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unrelentingagony

My Mom Gives the Sex Talk to My Kid Sister

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unrelentingagony

Today, my mom gave the sex talk to my kid sister. 

She, knowing of my diagnosis, told her that one of her friends has a child with herpes, and it is a very terrible disease and something she has to be wary of and to remember to always be safe, use condoms, know your partner's status, and get tested. 

Well, that "child" of her "friend" is me. Her other daughter. Her 21-year-old daughter who was either stupid or unlucky enough to have contracted herpes. To have had it destroy the very fiber of her being. To have her spiral into a pit of unrelenting depression, making her incapable of accepting the idea of being with anyone for the rest of her life. 

My experience has been extremely traumatic. My body is constantly trying to destroy me. Physically providing me with pain, agony, and discomfort I did not previously know possible. 

Emotionally flooding my head over and over with my inner voice screaming worthless, dirty, disgusting, infectious, a pariah. 

Therapy has made it so that I no longer cry every day. It has made it so the urges to take my own life are less frequent. I am able to breathe now, and while the breaths are painful, I am no longer suffocating. 

But small events like these, quick little conversations -- they remind me of the crippling pain I have gone through and am going through. They remind my of my life. They remind me that I'm still falling. 

 

Edited by unrelentingagony

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eitak90

You aren't failing. Your mothers choice of words was probably not to hurt you, but to emphasize to your sibling that she needs to use protection. Have you talked to her about the conversation and let her know that it hurt you hear what she said about our virus? I find that, especially in my line of work, the older generation does not know how to effectively communicate things that they don't understand. My patients are teenage girls that are angry with their parents for not understanding depression or anxiety. I believe this to be the same in a sense. Quite honestly, she may never understand. That's when you have to take it upon yourself to understand that you're way more than HSV. Your mother may never change her thinking on the matter, but don't let HER brain dictate how you feel about YOU.

 

I hope this helps you. I have waves of wanting to take my life too and I've only known I've had HSV II for a day. You got this. Don't let this defeat you.

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Cas9
50 minutes ago, eitak90 said:

You aren't failing. Your mothers choice of words was probably not to hurt you, but to emphasize to your sibling that she needs to use protection. Have you talked to her about the conversation and let her know that it hurt you hear what she said about our virus? I find that, especially in my line of work, the older generation does not know how to effectively communicate things that they don't understand. My patients are teenage girls that are angry with their parents for not understanding depression or anxiety. I believe this to be the same in a sense. Quite honestly, she may never understand. That's when you have to take it upon yourself to understand that you're way more than HSV. Your mother may never change her thinking on the matter, but don't let HER brain dictate how you feel about YOU.

 

I hope this helps you. I have waves of wanting to take my life too and I've only known I've had HSV II for a day. You got this. Don't let this defeat you.

I didn't get the impression that @unrelentingagony is upset by her mother's comments. Her mother simply didn't want to reveal to the younger daughter that it was her older sister who had the disease. So her mother did what she thought she needed to do to communicate to her younger daughter to BE CAREFUL.

I think unrelentingagony's comments about how she feels about herself already existed before her mother said anything. Whether her mother made her feel a bit worse, I don't know. I would hope that she wouldn't be mad at her mother; I think her mother did the right thing.

Anyway, that was my impression of her comment.

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eitak90
1 hour ago, Cas9 said:

I didn't get the impression that @unrelentingagony is upset by her mother's comments. Her mother simply didn't want to reveal to the younger daughter that it was her older sister who had the disease. So her mother did what she thought she needed to do to communicate to her younger daughter to BE CAREFUL.

I think unrelentingagony's comments about how she feels about herself already existed before her mother said anything. Whether her mother made her feel a bit worse, I don't know. I would hope that she wouldn't be mad at her mother; I think her mother did the right thing.

Anyway, that was my impression of her comment.

That's why I said that her mother was probably trying to emphasize the importance of using protection. The first paragraph of her post gave me the impression that her mother was saying how horrible and disgusting HSV is, thus making her feel even worse about herself and having contracted HSV

 

Either way, we are not her. I was just trying to offer her some condolences and empathy.

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LillianPanos

Hi @eitak90  thanks for sharing and reaching out to her. Most of us like me are here to learn and felt devastated when we found out we have hsv2 or 1 like you are feeling.  You mention you jus found out. I try to be positive but many days when I have an outbreak or weird feelings its a constant reminder.  But it could always be worse. Welcome! 

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Art_emis

I'm sorry @unrelentingagony that your mother's words hit that hurtful spot that I know I have as well. I'm sure it was not her intent to imply judgement of your situation or cause you pain. However, that does not change the impact of her words, which caused you to be hurt and reminded of the difficulties I think many people who are diagnosed with herpes face.

I suggest potentially talking to your mom about how her choice of words made you feel. Perhaps provide her with some statistics so that she knows describing it as a "very terrible disease" is a bit misleading and continues to perpetuate an unfair stereotype of herpes. Dr. Sheila Loanzon makes a great point in her book about herpes, its not regularly tested for because it does not commonly cause severe complications like other STIs/STDs. Also so many people have it! 

I applaud you for being able to tell your mother about your diagnosis, I have not been able to disclose to my mom even though we are very close. Know that you are not falling, and even if you are, I bet you are in process of growing some badass wings. Surround yourself with those who support you, keep going to therapy (its helped me a lot too), and focus on self care (whatever that looks like for you). 

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