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HarrisonIs

Telling Female Partners (Opinions wanted!)

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HarrisonIs

Hello!

I'm new to this forum and 10 months in since my initial outbreak.

I'm in a commited relationship currently with someone who has stuck with me since I've had the virus (it all unfolded as we started dating)

I've been reading a lot through the disclosure part of the forum and have seen a lot of success stories, however they mainly seem to be from a female telling a male. I was just curious to see how males telling females have gone? I don't know if less men seem to disclose it or if many are even on the forums? 

I'd just like to know how people are reacting to the news that someone they're dating has either HSV1 or HSV2 gentially!

Look forward to hearing your answers,

 

H

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LWestCoast

Darn I can't help here really as I'm female. I think generally guys are less likely to disclose and less likely to be on forums (this could be very ignorant, but this is just what I've experienced in my little bubble of the universe). 

If someone were telling me, I'd want them to be calm, knowledgeable, and confident. Freaking out won't help (I always freak out, it is never helpful, don't be me). Something I've tried to do to help myself is start thinking about how to tell THEM not how to just get it out. 

My therapist suggested writing emails to myself and not sending them to practice saying what I would say. I haven't done this but it sounds useful.

Good luck!

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LWestCoast

Also I would like it if the person said "because I really care about you". A confident calm knowledgeable caring approach is bettr then a freaking out crying uninformed approach. Once again, I usually do the latter. I think it takes practice :P

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Lisajd

A freaking out approach actually gives the impression that it's a big deal and that you actually have Not accepted it and in my mind that would make somebody a little uneasy.  

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wildman

Even if you think it is a "big deal," it does you no favors to convey that idea to the other person. The focus should be on the fact that the risk to the other person is minimal if precautions are taken, and that you always take all precautions and are always very careful and you have never had a problem with it in your past relationships, and that you are telling the other person about it becasue you trust them / care about them, and that it's just something you wanted them to know.

Then have all the numbers on hand if you need them (for male-to-female, condoms reduce transmission risk by 95%, per recent studies, add that to 50% risk reduction from Valtrex, and the risk of passing it on is so low that it should not really be a concern, even though nothing is ever 100%). If precautions are taken, you would be statistically more likely to die of old age than to pass it on to anyone, even if you had sex every day for the remainder of your existence.

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HarrisonIs

Thanks for the replies guys!

I don't see it as a big deal personally, even though sometimes my mind is like "IT IS! IT IS!!". I've come to terms with it and am realising how small of an impact it has actually had on me.  I do just worry that someone will overreact if it ever comes to the point where I have to disclose. As I said I'm currently in a relationship which is going great :) so it's nothing I'll need to think about any time soon as far as I'm aware!

I've not actually told anyone other than my ex (who I thought might've transmitted it to me but was apparently negative) and my current girlfriend who as far as we're aware all tests came back negative also... which I'll admit has still left me baffled as I was with no one else between the two? :/ 

 

 

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Poisonflower

I don't see how to not make it a big deal. It's f****** scary! Trying to tell someone something they might might make you feel bad about. I don't see how to be all oh it's no big deal when it is. My life hasn't been the same. It's uncomfortable, there are literally men telling me I'm not worth it all the time. It's been 8 years and I've never been genuinely loved! My life is ruined! If it's no big deal why didn't the man who gave this to me just say so. No he lied...cause it is. 

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wildman

Like I was saying, it's not that it isn't a big deal to you, it's just that you don't want it to some across that way when you disclose.  Like if you had a past partner who didn't disclose, or didn't know about it, then that was the problem, becasue if they knew and took precautions, then you would have been HIGHLY unlikely to get it. So it's not like you are doing to the next person the same "bad thing" that was done to you, and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.

It's like asking someone to go on a sailboat with you, and they never have been on a boat before - you explain that the risk is minimal, you have checked the weather, the boat has a radio and life jackets, the sea is calm, you are a careful navigator . . . the last thing you would want to do is let them know you are irrationally scared to death about what might happen if you leave the dock: the risk of collisions with speedboats piloted by drunken idiots, the risk of sudden storms, that the boat might sink, that large sharks were sighted in the ocean recently - and who knows? . . . even if you are worried about how you would feel if a storm blew your sailboat off course and you had to eat raw seabirds to survive for months on end - AGAIN - becasue the exact thing happened to you when you went out on someone else's sailboat earlier in your life (and the other person lied to you about checking the weather  - becasue OF COURSE HE DID, becasue sailing is for gamblers and cretins! No reasonable person would do it if they knew!) . . . and now you have all this PTSD / anxiety when inviting guests to go sailing on your own sailboat . . .  But that's not the stuff you lead with when you are trying to convince someone you like to be reasonable about the actual (low) risk of going sailing with you, after taking all the right precautions, you know? 

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ChancesR

Wildman, how successful have you been with your approach, compared to your pre-positive dating experience?  I'm curious if id come across too defensive, and like a salesman ...  ive only had the talk once, and pretty much took your well-spoken approach, and she bolted. 

Now im about to have it with my ex girlfriend who wants to start dating again (so do i ) and doesn't know .  (Broke up months ago/unrelated issues, but it's possible ive been positive a long time and gifted her before i knew [ im Asystematic and very high antibody levels ] )

Harrison i like the article from the Washington post " you probably have herpes, and its ok". Im probably gonna downplay, disclose and say no big deal, and offer to send that article if she wants to know more. 

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wildman

Nothing is 100%. Sometimes if she bolts, then it was just never meant to be.

You can also soften the language a bit and skip the details until later - so you don't overwhelm someone with a one-sided conversation or "too much at once."

Simply ask the person if they have ever had a cold sore, if they know what causes it. Then say you care about them and you trust them, and so you want them to know that you were exposed by an ex to a virus that can cause cold sores. It's not a big deal (your symptoms are manageable/mild/no-symptoms/whatever), but you always take precautions to reduce the risk of passing it on to anyone, even though the risk of that happening is really low (about the same as the average American). Say "it's just something I wanted you to be aware of."

Then let them respond and go from there . . .

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Fadela

Girl who I was dating and apparently loved me left. Be lucky if I get a text now lol

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