Haven't posted in a while - but I wanted to write a quick post, I had my kinda-5-year-herpes anniversary (got it on my birthday which makes it easier to remember) - and I'm happy to say that since then I've been in 4 relationships with non-herpes people (with a few short ones in between) and it has only gotten easier for me to disclose each time.
When I was first diagnosed I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I would have to disclose to everyone I meet some horrible secret, because after the initial shock it didn't feel horrible at all... it just felt like a harmless thing I had to live with.
So then I decided that that's how I was going to live my life - I tell people who I'm dating about it as soon as I can tell it's going well. Sometimes the night I meet them. And in five years I have not met a single person who has turned me away because of it.
I truly, truly believe it's the only way to live with herpes - the more we keep it a secret, the more people will think it's something to be afraid of - which it's not. When I was first diagnosed, I met someone at the Toronto herpes meetup who sat down with me and told me that it wasn't a big deal - and that generally speaking, people don't care. Five years later and it's some of the best advice I've been given.
I know there are exceptions, and I know from what people here have told me that it can be incredibly difficult to disclose, but I really hope that doesn't stop anyone here from trying.
This is just my experience - but if one person reads this and feels hope, then I'll be happy.
You're all beautiful snowflakes
How do you strike a balance between remaining unemotional in delivering a disclosure speak and any subsequent questions and being honest about how it has affected you emotionally?
For me, the emotional fallout of dealing with HSV has had a huge impact and I find it hard to rationally think about how I would deal with this and all the stress of worrying about transmission without letting on how much I am thinking about it – to not scare the other person away and make them think HSV is something to worry about.
I would want to inform a partner yet enable them to think about it with as little negativity as possible, and yet how could I do this if I was being honest about how I really feel about it?
And if I couldn't be honest about my journey with it, would that in itself cause more resentment, anger and bitterness? This time directed at the virus itself not the person that gave it to me?
In essence, for me, dealing with HSV on an emotional level wouldn’t end after a successful disclosure where someone wanted to be in a relationship with me. It’s not the end of the story.
I've always had an anxiety and I've been seeing a counseller for two years now, as a result of getting HSV. It's not helping.
How to navigate a relationship where both people have HSV2 genital and one caught HSV2 oral from the other?!?!By mcf1971
I have genital hsv2 and started dating someone who also had genital hsv2 a couple of months ago. I've had it for 18 months and he already had it for 27 years. I haven't been on antivirals because I only had the initial outbreak and 1 more mild one during this time. He was aware of that when we got into this relationship and was not worried about it but, unfortunately I believe I transmitted hsv2 to his oral area when he performed oral sex on me. Then he freaked out, I don't blame him...it was a bad outbreak. He now says that he is afraid of going down on me and doesn't know if we will be able to get passed that. This happened over the past couple of week and I discovered that he already started to check out the positive singles website again. I'm so sad!! I realize that there is a high chance that I passed this to him so now I have hsv2 genital and he has both oral and genital.
Another issue is that when we started to get intimate, I got tested for other sexually transmitted diseases and asked him to do the same. He dismissed me saying that he was very busy and was going to get to it "as soon as possible." I reminded him about the std testing after all this and he was still dismissive. If there is one thing I learned from this is that from now on I will have a conversation about sexual health/safety before even touching them! It's crazy how it's so much easier to have sex before these conversations.
What to do?
Should I get on antivirals?
Should he get on antivirals?
Or both of us?
If I have an hsv2 genital outbreak or shedding and I don't realize it, can the other person get an outbreak when they are already positive in that area?
Is there hope for us? Could he just be looking at the site because he is confused or he wasn't that interested to begin with?
So what sites are you guys considering? I've been on PS for a few months with no luck. I've also been on OKCupid and Bumble but I find myself stalling to actually meet up for fear of " the talk". What are your experiences?