it's no big deal. Just a skin condition. Everyone has it. Tell that to the people with constant symptoms and health issues who suffer daily. She deserves better than that scum.  Read what he's done. He's got no conscience. Furthermore, since I'm the one who actually knew my giver and the situation I'm going to say I can judge on whether or not he's a sociopath and whether he knew he had it. 

 

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Whyyyyy
5 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

Think what you want. Don't kid yourself. People who know they have this virus knowingly sleep around without disclosing all the time. Why should they care?  Their wonderful doctor probably told them it's no big deal. Just a skin condition. Everyone has it. Tell that to the people with constant symptoms and health issues who suffer daily. She deserves better than that scum.  Read what he's done. He's got no conscience. Furthermore, since I'm the one who actually knew my giver and the situation I'm going to say I can judge on whether or not he's a sociopath and whether he knew he had it. I will tell people that if I choose. 

I'm not here to argue with you...yes, people do knowingly have HSV and sleep with people without disclosing. And yes, if he's a cheater she absolutely deserves better. But I don't think telling her that someone she was in love with would do that to her helps the situation whatsoever. If anything it makes it more traumatic. And frankly, it's not based on facts. It's like you take your emotions towards your giver and project them on other people's situations. Not everybody has to hate the person who put them in this situation. I hate that I have this for the rest of my life but I don't hate the man that gave it to me. What does that solve? I at one time loved him very much actually. Like I said your giver very well may be a sociopath, and again I'm sorry you met him and he put you in this situation... but not everyone who passes this to someone knew they had it and is a sociopath or lacks a conscious. Sh!t just happens sometimes and it's unfortunate. 

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cantdoit
7 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

I'm not here to argue with you...yes, people do knowingly have HSV and sleep with people without disclosing. And yes, if he's a cheater she absolutely deserves better. But I don't think telling her that someone she was in love with would do that to her helps the situation whatsoever. If anything it makes it more traumatic. And frankly, it's not based on facts. It's like you take your emotions towards your giver and project them on other people's situations. Not everybody has to hate the person who put them in this situation. I hate that I have this for the rest of my life but I don't hate the man that gave it to me. What does that solve? I at one time loved him very much actually. Like I said your giver very well may be a sociopath, and again I'm sorry you met him and he put you in this situation... but not everyone who passes this to someone knew they had it and is a sociopath or lacks a conscious. Sh!t just happens sometimes and it's unfortunate. 

Sometimes shit happens and sometimes it happens because someone made it happen. She is wondering. Those are her instincts. She's suspicious even before I commented. If in fact it's true and he knowingly slept with her then she she should get as far away as possible.  She should follow her instincts. Look up dating a sociopath for fun. It talks about sleeping around and condoms.  Very often they have stds. But let's tell her to forgive. This way, she'll stick around him and what then?  There is a place in life for anger. 

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cantdoit
5 hours ago, marie beach said:

I just can't wrap my head around how he would of willingly gave me this. Like if he truly cared and is so in love with me how could he hurt me like that and give me this. I just don't understand... isn't that illegal too?!

If he truly has no conscience and it doesn't sound like it, then he isn't capable of feeling sympathy or empathy towards you. Unfortunately you will now live your life with hsv but the good news is it's a time when new treatments and possible cures are on the horizon. You're only 21. Go to a therapist if you can. Try to figure out why you've allowed this guy to treat you this way. Cheating and possibly knowingly infecting you with a lifelong virus. You are worth more than this. 

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Whyyyyy
16 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

Sometimes shit happens and sometimes it happens because someone made it happen. She is wondering. Those are her instincts. She's suspicious even before I commented. If in fact it's true and he knowingly slept with her then she she should get as far away as possible.  She should follow her instincts. Look up dating a sociopath for fun. It talks about sleeping around and condoms.  Very often they have stds. But let's tell her to forgive. This way, she'll stick around him and what then?  There is a place in life for anger. 

I work in mental health, I'm aware of what a sociopath is. The truth is, people sleep around for a multitude of reasons with or without condoms... not every person who does this lacks a conscience...I think a lot of times it's an I'm invincible mentality or because they're insecure.

But in my experience; forgiveness is for yourself, your own sanity. Forgiving him  probably won't happen over night and it certainly doesn't mean she has to stay...we can agree to disagree. 

Edited by Whyyyyy

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Whyyyyy
6 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

If he truly has no conscience and it doesn't sound like it, then he isn't capable of feeling sympathy or empathy towards you. Unfortunately you will now live your life with hsv but the good news is it's a time when new treatments and possible cures are on the horizon. You're only 21. Go to a therapist if you can. Try to figure out why you've allowed this guy to treat you this way. Cheating and possibly knowingly infecting you with a lifelong virus. You are worth more than this. 

I can agree with this!!!!

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cantdoit
1 hour ago, Whyyyyy said:

I work in mental health, I'm aware of what a sociopath is. The truth is, people sleep around for a multitude of reasons with or without condoms... not every person who does this lacks a conscience...I think a lot of times it's an I'm invincible mentality or because they're insecure.

