Hey everyone, I recently got diagnosed 2 months ago with genital herpes and the guy that gave it to me is it denial about it. About a week ago, I met a new guy and we talk about having sex a lot but I feel so guilty that he does not know yet. We haven’t engaged in the act but we are going on a date this sunday and I have a feeling that he is expecting to have sex. I’m just so scared of his reaction for when I tell him. Are my odds in my favor? How likely am I to get rejected or ghosted after telling him? What are your guys’ experiences?
So I’m not sure I never really looked at my test results because I was scared... I’ve been told it could be a uti or something but I only get them when I’m stressed. I just... does any one else find dating hard?!? It’s like the guys I do tell instantly friend zone me or never talk to me ever again. I don’t what to do and was wondering if anyone else had a similar experience..?
Advice Needed - 1st Time Disclosure - Guy Rejected Me Now Changed His Mind - Please help! Sorry so longBy tadasana
I got the wonderful virus on my genitals from a guy I dated 5 years. I definitely stayed in the relationship too long because of being scared to have to disclose to someone. I finally broke up with him in 2016.
I finally got up the nerve to start dating again about six months ago. In late November I met a guy who I had a lot in common with, got along with, was attracted to, etc, and I could tell he felt the same way about me. (We are both divorced and in our 40s.)
So over the course of a month, we got closer and had wonderful times. I could tell he was falling for me and I was for him. On the Saturday before Christmas we spent the whole day together and went to dinner that night then back to my house to exchange gifts. He had bought me a really pretty necklace for Christmas (not too extravagant but sweet and I had picked out a special book as a gift to him.) We had not had sex yet but I knew it would be coming soon so I needed to disclose. He ended up telling me he loved me that night and I told him the same. Then came the disclosure.
He just looked kinda stunned then sat with me without really saying much for about 30 minutes. He then gave me a brief hug and said he had to go. He left the book I gave him at my house and as he left, I tried to give him the necklace back because I could tell that everything had changed. He asked me to please keep it. It was the end of the night so it wasn’t completely weird and I figured he was shocked and needed time to process so, while I was very upset, I knew that this was always a possibility.
I will admit that I did a terrible job at the actual disclosure. It was my first time and even though I had practiced saying it aloud many times, I know that sounded ashamed and embarrassed.
We texted a little bit the next day, mostly with me explaining more about my situation. I explained that in my personal experience, it had not been very disruptive for me. I have only had three outbreaks in six years. I also explained that if someone was with a partner who had it, the partner could take medicine to reduce the other person from getting it. I sent him some links.
After that day (the day after disclosure), I did not contact him and he did not contact me. Once again, I figured he needed time. About three days after, he finally texted me saying that he was sorry for the way he reacted. He also said that he loved me and was very sad but according to what he read, he would eventually get it and that he couldn’t knowingly do that to himself and if I ever needed anything to let him know. (I did not see the point in disputing what he “read” on the Internet and how he felt about it. The links I first sent him clearly indicated that was not the case.) Neither one of us wants more kids (we both have them) so it has nothing to do with any issues it could cause in that sense.
I basically said “thank u, next” and wished him well. That was the day after Christmas.
Fast forward one month to Wednesday, January 23. (We have had no contact at all. We are not connected on social media and we have no mutual friends.) I get a text from him asking how I’m doing. I respond politely and we exchange a few pleasantries. He then asks me if I’m seeing anyone and tells me that he’s sorry for what went on and he really wanted to go out with me again. I say I am confused since for the past month, I’ve accepted the fact that he did NOT want to be with me. He asked if we could just meet to talk, but he totally understood if I said no. I said, sure, I’ll meet you to talk but told him not to have any expectations about us dating again. I said I needed some time and maybe we could meet in a week or so.
We texted a little bit yesterday. I told him that I wanted to meet him at the restaurant because I wanted to be sure I could leave whenever I wanted to. He then said, “I cannot apologize enough for how I handled things between us.” I said, “I don’t want to talk about that now.” And that I needed space between now and our meeting next Thursday and I would confirm with him on Wednesday (in other words, do NOT contact me). I want to see if he will honor my wish.
Here’s what I need advice on. I have NO experience in dealing with being rejected for this particular reason and none of my friends do either.
Is he just a total jerk??? In your experience or opinion, will he ever be truly emotionally supportive? Should I cut him some slack? Should I meet with him at all? Should I meet with him in order to end it with him in person? To begin with, I am a person with avoidant attachment issues. I cut people off and out of my life very easily, many of my friends think too easily. It was a huge deal for me even to disclose to him. Huge deal. I know me cutting him out of my life could easily be justified in my mind and it is my natural tendency to want to do this. I am truly shocked that I actually kept his number in my phone and didn’t block it right after he texted me to end it. The fact that I am actually opening up just a little bit (maybe even to someone who doesn’t deserve it) is major progress for me.
I miss him and I still care about him. I really, really thought he would have been one to be okay with the situation from the get-go, but obviously I was mistaken.
Hey, I’m a 28 year old black female and I just was diagnosed with HSV type 2! The bad part about is that the doctor can’t give me a timetable for when he thinks I could have contracted it!! I am a survivor of sexual assault twice, once when I was six and again at the age of 21!! It hurts even worse now because I don’t even know where to start!! I feel like I’m being punished for something I did in my past life or something!! How am I supposed to date or just tell my next partner what I have and risk them leaving me, talking about me, or even harming me because of what I could expose them to!! I really haven’t had a big breakout or anything yet, so can someone please just tell me what I should expect in the near future!! Will I be ok because right now depression is winning!! They have me on 500mg of Valtrex daily for suppression and it works really well!!
Haven't posted in a while - but I wanted to write a quick post, I had my kinda-5-year-herpes anniversary (got it on my birthday which makes it easier to remember) - and I'm happy to say that since then I've been in 4 relationships with non-herpes people (with a few short ones in between) and it has only gotten easier for me to disclose each time.
When I was first diagnosed I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact that I would have to disclose to everyone I meet some horrible secret, because after the initial shock it didn't feel horrible at all... it just felt like a harmless thing I had to live with.
So then I decided that that's how I was going to live my life - I tell people who I'm dating about it as soon as I can tell it's going well. Sometimes the night I meet them. And in five years I have not met a single person who has turned me away because of it.
I truly, truly believe it's the only way to live with herpes - the more we keep it a secret, the more people will think it's something to be afraid of - which it's not. When I was first diagnosed, I met someone at the Toronto herpes meetup who sat down with me and told me that it wasn't a big deal - and that generally speaking, people don't care. Five years later and it's some of the best advice I've been given.
I know there are exceptions, and I know from what people here have told me that it can be incredibly difficult to disclose, but I really hope that doesn't stop anyone here from trying.
This is just my experience - but if one person reads this and feels hope, then I'll be happy.
You're all beautiful snowflakes