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Cchris

Newly diagnosed and can't process feelings

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Cchris

I was diagnosed 2 days ago and the anxiety is overwhelming. I slept with my ex a month before I started dating a friend who turned out to be the most amazing man of my life. I thought I had a yeast infection, decided to get a full std workup while at the doctor's office and my results came back for HSV-2. I had just had unprotected sex with the new guy and had to tell him immediately. I wish I had told him in a better manner, but freaked out and interrupted his workday to meet me so I could tell him the news. It was the most uncomfortable conversation. My ex admitted to having the virus but using suppressive drugs everyday to avoid transmission. New guy got tested and has distanced himself from me. I'm devastated. He gets his results in 3 days from a blood test, but I know it's going to be a longer waiting game to see if he gets any sores. I think the blood test was too soon and may give false sense of hope if it comes back negative. I'm dealing with my results and now the guilt of possibly hurting this man. Yes, we are both to blame for unprotected sex after a night of drinking, but I think I would've used better judgment to use protection or not let him come home with me had I not drank so much. I'm also kicking myself for sleeping with my ex without protection. He means nothing to me and now one night of bringing back old feelings has ruined the best thing that happened to me with the new guy. We were already talking about a future together. He's divorced with 2 small children and now he left a marriage to get infected by a girl who had to admit to sleeping with her ex a month earlier. I'm nauseous with overwhelming emotions. 

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KJS

Hello! I'm sorry your aniexry is overwhelming you! I also thought I had a bad yeast infection. I put the yeast cream on the sores and omg! Lol 

I want to let you know we are all here for you and we go through this together. Please message me if you need someone to talk to! 

 

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Lisajd

In regards to infecting the new guy his test results won't show anything until 3 months after you have slept with him unless he already has an existing infection.  Remember though that the wrist from women to men is low and if you weren't having an outbreak that is less risk.  In terms of beating yourself up for sleeping with the ex we all do things for a reason and sometimes those reasons don't always turn out to have the best consequences but you can't change that now and what's important is he moving forward and learning from that mistake.  And don't think that you have infected him until he gets his results and the reality is he could sleep with the next person who doesn't know they have it either and pass it to him it is the nature of this virus

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Cchris
9 hours ago, KJS said:

Hello! I'm sorry your aniexry is overwhelming you! I also thought I had a bad yeast infection. I put the yeast cream on the sores and omg! Lol 

I want to let you know we are all here for you and we go through this together. Please message me if you need someone to talk to! 

 

Thank you! I'm so glad to have found support here. I haven't told anyone and I think that is the part that is overwhelming right now. That and how my life has changed. The new guy keeps asking me if I've told my friends and family, but I don't think I can bring myself to admit it and my first instinct is to not share my diagnosis. 

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Cchris
1 hour ago, Lisajd said:

In regards to infecting the new guy his test results won't show anything until 3 months after you have slept with him unless he already has an existing infection.  Remember though that the wrist from women to men is low and if you weren't having an outbreak that is less risk.  In terms of beating yourself up for sleeping with the ex we all do things for a reason and sometimes those reasons don't always turn out to have the best consequences but you can't change that now and what's important is he moving forward and learning from that mistake.  And don't think that you have infected him until he gets his results and the reality is he could sleep with the next person who doesn't know they have it either and pass it to him it is the nature of this virus

Thank you! You really helped put things in perspective for me. The amount of emotions I'm contending with plus worrying about new guy. How you addressed each point makes sense. It's really hard going between letting myself go to a dark place and want to crawl into a hole or accept the reality and keep moving forward. The motivation to do so seems to have snatched away by this diagnosis and possibly losing this new guy. He had to leave town with his sister the next day, so I haven't seen him. We haven't talked about what's going to happen with us. I had texted him yesterday and he asked how I was holding up, that he was trying to stay positive and hoped I knew he was far from acting out in anger to the news. That was a bit reassuring, but I'm sure he had a lot to think about and consider in regards to staying or leaving. I haven't heard from him today. I'm single, never married, no kids, mid-30s, fit, with a successful career, amazing family and friends, and now feel I will for sure be 'forever alone.' It's already hard dating at this age with people asking what's wrong with me. Now there really is something wrong with me. 