But in my experience; forgiveness is for yourself, your own sanity. Forgiving him  probably won't happen over night and it certainly doesn't mean she has to stay...we can agree to disagree. 

There are people who don't deserve to be forgiven. Maybe the anger helps us to be more careful next time. Anger can be very healthy. 

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WilsoInAus

Once again this is all speculation that you even have herpes @cantdoit

And you couldn't be more wrong. The Lord Jesus forgives is all, all you need to do is open your heart to him and you are saved.

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Disc0rdant
27 minutes ago, WilsoInAus said:

Once again this is all speculation that you even have herpes @cantdoit

And you couldn't be more wrong. The Lord Jesus forgives is all, all you need to do is open your heart to him and you are saved.

Sometimes Jesus cannot save from bullying @cantdoit

 

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WilsoInAus

What bullying? Can you be more specific? If you mean attempting to incite someone to take legal action against someone else, then yes I agree.

If not then you need to seriously reflect upon why you felt the need to make such a post, what do you fear?

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cantdoit
1 hour ago, Disc0rdant said:

Sometimes Jesus cannot save from bullying @cantdoit

 

Ignore him. Many have to. 

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WilsoInAus
22 minutes ago, cantdoit said:

Ignore him. Many have to. 

And most have to ignore your comments, they're very angry. Ain't nobody got time for that?

How do you think people feel when they read your posts, what value do they extract? What value do you extract? What do you fear?

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Lisajd
16 hours ago, marie beach said:

I just can't wrap my head around how he would of willingly gave me this. Like if he truly cared and is so in love with me how could he hurt me like that and give me this. I just don't understand... isn't that illegal too?!

We cannot give you advice on why he would do something purposely to you and only evidence is going to tell you whether he knew he had it or not.  And unless you were ever tested prior to him there is a possibility that you had it beforehand but if your symptoms were relatively after you had sex he is the likely person if you had a swab test.  What is really important is for you to focus on moving forward and the comments on this post have turned into a cat fight and you should really take them out of the equation because you know him better than anyone else to be able to determine whether he is a liar or not.  Secondly even if you did no he had it there are a lot of people who believe that if they have no symptoms they cannot transmit it and that is partly because they are uneducated or the doctor tells them not to worry about disclosing.  What I want to say to you as an older person it sucks that you have visit 21 but you have so much still to enjoyed in your life and having herpes does not stop you from living your life unless you have ongoing serious symptoms.  So please just focus on moving forward and being happy because life is short and worry about men when they are older and more mature because if he has cheated on you before he is not someone you want to take back in my opinion

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Joe1976

Claiming other people sociopaths over internet is not cool and gives no support. Just negative energy. I wish you all the best marie.

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WilsoInAus
16 hours ago, cantdoit said:

This guy is a sociopath. Has no conscience. In some states it's a felony to  infect. You'd have to prove he knew. Contact a lawyer. Also stay away from this guy. You're worth much more. 

It is NOT a fellony to infect someone with herpes alone.

It MAY be a fellony in SOME US states if and only if:

- the person knew they had genital HSV-2 AND
- the person did not disclose AND
- the person exposed the other person to unacceptable risk of infection.

This is not a perspective on the issue of disclosure, but ensuring laws are understood.

I am not aware of a case in the US where someone has been convicted, does anyone have an example?

There is someone in the UK who was convicted but released as time served upon appeal. Basically conviction occurred as antivirals or condom was not used.

Edited by WilsoInAus

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marie beach

I did not do oral with him (thank god). And my outbreak was so bad my gynecologist couldn't swab me. I'm going to get an HIV blood test done because I just need to be reassured I don't have anything else.  

Thank you all for your support and concerns. I greatly, really appreciate them. 

I just recently completely ended it with my ex, the guy who gave me herpes. I found out his phone that he had the same girl he cheated on me with under a different contact in his phone after reading disturbing texts they sent to each other about how good their sex is. It made me so sick and disgusting reading it and I could get the messages out of my head. His excuse of continuing having sex with her was that we weren't "official dating." At that point I knew he's nothing but a liar and cheater. After all those times he begged me to come back and promised me that he was still in love with me and saw us being together for our future makes me angry. We argued and argued and he depends on alcohol a lot and I told him he needs to cut back and become healthy. He called me disgusted and physo because I have herpes and I looked through his phone. He doesn't believe he has it because he doesn't have symptoms and won't get tested. 

I ultimately hate myself so much because I still am in love for care and worry about him. I've always put him before myself and I can't stop thinking about still wanting be with him. The fact he was still have sex with her because I couldn't since I'm still recovering from my outbreak makes me feel even more disgusted and ugly with myself and my body. He's good at manipulating me and making me feel bad about myself and that this is all my fault.

A lot of people only hear the bad things that he's done to me, but he has so much potential in him when he's a good person. We had so many good times together and I knew we had true, real true between each other. It all just took a turn one day. 

I know I need to move on and become more mentally stronger, but I don't feel like anyone will ever love me for me. I feel as if I will never, ever be happy again..

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