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Asharmz

Need some advice !!

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Asharmz

Hi everyone I am a 28 y.o. Male and I do not have hsv1 or hsv2. I am sorry if I offend anyone by joining a forum for people that have it but I have nowhere else to turn. Reason I joined is because there is this woman that I'm in love with for the better part of a year , we never did anything and she would push me away finally I had enough and asked her what the deal was, she finally came out and told me that she has HSV2 that she contracted years ago and kept pushing me away because she was afraid of spreading it to me.

   My immediate response was wow I really do appreciate you trusting me enough to actually tell me and honestly it made me want her even more. I don't care that she has it, and I told her that as well, but I felt like I may have been too laxed in my expression to the news. I talked to her about it and tried to find as much information out of her as I possibly can but honestly I felt like I may have messed up because to be totally honest I don't know enough about it, rather I don't know what it's like to live with it.  I've taken it upon myself to do research on hsv2, I've even visited doctors to ask what can I possibly be in store for, preventative measures , etc. 

   She doesn't know I've done this, she went from telling me she loves me to she can't put me through that because it isn't right. I don't look at her any different nor does it change the fact that I do love her. Now here's where I need help  

1: how do I go about telling her that I'm well aware of the risks of pursuing this? 

2: If I do happen to contract it I won't hold it against her and I don't want her to feel guilty. 

3: how do I bring up that I honestly feel safer with her knowing she has it ( meaning I know what I'm getting myself into and am well aware of the risk and will be willing to put up with it for her sake)? 

Please any advice will be greatly appreciated. Again I'm really sorry of my presence here offends anyone I just really have nowhere else to turn.

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WilsoInAus

Hey mate, welcome @Asharmz.

There is zero offence in coming here to anyone. It is a forum to for everyone to learn how to minimise the impact of herpes on our lives. This shows that you care.

Advice is just that. Advice. What you choose to do with it is up to you. I hope you get a few different perspectives that helps you choose wisely for your situation.

I suggest you have now done enough in terms of telling her that it is OK to proceed with a sexual relationship. Your mindset is what is important (which is mature in my view ) and not what you say and how often you say it. The issue is her mindset over this that will hopefully relax and change. It is simply enough to say you love and care for her and want to share life and dreams together.

I would start with suggesting she consider taking antivirals. Not because it reduces risk per se, but will hopefully make her feel more confident she has done all that can reasonably be expected on her part to reduce risk to an optimal extent.

Take things slowly. Spend time just kissing and holding her. Maybe then move to touching her in addition (nothing more) for a period of time (weeks, couple of months), moving to oral sex and hopefully vaginal sex with a condom - all slowly such that she's not quite as fearful of each step as she would be today. Keep focussed on things to do together, dinners with friends, walks, going to the movies etc. Confidence from the feeling that the relationship is right for the long term will help.

 

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Lisajd

What you have stated yourself in your questions is how you talk to her.  Does she know she is low risk herself?  

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Whyyyyy

Let me first just say that I applaud you! You seem like a wonderful man! Have you considered letting her read what you wrote here?

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Asharmz
17 minutes ago, Whyyyyy said:

Let me first just say that I applaud you! You seem like a wonderful man! Have you considered letting her read what you wrote here?

Thank you very much whyyyyy, and no I have not, actually never thought about showing it to her. We're both very big on actions speak louder than words, but it might be worth a shot ? 

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Asharmz
38 minutes ago, Lisajd said:

What you have stated yourself in your questions is how you talk to her.  Does she know she is low risk herself?  

Nope she doesn't she thinks she is high risk and doesn't want to risk giving it to me. 

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Whyyyyy
1 hour ago, Asharmz said:

Thank you very much whyyyyy, and no I have not, actually never thought about showing it to her. We're both very big on actions speak louder than words, but it might be worth a shot ? 

I think it would be perfect!

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Whyyyyy
1 hour ago, Asharmz said:

Nope she doesn't she thinks she is high risk and doesn't want to risk giving it to me. 

I know exactly how she feels; I got diagnosed while in a relationship with a man who does/did not have H and chose to stand by me...he told me all of the things you said. But putting someone you love at risk for this is the hardest thing ever! Use lube with carnageenan (spelling), have her take daily antivirals and use condoms. Just know that if you do all of those things and you still get it you cannot blame her or resent her after the fact, she can only take reasonable precautions to protect you...I know you say you won't but that's my biggest fear with my boyfriend and I know he loves me! There's just a lot of emotions that come with this diagnosis; and she wants to protect you from that! Good luck, I wish you both the very best! I know she feels blessed to have you and your unconditional love!

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Lisajd

I think that she needs to understand that she is low-risk and this is also about you finding out from her about the frequency of her outbreaks because this can determine the risk factor as well.  But if she is determined then maybe you have to let it go.  And I concur as well that's why I left you know how you are ok with those guys should have ended up with it and then regret it and that is really hard on the person who passes it on.

And no one can predict the future almost you might think it is perfect now what if down the track you do get it and break up how will that affect you and have you really thought about that.  I guess the thing you need to point out to her is that she knows he have it and therefore you are able to take precautions because there are so many people out there who don't know that have it and you can end up with it anyway because that next person can pass it unknowingly.  

I was in a situation where I was with someone and was diagnosed and it was not from him and he would not have sex with me again and when I said to him about the risks he would still not take the risk and when he met someone you the first thing I said to him was make sure she gets tested because she may have it and not know therefore you are still at risk of getting it

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Stillme1968

there is a booklet that is downloadable 

I want to say the Herpes handbook

which would be good for you to read

maybe even read it together? 

take a good look at what your risk is with the meds and condom use

actually if she caught this years ago

the number of days she is shedding might not be that high

so do your research

Edited by Stillme1968

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