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KJS
2 hours ago, Cchris said:

Thank you! I'm so glad to have found support here. I haven't told anyone and I think that is the part that is overwhelming right now. That and how my life has changed. The new guy keeps asking me if I've told my friends and family, but I don't think I can bring myself to admit it and my first instinct is to not share my diagnosis. 

Do what you feel comfortable with, it's your body. The only people that need to know is the people you disclose with. Try to focus on you. You are what's important. I promise this will get easier. I know how bad it sucks right now. The stigma is the hardest thing to over come. Just know you are the same person before you found out. You are still amazing. :) 

Edited by KJS

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Lisajd

Everyone feels like they will be forever alone but do you know what there was a survey done in the UK and 80% of people with that accept someone who has the virus and also I've told quite a few guys and I would say my strike rate is about 80% as well.  I always say don't assumes how someone will react because you don't know their own status and you don't know how they view it and given that 80% of the population have oral herpes anyway you are likely to meet someone with the virus in some form or another.  And as I explained it to most guys it is cold sores just a different location and it is no different.  Once you start talking herpes and STD that's when they freak out but if you talk about it from the perspective of cold sores that shifts the focus and people are then more likely to actually learn about it or at least be a little bit less closed minded.  And if this guy is negative and he can't deal with it then you go through the grieving process and you'll move on.  I'm finding myself single again and my issue is not herpes it's the fact that I can't find anyone decent and I'm at 50 years old now

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Nightmare7575
  1. I got it even using a condom ,so it can happen to anybody. I will say that I got my blood test results back after 6 to 8 weeks after exposure and had 11.41 ,so still not really sure what to think about early testing.  

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Cchris
On 7/8/2017 at 8:56 PM, Lisajd said:

In regards to infecting the new guy his test results won't show anything until 3 months after you have slept with him unless he already has an existing infection.  Remember though that the wrist from women to men is low and if you weren't having an outbreak that is less risk.  In terms of beating yourself up for sleeping with the ex we all do things for a reason and sometimes those reasons don't always turn out to have the best consequences but you can't change that now and what's important is he moving forward and learning from that mistake.  And don't think that you have infected him until he gets his results and the reality is he could sleep with the next person who doesn't know they have it either and pass it to him it is the nature of this virus

Thank you! You really helped put things in perspective for me. The amount of emotions I'm contending with plus worrying about new guy. How you addressed each point makes sense. It's really hard going between letting myself go to a dark place and want to crawl into a hole or accept the reality and keep moving forward. The motivation to do so seems to have snatched away by this diagnosis and possibly losing this new guy. He had to leave town with his sister the next day, so I haven't seen him. We haven't talked about what's going to happen with us. I had texted him yesterday and he asked how I was holding up, that he was trying to stay positive and hoped I knew he was far from acting out in anger to the news. That was a bit reassuring, but I'm sure he had a lot to think about and consider in regards to staying or leaving. I haven't heard from him today. I'm single, never married, no kids, mid-30s, fit, with a successful career, amazing family and friends, and now feel I will for sure be 'forever alone.' It's already hard dating at this age with people asking what's wrong with me. Now there really is something wrong with me. 

 

6 hours ago, Nightmare7575 said:
  1. I got it even using a condom ,so it can happen to anybody. I will say that I got my blood test results back after 6 to 8 weeks after exposure and had 11.41 ,so still not really sure what to think about early testing.  

That's so scary that even with a condom. It's through this forum I'm learning his testing is too early. If he is positive it couldn't have been our encounter from last week, correct? I'm praying he doesn't have an outbreak and will test negative later. The doctor did advise him to come back for a second test in October. 

Edited by Cchris

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Lisajd

Genital herpes is the boxer short area so condoms dont cover all those parts.  

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Nightmare7575
Quote

 

No symptoms for me ,if you were  asking me that question Lisajd.  

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Cchris

So, I need help in talking to new guy. He got back from out of town last night and so we haven't talked much about anything. He had his blood drawn and left the next day. I texted him today to see if he received results (should have been in yesterday). He said no.  He asked how I was doing. Told him dealing with losing him on top of everything was crushing. He said it was a punch in the gut for him too bc of how easily we coonected. 

 

@Nightmare7575 From a man's viewpoint, say a man who is scared of getting infected, do you think there's a chance and I that I should still try? To both you and @Lisajd Do you think I should give him more time to process and get his results? I would like to propose statistics to him about using condoms and I started 1/day acyclovir to suppress. I didn't have any sores that I could see, so hoping I didn't have an outbreak. I had what I thought was a bad yeast infection. Unless sores are inside the vagina, my discomfort was in perineum area which was red and it looked like some swelling near anus. Nothing ever burst or oozed. I did have pain from peeing and had what looked like tiny papercuts in perineum. I checked everyday and never saw that they were blisters. Google told me this was a yeast infection and discomfort went away with yeast meds :(

I want to be able to tell him that I'm asymptomatic, taking daily meds and condoms will reduce risk significantly. Thoughts? It's scary, but I would hate to walk away without trying to save our connection and possible relationship. 

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Lisajd

@Cchris wait till he gets his results then go from there.    I told 2 guys i had been with prior (long story) and told them the risks and they didnt come around. The other thing some would say at least you know you have it and can take precautions.  The next girl may have it and not know and he gets it. 

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Nightmare7575

Once again I got it with using a Condom. I would still try a list of all the non-risky sexual things you can do and he can do to you  and then go on to intercourse talk later and more risky sex talk. I think a lot of people think there is nothing else they can do sexually and they will never have sex or can get it from anything they do. I think there is still a chance he might come around if he is really into you and knows he can still be safe.  

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Cchris
38 minutes ago, Nightmare7575 said:

Once again I got it with using a Condom. I would still try a list of all the non-risky sexual things you can do and he can do to you  and then go on to intercourse talk later and more risky sex talk. I think a lot of people think there is nothing else they can do sexually and they will never have sex or can get it from anything they do. I think there is still a chance he might come around if he is really into you and knows he can still be safe.  

Thanks for reply! This is a bit naive, but where can I find a list of non-risky? I know I would be paranoid as hell and run the other way if I were in his shoes. 

 

Edited by Cchris

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Cchris
38 minutes ago, Nightmare7575 said:

Once again I got it with using a Condom. I would still try a list of all the non-risky sexual things you can do and he can do to you  and then go on to intercourse talk later and more risky sex talk. I think a lot of people think there is nothing else they can do sexually and they will never have sex or can get it from anything they do. I think there is still a chance he might come around if he is really into you and knows he can still be safe.  

 

2 hours ago, Lisajd said:

@Cchris wait till he gets his results then go from there.    I told 2 guys i had been with prior (long story) and told them the risks and they didnt come around. The other thing some would say at least you know you have it and can take precautions.  The next girl may have it and not know and he gets it. 

Thanks for your reply! If he tests positive on blood test and we just had sex for the first time than 2 weeks ago, does that mean he already had it?

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medicalanonymo
1 hour ago, Cchris said:

 

Thanks for your reply! If he tests positive on blood test and we just had sex for the first time than 2 weeks ago, does that mean he already had it?

Yes, it definitely means he had the infection from atleast 2.5-3 months ago.

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Nightmare7575

medicalanonymo  I got tested six to 8 weeks later after exposure and the woman I was with had her first OB two weeks after we were together so I don't know if the 2,5 to 3 months rings true in all cases .

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Nightmare7575

Cchris  Looks like you have the same kind I have [OH LUCKY US] Of course kissing in all manners ,  nipple play , Mutual masturbation , Masturbation in front of each other/next to each other and any other way you can think of[lol], Oral with a condom and he can use a dental dam on you,sex toys you don't share and wash after,sexy underwear since many people are visual ,Think of ways to use your breasts on him or how he can pleasure them.A few  more from different sites ,dry humping/sex with clothes and fingering with latex gloves in case he has cuts in his fingers.

Edited by Nightmare7575

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SupermansJustice

I am making a blog. I want it to be open-sourced. Anyone can post on it to share their experience of being diagnosed. People need to understand what it's like. No more turning a blind eye to this. This is bullshit. 

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Cchris

He tested positive. We had sex July 1 and July 6. He tested July 7. How do I tell him it wasn't me. I don't know what to say to him. 

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Whyyyyy
31 minutes ago, Cchris said:

He tested positive. We had sex July 1 and July 6. He tested July 7. How do I tell him it wasn't me. I don't know what to say to him. 

Did he test positive via igg?

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Whyyyyy

If so, I would explain to him that it takes at the very least 6 weeks from exposure to test positive via igg but for most people it's around 8-12 weeks. So there is no way he got it from you. 

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Cchris

Blood test? If so, yes. He had no sores, so nothing to swab.

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